Love & Devotion

by Jove Belle

“You brought along the family pit bull to act as your friend? Who are you kidding, KC?” Emma loved Kendall, but she clearly didn’t love her being with KC when KC should be inside ending things with Lonnie.

  “Don’t be mean, Emma. That’s not fair.” She stepped closer to Emma and spoke softly. Emma had a right to her anger, but KC didn’t. Even if Emma was being unreasonable, she didn’t get to react. She had to make Emma feel better. To date she’d done a crappy job of it. She wanted to do better on this day and every other day going forward. Still, she didn’t want Emma to take it out on Kendall.

  “A lot of things aren’t fair.” Emma spun around and took off down the sidewalk, leaving KC and Maria behind. Maria looked at her and shrugged, then ran after Emma.

  “Shit.” She rubbed her face with both hands, then pushed them through her hair. So far it’d been a bang-up day.

  Lonnie glared at her through the window, and KC debated getting back into her car and driving away. What was there to say to Lonnie? Sorry, but I can’t be your fuck toy anymore. A few more missed dates and she’d have that message loud and clear.

  “How you doing?” Kendall asked quietly. She’d joined KC on the sidewalk.

  “Not great.” She turned away from Lonnie to face her sister and found Kendall staring Lonnie down.

  “You don’t have to look at her like that. This isn’t her fault.” KC figured she would always feel the need to defend Lonnie. It was an old habit that didn’t show signs of breaking any time soon.

  “The hell it’s not. She crossed a line. She doesn’t deserve to get off scot-free.” Kendall was righteously angry, which had sharpened her tongue.

  “Probably not, but I’m not asking you to punish her. That’s not why you’re here.”

  “Doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” Kendall continued to glare at Lonnie.

  “Well, the way you’re looking at her probably has her scared to the point of running.” KC doubted it. Lonnie, just like any other God-fearing Texan, wasn’t about to run from anything.

  “Good.” Kendall loosened her stance and looked at KC for the first time since the conversation began. “Ready to tell me what’s going on with Emma?”

  “I kissed her.” The words slipped out and a rush of relief filled KC. It felt good to let the truth about Emma breathe life in the real world. When she’d told Kendall about Lonnie, she immediately wanted to take the words back, to squash the reality from growing stronger. But with Emma she was left with a strong urge to say it again, to as many people as possible.

  “You kiss her all the time.” Kendall shrugged. Sometimes she’d act dense to get the other person to ’fess up. This was most likely one of those times.

  “This was different. I didn’t want to stop.”

  “Oh.” Kendall smiled her I knew it smile.

  “Yeah, oh. And now I’m confused as hell.” She kept saying she was confused because that’s what she should be feeling. In actuality, she hadn’t stopped thinking about Emma, and her thoughts had grown clearer with every passing minute. Emma was her life.

  “What’s confusing?” Kendall played her part of the good counselor. But it felt to KC like she was being humored.

  “Until last Monday, I thought things were great just the way they were. Emma was my best friend and Lon…I mean Mrs. Truvall and I were doing great. Now everything is…different.”

  “KC, you and Mrs. Truvall were never doing great.” Kendall shook her head. She looked ready to shake KC’s, too.

  “I know that now. But I put off talking to her and then things happened with Emma. And now Emma feels like she’s a replacement.”

  “Holy shit. You told Emma about Mrs. Truvall?” Kendall did a double take. “Seriously?”

  “I didn’t tell her. She already knew.” She smiled ruefully. “She’s smart like you.”

  “What a cluster fuck.” Kendall succinctly summarized KC’s love life.

  “Yep.” KC agreed whole-heartedly.

  “So why haven’t you talked to Mrs. Truvall?”

  “I’ve tried. She keeps putting me off.” For once, the delay hadn’t been on KC’s part. She’d sorted out what she needed to say Sunday night after Emma and Kendall had gone home. She’d called every day, starting Saturday before she left Austin. After too many days of hearing not today, sugar, she’d given up on seeking permission. She’d called Kendall to come with her as support, and now she just needed to follow through.

  “Is she expecting you today?”

