As the night went on, I managed to steer clear of Jared by hiding in the bathroom whenever we might be alone together. Kyle must have noticed something was off though because he cornered me when I finally came out.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“Just checking the ankle and all that.” It was throbbing a little from all the walking around, but not too bad. Still, it was the only explanation I had for spending all night in the bathroom.
“That’s not what I meant.” He combed his black hair back, forehead creased. “Did something else happen last night with Jared?”
“Nope. Nothing happened.” I hated lying to him, but I couldn’t tell him the truth about me and Jared. Best case, he’d say, “I told you so.” Worst case, he’d want me to leave the band when the show was over. Besides, kissing Jared had been a brief moment of weakness, and it wouldn’t happen again. There was no reason to bring it up.
“Are you going to be able to rehearse tomorrow?” he asked.
“Yeah, but remind me to not fall off a stage ever again.”
“I thought that would be obvious, but sure.” He grinned, and my shoulders relaxed. I didn’t want anything to be weird between us. Before I’d joined the band, we’d been the kind of friends who always sat next to each other in class and did homework together, but we’d never hung out much otherwise. Everything had changed that night after his show, and even if this thing with Jared was a mess, I was still happy I’d gone to that party.
“I’m really glad you joined the band,” he said, echoing my thoughts.
“Me too.” And there was the guilt again.
I was this close to spilling everything, but he led me back to the lounge. “C’mon, it’s almost time for the Team Dan elimination.”
Jared frowned as we entered together. “Everything okay?”
“Fine,” Kyle said, shooting his brother a dark look. He must suspect I wasn’t telling him everything, but there was no time to worry about that now. We had bigger things to stress about, like whether or not we’d still be on the show after tonight.
We joined the other bands backstage and waited until it was time for Team Dan to go on. Team Lissa went before us, and when Fairy Lights was saved, Ray yelled, “And America’s sweetheart continues to the next round!” Ugh, when had they started calling Lacey that? She gave a pageant wave and dashed off the stage, where she was met by an older woman with big Texas hair. Her mother, I guessed.
When Team Dan was up, the show’s people arranged it so Hector and Kyle would walk out first, with Jared and me behind them. Ray’s voice echoed from onstage, preparing for our arrival.
“Maddie, can we talk?” Jared whispered, his mouth close to my ear.
I flushed with the memory of those lips on me. Dammit, I wanted to kiss him again. Must. Resist. “Later.”
“How about coffee after the show?”
“I can’t. My ankle—” I started.
He raised an eyebrow. “Would you rather I come to your room?”
“No!” They started waving us onto stage, but Jared didn’t move, still waiting for my answer. I couldn’t think of a good excuse, and I couldn’t avoid him forever either. “Fine, we’ll have coffee. Now can we go?”
We followed the other guys on stage, waving and smiling at the audience. This was the real trick to being an entertainer: pretending everything was great while your life was falling apart around you. Our lives were covered in gold foil, but if you scratched hard enough, you’d see the rust underneath.
We lined up with the other bands just as we’d practiced earlier, and Ray opened an envelope. “The first band to be saved is…The Quiet Battles!” Everyone clapped, and the many members of the folk band hugged each other. The wait was killing me, and I nearly grabbed Jared’s hand but restrained myself. Instead I wrung my hands over and over while Ray took his sweet time announcing the next name.
“The second band is…As We Die!”
That was the Christian heavy metal band—leaving us and the reggae group for the elimination. Please don’t let us go home yet, I silently prayed.
“And the final band is…Villain Complex!”
Relief swept through me, and I almost jumped up and down, except that would be bad for my ankle. Instead we cheered and hugged each other, and the three bands still on Team Dan left the stage in a whirlwind of applause and bright lights while the reggae band said their goodbyes behind us. We were safe, for one more week anyway.
* * *
Jared and I agreed to meet three blocks from the hotel at a small hole-in-the-wall coffee shop where no one would see us. He was already sitting at a table in the corner when I arrived, playing with the lid from his cup and gazing out the window. I ordered a coffee and sat across from him. I didn’t know what to say or think or even what I hoped would come out of this conversation. When his blue eyes met mine, I was torn between wanting things to go back to the way they were and recklessly wanting to kiss him again.
“Maddie, about last night…”
In that pause I heard it all. I clutched my cup so hard the lid popped off and coffee spilled over the edge and onto the table. Jared handed me a napkin, and I mopped it up.
“Sorry,” I said. Did these kinds of things happen to other girls, or was the universe just mocking me now?
“It’s okay.” He sucked in a breath, but I cut in before he could start again.
“I already know what you’re going to say, and it’s fine.” If I said it, it would feel less like he was rejecting me and more like I’d decided this myself. Which I had. Really.
“You do?”
I nodded while I formed a pile of wet napkins on the table. “And I agree. Last night was a mistake, it can’t happen again, and we should just be friends.” His eyes widened and he opened his mouth, but I went on. “It’s fine. Really.” I gave a short laugh that sounded more like a choking sound. “We both got caught up in the excitement from the show. Don’t worry about it.”
