Lost Days (Four Days Book 4)

by A. S. Kelly

  “Honey, aren’t you coming with us?” Mother asks him.

  “I’ll be there shortly,” Patrick tells her. “Liam and Rain are going to go with you and Jay and Alex will be home from the pub shortly. There’s something I absolutely have to take care of.”

  For a second I’m afraid that Patrick wants to question Aaron about why he was at our house with me, and that he is going to hurt him but his dark, confident eyes tell me I have nothing to worry about because Patrick might be an ass, but he wouldn’t abandon a friend in his moment of need.

  •••

  We enter the house I left days ago and memories of my last moments with him come back to haunt me, and the fear and sense of shame that I’m feeling tonight are throwing me into an immense, unconsolable pain. I curl up on the floor as soon as I get through the door. My breath gets stuck in my throat and I feel the panic building in my body.

  I shake on the floor, feeling woozy as Liam and Rain try to help stand me up, but my legs are not able to bear the weight of the boulders I have for legs right now.

  So Liam lifts me up against him, whispering sweet and reassuring things that I can catch only the tone but not the content of. He brings me all the way upstairs to my brother and Erin’s room and lays me down on the bed.

  My mother and Erin sit next to me but I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to think. I don’t want to remember.

  All I want to do now is sink into the oblivion and sleep until I’ve erased every single moment of this evening, but I realize that’s not possible. I know that quite the contrary, when I wake up it’s going to seem even worse.

  I was stupid and ingenuous. I trusted Mark and his kindness. I thought he was a good guy, a friend; I realized he had a little crush on me and I didn’t think he’d misinterpret my interest in him, so he imagined it to be something bigger than it was. I allowed him to buzz around me, I touched his hand, I whispered in his ear. I brought him to the pub. I let him get close to me, to my family and my life. I led him on, he’s right.

  I’m just a girl who is unable to recognize good from bad, who trusts people—a dreamer that views the world through rose colored spectacles.

  In fact the world is all wrong, it’s all disgusting. People can hurt you. Dreams are just stupid illusions that blind you from seeing things as they are, leading you to make mistakes that cannot be fixed, that drag you further from reality and leave you weaker than you once were.

  I was an optimist, an incurable romantic and a dreamer.

  And now all I want to do is stop dreaming.

  —

  AARON

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Let’s go home, come on.”

  “Where is she?”

  “Liam brought her to our house.”

  I look at him in surprise.

  “She didn’t want to go home after what happened. My mum is there too.”

  I nod as we get into the car.

  “You paid my bail, didn’t you? And called the lawyer.”

  He turns on the car’s engine and does not look at me.

  “It was the least I could do for a friend,” He stresses the final word.

  “Patrick—”

  “For the friend who saved my sister,” he says, barely holding back his emotions.

  I put my head in my hands and let out a deep sigh. “How is she?”

  “They told me she had a panic attack. She’s sleeping now. Rain gave her some sedatives.”

  “They won’t leave her alone, will they?”

  He breaks out in a laugh that eases the tension. “Why, do you know anyone whose had any luck staying alone in this house?”

  I smile too.

  We spend the rest of the ride in silence. At this time of night there is no traffic and we make it home in twenty minutes.

  We get out of the car and make it to the door before Patrick blocks me. He lights a cigarette and exhales nervously. I was sure he had given up smoking after Lily was born. I do the same, waiting for him to say what he’s got on his mind, because I know he’s about to pull out everything he’s got.

  “You and her—”

  “I don’t know,” I tell him honestly.

  “You remember the promise, don’t you?”

  “This isn’t the time to talk about that.”

  “I think it is. Right now. You were at her house and I will try to resist asking you the reason why because I don’t know if I could stop myself hitting you. But you were there, and you defended her and you went after that piece of shit as if he had touched the most important thing in your life. Not even I would have beaten him that badly, my friend. I’ve said everything I have to. You almost killed a man and I’m not here to tell you how badly you over-reacted, or that you were wrong to do what you did. That bastard wanted to get his hands on my sister. But, behavior like that, Aaron, a reaction like yours, only stems from one simple truth so I’m asking you now to play it straight with me, your best friend, your brother. And I promise you that I’ll try to be understanding and not strangle you.”

  “I’ve fallen in love with her.”

  I say it out loud.

  I say it to Patrick and to myself.

  I need to tell everyone, tell the whole world.

  And to tell her.

  “I don’t know how it happened and when, but it happened. I tried to repress what I felt and told her that I wasn’t right for her, tried to push her away from me.”

  “But Ciara wouldn’t let you,” he concludes with a smile. “She’s hard-headed and doesn’t give up.”

  “And I let myself by taken in. I simply got lost in her, in her eyes and in her light, her heart… and now I don’t want to go back. I don’t have any intention, therefore, if you’re here to tell me that I have to renounce her, to stay away from her… Know that you’re only wasting your time and that you won’t convince me even with your threats.”

  Patrick nods and stamps on his cigarette butt. “You know that she’s been in love with you forever?”

  I look at him, frowning.

