More Than I Can Bear

by E. N. Joy

  “And I realized that then, but can you say the same now?”

  Paige opened her mouth but then paused. She didn’t want to tell her mother a lie, but how sure could she be that the words that came out of her mouth would be the truth? She honestly hadn’t even thought about it. Sure, she’d thought about Ryan. She couldn’t help it. He’d boosted her ego. His spirit and words were like a ray of sunshine after a never-ending storm. She hadn’t analyzed those feelings though, and perhaps just maybe that was her mother’s point. Had she ever just sat down and analyzed herself, let alone the choices and the decisions for herself? But now it wasn’t just about her anymore, which was another point her mother was about to make. She had two children that would be affected by every decision she made.

  “Paige, you have two girls,” Mrs. Robinson said. “Do you want your daughters to be you?” She put her hand up quickly and spoke. “Before you get offended, let me explain. I don’t say that to hurt you or to even slightly suggest that you are not a good person. But as a mother, don’t you want your children to be better than you are? I wasn’t no saint, but I wasn’t an outright heathen either. But, Paige, honey, I made some decisions and choices in my life that I can’t take back or change. Do I regret them? No. Because I believe that it’s okay to make a costly mistake in life as long as you learned a priceless lesson. And I’ve learned indeed.

  “Parents would like to believe that their children don’t understand or notice some of the bad choices we make in life, but unfortunately, it’s our children who often times have to live with the consequences of our bad choices or wrong decisions. I watched my own parents make poor judgment calls. I learned from half of them and repeated the other half myself. And that’s how life is sometimes. We either learn from our and other people’s mistakes, or we imitate them and learn the hard way. As a parent, heck as a person, you are going to make mistakes in life, but if you can consciously make a choice for your children to witness as few of them as possible, wouldn’t you choose that for them?”

  Mrs. Robinson had finished her talk and was now allowing Paige the time to let her words sink in and respond.

  “Mom, I hear you. I hear you and I’m listening,” Paige told her. “And, Mom?”

  “Yes, dear?”

  Paige smiled, got up, and walked over to her mother. “Thank you.” She placed her lips on her mother’s forehead and held them there for a warming kiss. “Thank you for loving me enough to tell me the truth.”

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  “Besides, he’s Catholic. That would never work,” Paige said to herself as she paced her bedroom floor with her cell phone in hand. She’d just finished listening to a message Ryan had left her. The words of his message replayed in her head.

  “Hi, Paige. This is Ryan. I was just following up to make sure you received your delivery of the photos and that they were to your satisfaction. I um, was also wondering, if uh, you might want to have dinner with me or something. I know I’d like it. I’d like it a lot. Give me a call back. You have my number. Take care.”

  “It’s just dinner. Doesn’t mean I’m trying to fill a void,” Paige reasoned with herself. “Heck, it just means I’m hungry.” She pictured Ryan’s beautiful self. “Starved!”

  Next Paige recalled the conversation she’d had with her mother. It convicted her spirit, which meant there was a part of Paige that didn’t want to be alone with Paige—even at the dinner table. Just like Sheree Graham said in her book; maybe she first needed to figure out what she was bringing to the table.

  “But I’m okay. I’m a good person. I can be with myself. Heck, I sleep with myself every night.” Paige was bound and determined to convince herself that calling Ryan wouldn’t be a selfish act. Perhaps all he wanted was someone to break bread with. Nothing more and nothing less. So on that note, Paige went over to her corner desk where her home computer sat and fumbled around. “Where did I put that business card?”

  With every intent of accepting Ryan’s dinner invitation, try as she might, Paige could not find that business card. She and Ryan had e-mailed each other a couple times after he’d sent her the proofs in order for her to pick out the pictures she wanted in her package. She could easily log on to her computer and e-mail him her answer, but the same way she wouldn’t want to be asked out via e-mail or text, she wouldn’t reply either way.

