by Mary Smith
My mouth is hanging open as Caryn hands her a tissue to clean her face. My niece thinks she caused this pain, and it is not true. It’s the furthest thing from the truth.
“Janan, are you ready?” Caryn asks her.
“May I?” Janan points to the coffee table in front of us. “May I sit there to face him?”
“Of course.” Caryn nods.
Janan moves to sit there and pulls a paper from her shoulder bag on the floor. “I wrote this in a letter form, so it may not be the most eloquent.”
“It’s alright, Janan. Just speak from your heart.” Caryn encourages her.
My daughter smoothes out the paper on her thigh and holds it tightly. She gives a quick flash of a small smile and begins to read.
“Dear Daddy, first I want you to know I love you. You’re my father and the only man I know I can look up to with admiration and love. You taught me how to be a hard worker and keep my nose clean. You taught me to be true to myself no matter who I piss off.” She takes a deep breath. “But for a long time I was mad at you.”
I stop breathing.
“I was mad because you didn’t get us away from that bitch. You left us to go traveling with the team, and we had to protect ourselves and clean up from the bitch’s drinking. If it hadn’t been for Nova’s cooking, I’m sure there would have been days we would have not even eaten because the bitch drank so much. Do you know how many nights I cried myself to sleep? I hoped and prayed you would get fired from the PHL so you could get a job that kept you home more and you could protect us. It was never Nova’s fault. It was mine. I shouldn’t have talked back to the bitch or called her names to set her off more. I should have been a better daughter. As I got older, I realized why you stayed. For some sick, twisted reason you loved her. I don’t understand it, but I’m not you.”
Tears burn my cheeks as they roll away from my eyes.
“Daddy, I want you to know now I’m not mad at you. I’m not. I love you and you did the best you could for me and Nova and we thank you. Please don’t be mad when I say I’m glad she’s dead. Because if she were alive today, I’m not sure one of us would be.”
She folds the paper and looks down at her hands. Nova is sniffling as is Janan.
“Taden.” Caryn gains my attention. “Is there anything you’d like to say to the girls?”
I reach for a tissue and wipe my face. I scoot to the middle of the couch and take Janan’s and Nova’s hands in mine.
“Neither of you had anything to do with the way Sharon became. Never, ever think it’s your fault because it’s not. One hundred percent it’s not.” I squeeze them tightly. “I should have been there to protect you both. I should have done more to get Sharon the care she needed. I tried rehab and even though it worked for a little bit, I’m sorry I didn’t leave as I said I would with you girls.” I turn to Janan, who’s staring at me. “You have every right to hate me, and I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest. I failed you as a father and a man. I’m meant to protect you, and I couldn’t do it.”
Nova and Janan both hug my neck.
“You did protect us as much as you could.” My daughter sobs.
“You are the best man we know,” Nova adds only making me cry with them harder.
I’m not sure how long we held each other. Hell, it could have been all day, but I didn’t want to let them go. I wanted them to know I’m there for them. I’ll do everything to protect them.
“You both are the only things I’m proud of in my life. Nothing else. Only you two.” I kiss both of their heads, still holding them close to me.
Finally, we let go of each other. All of our faces are blotchy, eyes bloodshot, and my shirt soaked with makeup, but I don’t care.
“I love you, Uncle Tad.”
“I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, girls.”
CARYN SUGGESTED ANOTHER family session for us next week. The girls asked to go home and I took them, even though I didn’t want them out of my sight. I head to the condo and wait for the deliveries of my items today.
Once they all came I spent the rest of the day, cleaning and arranging everything. I texted my address to Macy, in case she finished her meeting earlier. I made sure I was ready, just in case it did happen.
About five o’clock my buzzer rings. “Hello?”
“Taden, it’s Macy.”
“Come on up.” I push for the door to release and open it for her to come up.
She smiles as she comes off the elevator and down to the end of the hall to me. She’s in dark pants and a purple top. Her hair is in a high bun and she’s pushed her sunglasses on top of her head.
“Hi.” She beams.
“Hi.” Her smile is contagious, and I even kiss her cheek as she comes in.
“Wow, what a great place.” She looks around. “It’s so you.” She sets her purse down and removes her sunglasses.
“Want the tour?”
“I’d love it.”
Of course it’s not a long tour. I show her the spare room I’m turning into an office and the other as a media room. I know I wanted it for the girls, but I can change it if they ever need to move home. It’s a quick show of the bedroom and living room before I offer her a glass of wine when we make it to the kitchen.
“What do you think?”
“It’s fabulous, Taden. Really. How are you enjoying it?”
“I’m loving it actually. Do you know this is the first time I’ve ever lived on my own?”
“Really?” She sips her wine and leans against the kitchen counter.
“I went from home to college where I had roommates. Then I got married and moved in with Sharon and now…” I point around the room. “Here.”
“But you’re happy and that’s what matters most.”
“It does.” I smile and sip my wine. I’m about to ask where she wants to go for dinner when my front door opens.
“Daddy, Nova and I brought you—” Janan turns the corner into the kitchen with a crockpot in her hand. “Um…”
Nova comes up behind her and she’s just as wide-eyed. “Hi.” She’s holding a large bowl of something and has a grocery bag hanging from her wrist.
