Losing Her (The Lexington Series Book 1)

by Belle Winters

  What the fuck just happened? As I trailed up to my room I thought about our conversation and then it dawned on me. I could fight for Max, because I loved him. Who else have I ever loved? I can’t love myself if I don’t even have the backbone to stand up for me. Mel was right, I could do it. I didn’t need to be a pussy. I think deep down I never did because no one else ever showed me I was worth it. But now I realize I am to me. And to Max, I can’t let something happen to me – let him lose me. I was worth it, the fight was worth it. With that, I fell asleep with thoughts of Landon pushed out of my mind.

  Nick sits with us at lunch again, and I enjoy every second. He’s hilarious and has such an animated personality. We had no unwanted guests that day. They steered clear, but the glares spoke volumes. The threat hung in the air and I sent back my own chilling smile. They were shocked by my reaction and my confidence boosted. For the first time ever, score one for Carmichael.

  When I got home that day I was on cloud nine. There were barely any issues at school. I kept my head up and my face stubborn and unmoving and I saw the hesitation in their eyes. A few still threw it out there, but were not prepared for my comebacks. Others shrunk away, huh. What do you know, Mel was right… pussies. I went straight to my room and jumped in the shower. After I felt cleansed I threw on some sweats and a t-shirt and headed downstairs. I didn’t bother with straightening my hair. Invisibility be damned.

  I headed to the living room to wait for Max. To my surprise my mom was there sipping a glass of wine. She’s been MIA since we moved here and she has just been doing… I don’t know shopping? Either way she hasn’t been around, especially at this hour of the day. This is our time without parental supervision. I head into the living room and announce my presence.

  “Mom.” Yeah that’s as much as she’s getting in way of greeting.

  I plopped down in a seat and looked over. She had just polished off her glass of wine and was refilling. I heard the front door open and a smile spread across my face. Max.

  “What the hell are you so happy about Lucy?” my mom sputtered at the expression on my face.

  I was taken about. What the fuck was her deal. I looked around and saw that she just finished the contents of the bottle of wine into her glass. Fucking great! This is not happening, not in front of him. I got out of my seat to try to greet him before he comes to the living room and take him somewhere else. I glanced to my mom and saw her looking at the entryway. Fuck I’m too late. I look to where her attention was directed and was shocked to see Landon and Nick instead.

  “I knew it. I fucking knew it.” my mother snarled then took a sip from her cup. “You’re cooking for them, and having nice little meals. What do you guys do? Put the kid to bed and have orgies or threesomes or something? Is that why you hair is like that? God I tried with you. I really did. But it was all for nothing. I told you to get rid of those fucking curls and those god forsaken chest and ass. Even told you to go on diets so you can be normal. But no, you want to be seen.” She shakes her head and tsk’s at me. “Lucy, are you trying to take my place?”

  At some point in her rant I stumbled back onto the sofa. What is she talking about? I’m trying to understand where all this hate has come from. She’s not normally nice, but shit. She sounds like Landon.

  “I don’t understand… I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Of course you do! I told you that those curls and that body will only attract trouble. They don’t want you, oh no. It’s not like you’re pretty. You look so much like your fucking father it makes me sick most of the time. I have to drink to cope. I get you a new family. And what do you do? Spit in my face. You bribe the boy so he likes you more than me. Then you sleep with them…” she waves her arm in the general area where Nick and Landon are standing “to do what? You’re not their mom or anything Lucy. They don’t want you. God I can’t explain this enough. Are you too dense to get it? No one will ever want you!”

  “I don’t fucking like you. Just so you know. I know your type. You’re not the first piece of ass to traipse her way here. The only difference is those other bitches at least fucking tried. You came in, got the money in hand and feel like you’ve won. You haven’t.” Landon states matter of factly. He shoots a serious expression at Nick as he states, “No one has slept with her. We just don’t fucking like you. My brother knows people and he can read the gold digger and bitch on you and he knows you’re not here to stay. Enjoy it while you have it. I wouldn’t even want a mother who talks like that to their own child. If I were you I’d fucking apologize because she’s the only fucking thing keeping you here.”

