A Taxing Situation

by Nanisi Barrett D'Arnuk

  “If you want, we can go back to that steak house. That tad…uh, lobster was really good there…unless you want to go somewhere else.”

  “No. That steakhouse seems like a good place. I might have the lobster, too. I haven’t had one since last summer.”

  “Great!”

  “Let me go get dressed, and we can go. It’s still early, so it shouldn’t be crowded yet.”

  * * * *

  I took a deep breath as I watched Darlene go into the rear of the house. Well, she hadn’t been as negative today, but we’d still have to see. At least she hadn’t thrown the cacti out. I was sure, after she’d come to my place, that it would be gone if I ever came back again. Maybe her mind was so ensconced in all that tax stuff that she was only thinking numerically. She seemed a little more open today, too. We’d have to see.

  I’d read through several books about the current Wall Street behavior, and I’d studied several corporate changes. Maybe there’d be something there that would interest her. I’d also have to remember to tell her about ReCoil Inc.

  I wanted to tell her all that Beau had told me, but maybe that would have to wait. I’d learned so much from him that it had changed my whole idea about American history.

  It was many minutes later when Darlene came back into the room. She was beautifully dressed in a coffee-colored blouse with brown slacks and white braided rope accessories. God, she looked gorgeous!

  “Sorry it took me so long. I had to shower.” Her long light brown hair was wrapped into a bun at the back of her neck.

  “Not a problem. The results were worth the wait,” I said with an approving smile. I liked what I saw. She’d also added a little makeup that made her eyes glow.

  “Thanks. Your car or mine?”

  “Let’s take mine. It’s right outside.”

  “All right. Let’s go.” She picked up her purse and keys and headed outside.

  My car was a few years old, but I had kept it in good shape. It was an old Peugeot like the one my Gramps had had. It was small compared to some of the newer models, but to me, it felt like a spaceship. Everything was within arm’s reach. I didn’t even have to turn around to see behind me. There was a rear-view camera in back, which showed up on a screen above my rearview mirror.

  “Wow,” Darlene said as she fastened her seat-belt. “This is really high-tech.”

  I had to laugh. I’d had it rigged like this for quite a while.

  “Nah,” I corrected her, “I wired this up at least five years ago. High-tech would be having cameras three-hundred and sixty degrees around, but I think that would be confusing. I have to really concentrate to remember which way is in front of me, or behind.”

  “As long as you can see where you’re going.”

  The steakhouse wasn’t that crowded yet, and we got a nice window table overlooking a small park next door. Our waiter was a woman who seemed pleased that we were there. She quickly got our drinks for us. We both ordered salads and lobsters.

  “I understand you’ve been on a lecture tour,” Darlene started. “Sandy told me that a few days ago.”

  “Yes, but it was at sci-fi conventions, so you probably wouldn’t be interested.”

  “No. Don’t say that. I understand science fiction, but I still hang onto the term fiction. “

  “Luckily, most of the people who attend these conventions don’t. Some came dressed in what they think non-terrestrials look like. It’s too bad they’re so off the mark, but at least they’re happy.”

  “Did you sell a lot of books?”

  “I always do. My publisher has a big table at each of these, and I have to sit for hours, signing autographs sometimes. I try to wait until the last day or late at night so many have gone home.”

  “That’s not fair. You should be happy you have such a large audience.”

  The waiter brought out salads, and we started to eat.

  “I do appreciate all my fans, but it’s hard answering all the questions they ask. One even asked why I didn’t bring Wol with me.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “He’s too messy, and I don’t think I could get a seat on the plane for him. He doesn’t like being that close to people he doesn’t know.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  I talked for a while bout the cons until the lobsters arrived.

  “Oh, good,” I exclaimed as I broke mine open. “A female! I love the roe.” I immediately scooped some of the eggs onto my fork. “Want some?”

  ‘No, you can eat them.”

  “You know, the roe in a Cerulian lobster is almost as big as a softball.”

  “Seems logical if they’re as big as elephants.”

  “You remembered?” I was surprised.

  “I have a hard time forgetting anything you tell me,”

  “I’m sorry.” Then I switched to my investments. “I don’t know if you remember, but I had about a hundred shares of stock in a company called ReCoil Inc. I bought it when they were first starting out and it was still a penny-stock. I think I paid seventy-seven cents apiece for it. I was interested in what they were doing; trying a new way to build engines for non-fossil fuel or battery-operated cars,” I explained as I broke apart the claws of my lobster.

  “I watched them for almost a year. Last September, I visited their offices in St. Louis and got to talk with them. I liked what they were doing, but I saw something that didn’t seem right to me. So we sat down and went through all their specs, and I suggested a few things. The two guys at the top seemed quite interested, but I got home and didn’t think about it again. A month ago, I got a letter from them, asking if I’d be on the board of their corporation. It seems they took my suggestion and ran with it. Their new engine got named the “Invention of the Year,” and their stock has gone through the roof. They’ve had offers from all the major car manufacturers…and they sent me ten-thousand shares! And the stock price is over ninety dollars apiece now.”

  “Good heavens! You’ll be rich soon.”

