More Than I Can Bear

by E. N. Joy

  “Take your time,” Naomi called out to Miss Nettie. “Norm and Sam are out there with the girls doing pictures with the horses anyway.”

  “Is Stuart tending to them and helping? I sent him a text reminding him about the shoot,” Naomi stopped and asked.

  “Yes, Nettie, Stuart is on it. Now just calm down and catch your breath.”

  Miss Nettie hurried off to her living quarters down the hall and disappeared behind her bedroom door.

  Naomi whispered to Paige. “She thinks this house can’t run without her.”

  Both let out a chuckle and took a drink from their glasses.

  “Paige, Mom,” Samantha stuck her head in the back door and said. “You guys have got to come see the girls taking pics with the horses. It’s wayyyyy cute.” Just as quickly as her head had appeared in the door, it disappeared.

  “Well, come on,” Naomi said, rising up from off the stool. “Let’s go see America’s next top models.”

  Paige chuckled, and with her drink in hand, followed Naomi out to the back deck.

  When they walked outside, they could see Mr. Vanderdale up on his horse with both Adele and Norma sitting in front of him just a-smiling with their ruffled and lace Sunday dresses on. The photographer, whose back was toward the two women just entering the scene, was just a-snapping away. With the camera glued to his face, he was walking around getting his models from several angles.

  “Adorable,” Naomi clasped her hands and said to Paige. “You know what? I just realized we all don’t have a picture together. What do you say we go crash this photo shoot? I mean, the photographer is here. I’m sure he won’t mind. What do you say?”

  Paige shrugged. “Why not? But let me go inside and get my purse so I can touch up my face.”

  “That’s fine. I’ll go on out there with them and make sure it’s all right with everybody.”

  Naomi headed off the deck and Paige headed back in the house. She retrieved her purse and then went into the bathroom to touch up her makeup and fix her hair. A couple minutes later she was back outside heading off the deck down toward where the family awaited.

  “Paige, come on,” Naomi waved to her as she stood with the girls and her husband, already taking some pictures.

  “I’m coming, I’m coming,” Paige said, removing her heels so that she could get down to the photo shoot quicker. Walking on her tiptoes to avoid the feeling of her feet sinking into the ground was painful on her calves and her toes, in addition to slowing her down. Once she was about a foot away from the photographer, who was snapping away, Paige stopped, bent over, and slipped her shoes back on her feet.

  “Paige?”

  “Umm hmmm . . .” Paige started and then her words trailed off as she looked up. “Ryan! Oh my God.” Paige hugged him and he returned the hug as if they were old high school sweethearts who had just reunited again after years of being apart.

  “Paige Vanderdale. I didn’t even put two and two together with the last name.”

  She was certain Ryan wasn’t trying to kid her. He wouldn’t have thought he was doing a photo shoot of Paige’s extended family, considering she was black and they were white. “Uh, yes, I inherited this wonderful family through my husband.”

  Ryan raised an eyebrow.

  “God rest his soul,” Paige was quick to say, letting Ryan know she was as available as a hooker at a truck stop.

  “I thought these two beauties looked familiar though,” Ryan said, referring to Adele and Norma. “They are getting so big. But still as beautiful as ever . . . like their mother.”

  Paige subconsciously immediately looked down at Ryan’s hand in search of a wedding band. All his fingers remained bare. Of course that didn’t mean a whole lot. Paige had witnessed several married couples at church not wearing rings. Some had never even owned wedding rings but had been married for years.

  “So what have you been up to?” Paige fished. Please don’t say married.

  “Nothing too much. I’ve just been taking care of my kids, focusing on school, and serving God,” he admitted. He held his camera up. “And taking pictures.”

  “Speaking of taking pictures,” Samantha said, who was standing off to the side allowing her parents to take pics with their grandchildren. “Can we get the family portraits out of the way and get back to the horses?”

  “Oh, yes, I’m sorry,” Ryan apologized to Samantha. He turned to Paige. “You getting in the pics?”

  “Oh, yes, of course.” Paige walked over to get into the picture. “Come on, Sam.”