  My mother hopped up at that. “What do you mean she’s keeping me here? Should I remind you I BOUGHT HER HERE! Don’t turn your nose down on me boy. You don’t know what it’s like to be a single mother. Don’t. You. Dare.” My mother’s nostrils flared.

  With a shrug of his shoulders Landon only said, “sure lady.” He walked into the room, grabbed me by my hand and tugged me up. He gave my mom a salute and walked me out. He nodded to Nick who was watching with curiosity. Landon led me past the kitchen and up the stairs to my room. He opened the door, walked me in and led me to my bed. He pushed me to sit on the bed and then bent in front of me, but didn’t touch me.

  “Your mom is a bitch, and I knew that. I just didn’t realize the extent…” he kept looking at me and all I did was look back. He shook his head and then said, “forget her. She’s not seeing shit the way they need to be seen. Lay down.” With that he stood up to his full height, turned down the covers. He grabbed me again, this time scooping me up like a baby tucking his arm under my leg and behind my back to pick me up and placed me on my pillow. He went back and grabbed the blanket and tucked me in starting from the bottom up. When he was done, his face lingered over mine for a beat. I felt his breath fanning my face. “I had no idea, it all makes sense.” Then he picked himself up and left. I looked up and saw Nick standing in the doorway, with a huge grin on his face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile so hard. The door closed behind Landon’s exit. And I snuggled into the bed and sleep overcame me.

  I walked to the park as fast as I could. I wanted to run, but I was afraid of hurting myself. I couldn’t wait to get away from my mother. She’s always screaming at me, and I don’t know why I always do stuff wrong. She’s very mad at me today. Her new boyfriend was at the house and he told me that he thought I was pretty, and liked my hair, it was different. I left it out curly today because I bumped my head yesterday and it would’ve hurt to straighten it. She gets mad at me every time I leave it like this. She pulled me into my room and told me, “so you’re trying to seduce my new boyfriend too huh?” of course I know what she meant but I really didn’t mean to. She has always told me I use my eyes, and hair and body to lure guys in. Even hers. That it’s a bad thing to do. I needed to straighten my hair and put it up, cover up my body, not to draw attention to my eyes since they’re an unusual shape, all so that I blend in. That the people I tempt will get hurt, and I will end up with the same punishment as my father, death. I was given these features as one of my father’s punishments for being a selfish bastard. Her punishment is me, and I take everything from her. Looking at me every day and seeing my father. Some days I think that she wants me to change the way I look so that I don’t remind her of him.

  The park is my escape. I love the swings; I can stay on them all day. I like feeling like I’m flying. I also like to play with the other kids, I have friends. There’s Nina she always gets so messy, and Hector I think he still eats bugs, and Landon is my favorite. He’s always so nice to me and he’s really pretty. He makes me happy when we play together because we like all of the same things. I’m happy whenever I see him outside, and he’s really good at pushing me on the swing. There’s always other kids there too that we play with. There are always different kids at the park but sometimes the same. But those are my closest friends.

  I finally made it to the park, and headed for the swings. I saw Landon and Nina pla
ying, but today I’ll stick to the swings. I sat down on my favorite swing and started to fly. Landon came over to where I was and asked if he could push me, and that made me happy. I like it when he pushes me. I was flying when he asked to touch my curls. I was so scared, I wanted him to but I couldn’t let him. No I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him, I still wanted him to be my friend so I told him no because they were bad. He looked sad and I felt sad too, that’s why we were friends. He told me it would be okay because I was an angel. I knew I wasn’t an angel, my mom told me that I was bad and he thought I was an angel because of my curls. I wanted to cry, because I really wanted to be an angel and fly like one without the swings. I didn’t want to play anymore, I whispered “I’m no angel” and went back home. I didn’t want the curls anymore.

