A Taxing Situation

by Nanisi Barrett D'Arnuk

  I decided that I’d go talk to Beau before I hit the road. The old buffalo was lying in the field, under the trees, surrounded by a huge lump of tall grass.

  “Yo, Beau!” I called out. I slid down beside him, leaning against his side,

  “Moove,” he bleated. I slid to the side as he forced himself into a more upright position.

  “Don’t get up. I’ll sit with you,” I said.

  He shook his humongous head as he snorted. “Phew.”.

  “How have you been?” I asked.

  He growled.

  “Yes, I’ve felt the same way. I’ll be gone for a few weeks,” I told him. “I’ll try t’go see your old buds up in Cheyenne. I’ll tell Ruuf hi for you. You know, I heard he has a whole herd of family now. He and Cloe have twelve kids, you know, and seventeen grandkids. There’ll probably be more great-grandkids this summer.”

  “Good for them,” Beau snorted. “We need more kids around. They let our families die for a while, didn’t they?”

  “Yes, my friend. I’m afraid they did.”

  “Give them my love.”

  I nodded.

  “Did they kill all of the brown-skinned people?”

  “Not all, but a lot have been assimilated in with the white skins.”

  “Such a shame,” he sighed. “I really loved the brown people. Some of us were even blessed to give up our lives so the brown people could continue. You now, they had so much fun running with us, but they always blessed our souls when one of us fell. Those were good people. Do you have someone brown in you?”

  “Way back. My great, great grandmother was Sioux.”

  “It shows. That’s why you have the power. It’s been a pleasure to spend my final days with you.”

  “Final days?” I erupted. “You’re not ready to leave yet.”

  “Soon, I think, Young Brain Child. I’m getting close to that time. I need to be where there’s more snow, but don’t worry, I won’t leave you until you find a partner. I know that Tony boy is going away to school next color-season, and I’ll miss him. Don’t tell him I said that. I don’t want him to worry that he’s leaving here.” He snorted loudly. “Gudi and the girls will still be here for you, but I think you need another of your own kind. You’ll find her soon.”

  Gudi and the two other girls were the donkeys I had gotten from Mr. Melrose’s place.

  “Thanks, Beau. I enjoy our time together.”

  “How is that going…that money woman?”

  “Not too well. I’m not sure she believes what I tell her. She thought Moxie tasted like moose piss.”

  Beau bleated a loud laugh. “You’re going to have to talk to her on her level, then. Talk about finances and money. That will get her.”

  “You think?”

  “Hhhmph,” he snorted. He closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

  I gave his massive shoulders a big hug, then got up and walked back toward my car.

  * * * *

  Darlene picked up her telephone to call Sandy. April fifteen was not that far away.

  “I’ve finally got your taxes done,” she began. “Sorry it took so long, but I had a lot of people rushing in at the last minute. You need to come in and look at them so I can post them for you.”

  “Oh, good! Is this a refund year or a payment year?” Sandy asked.

  “A refund year! That traveling you did last summer to go see that horror story writer added just enough, but all you got from Joan’s books almost sank you. She did quite well, didn’t she?” Sandy was a literary agent.

  “Yes. I’m lucky I found her,” Sandy responded. “Or she found me. She’s my best client. So, have you seen our little genius lately?” Sandy asked.

  “No.” Darlene laughed. “I almost began to miss her.”

  “I told you if you ignored her, she’d go away.” Sandy chuckled.

  “I’m afraid she’ll be back, though. I made the mistake of not saying an outright no when she asked me out to dinner, so she may still show up again,” Darlene said with a big sigh.

  “I understand she was working on a new book, so she might be too busy, and she’s been on a three-week lecturing tour at science fiction conventions. She also bought a lot of livestock for her land, so that’s been taking up a lot of her time, too.”

  “Livestock? No kidding? And all from this planet? Any moose?”

  Sandy laughed. “Really! She has three milk cows, ten head of cattle, three donkeys, and a buffalo.”

