Love Lost (Love's Improbable Possibility)

by Belvin, Love

  Michelle managed to get out of the bed and plant herself on the couch in the living room. From there she could track my every move.

  “I’m so jealous, Na-Na. At least somebody is getting some around here. I want all the details. You’ve been holding out on me for months!” she tried to shout as I trudged from room to room in search of accessories.

  “You’re not the only one I’ve been holding out on.” I swiftly crossed the room fiddling with my earrings while looking for my shoes.

  “You haven’t fucked him, yet!?” she asked more in anger than disbelief.

  “The time hasn’t come yet, Shelly. Please don’t start with me.” I didn’t have time to fight her wanton persona and risk becoming flushed before seeing Azmir.

  “Rayna, come and sit down here next to me.” She patted on the sofa she perched from while watching me search frantically to complete my ensemble. After locating my shoes, I obliged.

  “Look at me, honey.” She spoke so gently pulling my face toward her with her cold and frail hands. “You are worth it,” Michelle said as I looked at her as though she had two heads. I didn’t understand what she meant or where she was going with that statement.

  “Rayna, you’re worth happiness and it comes in many forms but for a young, successful, beautiful, intelligent, and sexy woman like you finding love is one. Now, I know you’ve been through a lot with folks betraying your trust starting with your dad then your mom, men and others lying to you or deserting you. Love has been lost upon you for so long. But no matter how many times unconditional love misses you—you deserve to give it another try. You’ll find it if you believe.” Michelle looked deep into my eyes pleading with my subconscious. It was a lot to take on considering I had to be ready within minutes, but I knew Michelle had tried to get me to open up to others for years. It was a huge feat for me.

  “There are still good people out there, some of whom you will encounter. Instead of you dismissing them from the jump you need to give love a try. I’m not the only person on earth that will love you and have your back. You need to know that you are worthy of loved-ones. You don’t have to be someone else, expect it to happen to someone else other than you, look for fault in everyone, or wait for everyone who enters your life to screw up. And you damn sure don’t have to feel that unconditional love isn’t meant for you because you’re deficient in some way. You alone are enough,” Michelle continued looking me dead in the eyes. I started to tear up.

  As painful as the thought of her request was I trusted her that much to consider it. I didn’t want a miracle from Azmir, just honesty and a good time. I didn’t want much from anyone. As long as I had my space, I was good. I had no expectations of anyone; I didn’t need anyone. Sure, I’d experienced bouts with loneliness and there were days that I longed for a cure to help with the pain of not being able to trust, but I’d gotten this far without much. Michelle was all I needed and Erin was a bonus. As self-deprecating as that may be, it was my reality and I was fine with it. Love had definitely been lost.

  “If you ruin that fierce make-up I’m going to choke you! Hurry and get a Kleenex!” Michelle trilled. I fetched tissue and returned to her side.

  She didn’t look me in my face when she said, “Rayna, I may not be around soon. I don’t mean to speak melancholy before your date but I need you to know that I wouldn’t rest peacefully if I left you in the state that you’re in.” My neck snapped toward her and her regretful gaze rose to meet my glare. She was right; I didn’t like hearing her speak of her absence in my life in any form.

  “What I mean is, Rayna, you need to love someone else besides Erin and me. We’re practically your only family. You need to establish more…or your own even. Give this Azmir a chance and possibly have some babies. Start your own legacy. If not with him then someone else but don’t give up on love. I’m not just talking about romantic love but unconditional love. Keep this in the back of your mind while you’re talking with him tonight. Hell, get some ass why don’t ya!” We snickered at that request. With that remark, she showed some semblance of the friend that I was much more familiar with rather than the one who spoke of doom.

  “Okay, Michelle. I understand.” I sighed and then hugged her before running in the bathroom to touch-up my makeup. I didn’t want to say anything more. I always considered Michelle’s pearls of wisdom, no matter how uncomfortable the advice.

  “Are you sure you’re going to be up to going to Azmir’s birthday party in June?” I called out to her in the living room trying to change the subject.