  I woke up in a cold sweat. What the heck was that? Why was I dreaming about this now? Me and Landon had been friends until the 5th grade. We played with each other for years, but that summer before something changed. He just dropped me; I guess he got tired of me. But why would my brain come up with this now? I know that the things about my mom were true but I don’t remember this specific incident. It just felt so damn real, I felt the sadness and everything. God I need a life, now I’m thinking of Landon as a child and the bullshit my mother spouts to me. Thinking back, I really did believe the shit she told me when I was younger. I mean, I was a kid and she was my mom. It’s like kids are ingrained to trust and believe in what their parents tell them. She would say I’m evil because I look like my dad? That my natural features are only for seduction, and that only leads to bad shit. And over the years I guess I became so accustomed to it I never questioned it. She drilled that shit into my head so that’s how I continued to live my life. I sat up in the bed. Wow, what a revelation to have NOW. I checked the time and saw it was just after two in the morning. So I lay back down, and had a dreamless sleep.

  The game was today. Our parents were flying to London for one of Dean’s business things… who keeps track anymore? Erica flew in for the holidays at some point last night. Thanksgiving is next week, and she’ll be here until the New Year. I’m nervous about meeting her. I wonder if she’s going to accept me or shun me. I have no choice but to wait to find out. We leave school at 2:45 but the game isn’t until 6. Max will be spending the weekend with a few of his friends from school at a sleepover, which means a house full of teens. At that point, can you guess what happened next? Sure you can, Landon decided to throw a huge party. This can absolutely get more complicated. Mel’s parents will be out of town for the weekend also, and received consent from my mother for her to stay with me. I highly doubt her parents know the actual situation here, they would have never approved. To say today is a shit storm waiting to happen is an understatement. Bring on the fucking drama.

  The football team opted for the gym today at lunch, which suited me just fine. Me and Mel ate lunch together, as per usual. Today they had chicken breast and chicken fingers. The chicken fingers aren’t as bad as the chicken breasts, as Nick has so eloquently described as gross (hell if he’s lying), but they could be better.

  “So we’re definitely going tonight huh? And then we’re having a sleepover?” Mel seemed more excited than I’ve seen her in a while. I gave her a reassuring smile.

  “That seems to be the plan.”

  “Cool, so we’ll go to yours after school and drop off my stuff and hang there for a while, then go to the game.” She was buzzing with energy, it was becoming infectious.

  “Yep!” I grinned.

  Something clattered on our table causing me to jump. I looked up to find Delilah flanked by Molly and Liz. She threw her hands on her hips before she sneered, “did you not get the fucking message we left? I overheard you are still going to the game huh? Stay the fuck away from Nick. He doesn’t want you, whore. Don’t think you’re too good to get your ass beat now. This isn’t the time to try to grow some fucking balls. Sick back and know your place.”

  I was done. That was it. I have had enough of being a doormat. I had a million retorts sitting at the tip of my tongue. I was about to respond when I heard Mel from in front of me, “What the fuck is your problem bitch?” whoa, she’s pissed. But not as much as me, and as much as I appreciate it, this is my fight and time I say something for myself.

  I swung my gaze back to Delilah and her pack of wolves and sneered back. “Bring it bitch.” Her head snapped back like she’d been slapped. I just had to drill the nail in the coffin, “yea, I have claws too. It’s one thing to talk shit, but now you’re talking fighting words. I don’t take kindly to threats.” The bell rang and I gathered my stuff together and stood. Delilah inched closer and I can practically feel her anger, but I didn’t care. This is years of pent up aggression and frustration. Years of holding back how I really feel. Of living in my fear. All this time I thought I was scared of them, that there was something wrong with me. When the whole time it was my mother. I tried to deny it, but as I stood here standing up for myself I realized there was no fear. Only hatred. Deep fucking hatred, and most of it was aimed at my mother. I spent all this time blaming Landon for insecurities that were hammered in my head by my fucking mother! I just redirected the fault, because he picked on me too. He was easier to blame. Unlike when my mom did it, when the other kids did it, it hurt. So I blamed them for everything. But I’m realizing she hurt me the most. I just refused to acknowledge it because at some point in time, I believed her. I couldn’t fight her, so I didn’t fight anyone. I was simmering now. I looked Delilah square in her eyes, “I hope you’ve had your fill of fun the past few years. Because this,” I moved my finger to point to me then her then back again, “is fucking done.” I lifted my bag on my shoulder and turned on my heel and discarded my tray and left the café. Mel was next to me.