  “How does that fit into Fibonacci?” Darlene asked. She, too, was chuckling.

  “She was upset about that but decided the buffalo had an outstanding story to tell her about his time here on earth, and the donkeys assured her they’d keep the cattle in line if she’d keep the three of them together. She told me that, on their original planet, a marriage was always made from a threesome, and these have been together over fifteen years.”

  “Really? Two females and one male or the other way around?” Darlene asked.

  “It didn’t seem to matter. Her three are all females.”

  “Ah! Lesbian donkeys!” Darlene said with a sigh.

  “She even had a special barn built for them because they said they hated being out in the rain.

  “Good God!”

  “Yes,” Sandy continued, “she’s living a rather hectic life.”

  “Good for her. Now, what about you?”

  “I’m doing well,” Sandy answered. “I signed a new cook-book author last month, and I think I’ve already sold her books. I’ll tell you, though, Joanie makes me enough money that I almost don’t need anyone else.”

  “What about that mystery writer? Is he still writing?”

  “Yes, the one he sold last year has been doing really well, and he’s got another one coming out next month.”

  “Are you still seeing that cartoonist?”

  “No, that ended a few weeks ago. She met someone on one of her Christmas tours and moved to San Diego to be with her.”

  “Sorry to hear that.”

  “Yes, they seem to come and go. And what about you?” Sandy asked.

  “It’s tax season. What time did I have to go out with anyone? Besides, who wants someone as boring as a CPA?”

  “Darlene!” Sandy exclaimed. “You’ve never been boring.”

  “It seems like it. Even my cactus doesn’t need me that often.”

  “You still have those cacti?”

  “Yup. They won’t die no matter how much I ignore them. Maybe I should plant them in my back yard.”

  “With summer coming, they’d probably enjoy that.”

  “And if they spread out, I wouldn’t have to pay someone to mow back there.”

  “Don’t tell Joanie that. She’d buy you some goats or sheep to keep the grass low.”

  “That’s one woman you can never say is boring, can you?”

  “Can you imagine what living with her would be like?”

  “God, no! I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.”

  * * * *

  “Hey! Welcome home!” Tony yelled as I pulled into the yard.

  “Hi! How’s it been around here?” I’d been paying Tony to watch my place and make sure the livestock ate while I was away.

  “Everything’s fine here,” he answered.

  “No complaints?”

  “You know Wol always has a complaint, but he’s been doing well. Gudi thought she had a cold, but I think she’s allergic to that new wheat you planted out back. As long as she doesn’t go back there, she’s okay.”

  Gudi was the leader of the three donkeys.

  “Were Maileen and Phlaux allergic, too?”

  “No, they didn’t seem affected, just Gudi, but I don’t think they ate as much from back there.”

  “I told Gudi to lay off the fatty stuff, but no, she has to try everything.”

  “Well, they’re all right now. I put a red ribbon along the edge of that field so they’d know not to go out that far, and we had a long talk about it.”

 
“Thanks for taking care of them. How are the cows?” I asked.

  “They’re fine. I got a good two gallons between them every day. Mom’s been cooking with it. She said that as soon as you came home, to let her know. She has a couple loaves of bread for you.”

  “Really? I love real bread. Just wheat, or did she use other grains?

  “Just white bread for now, but she’s thinking of making oat or potato bread next. She also made you some flat bread and a few tortillas.”

  “That’s sweet of her.”

  “She said you were sweet for sending over all the milk and eggs,” Tony said.

  “Not a problem at all. How’s Beau?”

  “The old buffalo? He doesn’t say that much to me, except that he missed you and wanted to know when you’d be back. He just lays out there. He doesn’t seem interested in anything.”

  “I should go talk to all of them. I know Beau will be happy to hear that some of his friends up in Montana sent their regards.”

