Imperfectly Bad

by A. E. Woodward

  “I’m scared, Rob.”

  I popped my head up, determined to make things right. So I reached across the table and took her hands into mine. “Then don’t make the same mistakes again. Let me be there for you this time.”

  “But what about—”

  “No buts this time, Jenny. We’ll figure it out. Make it work for us however we have to. But please, I’m begging you, don’t shut me out again.”

  After everything we’d been through together, there was no doubt we had baggage, and lots of it, but deep down I knew that we needed each other. Somehow or another, Jenny needed me and I needed her. Mostly I couldn’t miss out on the second chance that was right in front of me. It was an opportunity to make things right, and I wasn’t about to let that slip through my fingers.

  “That’s not all,” she sighed. As hit after hit kept coming, making me feel like I didn’t know which way was up, I felt my determination melting away. Jenny Jenkins never made anything easy. That was the thing that had attracted me to her in the first place.

  “The wedding is tonight.”

  The air left my lungs as though I had been punched in the gut. Rage coursed through my veins, and all rational thoughts left my brain. Unable to see past her idiocy, I saw red.

  “Why are you even here!?” I screamed as I jumped from my chair, knocking it to the ground with a loud bang. Jenny flinched and cowered away from me. I pointed towards the door. “Go on. Go get married to the scumbag! I bet you don’t make it through the first year without him fuckin’ the maid!”

  Jenny started sobbing again and I immediately feel guilty. It was one thing to be angry, but to make a pregnant woman cry? Perhaps I wasn’t so different from Bradley after all. After all, I’d strung Layla along while playing out my feelings for Jenny. When you looked at it that way, I was just as much a dirtbag as he was.

  “I wanted you to know. For things to be different this time. I want you in my life—our lives.”

  As much as it pained me to be that person, I couldn’t take any more. Everything Jenny had ever done was for herself. There was no point in trying to convince me otherwise. Experience taught a hard lesson. She was stringing me along again, attempting to prove that she was still the alpha after all these years. That she could still control me. But I refused to lie down without a fight this time.

  “Don’t try to make it sound like you were doing me a favor. No. You want to have it all but you can’t, Jenny. I won’t let you. Now get the fuck out of my apartment!”

  She stood from her chair and solemnly made her way to the door. When her hand reached the knob she stopped and looked over her shoulder at me. “I’m sorry things got so bad between us.”

  I didn’t respond, choosing instead to watch her slink away, her shoulders slumped in defeat. Once she closed the door behind her I let out the words I had been holding back.

  “Me too.”

  After she left I sat at that fucking table for what seemed like hours. Completely frozen like a statue, just sitting, wasting away. Eventually I snapped out of my trance and extreme anger washed through my core.

  “What the fuck?” I muttered under my breath, still unable to comprehend what had just happened. I slammed my fists against the table and was immediately hit with a shooting pain in my arm.

  “Fuck!” I yelled, my voice resounding off the empty walls.

  Stumbling to my feet, I grabbed the chair I’d been sitting in and slammed it onto the floor. Whether it was the force of my throw, or the fact that it was a shit chair, I didn’t know, but the whole thing broke into pieces. Seeing the destruction in front of me, all the pieces broken beyond repair, I felt nothing but remorse. I was being a maniac.

  “You’re gonna have to buy us a whole new kitchen set now.”

  Startled, I turned to see Tyler standing in the front door, a look of pure shock on his face.

  Turning away from him I continued seething. “I’ll just but a new fucking chair, moron.”

  I heard the door slam behind me. “I’m texting Shane.”

  “Knock yourself out,” I called over my shoulder as I stalked away from him toward my bedroom. I didn’t have to stick around and listen to his bullshit.

  “Oh no you don’t,” he shouted after me.

  “Just leave me alone, Tyler.”

  “No fucking way, dude.”

  A large hand landed on my shoulder and he spun me around so I was staring straight at his chest. “You didn’t let either of us self-destruct on our own and we’re not about to let you do it either.”