  “Dang it! Where is that card?” Paige sat for a moment trying to recall the last time she’d had it. Coming up blank, she figured it was a sign from God. It was His way of keeping her from doing the wrong thing. Well, she wouldn’t necessarily call it the wrong thing. Then again, she couldn’t call it the right thing either. But none of that really mattered because since she couldn’t find his number, she wouldn’t be doing anything . . . she wouldn’t be calling Ryan at all.

  She sighed and then stood. “All right, I hear you, Lord. Maybe I need to chase after you the way I was chasing after that phone number.” Paige had to laugh at herself on that one. As a matter of fact, that’s exactly what I’ll do, Paige said to herself before exiting her bedroom.

  She went into Adele’s room and peeked in on the sleeping princess. She smiled, then closed the door, leaving it slightly cracked. She then went and checked on Norma. She walked over to the crib and waited until she saw Norma’s little chest rise. There was something about a mother needing the reassurance of proof that her small infant was breathing, especially after that scare she’d had with Adele when she was a baby.

  After checking on the girls, Paige went and retrieved her Bible from her Bible bag she kept in the laundry room. She kept it there because the laundry room led to the garage. On the Sundays when she headed out to church, or the occasional Wednesday Bible Study she could make it to, it would be right there in sight. She hated the times she’d get so sidetracked with getting the girls together that she’d leave her Word.

  With Bible in hand, she headed to her room. Wearing a pair of sweats and a T-shirt, she lay back on her bed. She’d change into her pajamas after reading the Word. She opened the Bible to a random page and began to read. She’d read about three verses before realizing she hadn’t absorbed a single word she’d read.

  “I got it!” Paige said, setting the Bible down next to her and then going to get her cell phone. She immediately went to her call log and searched for all incoming calls that she’d missed. “Now let’s see,” she said as she scrolled down the numbers. There were two numbers in her log that weren’t assigned to someone’s name and that she didn’t recognize. She’d have to listen to Ryan’s message again and hit the prompt afterward that would tell her what time the call came in. She’d then match the time of the message with the time of the number received on her call log. So that’s exactly what she did.

  Once she was certain of what number belonged to Ryan, she took a deep breath and prepared to dial his number. Before doing so, she checked the current time. It was 8:30 p.m. Nine o’clock was the unofficial “too late to call somebody” time. That meant she still had a half-hour window. Paige dialed all seven numbers and just before hitting the send button she paused. “Why am I acting so desperate?” she asked herself. “I couldn’t even focus on God’s Word for thinking about this man.”

  Paige sighed and threw her phone onto her bed, which landed right next to her Bible. “Now that’s a sign.” Paige laughed. “If I need to be calling on anybody, it needs to be you, Lord.” She laughed as she went back over and picked up her Bible. “I hear you, Lord.” She lay back, placed the Bible in her lap, and found the scriptures she’d attempted to read earlier. Before beginning to read she looked up and said, “Thank you for saving me, Lord . . . from myself.”

  “‘Happy birthday, dear Adele . . .’” all in attendance at the three-year-old’s birthday celebration sang.

  “Happy birthday, angel,” Paige said as she stood behind her daughter. “Now make a wish and blow out the candles.”

  The little girl thought for a moment, took in a deep breath, and then blew the fire out of all thr
ee candles, with the help of her mother.

  “Yay!” Everyone clapped.

  “What did you wish for, sweetheart?” Mr. Vanderdale asked as they all sat around the dining room table at the Robinsons’. Norman’s parents, Paige’s parents, Samantha, and Miss Nettie were in attendance. Paige decided she’d wait until each girl turned five to throw them a real birthday party with kids and goodie bags. For now, family and friends would suffice.

  “She can’t tell you what she wished for or else it might not come true,” Naomi said.

  Bypassing what her grandmother had just said, Adele couldn’t wait to let the secret loose. “I wished for my daddy to come see about me.”

  One could have heard a pin drop the room grew so silent. Paige and the Vanderdales had made it a point to show Adele pictures and videos of Norman, the man who’d signed her birth certificate. He was the man she’d only spent the first couple months of her life with. The man who was the son of her Grandma Naomi and Grandpa Norm. The man who she knew as Daddy. It looked as though now pictures and videos were no longer enough. Adele wanted her daddy in the flesh.

