Life on Pause

by Erin McLellan

  A girl sitting with her mother asked about using fire and smoke to communicate, and Rusty wished he could concentrate on Niles’s answer. It was surely very thoughtful and informed. But he couldn’t focus. His heart was pinging around too violently in his chest, and his stomach was twisting like a pretzel. He felt fuzzy and dazed, like the wind was rushing too loudly in his ears.

  Like a storm was brewing in his chest.

  He wanted Niles. He didn’t want to give him up. He didn’t want this to be the end.

  This wasn’t right. This separation between him and Niles had never been right, but he’d misread that unsettled, sick feeling in his heart as simple sadness or disappointment or anger before. But it wasn’t. It was proof that their breakup, their lost friendship, was a mistake.

  He loved Niles, and he needed Niles to know it.

  Niles finished answering all the kids’ questions and received a rousing round of applause. Then the audience started dispersing from his station, and he used a bucket of water to douse his fire. Rusty turned to speak to Victor only to catch him sneaking away. He was walking backwards and flipping Rusty an insolent wave and a deadly smile.

  Man, Rusty hoped that someone, one day, would give Victor a taste of his own medicine. He deserved to be turned totally upside down.

  Niles was alone now in his demonstration area. Most of the audience had moved on or were mingling and paying Niles absolutely no mind. Rusty slowly approached him.

  “That fire smells like manure, right? Or is it in my head?” Rusty said by way of greeting, because he was a mess and obviously really good at prickly situations involving ex-boyfriends.

  Niles was nice enough to give him a courtesy laugh, but he wouldn’t quite meet Rusty’s eye. “What are you doing here?”

  Rusty considered lying, but wasn’t sure it would be helpful at this point. Their situation couldn’t get much more twisted. “Todd tricked me. Victor was in on it.”

  “Ah. How swell. Don’t stick around on my account.”

  Some of the light in Niles’s eyes flickered out, and Rusty couldn’t handle it anymore. He grabbed Niles’s hand and cradled it between his own.

  “Hey,” he started, but didn’t know what else to say.

  “My hands have dried bison shit on them, Rusty.”

  He gave an alarmed laugh and let go of Niles with one hand to inspect his palm. “I forgot.”

  “How could you forget? It’s all I can think about,” Niles said.

  “I don’t know … I wanted to hold your hand.”

  “Regardless of the manure.”

  “Yeah, Niles. Jesus Christ.” Niles finally smiled, and Rusty laughed again.

  But then Niles pulled his hand back, and that micro-rejection hurt like someone had slashed a knife across Rusty’s chest.

  “I’m sorry,” Rusty said, trying to put as much meaning into those two words as possible, but Niles ignored his apology.

  Instead, he bit out. “Do you know what time it is? I don’t have a historically appropriate watch, and I left my iPhone in my office. Since people didn’t have cell phones in the early 1900s, I’m not supposed to carry it.”

  “Uh, yeah.” Rusty glanced at his phone. “It’s almost eleven thirty.”

  “I’m going to take my lunch break.”

  “Oh … Okay. Well, I—I mean—I’ll leave you to it then, I guess,” Rusty stuttered out, stumbling over his words, all of his earlier bravado and determination petering out like a doused flame.

  Niles stared at him like he was inspecting a confusing and distasteful crime scene. After a couple of seconds, he huffed and rolled his eyes. “Wanna come with me? I was going to get one of those huge cinnamon rolls and take it back to my office.”

  “I’d love to.”

  Niles was going to murder Victor. If his best friend was going to play matchmaker, the least he could have done was warn Niles. Instead, Niles had been totally shocked to see Rusty, looking all hot and masculine and hipster-y.

  After they had both washed their hands and Niles had checked in with Janice, they started the long trek to the administration buildings on the far side of the Homestead. They would be far away from the festival, which was good. Niles already felt like he’d been dragged over hot coals after too many concerned glances and awkward hugs and motherly arm pats. Word must have travelled quickly about his father’s prognosis because by 10 a.m., he hadn’t been able to make it five yards without a dose of sympathy hitting him.