  “Oh, don’t look at me like that, I notice everything. If I made you make that stupid promise, it was so that none of you tried it on with any of my sisters. I didn’t mean that you couldn’t fall in love with one of them. And after what you did tonight, I don’t think she could be in better hands.”

  “I’m in trouble, Patrick.”

  “And I’ll do whatever it takes to get you out of it,” he says, staring at me. “And now go to her. She was worried about you.”

  We walk through the door and Rain is around my neck a second later.

  “I’m fine, Rain,” I tell her.

  She hugs me tightly.

  “I’m sorry for the trouble I caused,” I go on. “I beg you to forgive me.”

  “Don’t talk that way! Ciara needed you.”

  “Aaron?” Patrick’s mother comes to me as Rain steps aside to make way for her.

  She embraces me. “I will never be able to thank you enough for what you did tonight. You saved my daughter.”

  “Sarah, please, don’t—”

  “Now go to her, she needs you.”

  I nod and with a heart that is in the third stage of fibrillation, I climb the stairs leading to the attic. I open the door and am able to make out her figure on the bed.

  I approach in silence, for I don’t want to scare her. I sit in the armchair next to her and take this moment to observe her sleeping in this bed in our house. I see her sigh in her sleep and my heart reacts, reminding me of its presence, and the fact that it’s still beating.

  Beating only for her.

  And I think that her being here sleeping will repay me for every wrong I have been dealt, every wrong move, every punishment and all of the pain. It pays for all of it. Because the love I feel for this woman is unbreakable and nothing can end it.

  I am back: to love, to hope, to life.

  To dream.

  She is my dream and no one will take that away from me.

&nb
sp; 27

  CIARA

  I turn in the bed repeatedly. I feel something biting at my throat and I have the sensation that someone is trying to strangle me.

  I fly awake with my hands on my neck, almost gasping for air when I can feel someone next to me and I almost shriek in fear.

  “It’s me Ciara. You’re safe,” he whispers. And after hearing that warm, familiar voice, I relax a bit and try to focus on his face.

  His hair is a mess, he has bloodshot eyes and the beginnings of some black circles around them are forming. His face is pale and drawn.

  “You’re here,” he says.

  “Where else could I go?” I force a smile. “What happened to you?”

  “Nothing, nothing you need to worry about. I’ve fixed everything, relax, everything is going to be fine.”

  He comes to me and tries to take my hand, but I pull back and put it up to my chest.

  His jaw sets at my refusal even if he’s trying to stay calm.

  He is suffering: my detachment has hurt him, I know, but I can’t help it. My eyes drop to his bruised hands and everything that happened a few hours ago comes rushing back to me. I cover my eyes with my hands as if it is enough to prevent those images from returning.

  “Ciara,” Aaron whispers. “What… Tell me what I can do for you. Anything.”

  I shake my head without having the energy necessary to look at him and speak.

  “Do you want me to call your mother? Do you want me to leave you alone?”

  At this last question, I free my face and force myself to look at him and in his lost eyes I see the fear he has of losing me.

  “No… please don’t. Stay.”

  “Alright.”

  “I don’t want to be alone.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Could you just not get too close?” I ask him, biting my lip. “Why don’t you stay there on the armchair?”

  Aaron isn’t able to avoid closing his eyes tightly. I see him swallow the words and nod. He moves away from me and goes back to resting on the chair. I lay down and turn my back, even if I’m sure now that I won’t sleep.

  I try to relax and to breathe slowly to calm myself because I know I’m in a safe place because he is here.

  After at least a half an hour of absolute silence, listening to only his heavy breathing, I hear him begin to cry. Little bits of whimpering which have a devastating effect on me.

  I turn to him slowly and see him with his head in his hands trying to sob in silence. It’s terribly moving and touches my soul.

  I raise myself up a bit and he freezes in place, perceiving my movements. He does not lift his head, but remains silent, looking at the floor.

  So, I push myself to the edge of the bed and put my feet on the carpet. I step towards him and touch him lightly with my hand. Aaron’s head snaps up and what I see in his eyes is everything I’ve ever hoped and wished to see.

  His love.

  His love for me.

  “I thought I lost you. I thought…” he breaks out crying, unable to hold back his emotions. “I could not have tolerated something happening to you. I can take anything, Ciara, but not that.”

  “I’m here, Aaron.”

  “I am not strong, or confident, I’m not… anything. I didn’t know what I was doing, not until you showed me what I was missing out on. Now I know with certainty that I cannot live without it. I can’t live without you, Ciara.”

  My lip starts shaking and the tears won’t stop cascading down his face.

  “This is my fault,” he says. “I’ll never be able to forgive myself for it.”

  “Your fault?”

  “If I hadn’t acted like an idiot you would not have been alone.”

  “But you came back.”

  “I shouldn’t have left you there in the first place.”

  I shake my head and take a step backwards.

  “Forgive me, Ciara.”

  “You don’t have to ask for forgiveness, Aaron. It wasn’t your fault, it was mine.”

  “Yours? How could it possibly be your fault?”