“Ah… hi, girls.” I glance at Macy and then the girls. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, we felt bad about today and Nova made us pork barbecue and coleslaw. We thought we’d come have dinner.” Janan sets the pot on the counter. “Hi, I’m Janan, Taden’s daughter.”
“I’m Macy, your father’s friend.”
Nova puts the bowl and the bag down. “I’m Nova.”
“Nice to meet you.” Macy flicks her eyes over at me, and she’s unsure of what to do.
“I guess we should have called.” Nova looks around the room.
“We’ll just leave.” Janan steers Nova around.
I feel bad because we’ve had such an emotional day.
What will happen?
“Wait.” I stop them both. “Why don’t we all have dinner together? Macy, do you mind?”
“No, I love barbecue.” She smiles. “If you girls don’t mind me staying, I’d love to.”
Janan and Nova look at each other for a second and both nod.
“Great idea.” Janan grabs the bag and pulls out the buns and chips.
The four of us begin to move about the kitchen grabbing plates and glasses, and Macy is right next to us helping along the way.
We all sit around the kitchen table and there’s silence in the beginning before Macy speaks up, “Nova, this is delicious. Taden told me you’re the cook of the family.”
“I am. I’ve always liked it.” She smiles. “What do you do?”
“I work in marketing for a pharmaceutical company.”
“That sounds boring.” Janan pipes in.
Macy softly laughs. “At times, it’s terribly boring, but I’m in charge now so it makes it a little more fun.”
“Being in charge is fun.” Janan smirks.
Macy and the girls go on to talk about
college classes and majors. I had told Macy a little bit about the girls, so it was enough for her to build on a conversation with them. It seems they’re getting along.
Nova and Macy do the dishes as Janan and I clean up the kitchen and put away the leftovers. The girls say their goodbyes, and I tell Macy I’m going to walk them to the elevator.
“Daddy, she’s nice,” Janan confides to me as we wait in the hall.
“I agree. She seems to really like you as well.” Nova puts in her opinion.
“Thank you, girls. I’m glad you enjoy her company. We’re just friends.” I remind them.
“She wants to be more than friends.” Janan pokes my side, laughing.
“Thank you for letting me know.” I hug them both, kissing the top of their heads. “Love you both so much.”
“Have fun.” Janan waves her fingers as they step into the box.
I simply shake my head. “Goodnight, girls.” I wait for the doors to close before going back to my place. “I’m sorry they just showed up. I’d given them a key.”
“You don’t need to explain it to me. I should be apologizing since I crashed their dinner with you.” She sits on the couch tucking her legs under her. “They’re great girls. Just like you described.”
“We had a rough day today.” I sit next to her.
“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking.” She rests a hand on my chest and curls up next to me.
I trust Macy and tell her about what the girls said today. I even go into depth about my therapy sessions as well. I don’t know why I told her every single detail, but my heart just pours itself out right there on the couch in my condo.
“Taden.” There’s a sorrowful tone. “You three have survived so much. It’s amazing to me.”
“Not quite the date you were expecting, huh?” I half joke with her.
“It’s perfect. I told you I cared about you and wanted more. I don’t mind going slow. I enjoy your company more than anything.” She kisses my cheek. “You’re a great man, Taden Long.”
I kiss her lips and feel my stomach flutter with anticipation of what the rest of the night will bring. “Stay the night.” It’s not a question.
“I’d love to.”
MIKE, KEVIN, CONNOR and I meet up at the office and go through our draftee list in more detail. Nathan and Teo emailed me yesterday and told me they found an apartment together for the offseason, near a gym and an ice arena. I think those two are something special and are going to lead us to greatness. Alden is one I decided to keep my eye on more closely. He’s heading back to Montreal for the offseason and I’m already hearing stories about his late night partying. The boy can’t seem to keep it in his pants.
“Alden is on the cusp of being shipped out,” Connor informs us. “I don’t need a bad boy on this team. I need someone to put up numbers.”
“Who else is on your list to trade off?” I ask.
Connor pulls up a list on his laptop. “Jarvis Richter, Walker Lange, Shade Wooten, Bas Zorn and Vance Pemberton.”
I sigh. “That’s a lot of names with a lot of talent.”
“What do you want me to do? We need more talent,” Connor says.
“I wouldn’t trade Vance or Bas. They’re young and we can easily mold them to the way we play. Jarvis is a pretty boy and brings in tickets. He’s almost as good as Hamilton in that department. Shade and Walker might be okay to lose, although, I hate to see it. Those two are great defensemen.” I give him my opinion.
“Taden.” Connor sits back in his chair. “Do you really think you can win a championship with the team we have right now?”
“Yes.” I guarantee without a blink of my eyes. “I bet we’ll make it to the playoffs next year.”
Connor chuckles. “We were dead last this year and you magically think we can make playoffs next year?”
“Mike, Kevin and I made detailed plans for each player for the offseason. We’ve already discussed the possibility of doing a mini-camp before training camp to see where the guys stand. I know these guys can do it.” I defend each of them.