  “Maybe I’ll have to hire you to manage all that. I have no idea what to do with it all.”

  “Perhaps you’ll buy more livestock and go into the meat business,” Darlene suggested.

  “No, I could never do that. I had a hard enough time slaughtering forty-two chickens last week.”

  “Forty-two chickens? Is forty-two a Fibonacci number?”

  Wow, I didn’t think she knew that series. “No, I did twenty-one from one flock and twenty-one from another.”

  Darlene nodded. “So you have enough chicken for the rest of the year?”

  “No, I gave them to the food kitchen in town.”

  “Gave them?”

  “Yes, I’ve been giving them most of the eggs, too.”

  “Are you keeping track of how much you give?”

  “No. Should I?”

  “Of course! You can write that off against your earnings. It’ll save on your taxes.”

  I was surprised. I’d never thought of that.

  “Joan, how many eggs have you given them?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe nine or ten dozen a week. I can never eat that many myself.”

  “Then why do you have so many chickens?”

  “Well…you’re going to think this is crazy, but it started with just a flock that a Thombodian contingent had bought for their feathers, but they had to leave them here when they went back to Thombo. They didn’t know what to do with them, so I said I’d take them off their limbs.” I saw a look of question in Darlene’s eyes. “Thombodians don’t have hands, just three long stick-like appendages that work like fingers.”

  Darlene sat back and stared at me. “I’m beginning to think nothing you tell me is crazy. But, yes, you do need someone to watch your finances. Everything you’ve told me tonight has put you into a much higher tax bracket.”

  “Could you do it?”

  “I’ll have to think about it. I’m not sure how I can deal with your extraterrestrial friends.”

  “They
won’t bother you. I’ll keep them away.”

  * * * *

  Darlene was quiet on the way home, listening to Joan speak about her new livestock. Somehow, the more Joan talked on and on, it all began to make sense to her. She’d never believed in non-terrestrial beings, but Joan made it all seem feasible. Joan somehow combined true science with the unimaginable, and Darlene almost wanted to believe all of it. She’d read enough about Native American shamans and the miraculous healing they’d done with no modern medicine, that she believed in her heart that somewhere there was another dimension in space accessible by certain people…those who had the belief and gift to see things others couldn’t.

  Joan’s explanation of things was somehow beginning to make sense. Darlene couldn’t imagine how anyone could make up something so fantastic…in such detail. The more Joan talked, the more Darlene began to understand this phenomenal mind. She’s never met anyone like that.

  The amount of food Joan was giving away each week stunned her. Joan raised chickens just to give them and their eggs away! How astonishing was that? Yes, someone had to keep track of it, if Joan wasn’t going to do it. If Darlene decided not to take on that project herself, she’d have to find someone who would.

  “You’ll have to come out and meet him sometime.” Joan’s words broke into her thought.

  “Meet who?”

  “Beau! The buffalo. He doesn’t say much, but he has a wonderful background. I’m not sure how much longer he’ll stick around.”

  Darlene didn’t dare ask why not. “I’d love to see your buffalo. You said you thought he was fifty years old? I thought buffalo only lived to be twenty-five or so.

  “He says he’s fifty, but he remembers things that happened at least a century ago, so I’m sure he’s older than that.”

  “My God! That must be a world record.”

  “He told me of the time the men in blue clothes came to kill his friends, all because of the yellow rocks. He said he and the other buffs never cared because the rocks weren’t that tasty, but they were happy that their friends, the brown-skinned people, seemed to like it and could make things with it. From the land he described, I think he was in the Dakotas.”

  “Wasn’t the gold rush there in the 1860s?”

  “That’s what I thought.”

  “He couldn’t be that old,” Darlene exclaimed.

  Joan nodded. “That, too, was what I thought, but the army hasn’t made forays into the black hills in years!”

  “Good heavens, Joan. Where do you get this stuff?”

  “I got Beau from a zoo down in Oklahoma that was going out of business.”

  No, that wasn’t what she meant, but she let it go.

  They pulled into her driveway.

  “Thank you for dinner. It was delicious, and the whole evening was very special.”

  “I thought so, too.” Joan turned and leaned into Darlene. She took her head between her hands and kissed her.

  At first, Darlene tried to pull away, but Joan was there. The kiss felt good. The longer Joan pulled her close and the harder the kiss became, the less Darlene tried to fight it. The less she fought it, the hotter it became. Soon, Darlene found herself responding to the kiss without consciously making the decision to do so.

  Finally, Joan sat back. They stared at each other for a moment.

  My God! Darlene thought. I almost didn’t want that to stop! What is wrong with me?

  Darlene unfastened her seatbelt and got out of the car. Without a word, she went to her door and slipped her key into the lock.

  “But…”

  She turned the key, opened the door, and went inside.

  * * * *

  I watched as Darlene got out of the car and walked to her door. It looked for a moment like she was going to say something, but she opened the door and went inside.

  I started the car but sat there for a moment in case Darlene changed her mind and came back out. She didn’t. I looked at the screen at what was behind me but couldn’t decide to shift into reverse. I turned the engine off.