  “Who wants cake?” Paige said, quickly saving anyone from having to verbally respond to Adele’s words. This wasn’t the time or the place. They’d just sung “Happy Birthday,” and it was a happy birthday. Paige wanted to keep it that way.

  “I do!” Adele shouted. “But can I have my cake and my daddy too?”

  Paige’s derailment from Adele’s wish wasn’t long-lived. Adele had quickly put the train right back on the track. Paige looked to Naomi, her eyes begging for her to come up with a save this time.

  “You do have him,” Naomi said. “And where did Grandma Naomi tell you Daddy is?”

  “Right here!” the bubbly three-year-old, who came across as if she’d been here before in a previous life, exclaimed, pointing at her chest. “He’s my heart!”

  “He’s in your heart,” Naomi corrected her and then kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll take some of that cake too.”

  “Yippeee. I share my cake. I share my cake.”

  The mood that had almost come down a notch was quickly lifted as Paige served cake to everyone. They all ate and chitchatted for the next hour or so until the Vanderdales and Miss Nettie headed out.

  “Dinner next Sunday after church? Our house?” Naomi said to Paige as they walked out the door.

  “We’re there,” Paige told her before giving the three departing guests a hug good-bye. Paige waved once they got in the car and drove off. She then closed the door.

  “Those are some really good people right there,” Mr. Robinson said, putting his arm around Paige. “You did good marrying into that family. I can’t think of a better father you could have picked to be your children’s daddy.” He kissed Paige on the forehead.

  “Thanks, Dad.” She smiled. “Well, I’m going to get the girls packed up and we’re going to head home. I have choir rehearsal in the morning.”

  “You joined the praise and worship team again?” Mrs. Robinson said, excited.

  “Yes, I thought I told you. I’ve been back singing in the New Day choir for about six months now.”

  “Well, praise God!” Mrs. Robinson said, not one to overuse out of habit so-called church-folk sayings, but it blessed her soul, for lack of better words or description, to see her daughter getting back on track.

  The last year and a half she’d watched Paige grow as a woman, as a person, tremendously. Paige still stayed closely connected with the Vanderdales, the girls going over there at least once or twice a week, but Paige didn’t use them, namely Naomi, as a crutch or as a means not to be alone. She didn’t go back to work at the theatre, but Nettie still came over a couple times a month to help her keep the house in order. And, not surprisingly, Samantha had been the best auntie in the world, babysitting the girls a time or two while Paige attended church functions such as the New Day Singles Ministry meetings.

  What blessed Mrs. Robinson the most was seeing her daughter getting back into the Word, the Lord, where Mrs. Robinson knew her daughter was safe. If she was going to place her daughter in any man’s hands, it would be God’s. Although she wasn’t in church every Sunday, she knew one thing for certain: her daughter’s heart was safe with Jesus.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  “‘Take me to the king,’” Paige sang as tears fell from her eyes during her church solo. The words to the song truly struck a chord with her. She had once been all cried out, churched out, too, for that matter. There were times she’d felt so abandoned by God that she nearly detested anyone bringing up His name. Her life had been a roller coaster, going down hill after hill. There had never seemed to be many up moments, a time where she could catch her breath, think straight long enough to comprehend, and make sense of everything that was going on around her. But this last year, once she’d learned to trust God once again with all her heart, things had changed . . . for the better.

  She was back to taking care of herself, living healthy and eating healthy. She’d lost all her baby weight, from both children, and was comfortably in a size fourteen, sometimes twelve. She walked on the treadmill for an hour a day and got playtime in with her girls. She read them Bible stories, and after putting them down every night, she’d spend quality time reading the Bible herself. She sought out God and prayed over any situation that stomped her, even if it was just a conflict over what to make for dinner. Now of course not everything called for fasting and praying. Some things simply called for the use of good old-fashioned wisdom. But at least Paige was in a place where, if she needed to call on God, without a doubt she knew He’d be there. And He was with her now as her song moved the congregation to tears.

  “‘Take me to the king,’” Paige finished off, holding that last note for so long she knew for sure God was the air she breathed.

