After Alex Died

by Madison, Dakota

  We both jumped from the bed and I quickly buttoned my blouse. Talk about bad timing. I tried to compose myself and when I looked over at Cameron, he was in even worse shape, as his full arousal was difficult to hide. He put his hands in his pockets in an attempt to tame the beast in his pants and I tried to do the best I could to tame my hair.

  When we heard another series of loud voices and doors slamming in the hall way, we knew we had to get out there to see what was going on.

  Antonio and Sofia were already knocking on doors when we arrived at the end of the hall. Antonio gave us both the once over and grinned.

  “Like you weren’t doing the same thing,” Cameron scoffed.

  “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell,” Antonio joked.

  Sofia apparently found something amiss in the room Grace and Savannah were sharing because she stormed in there with her hands flying in the air.

  “What do you all think you’re doing?” I could hear her scream. I scurried into the room after her and Antonio and Cameron followed.

  The room was a disaster. There were empty beer cans strewn about; chips and cheese doodles were everywhere including several crushed into the carpeting; and the non-smoking room reeked of cigarettes.

  “It’s not what it looks like,” Grace cried on the verge of tears. “The boys brought beer and cigarettes into our room.”

  Sofia’s face was turning red with anger. “What were the boys even doing in your room?” she spat.

  Grace turned into a sobbing heap and Savannah started sniveling behind her.

  “Who were the boys in your room?” Sofia demanded.

  Neither of the girls spoke. Were they really going to protect the boys who supposedly caused the mess?

  “If you don’t tell me, you’ll be the ones in trouble,” Sofia continued. I was so proud of her. She was just like a mini Dr. Jones.

  I noticed a small crowd of other kids had gathered outside the door to watch the show. Ryan and Hunter both looked like cats that had swallowed canaries.

  The group of kids parted like the Red Sea when Dr. Jones marched through them and into the room. It was like all the air was sucked out of the small space when Dr. Jones glanced around.

  “To say I’m disappointed would be an understatement,” she stated. She made a show of inspecting the strewn beer cans and the junk food in the carpet. “This is disgraceful and completely shames you and the school.”

  She glared at Grace and Savannah, who were now sobbing. “You both need to pack your things. You’re out of the program.”

  Both girls gasped at the same time.

  “Please don’t do this,” Destiny pleaded as she entered the room. “It’s not their fault.”

  Dr. Jones narrowed her eyes and glared at Destiny. “Were you are part of this?”

  Destiny looked traumatized. She shook her head slowly as if she was unsure of the correct response.

  “I warned you all that anyone who broke the rules would be immediately dismissed from the program.” She moved her arm around the room. “Several rules were broken here.”

  When I looked at the kids in the hallway, they were all wide-eyed.

  “What are you waiting for?” She eyed Grace and Savannah. “This place needs to be cleaned up and I’m phoning your parents to pick you up.”

  The two girls gasped again.

  “But it’s the middle of the night,” Savannah pleaded.

  “My dad’s going to kill me,” Grace moaned.

  “Can you at least wait until morning to call them—please?” Savannah looked like her world had just ended and from her perspective, it probably just had.

  Dr. Jones shook her head. “You are no longer participants in the College Bound program, so I can no longer take responsibility for you, nor do I want to.” She made a point of glancing around the room again at all of the evidence of wrong-doing.

  Then Dr. Jones turned to the kids still standing in the hall way. “Does anyone else want to join them? Do any of you want to admit to being a part of this?”

  I saw Lyle start to make a move, like he might confess, he caught my eye and I slowly shook my head and mouthed no. He put his head down.

  When I glanced over at Dr. Jones, I breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn’t seen the interaction between Lyle and I. Cameron had, though, and he was looking at me with a strange expression on his face.

  Dr. Jones stared intently at Ryan and Hunter but neither of them was budging. All of the kids were now staring at the floor and wouldn’t even look Dr. Jones in the eye.

  I had the feeling that if all of the kids responsible for the party gave themselves up, Cameron and I wouldn’t have anyone left in our group.

  “Fine,” Dr. Jones said. “I want all of you to get back to your rooms. We’ve got a big day ahead of us with the Museum of Natural History and the Planetarium.”

  Cameron and I made sure all of our kids went back to their rooms while Dr. Jones stood over Grace and Savannah while they cleaned and packed.

  I noticed Destiny was crying as she headed back to the room. I wanted to see if she was okay so I stopped her.

  “Is everything alright?” I asked.

  Her eyes were red and filled with tears. “Not really,” she replied.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not really,” she repeated.

  “I know it’s late. Let me know if you want to talk.”

  She nodded then turned and headed down the hallway.

  Cameron touched my arm and I turned toward him. I’ll see you in ten minutes, he mouthed then went into the room that he was supposed to be sharing with Antonio.

  Sofia grabbed my elbow and pulled me into our room. As soon as the door shut, she flopped down on the unused bed. “That was intense,” she declared.

  “We could have lost our entire group,” I stated.

  “At least we don’t have to worry about the kids having any more parties when we go to Washington for three days.”

