More Than I Can Bear

by E. N. Joy

  Paige sat there for a moment trying to recall how her night had ended with Norman before she lost consciousness into a sleep. “Ahh.” She recalled having finally confessed her plans of an abortion, then burying her shameful face in Norman’s chest, where she cried shameful tears. That’s how she must have fallen asleep. Of course Norman being the caring friend to her he was must have gotten her a cover and let her sleep. Too bad she couldn’t sleep off shame like one could a hangover. Paige stood and stretched. She followed the moonlight into her kitchen, where she turned on the light and went to the cabinet to get a glass. She went to the freezer and got ice, then filled her glass with tap water.

  Paige wasn’t a bottled water type of chick. Tap water hadn’t been too good for the generations before her, so it wasn’t too good for her either. She placed the glass to her lips as she turned away from the sink. “Holy . . .” Her glass went crashing down onto the floor, shattering into pieces, with water splashing.

  “And you’ve been saved how long?” Norman scolded her the same way Paige had scolded him earlier in the evening for almost slipping up and cussing.

  “Yeah, but you scared the . . . You scared me, man,” Paige said, rolling her eyes. “You don’t know how to announce yourself when you enter a room, a quiet room, in the middle of the night?” She made her way over to the utility closet to retrieve the broom, dustpan, and some rags.

  “Here, I got it.” Norman took the items from Paige’s hand. “Sorry. I’m a bachelor. I’m used to just getting up in the middle of the night and entering a room without announcing myself. At least I’m not in my boxers. Or even worse.” He winked at Paige.

  “Ugh,” she said at just imagining Norman in the buff. She shook her head and went to fix herself another glass of ice water. “You want a glass?”

  “Sure.” Norman accepted her offer as he cleaned up the mess. By the time he was finished cleaning, Paige was finished preparing their drinks and had sat down at the kitchen table.

  Norman joined her after putting the cleaning supplies back into the closet and then washing his hands. “So, how do you feel?” Norman took a sip of his water as he awaited Paige’s response.

  “Honestly?”

  “Since when have I known you to bite your tongue and not be honest?”

  “I feel like killing myself.” Paige took a sip of her water as if she’d simply told Norman her favorite color was blue and not that she had thoughts of suicide.

  “What?” Norman gave Paige the “come again” look.

  “In the short amount of time it took me to get from that couch”—she pointed—“to this kitchen, I truly thought about coming in here to get a knife to cut my wrist instead of a drink to quench my thirst.” Paige took in the look of horror on Norman’s face and let it die down before she continued. “What can I say? That’s just how quickly the devil can work on someone’s mind.” She took a drink of water.

  Cupping his hands around his glass, Norman thought for a second and then spoke. “Paige, honey, if you feel like that now, imagine how you are going to feel after, you know . . .”

  “After I kill my baby?” There was a sharpness to Paige’s tone.

  “I didn’t say that, Paige. Don’t put words in my mouth.”

  “I’m not putting words in your mouth. I’m taking the words out of your eyes. I see it in your eyes, Norman. Just say it. You think I’m a killer.”

  “I don’t think you are a killer. I don’t agree with what you are doing, but heck, over the years I’m sure there are a lot of things you’ve done that I haven’t agreed with. I’m sure there are a lot of things I’ve done that you haven’t agreed with.” Norman exhaled. “Heck, I know for a fact there are because you don’t hesitate to let me know. Still, just because I don’t agree with some of your choices doesn’t mean I’m not going to be there for you. Like I said, Paige, I’m your friend. Friends don’t abandon friends in their time of need. I was called to be your friend, not your judge. What don’t you get about that?”

  Paige could tell from Norman’s tone that he was almost offended that she perhaps doubted his friendship to her. “I’m sorry, Norman.” She shook her head as if her scrambled thoughts might happen to fall into order with a shake or two of the head. “I don’t mean to question your friendship. But right now I’m questioning life. Not just the life of this baby, but my own life.” Paige pounded her flat hand against her chest. “For a split second”—she snapped her finger—“I thought about taking my own life. That’s serious.” Her eyes watered.