  And now he had to deal with Rusty Adams. Of course.

  Niles led Rusty through the long metal building, which was uninspiring and bland, and ushered him into his office. It was small and didn’t have a window—the building didn’t really have windows—but it was his. He technically wasn’t supposed to eat in there. It was a policy that had been created to prevent people from working through their lunch hour, but he would break the rules this once. It wasn’t like Janice was going to barge in and demand he move to the break room, and he certainly wasn’t in danger of doing actual work. Not with Rusty in there with him, smelling all good, like the sun and fancy soap.

  Niles placed the cinnamon roll on his desk between them and handed Rusty a fork in case he wanted a bite. But Rusty didn’t make a move toward the food, instead turning the plastic fork over in his hands again and again and gnawing on his bottom lip like the thing had offended him.

  Normally, Niles was the nervous one, and he liked feeling like he was finally in control—of this situation and his own emotions. He dug into the cinnamon roll with gusto.

  After a few minutes of silence, Rusty growled at him.

  Legit growled. Like angry-wolf-defending-its-territory growled.

  “What?” Niles said, startled.

  “Stop licking your fork like that.”

  “Huh? Oh.” The heat in Rusty’s eyes registered, and warmth flooded Niles. “The frosting is sticky,” he explained, and Rusty laughed a little helplessly.

  “Well, unless you want to fuck in your office, I’d suggest you stop. Or, like, stop being sexy about it.”

  “We’re not fucking,” Niles said, trying to fill his voice with strength. He probably just sounded like a guy trying to play the bad cop, but it must have worked because Rusty tipped his chin down, his cheeks flashing with splashes of pink. “Your whiplash is starting to piss me off.”

  “I know,” Rusty said, his voice low and sad with defeat. “Do you remember the day we met? When you were changing the tire on your car? You flicked a huge ugly cricket off my shoe. You didn’t even flinch. It landed on my shoe, you reached over like a badass, and flicked it away. It went sailing. And then you went back to changing the tire. Do you remember that?”

  “No,” Niles said. Rusty was staring at him like this was very, very important.

  “I think that moment changed my life.”

  “Um, okay.”

  “And now I’m at this weird fall festival called Cricket Plague Days.”

  Rusty continued to gaze at him, like it was a sign of some sort, but Niles was evidently not that good at finding meaning in random insect incidents.

  “I’m not following.”

  “Can I be honest?”

  Well, that sounded ominous. “I’d certainly prefer if you were,” Niles responded darkly.

  “I think I fell for you right at that moment. The cricket moment. Then we screwed everything up. Both of us made mistakes, but I was by far the bigger idiot. First, I acted like I wanted friends-with-benefits, which made you think I would never be fully invested in you. Then I lied, big time, about Todd. And then the whole angry-sex thing happened, and I feel so horrible about that, Niles. I hurt you at every turn, and I don’t know if you can forgive me. But I hope you can understand that I made all these mistakes because I was scared and hiding. Since we broke up, I’ve been hiding from you, in one way or another, and I’ve been telling myself it’s because it’s too hard to see you. Or because you hurt me. Or because we can’t be platonic. Or because I’m moving. But really,
I’ve been hiding from the fact that I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, and that is terrifying. I want you in my life, and not only as a friend. I want you by my side because I love you.”

  Niles dropped his plastic fork, and it bounced onto the floor, which was definitely not clean. Rusty handed his own over and kept talking.

  “So, yeah, I love you, and it’s scary as shit because it doesn’t fit my plan. It doesn’t fit the way I’ve made decisions for the last four years. I don’t know how to reconcile this relationship with you, which just freaking started, with my need to be close to my sister and Margo. They’re moving away, and every decision I’ve ever made would dictate that I follow. But how do I follow and leave you here? That’s going to break my heart and yours. I don’t know what to do.”

  Niles was going to hyperventilate. It was happening—his vision going blotchy and his breath thundering from him like he’d tried to run a marathon or do more than fifteen pushups.