  “Oh, yeah! I’ll finally get a chance to see you dance. I can’t believe his right hand man asked you to perform at his birthday party! That’s so cool!”

  “I’m not performing; I’m surprising him with a twist. I was offended initially but after some thought I came down. You should’ve seen Petey trying to not seem suspicious talking to me on the dance floor that night at his wife’s party. It went over well because he asked right after that kid tried to play me out.”

  I never told Michelle about my discovery of the guy, Mikey. I only told her that some hoodrat had gotten out of line with me. After my slip up to Azmir that night, I was hoping that I never had to see or hear from him again. What those bastards did to us was deplorable and I would kill that Mikey guy if he ever muttered a desire for rights to Erin. Michelle had enough to deal with and didn’t need the added mess on her plate.

  “He said he’d call me with more details as the date nears. Jimmie is elated! He screamed on the phone when I called him the next morning. After I explained to him the theme of the party he said he already has a song in mind,” I continued.

  “What’s the theme?” Michelle asked.

  “Well from what Petey said, Azmir has crossed over the multi-millionaire threshold. They’re calling him a young business mogul. With all of his businesses and ventures he’s in a new rank and status. And Chanell mentioned that night that there was a small story in last month’s Sister2Sister magazine about him. You know, one of those ‘who to watch for’ columns. Well anyway, it’s like a welcome to Hollywood theme,” I said as I applied the final touches on my makeup.

  “That’s phenomenal! I can’t wait to see who’ll be at this party! I had a feeling he was that big. But to be featured in a magazine like that? That’s national recognition,” she shrieked pointedly.

  “Well, he’s already popular locally. You should’ve seen those little birds outside of his club in Compton. They were throwing me all kinds of dirty looks and hisses. One chick rolled her eyes at me and all I was doing was walking in the club with him. Even when the kid disrespected me there were like…handlers in there carrying him out after Chanell shouted I was Divine’s girl. The kid looked petrified but he’d already passed that point of no return. After that ordeal the girls in the club were pointing and whispering not caring about how obvious they were. Azmir just stayed in V.I.P. like an emperor observing me regularly. He didn’t even have to come down to speak for me. It seemed like his people did it for him.”

  “What did you do when the girls where taunting you?” she asked fascinated by it all.

  “I shook my ass even harder! I know what pisses girls like that off.” We laughed together from separate rooms.

  The doorbell rang and Michelle yelled she had it. I heard her talking to Azmir and got butterflies without even laying eyes on him. Azmir was so damn handsome. Every time I encountered him, I’d have a jumpy stomach for the first twenty minutes or so. I took a deep breath before walking out into the living room.

  “Look who’s here, Rayna,” Michelle so gleefully proclaimed. I flushed of embarrassment. I was nervous as hell. Azmir was checking the time on his pocket watch as I walked into the room.

  He was certainly a sight to behold as he stood there drinking me in I couldn’t help but do the same. He wore a pair of premium quality jeans with a fitted button up shirt and a blazer.

  “Mr. Jacobs, I’m glad you were able to find your way here. It would’ve been a mess trying to g
et to…” I stopped myself. I remembered I hadn’t told him I moved into the house. It was no secret, just that it hadn’t come up yet in conversation and would seem awkward to mention it now. And not to mention Michelle would bust my balls about not having told him.

  I soon discovered he knew when he asked, “…to Redondo Beach?” as he stared intently into my eyes intimidating me as well as turning me on.

  I melted. “Yes, Redondo Beach. I’ll get my purse,” I choked out quickly before turning on my heels. I was busted!

  In the car, my nerves were still poignant. The smell of Azmir and his car was a heady mix. I still hadn’t gotten comfortable with being chauffeured but I took it all in stride. This was Azmir’s world and I was giving it a try.

  “You look really nice, Ms. Brimm,” Azmir asserted in the most sincere tone that I had ever heard from a man. It didn’t have the ‘damn you sexy’ or ‘I can’t wait to get in them draws’ kind of ring to it. With a girlish blush, I thanked him. I couldn’t believe he’d had such an effect on me.