  “No. I just can’t wait anymore,” KC said.

  “Jesus, KC.” Kendall shook her head. “Are lesbians always this dramatic?”

  She smacked Kendall in the shoulder. “Don’t be a dick.”

  “Okay, sorry. But seriously, you need to take a deep breath.”

  “I know.” She inhaled for show and then said, “It’s time. Wish me luck.”

  Kendall hugged her and whispered, “I’m right here if you need me.”

  Kendall returned to the car and KC went inside. Lonnie was sitting behind her desk and didn’t rise to greet KC. Per the usual, she’d closed the blinds to her office.

  “Sugar, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Lonnie’s smile was mechanical.

  KC opened the blinds and waved at Kendall, then took the seat opposite Lonnie. “We need to talk.” Her heart pounded in her throat like it had her first day of student-teaching. She’d been so nervous she’d thrown up in the bathroom at the school. But once she’d started talking, she’d been okay. She hoped this proved to be a similar experience.

  “Do we now?” Lonnie leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs.

  KC paused to collect her thoughts. The last time she and Lonnie were alone in this office, she had Lonnie bent over the desk in a very unladylike position. She gave the memory room to wander through her mind, to see if it awoke any impulse to repeat the event. It didn’t. For the first time, she was certain she could do this.

  KC smiled gently and said, “It’s about time, don’t you think?”

  Lonnie leaned forward, fingers pressed against the polished surface of her desk. “No, I really don’t.”

  “We can’t keep doing this.” KC kept going despite Lonnie’s resistance.

  “Why not?” Lonnie asked in an even, measured tone. Her face was strained.

  “We’ve been careless. Too many people know.” That wasn’t the only reason, but it was a good place to start.

  “So we’ll be more careful.” Lonnie folded her hands in her lap like it was all decided.

  “Kendall knows.” KC shook her head. “What if she tells my mama?”

  “She won’t. If she were going to, she would have already done it,” Lonnie said defiantly.

  “You don’t know that. That’s taking an awfully big gamble.” KC couldn’t believe how willingly she’d risked her family’s trust. “Don’t you even care about what she’d think?”

  “Of course I care, KC. She’s my friend. But I’m not ready to give you up.”

  KC heard the word yet at the end of the sentence even though Lonnie left it unsaid.

  “And what happens when you are? Then we can end it? And to hell with what I want in the meantime?”

  “Don’t be silly.” Lonnie waved her hand dismissively.

  “What about Glen?”

  “You leave him out of this.” Lonnie was angry.

  “How? Lonnie, you told Leann. It’s only a matter of time until he finds out. Until everyone finds out.”

  “What is this really about? You haven’t given two shits what anyone else will think for the better part of a year. Why the sudden streak of conscience?”

  “Maybe I’m growing up.”

  “Is this about Emma? I see the way that girl looks at you. I swear—”

  “It’s not. It’s about me.” She was tired of trying to be soft with her message. Lonnie wasn’t hearing any of it and KC was done. “It’s not about Mama, or Glen, or Leann, or Emma, or any other person we can think to toss in the mix. It’s about me. I don’t
want to do this anymore.”

  “Well, why the hell not?” Lonnie looked flabbergasted. “We have a good time. What’s the problem?”

  “Lonnie, I hate the way you make me feel. Like I’m a toy for you to play with, but nothing more. I’m supposed to drop everything and come running the second you call, but when I call, you are never available. I’ve been trying to see you for days and all I hear is no, no, no. I’m tired of it, Lonnie. Just plain tired. It’s not right.”

  “KC, sugar, don’t be rash. We can work something out.”

  “What? What can we work out? I’m done.” She shook her head and stood. “There’s nothing left to say.”

  “Wait.” Lonnie stood but didn’t round the desk. “Please don’t go.”

  “Why? You don’t love me. Why are you holding on so hard?”

  “Don’t tell me how I feel. You have no idea.” Lonnie looked on the verge of crying.

  “You’re right. I don’t.” Talking about Lonnie’s emotions was a dangerous place to go. It always led to KC putting herself second to what Lonnie wanted. “But I know how I feel. And I don’t want this anymore.” Their entire relationship had been founded on deceit and secrecy, and the thought of her eager participation made her sick to the stomach.