  “Yup. That might cheer him.” Then Tony switched to another subject. “You got a lot of mail waiting for you. There was a whole carton of books from Amazon, a copy of Forbes magazine, and the Wall Street Journal has been coming every day. Did you subscribe to it?”

  “Yes, I did. Beau suggested one night that if I could talk about things on Darlene’s level, she might be more interested in me. I mean, it makes sense. If she doesn’t want to talk about extraterrestrial things, we’ve got to have something to talk about.”

  “That might do it! I know that after I joined the basketball team, Susan became much more interested in me.”

  “That’s right. How did that go? The season’s over, isn’t it?”

  Tony nodded. “We lost the State Title, but Susan was still on my side.” He grinned. “She even let me score more when it was over…as a consolation prize!”

  “Good for you!”

  The smile on his face could have rivaled the sun.

  “I brought about a hundred eggs into the food kitchen, twice. They were really pleased, too. I guess they get crowded at breakfast time now. Everyone wants to get an egg.”

  “Then we’ll have to keep them stocked. I don’t know what else to do with all those eggs. I may have to cull the flock, and then they’d have chicken to add to their menu.”

  “If you buy a big freezer, you could keep enough for you for the whole year.”

  “Yes, but I have other ways to feed myself. Some of those folks in town need all the help they can get.”

  Tony nodded.

  “Let’s see. I owe you for twenty-three days, don’t I?” I reached into my bag for the checkbook.

  “Oh, Joan. This has been fun for me, and Mom says she owes you for at least four dozen eggs and gallons of milk.”

  “No, she doesn’t. Will fifteen hundred cover it?”

  “Fifteen hundred? That’s five hundred dollars a week!”

  “Okay, then, eighteen hundred.”

  “Joan, no!” Tony couldn’t believe it. “That’s much too much. I thought maybe two hundred a week.”

  “No, that’s not even thirty dollars a day. You did quite a lot taking care of everyone. How about fifty dollars a day? Then you’ll have something to put away for your prom and graduation.”

  “Well…”

  I wrote out a check for eleven hundred and fifty dollars.

  “You’re amazing, Joan.”

  “Not really, but I’ve got to start reading some of those books. April fifteenth is next week.”

  * * * *

  The sun had risen hours ago, but Darlene was just getting up. She hadn’t slept this late in months! Actually, she couldn’t remember when she’d ever slept this late, but it was April 16th. She’d earned this. Last night had been hectic as several people had come in at the last minute to file forgotten taxes. She’d doubled her prices on the last day and had made herself a bundle. Now maybe she’d go to Florida for a week and bask in the sun. She’d have to double check the dates before she booked anything, though, to make sure she wasn’t there during spring break. The last thing she needed was to share the surf with a bunch of college kids. Maybe she’d see if Sandy wanted to go with her. It was always nicer to have a friend along, but then, maybe she needed the solitude. It had been a grinding few months.

  She went into her office, still wrapped in her bathrobe. Today was the first day she hadn’t had to get dressed up. Her office looked a mess. There were papers everywhere and empty beer bottles where that last guy had brought a whole six-pack so he could relax while she found him a two hundred dollar refund. He had finally persuaded her to share one with him. That was probably why she’d slept so late.

  She’d ended up putting a sign on her door that said Closed until May.

  The phone rang. She looked at the readout to see who it was. It was Sandy.

  “Well, did you survive?” was the first thing Sandy asked when Darlene answered.

  “I’m not sure yet,” Darlene responded. “Ask me next month.”

  Sandy laughed loudly. “Was last night hectic?”

  “Yes, I had three last-minute filings. Jack Robins came in at ten o’clock with all his papers. He said he’s been working so hard and didn’t know what date it was until his wife called to see how much she was getting back this year.”

  “Jack never knows what day it is. He gets engrossed in his cars and doesn’t know if it’s day or night. It’s no wonder his wife moved out. Does he even know she’s gone?”

