After Alex Died

by Madison, Dakota

  “I figured I’d have to do something special so you’d agree to go out with me. I remembered hearing something about Mason sending you a candy gram the first time he asked you out. That’s not easy to compete with.”

  “Candy grams are nice but I like flowers better.”

  “So noted.”

  “I would love to go out with you Friday,” I said. “Consider that my RSVP.”

  I saw a big grin cross Cameron’s face. “You won’t be disappointed.”

  I didn’t know how I possibly could be.

  ***

  Friday night came too quickly. I felt like I was looking forward to it so intensely that I somehow made time speed up.

  I looked at myself in the mirror for what felt like the twentieth time and I still looked the same. I felt like a little girl trying to be all grown up.

  “I just don’t know about this outfit,” I said. I was wearing a little black dress that Sofia loaned me and because she had so many more curves than I did, it felt a little too loose-fitting. I felt like a kid playing dress up in her mom’s clothes.

  “Here, try this,” Sofia said. She turned me toward her and placed a hot pink scarf around my waist like a belt. Then she spun me back around toward the mirror.

  “See, much better, right?” she asked.

  I examined the modified outfit in the mirror. “It is better,” I said without much conviction. It was better but I still felt like an imposter. The restaurant was supposed to be quite a posh place, exclusive and quite expensive. I didn’t feel like I belonged in a place like that.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come?” I gave Sofia a pleading look.

  She shook her head. “First of all, this is a special date for you and Cameron. I think he wants to fly solo tonight and have you all to himself. And second, I already have a date. Antonio is taking me to his favorite restaurant, Subway.”

  Subway actually sounded good. It sounded like a place where I could relax and wear jeans and not feel like a kid in grown up clothes.

  “You look great,” Sofia assured me. “Cameron will feel like the luckiest guy in the world when he’s with you tonight. He’ll probably be the envy of every guy in the place.”

  I let out a cynical laugh. “Okay, whatever you say.”

  “You know I only speak the truth,” she insisted.

  I gave her a hug. “Thanks for everything.”

  “That’s what friends are for,” she reminded me. “And thanks for your advice about not being afraid to tell Antonio about what happened to me.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Well, at first he wanted to kill the guy who knocked me up.”

  “That sounds just like Antonio.”

  “After I got him off of that crazy idea he said he wasn’t sure he wanted kids any way. He said if it happened sometime in the future, he’d be okay with it but if it didn’t he’d be fine with that too. I was surprised. It never occurred to me that I might find a guy who didn’t care about having kids. I guess I just assumed everyone wanted them at some point.”

  We gave each other another hug.

  When Cameron came to the door, he looked stunning in his fitted black suit. He was holding a small bouquet of white roses.

  I smiled. “Let me guess. The rest of the dozen?”

  He nodded. “I didn’t want that flower I gave you yesterday to get lonely.”

  I had to give him credit for creativity. I kissed his cheek. “Thank you for the flowers. They are lovely.”

  “Would it be a cliché for me to say they’re not as lovely as you?”

  “A terrible one,” I answered.

  “Okay, then I won’t.”

  We both laughed.

  ***

  The restaurant surpassed my expectations. Posh wasn’t even classy enough to describe the place. It was the height of class, sophistication and elegance, from the enormous chandelier in the grand entry way to the fountains and ornate decor. The other patrons were wearing gowns and tuxedos, like they had tickets to the symphony or opera immediately following dinner. Even in my best clothes, I felt completely and totally underdressed and out of place.

  We were seated on the second floor balcony next to a small fountain. Listening to the fountain calmed my nerves a bit and the broad smile on Cameron’s face immediately put me at ease.

  “This place is amazing,” he said as the host seated us and handed us menus. I noticed he discretely removed the wine menu from the table. Cameron probably could have passed for twenty-one but I knew I looked about twelve, so there was no way I was getting served anything but soda.

  I almost choked when I glanced at the prices on the menu then I realized I was just looking at the appetizers. Cameron really was trying his hardest to impress me. Our meal was easily going to cost half a week’s pay.

  “The steaks here are supposed to be excellent,” Cameron suggested.

  “Is that what you’re having?” I asked.

  “I think so.”

  There were suddenly too many choices and I wasn’t sure what to get. I intentionally didn’t eat anything all day so I’d be hungry for dinner but now that we were here, I was nervous and my stomach didn’t feel that hungry anymore.

  We both put down our menus and Cameron took my hands in his. “I really wanted our first real date to be special,” he said.

  “This is beyond special. It’s almost too much.”

  “The food is supposed to be amazing. And being here with you is worth any price.”

  He hadn’t lied. The food was amazing, maybe the best I’d ever had. I had lobster and Cameron had prime rib. We exchanged bites of each other’s dishes and I wasn’t sure which was better. I didn’t think it would be possible to ever have more delicious food again in my life.

  When we got back to my room Cameron kissed me goodnight at my door.

  “Aren’t you going to come in?” I asked. There was a hint of disappointment in my voice. “It’s not that late.”

  “I was just waiting for you to ask,” he admitted.