  “You guys first,” Samantha said. “Then I’ll get in.”

  Ryan proceeded to take pictures, and pose and position the family. He put people in and out of the pictures until there was a nice selection they could ultimately choose from. “Last one. Everybody say cheese,” Ryan ordered, snapping a family portrait of all six Vanderdales.

  “Cheese!” they all said for the final family portrait. A couple of them even clapped, knowing in advance they’d taken a spectacular photo shoot.

  “Now back to the horses,” Samantha said.

  “Come on, kids,” Naomi said to her granddaughters. “Let’s head in the house and see what Miss Nettie has prepared good to eat.”

  The girls followed their grandmother into the house. Paige watched them head off and then stood there for a moment realizing all eyes were on her.

  “Oh, I guess I better go and let you all get back to your business of taking pics of the horses.” Paige let out a chuckle. The chuckle dragged on as if she was stalling for some reason. It was almost as if she didn’t want to leave. There was silence as everyone waited for her exit. “Okay, well, I’ll see you all inside. Well, except for you that is,” she said to Ryan. “I guess, I uh, won’t see you again. But it was good seeing you again this time. Today. How, uh, did you end up getting this gig anyway?” A fine job Paige was doing of prolonging her presence in front of Ryan.

  “You gave me his card a long time ago? Remember?” Samantha chimed in, trying to hide her agitation.

  Paige raised an eyebrow trying to recall when. So Samantha decided to help her recollect, hoping it would hurry her along. She was more than ready to finish up.

  “Back when you gave us photos of you and the girls,” Samantha said. “I mentioned how good of a job the photographer did. I was considering back then doing a photo shoot of the horses. You ended up having his card in your wallet and gave it to me.”

  “Oh, yeah. I remember now,” Paige said. She did, in fact, remember. And that helped to explain why that day she was looking for the card to accept Ryan’s dinner invitation she couldn’t find it. She’d passed it on to Samantha. She had to admit, back then would not have been the time to try to build a relationship with any man. She had to rebuild her relationship with God, and, per her mother’s advice, with herself as well. She had a wonderful relationship with her daughters also. Life was good. And the same way Ryan had made her feel all some kind of way when she’d first met him was how he was still making her feel.

  As far as Paige was concerned, there was no time like now to get to know Ryan. The thing was, did he still want to get to know her? There was only one way to find out.

  “So, are you still hungry?” Paige asked Ryan. She only noticed the confused look on his face, not the crazy looks Samantha and Mr. Vanderdale were giving each other behind her back.

  “Pardon me?” Ryan asked, expressing his confusion with his contorted face.

  “Uhh, well you know, the last time we were in contact, you’d left me a message, inviting me to dinner. I’d lost your business card though. Well, I guess I actually hadn’t lost it. I’d given it to my dear sister-in-law and didn’t remember that. I was going to e-mail you, but that just didn’t feel personable. I guess now thinking back I could have e-mailed you, asked you for your phone number, and then called you.”

  Paige let out a nervous chuckle. Ryan just stood there lost in her words.

  Paige’s words were all over the place as she continued talking
ninety miles per hour. “But of course I didn’t think of that at the time, so I didn’t call you. Not only that, but it probably wasn’t a good idea at the time. I don’t think I was being honest with myself in thinking that I wanted you to do more than just fill a void in my life. That would not have been fair to you at all. You seemed like such a really nice guy and all. I mean, you still do, it’s just that . . .” Paige went on and on and on. Five minutes later she ended with, “You know what I’m saying?”

  “No,” Ryan said, trying hard not to laugh in Paige’s face, but letting one slip out. Shaking his head he said, “I have absolutely no idea what you are saying.”

  Samantha, clearing her throat, walked up next to Paige and Ryan. “What she’s saying, Ryan, is that if you’re still down for it, she’d loved to go to dinner with you.”

  Ryan put his head down as if he didn’t want anyone to see him blushing. Paige tightened her lips and elbowed Samantha.

  She shot her a look and mouthed, “What did you do that for? I didn’t need your help.”

  “Like heck you didn’t,” Samantha said out loud.