  They had so much more to discuss, but she needed to get out of that office. Lonnie wasn’t going to disappear from her life just because she said the words it’s over. They went to the same church, sat at the same table for Sunday dinner. Their families picnicked together in the summer and sang carols together in the winter. They were intrinsically linked, and nothing KC said today would unbraid that cord. She said none of this Lonnie. They could sort out the details later.

  “Good-bye, Lonnie.” KC walked away.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “KC, get off that damned computer and come help Mama,” Kendall yelled from the pantry. She’d arrived thirty minutes ago and hadn’t stopped issuing commands since.

  “Leave your sister alone, she’s working.” Her mama scolded Kendall, and KC had to give her mama props. She knew how to keep her family in line. Kendall might be preparing to take over the role, but Evelyn Hall wasn’t ready to relinquish the title of matriarch just yet.

  KC, Trina, and Buddy had been at their family home since early that morning. They’d been commandeered for a day of spring-cleaning. So far they’d shampooed the carpets, polished the family silver and china, cleaned the crystal chandelier in the formal dining room, cleaned the blinds, and dusted the crown molding. Her mama showed no signs of slowing, but KC was exhausted so she’d excused herself when they moved into the kitchen and pantry. It was time to take stock of what needed to be canned and preserved this season, and that couldn’t be done without thoroughly washing the empty jars and organizing the existing inventory. Her mama took feeding her family seriously.

  By rights, KC should be at her place, rather than at her family home. It was the end of finals week and she was up to her ass in grading essays. But she was going stir-crazy at home trying to keep her mind off Lonnie and Emma. Lonnie because she knew that even though she’d finally done the right thing and ended their relationship, it could all blow up in her face if the wrong person found out. And Emma because the longer she went without seeing her or hearing from her, the more certain she was that she’d blown her chance before she even knew she wanted it. And God did she want it.

  Emma haunted her thoughts nonstop. She’d pour herself a cup of coffee and remember that Emma liked hers with cream and a bit of cocoa. A poor man’s mocha, she called it. She’d change for bed and picture Emma in a baby-doll nightie and then feel guilty about objectifying her. But instead of banishing the image, her guilt would take a backseat to her lust as she mentally dressed Emma up in the entire Victoria’s Secret catalog. She graded an essay about car safety and worried that Emma’s Mini wasn’t large enough to protect Emma from injury. Her mind was on an all-Emma-all-the-time loop.

  Her compromise to satisfy her need to help her mama and still complete her work was to show up early in the morning and work most of the day. Then she brought out her laptop and graded papers. She’d stationed herself at the newly buffed and shining mahogany table, which glowed beneath the sparkling chandelier she’d spent an hour polishing. It took forever to wipe down every facet of every leaded crystal teardrop hanging from the monstrous thing. Thank Jesus her grandma and grandpa hadn’t had a formal dining room with requisite gaudy ceiling lighting, or she would be forced to do the job twice each year instead of just once for her mama.

  “Seriously, loser, get off your computer and come help.” Kendall used language KC hadn’t heard from her since high school.

  “What is this? 2002?” KC stuck out her tongue without looking up from her computer screen. “Get off my ass. Nobody complained when you skipped out this morning because you had to work.”

  “KC, language!”

  Kendall smirked.

  “Sorry, Mama.”

  KC made it through a good two-thirds of the essays before their next interruption. Her mama, along with Kendall and Trina, joined her in the dining room. Her mama set a plate filled with a sandwich and some chips next to her laptop. Kendall, Trina, and her mama had similar meals.

  “Eat.” Her mama nudged the plate.

  KC saved her work and closed her laptop. “What about Daddy and Buddy?”

  “Your daddy took Buddy to get a burger,” her mama said.

  That was good news. She’d been worried about how Buddy was adjusting without the constant presence of Jackson in his life. Children needed a man to look up to. Her daddy was a good man.