  He stared at Rusty and tried to imagine what his parents would tell him to do in this instance. To let his guard down again? To take another chance? Or protect himself?

  “Um, well,” he stuttered and tried to take a deep breath. With his shaky inhale, he released the tight hold he’d been keeping on his own emotions, and happiness fizzed through him, like someone had shaken a Dr Pepper and let it loose in his chest.

  Rusty was worth it. He was worth this chance, even if it was scary. Even if Niles got burned.

  “I love you too,” Niles choked out. “And your weird thing for crickets. But not sure how that helps your dilemma there, Rusty.”

  Rusty laughed and ran his hands through his perfect hair until it stuck up in all different directions.

  “I’ve done my fair share of hiding too,” Niles continued. “But I’m not the same guy that fooled around with you and then hid from you for days. I’m not ever doing the casual-sex thing with you again—it hurts too much. But I promise I won’t bail on you if you want this to be real. And I know that doesn’t mean anything because I’ve bailed like a million times. I’m practically that Julia Roberts character who learns how she likes her eggs.”

  “Oh my God, what are you talking about?” Rusty was laughing so hard now he was pitched over slightly in his chair.

  “You know, the movie where she ditches a ton of weddings? And Richard Gere? Are you okay?”

  Rusty was struggling to breathe through his laughter now. Finally he said, “The way you chose to describe Runaway Bride is by saying it’s the one where Julia Roberts learns how she likes her eggs? I don’t think I could love you more than I do right now.”

  “That’s a really nice thing to say. But shut up. I’m not done.”

  Rusty reached for Niles and pulled him from his chair and into his lap. Niles thought about resisting, but Rusty’s hand in his was like a balm, and all of Niles’s resistance, all the fear and anger and self-preservation he’d filled his heart with, melted away.

  “Go on,” Rusty said against Niles’s neck after untying his bandana and letting it flutter to the floor.

  “Okay,” Niles said, breathlessly, seriously rethinking the rules about fucking in his office. “I’m not the same guy, and it’s not just because I’m promising not to run the moment it gets hard. I deserve better than what I’ve allowed myself. I’m a good person. I’m not unattractive. But I’ve let these insecurities that are, like, permanently tattooed on my brain rule me, and I’m not doing that anymore. I need to stop thinking you’re out of my league.”

  “Oh, sweetheart, you are literally my favorite person, and I am definitely not out of your league. You are so funny and kind and exciting. And you’re sexy as fuck. I hate that you’ve ever doubted yourself. I hate that I made you doubt yourself.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m not exactly king of self-esteem. There are a lot of other things that I need to come to grips with. My dad’s never getting better. I need to deal with that, and I haven’t yet. I need to create a home for myself—one that isn’t such an echo of what I’ve lost. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m working on me. And I hope that the me I’m creating is still the guy you want.”

  “I do. I want every piece of you. I want every reiteration of you. I want every verse.”

  “Ah, that was really sweet,” Niles whispered, worried he was going to start bawling. This was one rollercoaster of a lunch hour.

  “But it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve decided to move to Sapulpa in May.”

  “It’s November.”

  “Yeah. And?”

  “And it’s frankly the dumbest thing in the world to deny yourself, to deny us, a chance because you’re moving in six months. I mean, let’s get real. We could screw this thing up by January. I’ll try not to, but shit happens. In the meantime, we’d get to spend time together. We’d get to love each other.”

  “So your argument is that we could break up before May anyway, so why not?”

  Niles snuggled closer and laid his head on Rusty’s shoulder. “When you say it like that, it sounds bad.”

  “Yep, gorgeous. It does. What if we’re still together in May?”

  “Then we make an adult decision. We’re adults. I think we’re capable. We could do long distance, if necessary. I mean, are you really willing to put your whole life on hold and close yourself off completely for months? A lot can change in six months. The zombie apocalypse could happen. Or we could find out Hogwarts is real. Or you could change your mind and decide not to move. Would Jackie be mad at you if that happened?”

  “No. Jackie thinks I should stay in Bison Hills. When did you become so persuasive?” Rusty skimmed a hand down Niles’s back, touching every knot in his spine through his shirt and vest, and Niles allowed himself to believe this might actually work out. To believe in him and Rusty.