  “Excuse me?” Ryan said.

  Samantha put her hands on her hips and sighed. “Look, Ryan, in a minute here I’m going to charge you money for my time, so either you want to take my sister-in-law here, the mother of my two beautiful nieces, out to dinner or you don’t. Either way, I’d like to finish this photo shoot. I hate to break out my Paris Hilton spoiled brat alter ego, but dude, I frickin’ have a date after this, so could we please wrap this thing up?” Samantha threw her arms up in the air, and let them drop as she rolled her eyes and stomped away, mumbling “Geesh,” under her breath.

  So now stood Paige and Ryan face to face.

  “Well, what she said,” Paige spoke.

  “Well, to answer your initial question then”—Ryan gave Paige the once-over with wanting eyes—“I’m starved.”

  Paige exhaled. She could breathe again. That awkward moment of asking Ryan out on a date . . . or not necessarily asking him out on a date but accepting his proposal to go out on a date a year ago . . . or whatever it was, was over. Ryan agreed he wanted to have dinner with her and that’s all that mattered.

  “Great.” Paige clasped her hands together. “I’ll, uh, give you my number and everything before you head out.”

  “Oh, no need to,” Ryan told her. “I still got your number.” He winked and then finished his business at hand.

  Chapter Thirty

  “Well look at you,” Mrs. Robinson said when she opened the door to find Paige dressed to the nines with Adele and Norma in tow. “You clean up fabulous! And did you lose more weight? Girl, what did I tell you about all that insanity workout business? It’s just that; insane. I don’t want you killing yourself trying to lose weight for no man or—”

  “Mom, stop. You’re doing it again,” Paige said, putting her hand up, then leading the girls inside her parents’ house. “We’ve been there, prayed that. It’s about me now, what I like and what makes me happy. It’s not about what other people think, will think, or might think. It’s especially not about a man,” Paige assured her mother as she walked into the living room. “I have not been doing no insane workouts. I follow this personal trainer named Andre LaVelle on Facebook. He teaches that being healthy and staying healthy is a lifestyle that goes beyond sixty days of madness.” Paige cleared her throat. “Now thank you very much for the compliment, and thank you for agreeing to keep the girls while I go out with Ryan.”

  Following her daughter in complete “I told you so” mode, Mrs. Robinson said, “See, now ain’t you glad you waited until the time was right before you decided to give Ryan the time of day? You’re in such a better place now. You’re so happy with yourself and your life that now you can be happy with someone being in your life. Timing is everything.”

  “Yes, it is, and yes, you were right, Mother. You are always right,” Paige said, laying down the girls’ overnight bags next to the couch. Even though Paige’s dinner date with Ryan was at seven, she hadn’t planned on being at the restaurant with him more than a couple hours. It was Friday night and the girls didn’t have preschool the next day or anything, but Mrs. Robinson still thought it would be a better idea if they just spent the night instead of Paige dragging them out at midnight—her words—tired and half asleep. Holding on to the mantra that her mother was always right, Paige simply agreed. Besides that, what single mother didn’t want to take advantage of sleeping in on a Saturday morning?

  “Are you being sarcastic with me?” Mrs. Robinson, with a look of uncertainty, raised an eyebrow.

  “No, Mom, you always are right, and boy oh boy do I learn the hard way.”

  “Awwww, sweetie.” Mrs. Robinson wrapped her arms around her daughter and just hugged her.

  Paige’s eyes got bugged. She was not used to this type of physical connection with her mother. Growing up, her mother was not the “hug on and let’s say I love you” type of mother. That was something Paige had resented her mother for for so long. Fortunately, once Paige got into church, got saved, and learned about deliverance, she was able to let go of that foolishness. Slowly, and almost awkwardly, Paige put her arms around her mother.

  “There’s my two favorite girls,” Mr. Robinson said, entering the room and greeting his granddaughters. The girls immediately ran over to him.

  “Well, what are we? Chopped liver?” Mrs. Robinson joked.

  “I know, right,” Paige agreed. “I remember the days when I was his favorite girl.” Paige playfully poked out her bottom lip and pouted.