“Yeah.” He fidgeted with the heat protector on his cup and cleared his throat. “Kyle and Hector would lose their shit if anything happened between us anyway.”
“I know, right?” This time it was easier to laugh.
He ran a hand through his hair and stared out the window. I thought he’d be relieved, but he looked as tortured as I felt and it tugged at my heart.
“Not okay?” I asked, trying to keep it light, yet also hoping it would remind him of all the times he’d asked me that.
“Of course I’m okay.” He smiled at me, but it was missing the normal luster.
We both played with our cups and looked at anything but each other. Our usual easy banter had vanished, and my chest ached with everything I really wanted to say. I didn’t know if I could go back to being friends with Jared. Just being near him made me sick with longing, and every time I saw him with another girl, I felt violent. But ending it now would be better for both of us and for the band.
After a few minutes of uncomfortable small talk, we finished our drinks and walked out. The late summer sun had set while we’d been inside, and now the streets were packed with cars and bathed in the glow of headlights. Jared kept his hands shoved in his pockets, and neither of us spoke. I just wanted this night to be over already. Why was the hotel so far away?
We passed between the thick pillars of a tall office building, and Jared stopped. “Maddie, wait.” I turned to see his eyes pleading with me. “Back there—that wasn’t what I was going to say.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No.” He moved closer, and my breath caught. “Last night wasn’t a mistake. I want it to happen again. And I don’t want to be friends.” His head bowed, and his lips hovered near mine, tempting me with how close they were. “Do you?”
“No, I don’t want to be friends.” Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” popped into my head as I said it. That’s what happened when you thought in music. “But what about the show? And…your reputation?”
“We’ll figure something out. But Mad
die, I swear, you’re the only one I want.”
I’d been dying to hear those words for weeks. Our mouths met, forced together by the unstoppable release of pent-up desire. He pressed me back against a pillar, using one arm to shade us from anyone who might see. With his other hand, he gripped my hip, digging his fingers into the fabric of my dress while he kissed me long and hard until I was practically moaning for more. I slid my hands down his chest and under his shirt, running my fingers across his bare stomach like I’d fantasized about for weeks. He tugged at my bottom lip with his teeth, driving me crazy, making me forget all the reasons we couldn’t be together. I didn’t know what we were doing or where this would lead, but I didn’t want to stop.
“We should go to the hotel,” I said, breathing heavily.
“I like the sound of that.”
We walked side-by-side, stealing glances and smiles whenever we could. I still found it hard to believe that, out of all the girls he’d flirted with, he’d chosen me. He was just so different from the normal guys I went out with. I usually dated guys like Sean—friendly and nice, safe but not particularly exciting. But I was done with safe.
Suddenly, Jared belted out the chorus to “Bad Romance,” which was still playing on a loop in my head, too. I laughed, and when he continued with the next line, I sang along with him, right there in the middle of the street while cars drove past and people in suits walked by. They probably thought we were crazy or drunk, but whatever. Jared was the first guy who truly got me, who understood that music coursed through my blood and crept into every single thought—because he was exactly the same way.
“Singing Lady Gaga might be the sexiest thing you’ve ever done,” I said.
“Is that so?” He pulled me close, singing the next line of the song against my lips.
I pushed him back with a smile. “Stop or we won’t make it back to the hotel.”
“Is that a promise?” he asked, his arms circling my waist.
We turned the corner and froze when we saw Kyle and Alexis walking out of the hotel, on their way to dinner. We ducked out of sight and broke apart, returning to a friends-only distance. The magic vanished, leaving us with only questions and doubts.
I leaned against the wall and combed my fingers through my hair until my heart slowed down. “What are we going to do? We have to stay single for the show, and the guys will kill us if they find out.”
Jared frowned in the direction of the hotel, rubbing the stubble on his neck. Finally, he sighed. “We’ll have to be careful. Keep this under wraps until the show is over.”
I bit my lip, considering. I didn’t want to lie to the others, but I had to be realistic, too. Staying away from Jared for the next few weeks would be impossible. We couldn’t ignore our attraction while spending almost every waking moment together. If we tried, eventually we’d combust from the sparks. Even now, with the threat of discovery so close, I wanted to touch him. But if anyone found out about us, it could ruin everything for the band.
“This is a really bad idea,” I said.
“I know.” He fixed me with an intense gaze that took my breath away. “But I can’t think of any other way.”
“Me either.” We were really going to do this, to carry on a secret relationship under the other guys’ noses and try to fool the entire world that we weren’t together. And meanwhile, Jared would continue flirting with other girls in front of me. But the only other choice was to end it now, and that wasn’t an option. “We should return to the hotel separately to avoid suspicion.”
“Do you want me to stop by your room later?”
God, yes. But I shook my head. I might have agreed to a secret relationship, but I wasn’t ready to go further with it tonight. And as much as I desired Jared, I didn’t want to be just another hook-up either. If we were going to do this, I’d want something real. Problem was, I didn’t know if Jared could give me that.