  “Since I had something to fight for, and I’m sorry I didn’t fight for you before,” Niles sat up so he could gaze directly into Rusty’s eyes. “I love you. We’re good together. And I think we’ll be great together once we each get out of our own way. But I can’t make this decision for you. I think you know what you want, and if it’s not me, if it’s not us, then okay. I’ll be okay, and so will you. But I hope you give us a chance.”

  “It is you,” Rusty said, his mouth suddenly much closer to Niles’s. “I want you. I want us to stop being such dumbasses.”

  At dumbasses, Niles closed the distance between them. He bit Rusty sharply on the bottom lip and laughed when he jumped.

  “I want you too. Forever, if possible,” Niles admitted, filling with confidence, his lips skimming across Rusty’s with every word. “I want you to meet my dad and for you to be with me when he dies. I want you to play my mom’s piano for me. I want to take you to powwows and go to a million of your choir concerts. I want to watch sci-fi shows with you for eternity. I want you. And even if it’s not forever, I want you for whatever amount of time we’re lucky enough to have. Capisce?”

  Now Rusty’s eyes were shiny and luminous too.

  “You cannot give me the most romantic speech in the history of ever and end it with ‘Capisce.’”

  Niles kissed Rusty, really kissed him, like it was his first and his last kiss, like the world was on fire. Like Rusty was the love of his life, and this kiss was the only way to tell him so.

  Five Months Later

  Niles turned his shitty Mazda into his driveway and was unable to stop the grin that stretched across his face. Rusty was waiting for him on the front porch, lounging back in a rocking chair with the twinkle lights they’d installed stretching above him and across the front yard.

  Niles had never seen a more welcoming sight, and he had a hard time believing he was lucky enough to experience it every single freaking day. He parked, jumped out of his car, and jogged to the porch, where he promptly tripped over his stupid cowboy boots. Running in his work costume was not an easy feat. He was hardly coordinated enough to run in his tennis shoes, which was why he went to spin class. Everything there
was stationary.

  Since Rusty had moved in, Niles had stopped changing into regular clothes after work. The chaps really turned Rusty on, and Niles wasn’t stupid enough to sacrifice the hot sex just so he wouldn’t look like a total weirdo driving his Mazda in his costume.

  Though he did get strange stares when he ran errands on the way home.

  Rusty helped him up and then hauled him into his lap. “Mmmm,” he murmured against Niles’s neck. “How was work?”

  “Good! My proposal to have Molly Lonelodge do Living History demonstrations twice a month was finally officially approved.”

  Molly was a young Seminole scholar and professor at the University of Tulsa, and her research was on the historical roles of Native American women. Niles had been working with her to incorporate pre-1880s Native American exhibits and presentations into the Living History of the Plains demonstrations. She’d already done several demos for them pro bono, including one where she’d demonstrated finger weaving, which was one of the most mesmerizing things Niles had ever witnessed. He’d presented a proposal to the Bushyhead Homestead Board of Directors to bring Molly on in a permanent capacity, which Niles thought improved the reach and scope of Bushyhead Homestead tremendously, and he was thrilled that it had been approved.

  “I am so proud of you.” Rusty kissed him lightly. “Your dad would have been proud too.”

  Niles ducked his head. It had been two months since he’d lost his dad, and it still felt like a hole in his chest every day. But he was glad his dad was finally free, that he was no longer suffering. Rusty had been such a rock through the whole thing, and what Niles appreciated most was that Rusty seemed to understand his need to talk about his parents. To tell their stories. To keep them at the forefront of his mind and heart. Rusty never shied from the topic or acted like bringing up his dad was somehow taboo now that he was dead.

  Niles bit Rusty’s ear, trying to distract from the sudden somber mood. “When are Jackie and Margo getting here?” Jackie and Margo were visiting for the weekend, and Rusty had been practically climbing the walls all week, he was so excited. “Do we have time to fuck? I could leave the chaps on.”