  “This is all serious. I get that,” Norman assured her.

  “And you know what changed my mind about taking a knife and cutting my wrist? The fact that I’d guarantee myself a ticket to hell for committing suicide. But see, if I just take out this baby, I reasoned with myself, I could repent, receive God’s forgiveness and have some kind of chance at getting into heaven. Is that sick or what?”

  “No, it’s actually valid reasoning. And at the same time, it’s selfish.”

  “Of course it’s selfish, but don’t I have the right to be selfish for once in my life? All the crap I’ve been through? I was in an abusive relationship, my so-called best friend sl—”

  “Slept with my husband,” Norman cut her off and began mocking her. “You were raped. Your mother didn’t give you the attention and love you deserved growing up,” Norman said. “Is that your story? Is that who you are going to be for the rest of your life? Is that what is going to define you? If so, I don’t know, Paige. Maybe I’m not the friend you need in your life.”

  “Well, maybe you’re not!” Paige spat as she stood to her feet. “A friend understands and sympathizes when—”

  “And that’s just what you’re looking for isn’t it? Sympathy. Well, if you don’t mind, I’d like the pleasure of being honest for once. Or ‘keeping it real.’” Norman used quotation marks for his last statement. “Paige, I truly understand all that you have been through in your life and you don’t deserve not one ounce of the pain you’ve endured either physically or mentally. But what I don’t want to see you do is use that pain as an excuse or as an attention seeker.”

  “What, come again?” Paige’s bottom lip began to tremble in anger at Norman’s words.

  “So many people use their pain as a means to get people to feel sorry for them because when someone feels sorry for you it’s a form of attention. I can think of so many other things about you that are attention getters. Positive things. Don’t let the negative things that have happened to you in your life be who you are. That’s not a person I would want to be friends with, Paige. And neither would you if the shoe were on the other foot.”

  “If the shoe were on the other foot I’d . . . I’d . . .” This was the moment of truth for Paige. Either she was going to face her truth or get mad at Norman for telling the truth. “I’d want a friend like you to tell me the truth and not just what I want to hear.” There; she’d relented. “If the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn’t bite my tongue not for one second. But the shoe is not on the other foot. I’m wearing it and everything in me wants to kick it off and go running away barefoot.”

  “You can’t run from this.” Norman walked over to Paige and put an arm around her. “Well, maybe you can run, but you can’t hide.”

  “And I can’t have this baby either, Norman. I just can’t. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I don’t want it.” Paige burst out into tears. “Someone who is meant to be a mother would never say that about her child. And if I’m saying that now, if I’m feeling that much disdain about the baby now, I can only imagine how I’ll feel if I have to look into its eyes and see . . . and see . . .”

  “And see what, Paige? And see who?” Norman prodded.

  “I can’t.” Paige shook her head.

  “You can. Just say it. It’s a time for truth, remember? The whole truth. That’s what’s going to make you free.” Norman grabbed Paige gently by the shoulders to face him. “You don’t want to look into your baby’s eyes and have t
o see who?”

  Paige allowed the flow of her tears to lighten before she spoke. “Me. I don’t want to have to look into my baby’s eyes and see me. Not Blake, but me, my life. I’m so afraid I won’t be able to save my baby from all the hurt and pain that I’m filled with, all the hurt and pain that led up to its conception. I don’t want to see that every time I look at my child. I can truly understand now why Tamarra did what she did.”

  A puzzled look scurried across Norman’s face.

  “Nothing. Never mind,” Paige said, realizing Norman was clueless of her former best friend’s past that Tamarra had shared with Paige.

