Life on Pause

by Erin McLellan

  Rusty groaned against him and palmed his ass. If nothing else, the last five months had been enlightening for Niles in the Sex Department. With capital letters. He’d learned that he liked to top as much as he liked to bottom, and Rusty liked to let him. Niles was pretty ace at topping now. It made him feel like a king.

  But he had also learned smaller, more important things, like how emotional sex could be when you loved someone. He’d learned that nothing was as mind-blowing or as intimate as watching Rusty’s face when he entered Niles’s body. He’d learned that when it wasn’t malicious, laughter made sex better, and that he needed Rusty there afterward, to hold him steady and keep him from falling apart.

  “They’re going to be here in fifteen minutes.”

  Niles tumbled off of Rusty’s lap and scrambled to the front door. When he turned around, Rusty was still sitting—all calm, cool, and collected—in the rocking chair.

  “Well?” Niles asked. “We better hurry.”

  “Come here, gorgeous.”

  Niles slumped back over to Rusty and crawled into his lap again. “Later? Once the girls are in bed?”

  “Later. I’m going to need a lot longer than fifteen minutes of you in those chaps.”

  “You promise?”

  “Cross my heart.”

  Rusty kissed him, a slow drugging kiss that made Niles forget that their special little oasis, their home, was about to be crashed by a child and Rusty’s nosy sister.

  After making out like teenagers for endless, unspoiled minutes, Niles pulled back and smiled. Rusty’s hair was messed up, and Niles’s neck was prickling from Rusty’s stubble. He was probably red from beard burn, but he didn’t care because it was perfect, this moment, like so many moments they’d had before. He wouldn’t trade Rusty’s smile or ridiculously impeccable hair or scruffy beard for anything.

  “What are you making for dinner?” he asked, happy as always to live with a man who not only liked to cook but also had lots of opinions about the food groups. Until Rusty had come into his life, Niles had subsisted on pizza, canned soup, and oatmeal.

  Now he ate a lot of vegetables. Rusty was big on vegetables.

  “Who says I’m making dinner?” Rusty replied with a playfully incredulous laugh.

  “You always make dinner, which is why we don’t eat ice cream and chicken strips every night. And I always do the dishes. And then we watch Yuri!!! on Ice and cuddle.”

  Rusty laughed for real this time and pushed Niles off his lap. “Here come Jackie and Margo.” At Rusty’s words, Niles glanced up to see Jackie’s SUV pulling into the driveway. Rusty smacked his ass lightly. “You should go change. Otherwise, Margo will want you to wear those clothes all night like last time.”

  Niles grinned at him, overwhelmed suddenly by the life they’d built together. By their little family and their little home. Rusty still hadn’t decided if he wanted to move to Sapulpa once the school year was over. Rusty worried that his sister and Margo needed him. But Niles knew that he and Rusty would be fine no matter what decision Rusty made. They would be together. They would make it work. Niles felt settled and secure for the first time in his adult life, not just in their relationship but also in himself. In the person he’d become.

  He was happy.

  “I love you, Russell Adams.”

  Rusty stood and tickled Niles’s sides lightly. “Yeah, yeah. I love you too. But we’re having grilled salmon and salad for dinner. I don’t care how sweet you are or how much you want fried food.”

  “I know you bought chocolate empanadas on your way home from school. I can smell them from here.” Niles smirked, blew a kiss over his shoulder at the love of his life, and then skipped into their house.

  Margo was only slightly less excited to see Rusty than he was to see her. If he were four-years-old, he would have been doing cartwheels. Instead, he simply grabbed Margo up in a huge hug and swung her around the porch.

  Her peals of laughter made heat burn behind his eyes. He’d missed Margo and Jackie like someone had taken one of his lungs.

  After he’d put Margo down, Jackie wrapped him a tight hug.

  “I’ve missed you,” she said in his ear.

  Niles came back through the screen door and onto the porch and Margo screeched, “Niles! Niles! I have something for you!”

  They all watched as Margo withdrew several sheets of paper from her backpack and handed them to Niles. Most of them were covered in an array of stickers with indecipherable scribbles.

  However, they were not indecipherable to Margo. She dragged Niles into the house, explaining her drawings to him.

  Before the screen door slammed shut behind them, Rusty heard Margo tell Niles, “This one is for you. And so is this one. But I drew this one for Uncle Rusty. And this one for Uncle Todd. But I made you the most because you do the best silly voices.”

  Rusty laughed and threw an arm around Jackie.

  “How is Todd?” Jackie asked carefully.

  Things with Todd had been interesting lately. Todd had seemed distracted and unhappy at work, but Rusty hadn’t been able to figure out what to do about it.

  “He’s still acting weird, but he’s going to come with us tomorrow when we go fishing at Lake Tenkiller.”