FIFTEEN
People thought being in a rock band was glamorous and exciting, but in reality, it was often pretty tedious. We spent most of our time rehearsing or doing other business for the show, and finding a moment alone with Jared was near-impossible now that I badly wanted one. Hector and Kyle were always around, and when they weren’t, the cameras were.
Alexis showed up to a few rehearsals to take photos of us for the website and make out with Kyle between songs. It was torture watching them be so open with their love, not caring who saw them together. Meanwhile, Jared and I were forced to duck into closets, sneak into empty studios, and steal quick kisses when no one was looking. It was hard to keep the charade up, but I couldn’t invite him to my room yet. I knew where that would lead, and I wanted to take things slow for now. Something had shifted between us when we’d moved from friends to something else, and we were still figuring out the rules of this new situation.
This week’s theme was “Neon ‘90s,” which meant we had to pick a song from 1990 to 1993. We settled on Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence” after listening to the remix Linkin Park had done, along with the covers by Breaking Benjamin and Anberlin. There wasn’t much for me to do during this song, but maybe that was better—less chance of falling off the stage and making a fool of myself again. Instead, it was Kyle’s turn to shine on keyboard.
During our final rehearsal before the live show, Jared wore a T-shirt with a bunch of X-Men villains on it, like Magneto and Mystique. Seeing him embrace his inner geek made me want to rip his clothes off right there in the studio. He kept grinning at me like he knew exactly what I was thinking, but the other guys were too busy practicing to notice.
After we finished, the guys headed back to the hotel, and I made an excuse about wanting to check out the piano in one of the other practice rooms. I’d hoped Jared would stay behind, too, but unfortunately, he left with them. Oh, well. Just me and the music. But I was used to that after a lifetime of practicing alone.
It wasn’t completely an excuse either; I’d been itching to get back on the piano. I hadn’t touched one since I’d joined the band, except for that brief moment with Kyle’s keyboard. Guitar had completely taken over my life, and while I didn’t regret it for a second, I did miss other instruments, too. Okay, not so much the clarinet.
I sat in front of the piano and ran my fingers along the smooth black-and-white keys. Without thinking, I slipped into my usual warm-up routine, as if I was practicing in my old living room or in one of the music rooms at school. The nostalgia should have been comforting, but instead it made me feel trapped, like I was shoving my true self back in a box.
I shook off the feeling and placed my fingers back on the keys. I wouldn’t play anything I’d practiced in school. If I had only a few stolen minutes with a piano, I would play the music I loved most: movie scores. I’d lose myself in an epic piece, letting the melody paint a scene in my head, from romantic to action-packed to bittersweet.
To get into the mood, I played through a few different themes, from The Godfather to Harry Potter to Inception. Jared walked in at the end of the Jurassic Park theme, and I barely managed to keep my cool while I finished the piece, trying not to show how much his presence affected me. He could have returned to the lobby to flirt with other girls and keep his reputation going, but instead he’d come back to me.
He slid onto the bench, fitting against my side in a way that was deliciously distracting. “I should have known you’d sneak off to spend time with John Williams.”
“I can’t help it. He’s just so dreamy,” I said with an overly dramatic sigh.
“There you go, making me jealous again.”
“How about this instead?” I started a fun piece while Jared watched my fingers dance across the keys.
“I know this,” he said. “Nightmare Before Christmas, right?”
I nodded. “Danny Elfman is my hero. He sang for Oingo Boingo—”
“Who did the best ‘80s song ever, ‘Dead’s Man’s Party.’”
“Yes! He also writes movie scores, like for all the Tim Burton f
ilms. I basically want to be him when I grow up.”
“He does make some great Halloween music.” He nudged me with his elbow. “Kyle told me you’re from the Bay Area. Why didn’t you go to the San Francisco Conservatory if you’re such a musical genius?” My hands froze over the keys, and he said, “Sorry if that’s too personal a question…”
“No, it’s fine.” I took a moment to consider my next words. “I picked UCLA so I’d be far enough away that I couldn’t go home all the time, but close enough to hop on a quick flight if there was an emergency.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Everything okay?”
“My mom’s an alcoholic. Sober at the moment, but she’s told me that before, so who knows. She’s also just…a mess. It’s a rare day she gets out of bed. And my father…” I used my sleeve to wipe fingerprints off the music rack, keeping my eyes fixed in front of me. “He had an affair with my mom. She had no idea he was married and had kids, a whole secret life he kept from her, but when she got pregnant, he confessed everything.”
“Damn. That’s messed up.”
“Yeah. Most of the time I forget that part of my family entirely, until he does something like buying me a guilt car for my sixteenth birthday. He paid for all my music lessons and instruments as a kid, too, like he thought he could make up for not being a real dad by throwing money at us.” I tried to shrug it off. “What about you? Kyle told me you both grew up in LA, and I know your mom is a songwriter and your dad a lawyer, but that’s it.”
Jared stared at the keys and didn’t answer, and I worried I’d crossed some line by asking him something personal, even though I’d just spilled something myself. Finally, he said, “My parents split up when I was seventeen and Kyle was fifteen. Nasty divorce.”
BANGED: Rock Stars, Bad Boys & Dirty Deeds Page 74