  “You don’t look too bad yourself, Azmir,” I returned. He damn sure didn’t.

  “So when were you going to tell me about your new house?” His tone was different.

  He lost the authoritative edge and asked in such a naïve tone. I felt horrible and somehow immediately recalled what Michelle had told me earlier before responding.

  “Actually this evening!” I tried to sound convincing. “I wanted to thank you once again for the referral. Bobby Scott was very efficient and professional. He handled my hunt expeditiously.”

  “Really? When are you going to invite me over…when you have your housewarming?” His eyebrows were lifted and I didn’t know if he was goading me for more information or sincerely wanted to know.

  “No, Mr. Jacobs. I think you’re entitled to a private tour,” I bashfully teased. I was grateful for the rebound.

  “That’s what’s up,” he said revealing his brilliant smile. The ride over was peaceful and my nervousness had dissipated.

  The jazz club was in Venice Beach and it was designed for a mature and sophisticated crowd, similar to Cobalt but a little more ethnic. It’s not that I didn’t like Azmir’s club in Compton but this was a nice change of pace. It had a marquee that read, “Tonight Raheem DeVaughn to Celebrate the Reopening of Mahogany”. There was even a red carpet event. Once again, we jumped the line to get in. That made me feel a little uncomfortable because this wasn’t Azmir’s club. A few of the women in that line looked a little salty about that, too.

  Once we arrived at the door, a brown skinned fellow with a neatly shaped curly afro announced, “Mr. Jacobs?”

  Azmir nodded in agreement.

  “Mr. Richardson has your table ready for you. This way, please.” The host gestured and led the way.

  The sound was marvelous. I recognized the music. It was Raheem on the stage doing his thing. He was a lot shorter than I imagined, but extremely talented even live. I had several of his albums and Michelle was a huge fan.

  We were seated a bit off the dance floor garnering us privacy, but in great view of the stage. There were menus with our names on them set in the place settings. But what was most impressive were the two small African musical instruments that were placed there on the table for us. For Azmir there was a drum from Ghana called Udus. It looked more like a pot. There was a small card with the name, description, and instructions for use. My gift was Ghana cluster bells. That idea was so refreshing and full of substance. This place definitely had character. A few minutes after our arrival a small group of people came over to our table. Azmir introduced me and they introduced themselves.

  “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Rayna,” Mark said to me before turning to Azmir. “I thought Rayna was the fox in your dreams, Jacobs!” he snorted and jabbed Azmir in the abdomen.

  Mark was light skinned, a little chunky with beautiful thick dark curly hair. He had long sideburns and a light goatee. He wore a dark suit with a white shirt and no tie. His date had long blonde hair and brilliant blue eyes. She draped on his arms quite comfortably. He beamed and seemed really bubbly and social.

  “The pleasure is all mine. I love the rich atmosphere in here. And the gift concept is so culturally forward. At this rate I’m sure I don’t have to, but for formality sake, I wish you much success!” I smiled and gave a soft nod.

  “I appreciate that…really!” Mark smiled wildly and with glinted eyes.

  “Wow, Jacobs! This one is a keeper!” Eric chimed in. Azmir smiled very clandestinely. Always so composed.

  Eric had warm brown skin and was slightly taller than Mark. He wore small glasses but with thick lenses. He smiled a lot but didn’t appear as happy with his companion. Their body language told it all. As the guys did a little small talk, I observed. All throughout the time they were at the table Eric’s wife kept looking away, somewhere far off in the distance and rubbing the back of her neck. She tried to offer a laugh at obvious points in the conversation but it was nothing genuine. The guys were really comical. I could tell they had quite a history and great chemistry by the jokes that were thrown.

  These guys were totally different from the ones in ‘The Clan’. They were more refined, obviously educated, and better socialized. This Azmir is growing more intriguing each date. Mark asked what we were drinking and we told him before they said their goodbyes and moved about the party.

  As I adjusted into my seat at the booth I said, “Nice friends.”