  “Great.” She took a bite of her sandwich and considered their shifting family dynamics. When she was little, her daddy went to work every day and came home tired. He provided for his family but left the raising of his children to his wife. She couldn’t remember him ever taking one of them for a burger alone. “What brought that on?”

  “I asked Daddy to spend more time with Buddy.” Trina stared at her sandwich as she spoke. “He agreed it was a good idea.”

  “Owen is going to take him and Winston for some boy bonding once a week as well,” Kendall added. Spending time with Kendall’s husband and son, his Uncle Owen and cousin Winston, would be time well spent for Buddy.

  “Has Jackson asked to see him?” KC felt out of touch despite sharing the house with Trina. They divvied up household chores and KC helped with Buddy whenever she could, but the two of them never really talked.

  “I haven’t said a word to Jackson.”

  “He hasn’t called or anything?” KC didn’t want Jackson coming around, but she still couldn’t believe he’d gone more than a week without checking on his wife and child.

  “He told Owen he’s trying to give Trina her space,” Kendall said.

  “What does that even mean?” her mama asked. “You young people always need your space. It’s foolishness, if you ask me.”

  “You think I should have stayed?” Trina asked quietly. Their mama’s approval was important to all three of them, but more so to Trina as the baby of the family.

  “Katrina, honey, I said no such thing.” Her mama patted Trina’s hand. “I think you girls should have come to us and let your daddy handle this. He would have put a stop to it right quick.”

  “Or he would have made it worse.” Kendall didn’t mince words, not even to protect her daddy’s ego.

  “Yes, I guess that’s possible, too. But right now he’s feeling like he should have done something. It hurts a man’s pride to not be allowed to protect his daughters.”

  “You raised us to take care of ourselves.” Unlike Kendall, KC was reluctant to disagree with her mama. But they were raised to be self-sufficient, to not ask for help when they could do for themselves. She considered it an asset.

  “Yes, I guess I did.” Her mama looked like she wanted to say more, but held herself back. KC could only imagine the guilt she and her daddy were feeling after finding out how badly things had declined between
Trina and Jackson.

  “Well, we’ll be forced to talk about it soon. Kendall filed a restraining order for me at the courthouse yesterday. Jackson was served this morning.”

  “At work?” It was a small town. Even though KC wanted to personally torture Jackson in severe and creative ways, she couldn’t imagine the humiliation of being handed court papers while surrounded by work colleagues. If that happened, the gossip would come back to land on Trina as well. She was already fragile. She didn’t need to be pushed any further toward the edge.

  “No. Before.”

  “Your daddy said Jackson never made it in to work today,” her mama said.

  Jackson, for his notable flaws, was a hard worker. KC had to give him that. To her knowledge, he’d never missed a day of work save when Buddy was born. “Wow.”

  “I just don’t want to take any chances.”

  They ate in silence. KC chewed carefully, thankful for once that she didn’t have to carry the conversation. She hadn’t known what would happen between Trina and Jackson, but had figured she might go back to him at some point. She’d been so wrapped up with Lonnie and Emma she hadn’t really considered that Trina and Buddy might be a long-term addition to her home. A restraining order wasn’t permanent, but it set some clear boundaries and gave a good indication of where Trina’s thoughts were headed.

  “We should switch rooms.”

  “What?” Trina sounded surprised.

  “That way you’ll have more room for the crib. It’s only fair.” Logistically it made good sense.

  “KC…” Trina swallowed hard and her eyes shone. She was trying hard to keep hold of her emotions. “I’ve already put you out. I won’t take your bedroom, too.”

  “Don’t be silly. You’re already cramped in that small bedroom. There’s no place for the baby.”

  “She has a good point.” Kendall spoke slowly, like she wanted to convince Trina but knew a full-on charge would only cause her to dig in further.

  “It’s KC’s house,” Trina said firmly.

  “Bullshit.” That was the second time KC had sworn in front of her mama, and she would surely pay for it later, but for now her mama sat quietly and let her girls sort out their disagreement. “We all know Grandma left me the house because she thought I was the only one who’d need it. Kendall was already married and you were well on your way. I needed a stabilizing factor in my life, and her house was it. It’s as much yours as mine and you know it.”