  Rusty wasn’t much of a fisherman, but Niles loved it. He’d assured Rusty that he’d clean any and all fish they caught. But the main reason they were going fishing was because Niles had really wanted to buy a pink strawberry-themed fishing pole for Margo.

  “That’s good. Margo will be happy to see him.”

  “Is she doing okay at school?”

  “Really good, actually. And the afterschool daycare is working out nicely. We miss you, but it’s going great.”

  “And the shop?”

  “It’s awesome. I’m making more money, and I’ve built up a decent client list. Then this week, a tattoo artist from Tulsa asked if I’d do the hair for some promos she is putting out. They want a rockabilly vibe. It’ll be so cool.”

  Rusty was glad Jackie and Margo were thriving in Sapulpa, but it was a little bittersweet as well. They didn’t need him, not like they’d used to, and that would always hurt a bit. But he was also so proud of Jackie, so happy for her.

  Jackie sat down in one of the rocking chairs and Rusty joined her. They gazed out across the front yard, and a pleasant warmth spread through his chest. He missed his sister and niece, but this was home. And he loved it.

  When Rusty’s lease had expired on his apartment at the end of December, Niles had floated the idea of moving in with him, even though Rusty hadn’t yet decided if he would move at the end of the school year. Niles had insisted that it would be silly for Rusty to go to an expensive month-to-month lease when he could simply move in with Niles until he made up his mind. It had seemed risky at the time, but Rusty had really wanted it. He’d wanted to spend as much time with Niles as possible. He’d wanted to merge their lives completely.

  The last few months had been tough for Niles with the loss of his dad, but even through that pain and heartache, Rusty had never been happier. He had a home now. Niles’s childhood home was theirs. It was a mix of their furniture and their belongings and their individual tastes. They both paid utilities and split the housework.

  Two days ago, Rusty had gone to bed and discovered a fan art poster Niles had bought on Etsy of James Edward Olmos as Admiral Adama from Battlestar Galactica hanging beside their dresser. Rusty had sat there and stared at it for ten solid minutes. It was perfect. It made the master bedroom feel like it was theirs. And he never wanted to leave.

  This was it for him. Niles was it for him, and wherever Niles happened to be, Rusty would follow.

  Hell, if Niles bought a poster of Starbuck, Rusty would probably propose.

  “You seem so happy,” Jackie said, pulling him out of his daydream.

  “I am.”

  “Good. So you’re not moving, right? Because that would be so fucking stupid.”

  “No, I’m not. This is home. For g
ood.”

  “That’s awesome, big brother. Does Niles know that, though? You’re sometimes really bad about telling him the important things.”

  Rusty laughed, but couldn’t deny it. He and Niles definitely needed to have a conversation.

  Niles came back out onto the porch with Margo on his hip. In the minutes they’d been inside by themselves, Margo had managed to decorate his eyebrows with tiny heart stickers.

  “Margo and I are positively starving,” he said very solemnly, and Margo nodded her head like the perfect dramatic actress she was.

  So Rusty led his amazing, strange little family back into the house he shared with the man of his dreams, and he cooked them a painfully healthy dinner that they all pretended to appreciate before stuffing themselves with chocolate empanadas.

  And later that night, after hours of games and laughter and too much junk food, Rusty kissed Niles in their bed like he was drowning. Like it was imperative for their mouths to be glued together, to be bound together. It was intense and urgent and the threat of tears rose in Rusty’s throat.

  “What’s gotten into you?” Niles asked. He didn’t seem particularly upset by the intensity, but was clearly dazed.

  “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t want to be away from you.”

  “Oh.” Niles nodded. He’d never pressured Rusty to make a decision about Sapulpa. He hadn’t ever asked him if he’d made up his mind. In fact, he’d sometimes said things like, “If you decide to move, we can meet in Tulsa and go to this musical,” or, “If you get a job in Sapulpa, I can see about getting my days off bundled together so it’s easier for me to visit.” His support and consideration awed Rusty.

  But now Niles wasn’t saying anything at all. He was staring at Rusty, his eyes glittering in the dark of the room.

  “I’m not moving to Sapulpa. Was that clear?”

  “Yeah, I got that. Are you sure? Because if you want to move, that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. It doesn’t mean we can’t make long distance work. We could work long distance like our bitch.”

  Rusty laughed and stripped Niles out of his T-shirt.

  “Do you want me to move away?” Rusty asked.

  Niles bit his lip and slipped his hands under Rusty’s shirt, touching his stomach, the spread of his ribs, and the breadth of his chest, which made Rusty feel loved and desired and horny as shit.

  But Niles still hadn’t answered his question. Rusty touched his cheek. “Be honest. Do you want me to move?”

  “Of course I don’t want you to move! I love coming home to you every day. I love having you here, breathing life into everything. But I would never stop you from leaving, either.”