  “So, you’re taking this gentleman-on-a-date thing all the way, huh?” I teased.

  “I try never to make assumptions about anyone or anything. Assumptions usually lead to disappointment.”

  I unlocked my door then took his hand in mine and led him into my room. As soon as the door closed behind us, he pulled me close and devoured me with his kisses.

  “I’ve been waiting to do that all night,” he admitted when we stopped for a breath.

  I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward my bed. Then we both stared at each other for a long moment.

  “I never told you how beautiful you look tonight. I love that dress on you.”

  “I was hoping you’d love it off of me, too,” I teased.

  I removed the scarf belt and threw it on the chair next to the bed. “I need your help to unzip this,” I said as I turned my back toward Cameron.

  “Are you sure about this,” he whispered into my ear.

  “Very sure,” I promised him.

  He slowly unzipped my dress and I removed the straps from my shoulders and let it glide to the floor. Then I turned to face him.

  He swallowed as he took me in. “You were right. I love the dress off of you even more.”

  “What about this?” I unsnapped my bra and let it fall to the floor. Then I stepped out of my underwear. I was completely naked and vulnerable standing in front of him.

  “Do you like what you see?” I asked. I could feel the uncertainty in my voice. I knew Cameron had been with a lot of girls and I wondered how I compared.

  “I love what I see,” he asserted as he stepped closer and held me in his arms.

  His next kiss was gentle, soft, sweet but it slowly intensified until we were both nearly ravaging each other. Things were happening so fast and furiously I put my hand to his chest to slow the pace for a moment.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked breathlessly.

  “We’ve got a problem,” I teased.

&
nbsp; He looked stricken. “What?”

  “You have entirely too many clothes on.”

  A half smile crossed his face. “That’s a problem easily solved.”

  I watched as he removed his suit jacket and placed it on the desk chair. He took off his shoes and socks and left them under the chair. He carefully unbuttoned his shirt and placed it on the chair with the jacket. Then he stepped out of his pants and added them to the pile of clothes he’d made.

  Finally he turned to face me in just his boxer briefs. His body was perfect, lean and muscular. Even though he said he was no longer playing sports, he was obviously still working out.

  “How’s that?” he asked. There was a hint of uncertainty in his voice. The boy had nothing to be uncertain about, that was for sure.

  I stepped closer and placed a hand on his hard chest. He drew in a breath as I carefully caressed his muscular abs. “I want you,” I whispered.

  As if he had been waiting all of this life to hear those three words, Cameron’s mouth crashed into mine and he devoured me.

  When he looked at me, he had a twinkle in his eye that I had never seen before, it was both mischievous and sexy. Without taking his eyes from mine, he lifted me up and carried me over to the bed. He carefully laid me down and for a moment, he took me in, his eyes traveling every inch of my body. I felt like he was trying to memorize everything about me—every feature and every curve of my body.

  He took in a breath and I thought he might say something but no words came out.

  “What?” I asked, a half smile overtaking my face.

  “I know it sounds like a line but you’re truly beautiful.”

  My smile grew broader. “That does sound like a line.”

  Cameron removed his boxer briefs and climbed into the bed next to me. Then he took his index finger and slowly ran it down the length of my arm, from my shoulder blade to my fingers. Then he ran his finger down my side to my hip and then to my belly button, where he lingered a few seconds. Shivers ran through me as he circled the edge of my belly button with his finger.

  He moved down to my feet and ran his finger from my inner ankle, all the way up my leg and my inner thigh, releasing another wave of shudders through me. He didn’t stop there, his finger moved to my other thigh and he ran it the length of my thigh down my leg to my other ankle. When he did a slow deliberate circle around my ankle, I felt like I might explode.

  Cameron moved up to my nipples and his finger worked magic as he circled and caressed each nub.

  When every nerve ending in my body was charged, he moved his mouth to mine and attacked me with lips and tongue.

  I had never felt so much desire in my life. “I want you,” I whispered. But it was more than that. I felt like I needed Cameron. I needed to feel that ultimate connection with him, body and soul.

  “Are you sure? Tell me you’re sure.”

  “Yes, I’m sure.”

  Without any more hesitation, Cameron jumped from the bed and removed a packet from his suit jacket pocket. He ripped it open and rolled the condom over his impressive erection.

  When he rejoined me in the bed, he positioned himself over me and our eyes locked for a moment. He kissed me as he slid into me and I felt a bit of pain as he began to thrust in and out of me. He must have sensed my discomfort because he looked concerned. “Am I hurting you?”

  “It’s just been a while,” I admitted. It had been a few years since I’d been with Mason. “Just keep going.”

  He did as he was told and the pain quickly subsided as he found his rhythm and I became lost in the magic of his lovemaking. For the first time, in a long time, I was able to feel something other than darkness. I was so engaged in the deep connection Cameron and I shared that my mind was finally free of the desperate thoughts that had haunted me for so long.

  When Cameron gasped, I knew he was ready to climax and I was soon there with him. The release I felt was so intense and absolute, I was completely lost in the moment.

  After we were both spent I lay my head on his chest, which felt damp with sweat. “You’re not working out enough,” I teased.