  “Oh, now, you know you’re still my favorite girl too.” Mr. Robinson went and planted a kiss on his daughter’s cheek.

  “Thanks, Dad.” Paige bent down and held her arms out. “Come here, girls. Give Mommy a kiss bye-bye.”

  The girls ran into their mother’s arms. They planted kisses on both her cheeks.

  “I love you, girls,” Paige said, returning their kisses. “Tomorrow when I come pick you up, I’ll have a lunch packed and we’ll go to the park. Okay?”

  “Ooooh, yes, Mommy.” Adele clapped. “I love it when we go to the park. Can you push me on the swings first this time, and not Norma in that dumb baby swing?”

  “I’m not a dumb baby,” Norma said, poking out her lip.

  “I didn’t say you were a dumb baby. I said the swing was dumb, but you’re too scaredy to ride the big girl swings like me.”

  “I’m not a scaredy.”

  “Then prove it. Ride the big girl swing with me tomorrow.”

  “I will.”

  “Bet you won’t, ’cause you’re a scaredy.”

  The girls argued.

  Figuring it was time to break them up, Paige interjected. “Don’t worry. Mommy has plenty of time to push you both on the swings, whether it’s the big girl swing or the baby girl swing. As long as we’re together and having fun is all that really matters, right?”

  “Right, Mommy,” the girls agreed, now back on good terms.

  “All right, Mom.” Paige stood up straight. “I’ll be by to pick them up around two o’clock tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Okay, sounds good. Depending on how much they wear me out, I might go to the park and picnic with y’all.”

  “That would be nice.” Paige turned to the girls. “Girls, wouldn’t y’all like Grammy to come to the park with us tomorrow?” She looked at her father and winked. “And perhaps Grandpa, too.”

  “Yay!” the girls cheered.

  “Hey, how’d I get caught up in this?” Mr. Robinson asked.

  “Oh, come on, Dad. Remember how you used to take me to the park and push me on the swings?” Paige leaned in and said softly, “The big one and the stupid baby one?” Paige and her father shared a laugh, and at the same time a memory.

  “Those were the days,” Mr. Robinson said, staring off with a sentimental look in his eyes.

  “And God is so good, you get to relive them with your grandchildren. Now how many people get bless
ed enough to experience that?” Paige added.

  “All right, you’ve talked me into it. Picnic tomorrow at two,” Mr. Robinson agreed.

  “Yay!” the girls cheered again.

  “Now, girl, go on and get out of here before you be having the neighbors join us tomorrow and it turns into an all-out block party,” Mrs. Robinson said. “And don’t worry about packing a picnic. I’ll take care of that.”

  “Sounds good to me,” Paige said. “All right everybody. I’m out of here.” Paige gave her girls one last hug and then was out the door.

  It took her about twenty minutes to get to the restaurant where she was meeting Ryan. She was ten minutes early, but to her surprise, he was already there waiting when she walked inside the restaurant.

  “Man, where is my camera when I need it?” Ryan said when he saw Paige enter with her nice-fitting red trousers that flared at the bottom, black patent pumps, and royal blue puffy sleeved blouse. Her gold handmade earrings she’d gotten from a lady at church who had her own jewelry business went perfectly with the bracelet her wrist don that she’d picked up from Burlington Coat Factory. She’d watched on television that it was no longer the style to match her purse with her shoes, so she opted to carry a neutral-colored patent Versace bag. It was just one of the few items she had kept that Blake had purchased for her.

  “Well, hello to you too.” Paige smiled and kissed Ryan on the cheek. This was their third date since reconnecting at the photo shoot a couple of months ago. They’d talked on the phone several times in getting to know one another. So far Paige liked everything she knew about Ryan. The fact that he had children from a prior relationship didn’t bother her any more than it bothered him that she had two children from a prior relationship as well. Paige hadn’t told him, though, her entire baby daddy issue. She just always referred to Norman as both the girls’ father. She’d mentioned the fact that Norman was her second marriage, but again, she didn’t go into full details. Although they were getting close, they just weren’t quite there in their relationship where she felt comfortable sharing everything.