  When we reached my locker Mel dropped back against the one next to mine and she had the biggest Cheshire grin on her face. “I can’t fucking believe it Luce. I. Cannot. Fucking. Believe this! That was fucking epic. I’m sure her jaw is still on the floor. I wish I recorded that. I couldn’t wait for this day Luce, do you hear me? Today is going to be the best fucking day of my life. It doesn’t matter what happens at the game or anything. That was worth the fucking wait and enough to make any day the best ever.” I smiled wide at her enthusiasm… that was fucking epic.

  After school we headed over to my home, and I use the world loosely. We walked into the house and I started to make my way to the kitchen to get me a caprisun. I love those things. I turned and realized that Mel wasn’t following me. She was still standing in the foyer with her mouth wide open and eyes wide taking in her surroundings. I walked up to her and put a finger under her chin to snap her mouth shut. Her eyes met mine and then squealed, “what the fuck Luce. Is your mom marrying Donald Trump?”

  I sighed, no better time than the present right? “No not Donald Trump. She’s marrying Dean… Dean Miles.” She nodded and she continued looking around, and I waited a beat for her to get what I was implying.

  “Wait a minute, you said Miles. That’s Landon’s name…” I raised my eyebrows at her and threw my hands on my hips. Her eyes became saucers, if it wasn’t for what I was telling her I would think it was comical. “Holy shit Luce, your mom is marrying Landon’s dad… and you both live here?” I nodded. “Oh my God. How didn’t I know this? Why didn’t you tell me? Shit Luce. That’s why you haven’t had me over?”

  I sighed, I knew this was coming. “Come on Mel, I’ll explain everything to you. And for the record I wanted to tell you, I just also didn’t want anyone to know we were living together knowing our history. It’s not you – it’s you know… anyone.”

  A voice piped up from behind us, “I want to know too.”

  I spun around. That female voice was unfamiliar, but somehow I knew who it belonged to… Erica. She looked like a model; she was average height and had blue eyes like Max. She had a genuine smile on her face that highlighted her dimples. Her face was framed with long wavy dirty blonde hair. I
n other words she was beautiful. She extended her hand to me, “you have to be Lucy. I’m Erica. Max talks about you all the time, he adores you.”

  Well she knew the way to my heart huh. Max adores me that felt great and I immediately warmed to her. I can tell that she doesn’t hate me much like her brother, but I think I have Max to thank for that. She wanted to know all the dirty details, what the hell? She’s going to be here a few weeks so she’ll see it sooner or later. I took her hand, “That’s me.” I waved my other hand in Mel’s direction, “this is my best friend Mel and she’s staying here this weekend. I’m about to spill the beans, so be my guest and join. I think we might need to hit the kitchen though and indulge in some ice cream for this.”

  Me, Mel, and Erica sat at the breakfast bar chatting. I caught them up on the days following us moving in. At Erica’s confusion, I had to backtrack to the beginning highlighting me and Landon’s finer moments and the shit I’ve endured from his minions. I was so busy going, I even confessed the stuff with my mom, and what I’ve come to realize in the past few days. Mel was shocked on these things. I’ve never gone into great details on the things that came out my mother’s mouth, needless to say it provided her with the same amount of clarity as it did for me. Erica was not happy, but she couldn’t mask the curious look in her eyes. When I was done Erica seems to have made her mind up about something.