  Whether Paige was no longer friends with Tamarra or not, it wasn’t her place to reveal to anyone that Tamarra had been raped repeatedly by her blood brother when she was growing up. As a result of the rape she became pregnant and gave birth to a child that her parents ended up raising as their own. Tamarra couldn’t bear to nurture the seed of her pain. So she packed up and moved from Maryland here to Malvonia, Ohio, leaving her past behind . . . and her child. A child whom she never raised as her own a day in her life.

  Paige had never judged Tamarra for that. She was so glad she hadn’t either, because now she found herself in a similar circumstance. Only she wasn’t even going to give her child the opportunity to be born, let alone abandon it. She didn’t even want to weigh the worst of the two evils.

  “Like I said, Paige, change your story. Change who you are. Choose to see something different in yourself, in your child.”

  “Norman, don’t. You don’t have to agree with what I’m doing, but please don’t try to talk me out of it. My luggage is already overweight for this guilt trip and I can’t afford to pay any extra fees.” Paige sharply removed herself from the kitchen, and headed back to the living room where she turned on a lamp.

  Norman followed on Paige’s heels with what appeared to be excitement. “No, no, I’m not trying to talk you out of anything. I’m just trying to get you to understand your true reasons for wanting to abort your child. Maybe if you can confront and deal with your reasons—”

  “I know my reasons. As selfish as they are, I’m well aware of them.” Paige sat down on the couch on top of the blanket that had once covered her. “I’m damaged right now. I never even got a chance to heal from the last wound before I got inflicted with something else. I’m bitter, I’m mad, and it’s poison. It’s not fair to bring a child into this mess. Besides, I’m divorced. I’m pregnant. I ain’t been saved but a few years. That ain’t long enough to restrain myself from kickin’ some church folk butt if anybody says the wrong thing to me about my situation.”

  “I’m sure Sister Unique felt the same way when she got pregnant with the twins knowing she already had three children by three different fathers,” Norman was quick to remind Paige.

  “But . . .” Paige’s words trailed off when she realized that there was no but.

  “If God did it for Unique, if He pulled her through, what in the world makes you think He won’t do it for you?”

  “But . . .” Again, Paige knew there was no but. Norman was speaking the truth right now, and it was actually starting to soften Paige’s heart toward the matter.

  “But God,” Norman said, sitting down next to Paige and taking her hands into his.

  “I know it sounds weak and shallow, but I do care about what people think of me. I hear people say all the time that they don’t care what people think of them, but they are lying. Half the things we do in life we do because of other people. We don’t buy that nice pair of pants not because we don’t like how we look in them, but we are concerned with how other people will think we look in them. ‘Does my butt look big?’” Paige mocked. “As long as you like how your behind looks in it, buy the dang pants! But no, we concern ourselves with what others think we will look like. The things we do, the things we say, even the decisions we make somehow are always influenced by what other people will think.”

  “Then if what people think, about you running around as a divorced woman pregnant, is a big part of the reason why you want an abortion, that and the fact that you don’t want to raise your child alone without a father, then I think I have the perfect solution.” A smile crept across Norman’s lips and Paige braced herself for his bright idea that had already lit up his face.

  Chapter Four

  Paige gripped her stomach as she slid off the couch. She couldn’t control her laughter. Just moments ago she felt as if she may never laugh again, and now here she was feeling as if she may never stop laughing. “Ahhhh, haaaaaaa, ahhhhhh,” Paige roared as tears of laughter fell from her eyes.

  “Come on, what’s so funny?” Norman said, feigning a smile to hide the agitation he was feeling from Paige’s reaction to his suggestion.

  “You. You’re what’s so funny.” Paige continued to laugh. She twisted and rolled from left to right as she laughed uncontrollably. “Oh my goodness, Norman. You are a good friend,” she said as she attempted to get her laughter under control. “Thank you so much for cheering me up. I really needed that laugh.” Her laughter subsided as she looked to Norman, who wore a dead serious look on his face. “Wait,” Paige said as she ceased her laughter all together. “You weren’t . . . you weren’t serious were you?” The stoic look on Norman’s face let her know that he very much had been. “You were. You were serious.” Paige couldn’t help but to holler out laughing again.