  I flopped on the other bed. “Those kids may not have another party until they graduate from college.”

  “Lyle was going to turn himself in and I persuaded him not to,” I admitted.

  “Dr. Jones was harsh. I probably would have done the same thing.”

  I propped myself on my elbow and faced her. “Do you think she was too harsh?”

  Sofia turned to face me. “I believe in giving people second chances. And I think you do, too.”

  “Are we still talking about the kids?” I asked.

  “Everyone makes mistakes. Bad choices. Especially when they’re young. Hopefully we learn from them. Believe me, I was no saint when I was in high school.”

  “And what did you do that was so bad?” I thought she would say she drank and partied. Typical high school stuff.

  Instead, her expression turned serious. “I was a wild child. I didn’t follow any of my momma’s rules. I started dating older guys when I was 14 years old. By the time I was 15, I was pregnant by a guy who was 25. He was married and had kids. He wouldn’t accept responsibility. He said I got around and the kid could have been anyone’s but he was the only guy I had been with in months. I was in love with him, or so I thought. My mom wanted me to get an abortion but I didn’t feel right about it. She finally talked me into it and there were complications. The doctors say it may be difficult or even impossible for me to have kids. So I could have had a kid when I didn’t want one but when the time comes and I want one, I probably won’t be able to have one. That’s a mistake with some pretty heavy consequences.”

  I didn’t know what to say. Was there anything to say? “I’m sorry,” was all that would come out.

  She nodded.

  “Does Antonio know?” As soon as I asked the question, I realized I may have crossed a line. I wasn’t even sure they were serious enough to have a discussion like that. And it really wasn’t any of my business.

  A tear drop slid down her face and she quickly brushed it away. “I’m not sure any guy will ever want t
o marry me if I can’t have kids.”

  “I think if a guy loves you, he’ll be okay with it.”

  She brushed another tear drop from her cheek. “Do you really think so?”

  “Isn’t that what love is supposed to be about? Accepting the other person, even with all their faults?”

  “And you accept Cameron?” she asked. “Faults and all?”

  I gulped. How had the conversation turned so quickly to me and Cameron? “I thought we were talking about you?”

  “You know you’re going to have to forgive Cameron if you want this thing between you to work. But even more important, you have to forgive Alex and you have to forgive yourself.”

  I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I had never thought about forgiving Alex, or myself for that matter.

  “Have you forgiven yourself?” I asked.

  “Not really,” she admitted. “It’s not that easy.”

  Somehow it felt like she was preaching to the choir.

  We both sat in the silence of our own thoughts for a few moments until there was a soft knock on the door and Cameron entered.

  “The coast is clear,” he said. “Dr. Jones took the girls down to the lobby to meet their parents.”

  Sofia and I both rose from our beds.

  Cameron was looking at Sofia, concern in his eyes. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

  “Girl stuff,” she said dismissively as she hopped from the bed. “I’d better see what Antonio is up to. You can’t leave the boy alone for too long. He comes up with all kinds of crazy schemes.”

  When the door closed behind Sofia, Cameron lay down on the bed next to me. “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I exhaled. “I’m not sure.”

  He turned to face me. “What’s going on?”

  “Sofia and I were talking about forgiveness.”

  He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, like he was bracing himself for the worst, expecting me to say something to hurt him. I placed a soft kiss on his cheek and he exhaled.

  We looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment.

  “I don’t have many expectations for my life anymore,” he said. “There aren’t many things I want or hope for. But your forgiveness tops the list of things I still want.”

  “I know. But I think it’s more complicated than that.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Sofia told me that I had to forgive Alex and also forgive myself. I feel like they’re all connected somehow.”

  Cameron moved up so that his head and upper back were leaning on the pillows. “I feel like you’re so far away.” He patted his chest. “You can lie here.”

  “I’m like five inches from you,” I protested.

  “That’s five inches too far.”

  I harrumphed then made my way up to him. He embraced me and pulled me close. As I lay my head on his chest, I could feel his heart beating beneath me. I was starting to enjoy the sound. It was comforting, feeling his aliveness.

  He placed a kiss on my forehead. “Tell me why you need to forgive yourself,” he whispered.

  “I feel like I should have done more for Alex. He was my only sibling and my best friend. How could I not know he was in that much pain? I should have been able to save him.”

  “When people kill themselves, it’s their choice, their decision. You did the best you could. He obviously didn’t want you to know. He didn’t want you to save him.”

  I could feel tears begin to stream down my cheeks. “I miss him so much.”

  “What else?” Cameron asked.

  The question caught me off guard. “What do you mean?”

  “What else?” he repeated.

  I repeated the question to myself. What else? What else?

  “I guess I’m angry at him for leaving,” I admitted. “Sometimes I feel like he took the easy way out. I’m mad that he didn’t see all the good he had inside and all of his potential. I feel like he threw it all away.”

  Cameron reached over to the nightstand on the other side of the bed and grabbed a small box of tissues. He placed the box on the bed next to me then took one of the tissues from the box and gently wiped the tears from my face.

  “I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” I said.