  Rusty pulled back as it hit him how enormous and special Niles’s love was. How forgiving and compassionate he was. How solid. Niles wasn’t giving up, ever. He wasn’t going to run.

  And neither was Rusty.

  Rusty slid his fingers into Niles’s hair and held his face between his palms. Niles smiled lazily, seeming completely as ease. At peace.

  Rusty wanted to shake him up.

  “I want to have kids with you.”

  “What!” Niles sat up in alarm.

  “And marry you,” Rusty said, pushing him back down and pinning him to the bed.

  “Ohmigod! Rusty!”

  “I know. Now shut up. Take your pants off.”

  Rusty yanked off his own, but Niles didn’t move.

  “Take your pants off!”

  “I think you gave me a heart attack,” Niles whispered, staring at the ceiling. “Was that a proposal? Or like a statement of future plans?”

  “A statement of future plans. Trust me, babe. When I propose, you’ll know. I’ll key up some awesome sci-fi show, get a big bowl of ice cream and a Dr Pepper, and pop the question.”

  “That’s literally what we do every night,” Niles laughed.

  Rusty sunk his teeth into Niles’s shoulder. “Yep.”

  “Maybe, I’ll propose to you,” Niles said teasingly.

  “That would make me incredibly happy. I love you. Take your pants off.”

  “You take them off,” Niles chirped back, all sass.

  “Fine.” Rusty wrestled them off Niles and held Niles’s hands down against the sheets. “We’re going to have to skip the chaps. I’m too keyed up. Don’t want you to get out of bed.”

  “Okay, sure,” Niles said faintly.

  “I’m never going to leave, Niles Longfellow. You’re stuck with me. How do you feel about that?”

  “Like I just won at cards, or, I don’t know, bingo, maybe. Something fun.”

  “What? Bingo? That’s it?” Rusty laughed and sucked on his neck.

  “Sex Toy Bingo, then.”

  Then they were both laughing and kissing. Like having their lips against each other, like tasting each other’s laughter, was as essential as breathing.

  “I love you too,” Niles finally said, once they’d settled down and Rusty was pushing inside him, filling him completely. “I want to be stuck with you forever.”

  Rusty held Niles’s face in his hands and thrust into him like it was a promise. A promise to take care of each other. To live with compassion and understanding. And to never give up on the love that they each deserved.

  Like many places, Oklahoma has its own special character, which has been and continues to be shaped by its history. While Bison Hills is not a real place, other locations discussed in this book—Tahlequah, Sapulpa, Tulsa, and Oklahoma City—are real. Likewise, Bushyhead Homestead is not a real homestead museum but is modeled after several different museums throughout the Great Plains. I tried to portray the area and its history as accurately as possible, specifically as it relates to the forced relocation of Native American tribes, the allocation of those tribal lands to white settlers by the United States government through allotment and land runs, the dissolution of tribal governments when Oklahoma gained statehood, and the current tribal jurisdictional service areas.

  I used many sources while researching this work, but the Oklahoma Historical Society proved invaluable. Their website (okhistory.org) is a portal to both Indian Territory and Oklahoma history, with digitized newspapers from the 1840s to the present, including Native American newspapers; oral histories; film and videos; and encyclopedic articles about anything from Oklahoma folk life to farmers markets to tribal histories.

  Of course, any and all mistakes are mine and mine alone.

  Dear Reader,

  Thank you for reading Erin McLellan’s Life on Pause!

  We know your time is precious and you have many, many entertainment options, so it means a lot that you’ve chosen to spend your time reading. We really hope you enjoyed it.

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  Thank you so much for Reading the Rainbow!

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  Many thanks to Caz Galloway for being such an awesome editor, and to the wonderful team at Riptide Publishing for giving this story a home.

  To my family—thank you so much for the support and encouragement. Megan—thank you for being the best reader ever. Justin—thank you for all the laughs. And Mom—thank you for answering questions about being a choir director. You’re an amazing teacher, and you deserve to hear it every day.

  Controlled Burn

  Erin McLellan writes contemporar
y romance with characters that are complex, goodhearted, and sometimes a little quirky. She likes her stories to have a sexy spark and a happily ever after.

  Erin has a bachelor’s degree in creative writing from Oklahoma State University and a master’s degree in library and information studies from the University of Oklahoma. A former public librarian, Erin still enjoys being surrounded by books and readers, but now she hopes to find her stories on the shelves as well.

  Originally from Oklahoma, she currently lives in Alaska with her husband and spends her time dreaming up love stories set in the Great Plains. She is a lover of chocolate, college sports, antiquing, Dr Pepper, and binge-worthy TV shows.

  You can find Erin online at:

  Website: erinmclellan.com

  Twitter: twitter.com/emclellanwrites

  Instagram: instagram.com/erinmclellanwrites

  Facebook: facebook.com/erinmclellanwrites

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