  “It wasn’t that farfetched of a suggestion,” Norman said with an attitude, displaying his disdain at Paige’s reaction.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Paige said, trying her best to stop laughing, but little chuckles still made their way out.

  “Just forget it. Never mind. I was simply trying to help is all.”

  Paige stood as she managed to stop laughing completely. “Really, I know you are only trying to help and I appreciate your offer to make an honest woman out of me, but seriously, Norman, I know that was just a desperate effort to keep me from getting an abortion.” She looked at Norman. “Me marry you?” She pointed from herself to Norman and cried out, “Jesus, take the wheel!” And before she knew it, Paige found herself laughing in Norman’s face yet again.

  “Look, do what you want.” Norman stood. “I was only trying to help. I’m out of here. Call me if you need me.”

  “Whoa, whoa, wait.” Paige stepped into Norman’s path, stopping him in his tracks by placing her hand on his chest. She, with a serious face, looked at Norman, whose eyes were cast downward. It was as if he was too embarrassed to even look at his friend. “Norman, you . . . you actually truly are serious aren’t you?”

  He turned his entire face away.

  “Norman.” Paige was so moved she threw her hands around his neck and pulled him in for a hug. “I’m sorry, I honestly didn’t . . . I truly didn’t . . . I . . .” She couldn’t even express the words that described how moved she was that Norman would be practically willing to give up his life to save the life that was growing inside her. To save her reputation as a Christian woman.

  “Like I said, just forget it. It’s all good.” He wobbled his head as if shaking it all off. He removed Paige’s hands from his shoulders and stepped aside and around her, heading for the door.

  “No, Norman, please don’t go,” Paige pitifully called out to him. “Stay. Let’s . . . let’s talk about . . . it.”

  Norman slowly turned to face Paige. He was looking for any sign of laughter. Her appeal to him had almost sounded genuine. He wanted to make sure her expression matched her tone. It did. Without saying a word, Norman went and sat back down on the couch. Paige followed suit, sitting down next to Norman. It would be several seconds before either spoke.

  “I just . . .” both started. “I was just . . .” They did it again. “I . . .” It kept happening. “You go first.” And happening.

  “Ladies first,” Norman finally squeezed in before Paige could speak over him.

  Paige cleared her throat. “I was just thinking that, I don’t know . . . maybe you�
��ve got something here. You know, the whole ‘you and me getting married’ thing.”

  “Just a moment ago you were laughing hysterically. Now you’re actually sitting here telling me with a straight face it might be a good idea after all. What gives?”

  “It’s just that nobody has ever been willing to sacrifice their entire life for me. Nobody outside of Jesus anyway. And you’re serious. You’re one hundred percent serious. I mean, sure we’ve been friends for some years, but I’ve never even met your parents before, nor you mine. As far as they are concerned, we’re just coworkers. They’d think we were crazy.”

  “There you go worried about what other people think again. That’s going to prevent you from making any decisions at all, let alone the right decision.”

  Paige ran her hand down her slicked-back ponytail. “I know, which is why the abortion is so much easier. No one will ever know. Just the three of us: you, me, and God.”

  “Lord knows I’ve fantasized about it before, but that’s not really the threesome I had in mind.”

  Paige play punched Norman in the shoulder. He smiled. She returned the smile. It was official: they were on good terms again.

  “You wanted my advice,” Norman reminded Paige. “You practically wanted me to make your decision for you, hoping it would be the one you’d had in mind. And even though it wasn’t, I’m asking you to trust me enough and believe in me enough to still want my advice . . . and follow it.”

  So many thoughts ran through Paige’s mind she started to get dizzy. “Oh, God, this is too much.” She held her head in her hands. “Way too much.”

  “It’s not.” Norman turned and removed Paige’s hands from her head and nestled them inside of his. “The Word says that God will never give you more than you can bear. Never. So even if you don’t trust me, don’t you trust God and His Word?”