  “Yup, they’re good peoples.” Azmir chuckled still feeling the residue of amusement from his friends. I could tell there was silent communication going on while they were here. I didn’t care to ask.

  “So where do you know them from?”

  “Stanford.”

  “Oh, you use to live there, too?”

  “Yup, when I went to school there.”

  “Oh, you went to Stanford?”

  “Does that surprise you?” he snorted with raised eyebrows.

  “You surprise me, Azmir.” It felt good to get that out. Azmir was the most enigmatic individual I’d ever encountered. Very beguiling.

  “We don’t want that. How can I be less ambiguous?” He flashed a knowing smirk as he sat up and straightened his back, visually opening himself up for conversation. By this time, the waiter brought my pinot noir and his cognac. We ordered our food and I waited for her to leave to continue, pissed at her lascivious gaping at Azmir. I mean, really?

  “You’re an anomaly, Azmir…from the way you speak when you go from broken hood idiom to corporate articulation. The way you dress in your Ermenegildo Zegna pinstriped suits by day and True Religion jeans at night. You pop sunflower seeds and eat grape Now&Laters but you send me an extensive Louis Vuitton luggage collection. You own a Range Rover and a Bentley…with a driver. Let’s not forget that you not only own but frequent a club in Compton and a high-end club on Sunset Boulevard. I’m afraid to find out where you live…” I said animatedly. There, I got it out.

  “You should be able to appreciate my variability considering you play the same game,” he said before taking a long sip of his drink.

  “What do you mean?” I was so thrown.

  “I met you presenting a leasing proposal, representing one of the largest physical therapy firms in Southern California. This same woman with intelligence, drive, and charisma was ready to tear down a hood-boogie and sliced up a Latino gang-banger. Not to mention how comfortable you are around people of that urban facet. I saw you with Chanell…and you can’t get more ghetto than that.” He was right, Chanell was as ghetto as they come.

  “Really, Azmir…tell me something and be honest. What are your intentions with me?” I knew what we’d spoken about in Mexico but it left me confused with subsequent questions. Why would he want me to request to sleep with him? Did he not want to sleep with me? That would be ridiculous seeing that he kept pursuing me.

  He had just taken a sip of his drink when his head cocked back slightly and he flashed a coochie creaming s
mile without teeth and then he swallowed. It was clear that my question had caught him by surprise.

  “What do you think my intentions are? Humor me,” he spoke as if he was intrigued.

  “See that’s the thing…” I said, pointing my finger in the air. “I don’t know. Although since Mexico we’ve never had the opportunity…I mean it wouldn’t be the most original motive.” I smirked hoping he’d catch my undertone.

  “Alright,” he agreed to take on the subject, subconsciously licking his beautifully sculpted lips as he sat up in his chair again. The sexy smirk that crested upon his face had disappeared. “Let’s make something clear. I don’t need ass. As you implied earlier, let’s not play any games here. If it’s ass I want—it’s ass I get.” Azmir’s words were forward and adamantly clear. He continued, “Did it ever dawn on you that I genuinely enjoy your company? You have a wonderful personality, infectious sense of humor and are strikingly gorgeous. I can admire that without indulging. I’m thirty-plus. I got more ass than a toilet seat in my twenties because it was plentiful and I wanted it. And don’t get me wrong, there isn’t a shortage of it now, but I’m more interested in quality versus quantity when it comes to sex.”

  So it’s now clear—we’re talking sex. Good!

  “So, you’ll continue to ‘enjoy my company’ without any hopes or intentions of sleeping with me unless I make it clear that I want to? That’s ambiguity at its best, Mr. Jacobs,” I purposely asked in an overt doubtful tone. I even balled up my mouth for good measure.

  “Oh, please believe, Ms. Brimm, I will tap that ass soon enough,” Azmir informed so smoothly and confidently. My juices started to flow. Little did he know he could’ve thrown me over the table and fucked me right then and there. I wanted a taste of him so bad I ached, but I couldn’t let him know.