  “I… I provoked him. I instigated it. Maybe I made him think he had a chance with me, maybe—”

  “What?” he says sharply, jumping to his feet. “Who the hell gave you that idea? Did he tell you that?”

  “He was right. I invited him into the pub, I was nice to him, I made him think—”

  “Don’t let yourself believe that nonsense, Ciara. Can you hear me? He’s trying to manipulate your feelings. He’s a fucking maniac!”

  I shake my head and sit on the bed again, hugging my knees to my chest.

  “I’m foolish. I’m just a silly daydreamer who never thinks people are out to hurt me. Good Lord, I even believe in fairy tales!”

  “I hate hearing you talk that way. That’s not who you are. That’s not what you’re like.”

  “No, Aaron. It’s time to put aside these childish ways and for me to start accepting the world as it really is, even if it’s totally different from how I had imagined it, and it’s very painful.”

  “Ciara…”

  “You were right.”

  “No! I was wrong!”

  I won’t go back to my old ways of fancy outcomes and happy endings because reality is something very different and it’s about time I figured that out. I need to grow up and start thinking that it’s time to put away my colored pencils and to accept the sober shades of gray that adult people adapt to.

  “I don’t believe in anything right now, Aaron. Not even love.”

  And as I say that I see his soul begging for help and I feel his heart turn to powder in my cold hands.

  —

  AARON

  I cannot believe what she has just said and cannot accept that this bastard has done this to her, making her think this way.

  “You’re still in shock, it’s okay for you to feel mixed up, but this isn’t you talking.”

  “I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel. I’ve finally opened my eyes and I now understand that I’ve been wrong all along going around with my head in the clouds, dreaming about things that could never be, because there’s a lot more to life than dreams, Aaron,” she concludes bitterly before distancing herself from me again and leaving me alone in the cold darkness.

  She lays down on the bed again and turns away from me, pulling up the sheets.

  I’d like to lay down next to her, to comfort her, but I’m afraid my closeness would only make things worse.

  So I leave her in peace, repressing my need to hold her in my arms. I sit in the chair and limit myself to simply watching her all night, until the first rays of sunlight filter through the windows and Rain, God love her, discreetly comes in to check up on me.

  She convinces me to go downstairs where I find the guys all awake, tired and looking frazzled. There’s hot coffee and I accept one happily and sit with them around the kitchen table.

  Patrick is the first one to break the silence:

  “The lawyer will be here in about an hour. I know you’re tired, we all are, but we’d better be prepared for it.”

  “Any news about him?” I ask without lifting my eyes.

  “That bastard is fine.”

  I nod and sigh in relief.

  “They’re going to interrogate him and he’s probably going to spin a tale fit for primetime so we need to prepare for the worst.”

  “It’s very likely that I’ll be put behind bars, do you realize that?”

  Rain breaks out crying.

  “If that were true,” she says.

  “Come on, let’s not think that way right now, friend,” Liam says reassuringly.

  “As Patrick said, we need to be ready.”

  “We’re here, Aaron. We are all here for you,” Jay says and the moment I see my family huddled around me I know that’s the way it is.

  I’m not alone.

  I never have been.

  I drop my head to the table, freeing myself of years of repressed emotions t
hat made me close myself off from the world, from them too, and which brought me to be what I am now: cynical and rational and who thought the only way to keep going was to cut all sentiment out of my life.

  A man who had given up hope, hope in believing and dreaming.

  A man who was lost in the dark and whose soul was brought back to the light by a woman.

  A woman who loves.

  So, I decide it’s time to tell my family how I feel and what I’m afraid of.

  I tell them about all of my lies, my insecurities and my fears. About my panic attacks and the anxiety, whose constant assaults have weakened me on a daily basis. The weight of the responsibility that I carry that has crushed me over the years.

  I tell them about my worries about the future, my decision to dedicate myself to just their welfare at the expense of my own. And about my mania for maintaining control and my sense of protection.

  About my terror of losing them.

  About my fear of loving.

  And I tell them about her, how she brought me back to life with her light-hearted moods and her caresses. About how she helped me and how she took care of me. About how I now feel the need to protect her and keep her by my side where nothing bad will ever happen to her.

  And I tell them about my fears of not being up to the tasks I’ve set myself.

  Rain caresses me in love before throwing herself into my arms.

  “You mean everything to me. You always have. You’ve been a brother, a friend, mother and father and you’ve done it all on your own. You helped me grow up and you gave up a life of your own for me and if I have all of this,” she says, gesturing around the room with an open hand, “it’s thanks to you.”

  Liam joins us, hugging both of us in his arms. “If you hadn’t accepted me into this house and permitted me to come back, if you hadn’t given me another chance, I wouldn’t be here with you all now and I wouldn’t be with her. If it weren’t for your trust in me, your loyalty, your friendship, I wouldn’t have anything. I wouldn’t even have a life.”

  Jay stands up and piles on with the truth. “Friend, you are the one who got me out of trouble, who gave me a house when I didn’t know where to go and supported me when I didn’t have any hope left and you saved me when I was at the point of collapse. You are my rock and when I didn’t know where to hit my head you were there to make sure it wasn’t against a wall.”