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about. Crying is good for the soul. It’s cathartic. And I know what you’re thinking: that’s a big word for a dumb jock.”

  “That’s not what I was thinking and I don’t think you’re dumb. You were kind of a stereo-typical jock, though. Not so much anymore.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s kind of hard to be a jock when you don’t play sports anymore.”

  I looked into his eyes. They were warm and open. “Do you miss it?”

  He nodded. “A lot more than I ever thought I would when I was playing.”

  “Do you think you’ll ever play again?”

  He shook his head. “No. I didn’t like the person I was when I played ball. I definitely won’t play competitive sports again. Maybe I’ll take up golf when I’m old, but that’s about it.”

  “I can just imagine you wearing those white golf pants and a lime green polo shirt.” I laughed.

  “And don’t forget the white golf shoes to match.”

  We both smiled and stared at each other for a moment. Then he gave me a soft kiss. “It’s getting late,” he whispered. “Maybe we’d better try to get some sleep.”

  As soon as he mentioned sleep, I could feel myself getting drowsy. I rested my head on Cameron’s chest and he nestled me close. Just as I drifted off to sleep, I thought I heard Cameron whisper that he loved me but it also could have been a dream.

  ***

  Our tour through the American Museum of Natural History was much more somber than I anticipated. Without Grace and Savannah, it was like a dark cloud had descended over the group. Maybe they felt a little guilty that two of them got sent home for what was probably more likely a group affair. I had a suspicion they were probably also afraid the other shoe might drop and they’d be sent packing too. Anyway, they were all on their best behavior and even though teens were notorious for having short memories, and even shorter attention spans, I had a feeling that seeing Grace and Savannah crying as they left, suitcases in hand, would be etched in their memories for a long time.

  My favorite part of our very long day was the Journey to the Stars space show at the Hayden Planetarium. Not only because it gave us all a chance to sit and relax, but also because it was dark and Cameron and I could finally touch each other.

  While we were touring the exhibits, Cameron and I were on our best behavior. Not only because of what happened the previous evening with Grace and Savannah being dismissed from the program, but also because Dr. Jones seemed to be on high alert for any other wrongdoing that might take place.

  When we were seated together in the darkness of the planetarium, however, all bets were off. Cameron took my hand in his and rested our entwined hands on his leg. It was such a simple gesture but I immediately felt closer to him than I had all day. I preferred it when there was no distance between us; I always felt the compulsion to close the distance and be near enough to feel his presence—and his warmth.

  Funny, I thought. Thinking of Cameron Connelly as warm or even a presence I craved to be near was such a conflicting feeling to what I should have felt.

  Wasn’t it?

  Shouldn’t I want to be as far away from the bully as possible? Only Cameron no longer fit the bill, at least not in my mind. Cameron was moving quickly from tormentor to redeemer and I wasn’t even sure how it had happened.

  When Cameron slid down in his chair, I slide down in mine. I had a feeling his motivation for the slouch in the seat was to kiss me and I wasn’t wrong. He leaned over and placed a tender kiss on my cheek.

  “I couldn’t resist,” he whispered in my ear. “Don’t get mad.”

  I quickly glanced around to make sure no one was watching us and when I saw everyone was preoccupied with the show, I replied, “I’m not mad
.”

  “Good,” he murmured as he leaned over and placed a soft kiss on my lips. “I couldn’t resist that either.”

  I smiled as I rested my head on his muscular shoulder. At my touch the muscles in his entire body seemed to relax and he let out a breath. It felt nice that we could just be together, there in the darkness of the planetarium, just a guy and a girl, holding hands and enjoying each other’s company. I didn’t want the moment to end.

  Week Four

  “Why has no one said anything about going out on Friday night?” I asked as I set my tray down at the lunch table.

  Sofia and Antonio looked up from their lunches and stared at me with blank expressions.

  I eyed them suspiciously. “What’s going on?”

  They both shrugged.

  “There’s something you’re not telling me.”

  They both bit their lips like they were trying not to tell me whatever it was they were hiding.

  “Spill,” I demanded.

  “Cameron will kill us if we do,” Antonio said and Sofia immediately elbowed him for it.

  “Just shut up about it,” Sofia barked. “She’s not even supposed to know there’s something she doesn’t know.”

  I looked back and forth between them. “You know the two of you are perfect for each other.”

  Sofia rolled her eyes but Antonio pulled her close and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “You know Dee Dee is right. We are perfect for each other.”

  She gave a half smile and Antonio placed a wet one on her lips.

  I heard the sound of a tray placed next to mine and I glanced over to see Cameron sitting down next to me. He handed me a single white rose and an envelope. I gave him a puzzled look.

  “What is this?” I asked holding up the envelope.

  “Why don’t you open it and find out?”

  I sliced the seal off the envelope with my index finger and opened it. It was an invitation that read: Cameron Connelly requests the presence of Dee Dee DeMarco this Friday at 7p.m. for an evening of dining and conversation. Please RSVP to Cameron no later than Thursday so he can make reservations for the date.

  I smelled the delicate rose. “Nice touch.”