  “Hallelujah!” the congregation shouted.

  “Glory!” some cried out with hands lifted.

  The spirit was so high in the sanctuary that the organist continued playing the melody of the song while praise and worship went forth.

  “He’s worthy,” Paige cried out. “So worthy.” She just shook her head back and forth, in awe of all that God had brought her through.

  After ten minutes of basking in the spirit of the Lord, Pastor Margie was able to begin to preach. Paige went and took her place next to Naomi. Mr. Vanderdale sat on the other side of his wife. He didn’t come to church regularly, but he came every so often.

  After service, Naomi helped Paige retrieve the girls from children’s church. They followed the Vanderdales back to their house. Paige tried to have dinner with the girls’ grandparents at least one Sunday a month. Today was that Sunday.

  “Auntie Sammie,” Adele said once she entered her grandparents’ house and saw Samantha sitting on the couch watching television while flipping through a magazine.

  “T-Sammie,” little Norma cried out as well, on the heels of her big sister.

  Samantha slid off the couch, down onto her knees in order to be eye level with her nieces. Thank goodness the couch was behind her because she needed it to balance her and catch her fall when the girls slammed into her. They each threw their arms around her neck and smothered her with kisses.

  “Now that’s what I call a greeting.” Samantha laughed as her nieces tackled her. She then planted a kiss on each of their cheeks. “Hey, Paige, Mom,” she said, getting up off the floor and dusting herself off. “Dad, I’ve been here an hour. We were supposed to ride and do pictures of Sunrise and Champagne.” Samantha held out her hands and made a duh look.

  “Oh shoot.” Mr. Vanderdale popped himself upside the head. “I completely forgot all about the photo shoot with the horses.”

  “Obviously,” Samantha said, rolling her eyes. “I even called your cell phone and left a message.”

  Mr. Vanderdale pulled his phone out of his suit jacket pocket and looked at it. “I switched it on to airplane mode before I went into church. I forgot to turn it off after church.” He p
roceeded to do so.

  “Well, can you go hurry up and slip into some riding clothes? Surely the photographer is set up by now. He’s been here forty-five minutes. Thank goodness once Stuart gets to talking there’s no stopping him. He’s kept him company outside, but who knows how much longer he’ll be willing to stay? You go get dressed and I’ll let him know you’re here and that we’re ready.”

  “All right, sweetheart,” Mr. Vanderdale said, removing his tie as he walked up the steps.

  “Sorry, Sam,” Naomi apologized. “I invited him to church today forgetting all about the fact today was picture day for the horses.”

  “It’s okay, Mom. We’re good,” Samantha said. “Let me head out before the photographer packs up and leaves.” She looked down at her nieces. “You girls want to come see Sunrise and Champagne? Wanna see the horses?”

  “Yay. Yes.” The girls screamed out and jumped up and down, clapping their hands.

  “Then let’s go,” Samantha said as she took them by the hands and led them outside.

  Paige and Naomi were the only two remaining in the room.

  “I feel so bad. Norm and Sam are entering the horses in some contest. They have to turn in photos of them with the horses. Sam’s had this appointment scheduled for a month.” Naomi shook her head. “Them and their horses. I can’t stand the smell of them personally.”

  Paige laughed and shook her head.

  “Come on. Let’s go to the kitchen and see if Nettie has any of her concoction whipped up. If there isn’t, she can whip us some up as soon as she gets in from church. She should be arriving any minute now.”

  Paige followed Naomi into the kitchen and sat down at the nook while Naomi went and opened the fridge.

  “Voilà!” Naomi said, pulling out a pitcher of Miss Nettie’s favorite beverage. She then retrieved two glasses and filled them each with the refreshing liquid. About a half hour later Miss Nettie entered the kitchen dressed in a plum dress with white buttons down the front. It had a white collar and she wore white shoes over her nude-colored stockings. “So sorry I’m late. Church went over a bit and then Sister McKenzie ’bout talked my ears off,” Miss Nettie said, rushing through the kitchen with her Bible in its Bible cover. “Let me get changed and I’ll be right out to get you all a snack together and get dinner started.”