Connor shakes his head and sighs. “I’ll make a gentleman’s deal with you then.” He leans closer to me. “I won’t actively seek trades this offseason and we’ll work with the draftee list we created. However, if a good trade falls into our lap I’m going to take it. But I’ll keep my word and not seek out any players.” He holds out his hand.
“Thanks, Connor.” I shake his hand. “I know we can do this.”
“Let’s hope, Taden. Let’s hope.”
I JOG AROUND the park one more time. This is my third lap. The May air is perfect today. Over the past two weeks, I’ve talked to Macy on the phone every day. She’s gotten word she’ll be transferred to Manchester by the time fall arrives, and I’m excited about it.
Janan has been on a vegetarian kick and we’re all eating healthy now. Even though I did sneak in a steak the other night when I had dinner with Edgar and Cabel. It was nice to be out with the guys. I’m still going to Caryn’s, but we’ve cut down to one appointment a week, unless I need more. I had a panic attack about four days ago when I watched a movie and saw a man being beaten up. The memories came flooding back to me, and I swore off all movies but zombies and 1980s sitcoms. They seem to be okay for me.
As I turn the corner, I see Hamilton jogging toward me. He seems to be lost in thought but stops when he realizes it’s me.
“Hey, Coach.” He pulls out his earbuds.
“Hamilton, how are you?”
“Good, just... um... keeping in shape.”
“You’re always working out, Hamilton.” I shake my head. “Are you heading home soon? To Alabama?”
“Actually, yes. I’m leaving in a couple of days.”
“Your brother found time to go fishing, huh?”
“Well, no, but Janan is the one who told me to go.”
I’m baffled for a second. “Janan? My Janan? Are you two talking again?”
“She called me but told me she didn’t want to talk to me anymore and preferred I get on with my life.” He shrugs. “So, I am.”
My heart breaks for the kid. “I’m sorry, Hamilton. I know how much you care for her.”
“No big deal, right? More fish in the sea.”
He’s lying out his ass.
“Have a good offseason, Coach. Don’t worry I’m going to stick to the plan you gave me.” He slaps my shoulder as he jogs away.
I really thought he and Janan would make it. I figured she’d call him and it would all work out. Apparently, I was mistaken. I can’t make them get together, but it’s okay. They’ll both figure it out themselves. I head back to my place and clean up from my run and then make my way to Caryn’s for my appointment.
We talk about work, mostly, and I’m glad it’s not all depressing talk, until Caryn decides to give me homework.
“What?” I furrow my brow. “Are you serious?”
“I gave the same homework assignment to the girls as well.”
“I don’t think I can do it.” My heart begins to race, and my palms sweat.
“You don’t have to do it today but sometime this summer.” She gives her hopeful smile to me, but I’m not buying it right now.
“Caryn, I... I don’t know.” I shake my head.
“If you can’t do it, then okay. But I’m asking you to try.”
I nod. “I’ll try.” I promise her.
When I leave the appointment I just drive around Manchester. I’m not going anywhere in particular, just wasting gas not wanting to go home. Mostly, I’m thinking about Caryn’s homework assignment for me. It’s the worst possible thing she could give me. My life is going so well. I don’t want to break the spell.
On its own accord, my car pulls up to the graveyard where Sharon’s buried. I didn’t mean to come here, but I’m here. I shut off the car, and I move myself to the section where she’s laid to rest.
Rest?
Is she resting in peace?
I walk through the lus
h green grass to where the headstone marks her grave. All it has on it is her name, the year she was born, and the year she died. Simple. Nothing major. I haven’t been here since the day she was buried. Hell, I’m not even sure the girls know where this place is because they haven’t come at all.
I bend down and wipe away a few of the grass clippings on the stone. Shouldn’t I be feeling something? Love? Hate? Something? I don’t feel anything as I stare at the gray stone.
“My therapist told me I should come out here and tell you how I’m feeling,” I say out loud to the ground. “But I’m not feeling anything right now.”
The wind lightly blows around me.
“What I should be feeling is anger? Anger for all those years of torture you put the girls and me through. All I ever wanted to do was love you and I did. I loved you with all my being. I tried so hard to make you see how good you were when you weren’t drinking, or yelling, or hitting us. Why couldn’t you see it? Why couldn’t you stop drinking and let us be a family again?”
I wait for an answer, but I know one’s not coming.
“Sharon, I fell for you the moment I saw you. You stole my heart and held on to it until now.” I take a deep breath and keep talking. “I will hold on to the great memories we did have, and I’ll learn from all the bad ones because they’re the ones that are helping me become stronger.” I look around hoping no one is here listening to me. “I met someone. She’s kind, caring to the girls, and really seems to listen to me. She makes me feel like me, a man, again. I wish you hadn’t spent so many years making me feel like shit.”
I push my hand through my hair and I close my eyes.
“I loved you, Sharon, and I’m sorry for how it all turned out, but I’m moving on now. I’m going to move forward with my life and not living in the past anymore. I am sorry, and I wish I had pushed harder to get to the bottom of whatever it was that made you, you.”