  Darlene laughed. “Yes, he knows. He was bitching about all the money he has to send her. Listen, I’m thinking of taking a week to go lie on the beach in Florida. Want to come with me? It’ll be the same price for either one or two, except for the food. If we drive, it won’t cost that much.”

  “Great idea! When are we going?”

  “What are you doing the week after next? That will give me time to get everything cleaned up here.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Let me check all my appointments. I’ll get back to you.”

  “Alrighty. Give me a call.”

  “You got it. Talk to you tomorrow.” Both phones went dead.

  Darlene took a deep breath and started straightening up everything in her office. By mid-afternoon, it all looked good to her.

  She went into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. The doorbell rang. She went and looked through the peep hole but couldn’t see anyone out there. She opened the door to look out. Joan Howell stood off to the side. She was dressed in that beige jacket but had on a bright blue shirt and black slacks.

  “Hi, Joan. What brings you here?” Darlene greeted her.

  Joan held out three pink roses. “Happy un-tax day.”

  “Thank you,” Darlene said, opening the door to take the flowers. “Come on in.”

  “You look like you just got up,” Joan said as she entered the living room.

  Darlene looked down. She’d forgotten she hadn’t gotten dressed yet. She laughed at herself. “This was the first day in months I wasn’t expecting clients.”

  Joan nodded. “I figured as much.”

  “I just made a pot of coffee. Want a cup?”

  “That would be great,” Joan said.

  “What do you take in it?”

  “Just black.”

  Darlene studied her before she turned to go into the kitchen. Joan didn’t seem as manic and off-the-wall as she had been. She seemed almost down-to-earth. But she’d only been here a couple minutes. Give her time.

  Darlene took a tall glass from the cabinet and filled it with water to put the roses in. There was a single spray of baby’s breath with them, too.

  “These are beautiful. Thank you,” she said as she placed them on the counter.

  “How have you been?” Joan asked as she accepted the coffee mug Darlene handed her.

  “Busy. My final client left at midnight last night.”

  “A long filing?”

  “Not really, he was just late.”

  Joan nodded and took a sip o
f the coffee. “This is good,” she said. “What brand is it?”

  “Just your every-day Folgers dark roast, but I imagine you don’t buy American coffee.”

  Joan shook her head. Darlene was waiting for her to mention some far-away planet. “I get it from Brazil. The cashew plantation also has a couple coffee and cocoa fields, so they send a ki or two every month. The foreman asked if I wanted some coca leaves, too, but I had to tell him no. That’s too dangerous to process, and I don’t want cocaine to get into the hands of the kids around here.”

  “No, you wouldn’t want that.”

  They each sipped their coffee. Darlene led the way back into the living room.

  “Have a seat,” she offered.

  Joan slid down into the chair next to the cacti plants. “I see your cactus is doing well,” she said.

  “Yes. I guess it’s what I needed. It hasn’t died from my neglect.”

  “I can see that. I knew you’d get busy and needed something you didn’t need to water regularly. I planted a few out in the fields. The donkeys seem to like them.”

  “That’s right. Sandy told me you had purchased some livestock.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say I bought them, but I paid the people who had had them. Now they’re free to roam where they want. I’ve had to put fencing up, though, to keep neighbors from coming in to disturb them.”

  Of course! Why would Joan put up a fence to keep her livestock in when she could just tell them to stay there?

  “No. You couldn’t own them. They have to be free,” Darlene said with a small smile. Why would she think Joan would own another species?

  “Well, the cattle don’t seem to mind the fencing, but the donkeys are quite independent.”

  “I’ve heard that about them,” Darlene added.

  “They enjoy the cattle, but think they’re rather dimwitted,” Joan took a breath. “I was wondering if you had enough time now to go to dinner?”

  The sudden change of subject stunned Darlene for a moment.

  “Oh, that’s right. We didn’t go the last time you asked.”

  “No, you said after the tax season. I was hoping this was far enough past it.”

  Darlene looked at her. Maybe this was a good time to get this over with. “Sure. Did you have any special place in mind?”