  “Not that kind of workout anyway,” he offered.

  We both held each other for a few moments, enjoying the post-coital bliss.

  He began playing with my shoulder, circling it with his finger. “I want to tell you about the scar,” he announced.

  It felt like it had come out of left field but it also seemed like something he needed to get off of his chest. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” he said almost grimly. I got the feeling that there were things he needed to say before our relationship could progress.

  “Okay, tell me.”

  “It happened when I was 12. I showed a lot of promise in basketball, so my parents sent me to a basketball camp the summer before I started junior high. It was supposed to be one of the best basketball camps in the country. They were known as star makers. A number of their graduates had gone on to become pro players. My parents thought I had the potential to someday go pro with the right coaching. They paid a small fortune for me to go for six weeks.”

  He paused for a moment and played with the tattoo on my wrist, tracing it with his finger. “There was a coach there, Mr. Preston and he immediately picked me out of the crowd. He was really hard on me. He said it was because he could see I had potential that I wasn’t living up to. He yelled at all the kids, called us all kinds of names. His favorites were to call us fairies and faggots. Most of the kids were quickly demoralized. He completely tore us down. At one practice, he got so angry because I wasn’t doing a shot the way he wanted me to, he lifted up a plastic chair and threw it at me. The edge of the chair leg caught right above my eye and ripped a pretty bad gash. It bled everywhere. From the amount of blood, you would have thought he stabbed me. He actually yelled at me for messing up the floor with so much blood.

  “One of the other coaches, a female coach who was working with the girls, took me to the hospital. They told my parents that one of the other kids hit me in the eye with a basketball. I never told them what actually happened and no one else ever said a word about it. We were all scared. Coach Preston had a lot of connections in the NBA and with college recruiters. He was one of those guys who knew everyone. No one wanted to cross him and risk their basketball careers.

  “When I came back after my trip to the hospital, Coach Preston backed off of me for a while. But something else happened. Something even worse than the scar over my eye.”

  Cameron averted my gaze and it made me nervous. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear anymore but he continued.

  “The first time was in his office. Coach Preston told me he wanted to meet with me about my game. He said he had something he wanted to show me. What he wanted to show me was his dick.”

  I could feel my stomach lurch and I suddenly felt as though I might vomit.

  Cameron was still nervously tracing the lines of my wrist tattoo as he spoke. “Over the next few weeks I tried to stay as far away from him as I could, but he kept telling me he wanted me to meet him in his office. Finally, he caught me in the hallway and forced me to follow him into his office. I was scared to death because I knew what he wanted. He made me touch him. I was so disgusted after I left his office, I actually ran into the bathroom and threw up. Luckily, there were only a few days left of the camp and he never cornered me again.”

  “I never told anyone, not even my parents, until I was in counseling this past year.” He finally glanced up at me. “You’re the only other person, who knows.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. So many different thoughts and feelings were swirling through my head. I could see he was still hurting. The little boy inside of him was damaged by what had happened. I wanted to support him and I was also completely outraged and angry that a coach entrusted to work with children could completely betray that trust.

  He looked at me with so much pain and sadness, I could feel my chest clench.

  “You’re disgusted by me, aren�
�t you? I knew I shouldn’t have told you.”

  “No,” I said quickly. “That’s not it at all. If anything, I’m disgusted by anyone who would do that to a young boy. That coach was a sick man. It wasn’t your fault.”

  He shook his head. “I should have told someone. I shouldn’t have been alone with him. Especially after I knew what he really wanted. I heard he retired a few years later but I don’t think he really retired. He was too young. Probably only fifty. I think someone found out and made him leave. I wondered if he did to other boys what he had done to me. Could I have stopped it from happening if I had the courage to tell someone what he did to me? I didn’t think anyone would believe me. He made me out to be a complete and total fuck up. I thought if I told anyone, they would think I was just saying it to get him in trouble.”

  “You were 12 years old. You were just a kid. You were scared and alone. He was a coach everyone looked up to. You did the best you could.”

  He sighed. “When I talked to my counselor, she asked me to think about any connection there might be between what happened to me when I was 12 and what we did to Alex.”

  Cameron looked into my eyes and he looked even sadder and more vulnerable.

  “Whenever I saw Alex and thought about him being gay, all the memories about what the Coach made me do, and how disgusting and dirty it made me feel, all came flooding back to me. I think that’s why I said those things to Alex. Why I called him all those names. I know it was wrong and there are no excuses for my behavior. But there was a reason for it. A really twisted and messed up reason, but still a reason.”

  I felt like I’d been slapped in the face with his confession. I was even more confused and shaken to the core.

  When Cameron looked at me again, his eyes were wet. “Please say something. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. Not now. Please—”

  Cameron sounded desperate but I wasn’t sure what to say. I gulped. “It’s just a lot to absorb. You know I haven’t completely come to terms with Alex’s death. This adds a whole new side to it that I never even imaged. I have no idea what to say.”

  “Can you at least say you won’t leave me? I need you, Dee Dee. Please.” Cameron looked so raw and so vulnerable, it pierced my heart.