  Should I go knock on her door? It felt like she kissed me back; at least, I thought she had. Maybe she hadn’t. What should I do?

  I fired the engine back up.

  Good God! She had been so open tonight and almost admitted she believed what I was telling her. Perhaps I should ask Wol or Beau what they thought. Sometimes I felt they knew a whole lot more about human females than I did. But…no, I had to do this myself. I was a grown-up. I was almost forty. I could do this myself, couldn’t I? I turned the engine off. No sense wasting fuel.

  Damn, Darlene! Say something.

  What had she thought? She’d said the dinner was special. Just the dinner? Not me? Why had she gone out with me? Why had she kissed me back? What was she thinking? Was she playing a game with me? Was this a dead end, or did she want me to make the next move? Damn! I’d made the last three next moves. Wasn’t it her turn?

  Of course, it was.

  I turned the car back on and switch into reverse.

  Wait! She still hadn’t said whether she’d do my finances or not.

  I got out of my car and marched up to her door and rang the bell. I waited. As she opened the door, I heard screeching of brakes and car horns blasting.

  What the fuck? I turned to see my car out in the street. One car had stopped about an inch before it would have creamed me.

  I ran out there. Two other drivers were already out of their cars.

  “I’m so sorry!” I yelled. “Is everyone all right?”

  “What the fuck did you do?” one man yelled at me.

  “Stupid woman driver!” yelled another.

  “It was an accident! Don’t be so nasty. I said I was sorry!” I yelled back.

  “Sorry wouldn’t stop the heart attack I almost had!” one screamed. “Get your piece of junk out of the street!”

  “Junk!” I screamed. “There’s more high tech in this car than you’ve ever seen!”

  “Then get it the hell out off the street, or all your high tech will be worth squat!”

  Another car honked. There were three more backed up behind these two. Everyone was getting impatient.

  I slammed myself into my car. Should I just back up all the way and go home or pull back into Darlene’s? I didn’t know what I should do. These guys had me totally confused.

  I looked up to see Darlene beckoning me back into her driveway. Damn! Okay.

  I pulled up and stopped the car, turned the engine of, and set the brake.

  Darlene came up to my window. “Come inside,” she said softly.

  I put my head down to think about it.

  “Come on,” she said again. “It’s all right.”

  I took a breath and opened my door.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  No, I wasn’t all right. I was embarrassed and confused.

  She reached in and took my arm. “Come on. You need to relax. Come inside.”

  “I’ll just go home,” I muttered.

  “Not like that. You’re upset. Come inside. I’ll make something to help you relax.”

  “What the hell.” I got out of the car and let her steer me into her living room. She sat me on the couch.

  “I’m sorry I don’t have any of your Moxie. What else can I get you?”

  “It doesn’t matter. Maybe some coffee?”

  “No, coffee won’t help you relax. How about some brandy? That will help.”

  I must have nodded because she went back into the kitchen and I heard her opening cabinets and rattling glasses. She returned with two small snifters filled with an amber liquid. She handed me one. I took it and drained the entire glass. I could feel it burning its way through me into my stomach. I looked up to see her staring at me.

  “Here, take some more but drink it slowly.” She poured some of hers into my glass. I looked down into it. “Feel better?” she asked as she sank down beside me.

  “I guess. I’m sorry that happened.”

  �
��Don’t apologize. It’s over, and no one was hurt.”

  No one? Except me. My pride was hurt. My self-esteem was shattered.

  “I feel like a fool. I got out of my car without turning it off. I never do that. What was I thinking?”

  Well, I knew what I was thinking, but how do I say that to her?

  “You had just rung my doorbell. I heard your car start and stop a few times. Was something wrong with it?”

  “No,” I admitted. “It was me.”

  “Then what did you want?”

  “You never said if you’d help with my finances, and I wanted to take you to bed.”

  Darlene stared at me. Well, she’d asked, and I’d answered. I knew if I didn’t say it all at once, I’d never have the gumption to say it again.

  “Just like that?” she asked.

  “Well, not both at the same time,” I answered.

  “That’s good. I don’t think I could do them both at once.”

  “No. I doubt I could do them both at the same time, either.”

  She grinned at me. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking.

  “I’ve never been asked those two things at the same time.”

  I looked up hopefully.

  “Joan Howell, you are one of a kind. Not the most romantic woman I’ve ever met, but definitely one of the most intriguing.”

  “Will you?”

  “Which?”

  “Handle my finances?”

  “Yes.”

  “Go to bed with me?”

  She didn’t answer right away, but I saw a grin start to form as her head started to shake from side to side. My heart sank.

  “Yes,” she said softly.

  I was amazed. “Really?”

  She nodded. “Yes,” she whispered. “Really.”

  I felt ecstatic! “Your bed or mine?” I asked.

  “Well, we’re already here, and it would be a shame to waste all the time driving to your place…”

  I set the glass of brandy on the floor as my arms flew around her and I drew her to me. I held her tightly as I started to kiss her with all my might.

  “You don’t have to rush this,” she whispered as she pushed back. “I have nothing to do tomorrow.”

  “Thank you. I have nothing else planned until next year.”