  The anger and hatred within me was quickly subsiding as I plopped down onto my bed, and as I thought about Tyler’s offer to help my resolve to be pissed off at the world was slowly melting away. There may have been many, many things in my life that I wasn’t proud of, but I did have awesome friends, who cared about me and I really shouldn’t have to go through anything alone. Tyler was right. I’d been there for them when they needed me. I guess I should let them do the same.

  “Fine,” I finally bit out. “But I want to have a little time to myself first.”

  Tyler put his hands up and slowly backed out of my room. “You’re the boss, man. But when you’re up to it we will be right out here, ready and waiting.”

  I nodded just before Tyler pulled my door closed and I flopped backwards onto my bed and closed my eyes.

  With sleep still in my eyes I walked out to the kitchen, expecting to be met with the remnants of my temper tantrum. But to my surprise, it had been cleaned up. Shane and Tyler were sitting on the couch, each of them with a beer in hand, and a concerned look on their face.

  “I was starting to worry that you’d offed yourself,” Tyler said as he hopped up and grabbed a beer for me. With a hand on my shoulder he placed the can in my hand. “Come on, sit and relax with us.”

  Without so much as a word, I did as I was told and plopped down on the couch next to them and pretended to be interested in the game that was on the television screen. It was like I was surrounded by fog, drunk on my own emotions, and to top it all off I was confused as fuck. Jenny had dropped a bomb the size of Hiroshima and I was left looking to rebuild.

  You could cut the tension in the room with a knife as I took long silent pulls from my beer. Looking over at the guys, I noticed that they were staring at me their mouths slightly gaping. “What?” I asked, annoyed.

  “I’ve just… never seen you act like this,” Shane said.

  “Like what? Crazy? Out of touch with reality? Confused as fuck? Because I am all of the above, you guys. This is exactly why I didn’t do relationships. Feelings fuck things up.”

  Tyler nodded, but Shane wasn’t just taking my explanation lying down. Of course not, he always had to push the envelope.

  “Maybe so, but don’t you think you’ve avoided feelings for so long that you’re just struggling to cope with so many emotions at once?”

  “Don’t act like you have a clue, Shane, because you don’t.” I hopped to my feet and started to walk away.

  Shane followed. “Maybe I don’t, so tell me.”

  “Twelve years ago, fuckin’ Jenny gave a kid up for adoption—my kid—and now she’s pregnant again but she doesn’t know if it’s mine or Mr. Fuckin’ Wonderful’s, okay!”

  He stopped in his tracks and looked to Tyler whose jaw was hanging open, his eyes wide with shock.

  “Holy shit.”

  “I know, so forgive me if I don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life right now!”

  I crouched down and put my head in my hands, scrubbing my face in a vain attempt at clearing my head. “I went twelve goddamn years without any drama in my life. No relationship to fuck with my head, no girl. And now, well now I’ve got two.”

  “Life sucks, dude.”

  “No shit, Sherlock.”

  And just like that my hurt morphed into anger again. Blood boiled in my veins and I found it difficult to care about anything. I was exhausted trying to keep up with my own emotions. But I guess that was to b
e expected when your whole world was turned upside down. I flew back up to my feet and glared in his general direction.

  “Don’t be pissed at me, Rob,” Shane bit out. “I’m just trying to be a friend.”

  “Well don’t bother!”

  Tyler hopped to his feet, joining in on the fun. “What the—”

  Straightening my legs, I felt a jolt deep within me. My heart was pounding faster than it should. Fact of the matter was that although they wanted to act like they understood, they didn’t. They were just two pussy-whipped jackasses, trying to make me feel better about my situation. But there was no feeling better on the cards from me. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest knowing that I had a son somewhere out there.

  “Don’t. Fuckin’. Bother.”

  Without thinking about the crappy walls in this crappy apartment, my fist came flying out and straight through the plaster.

  “Jesus Christ, Rob.” Shane muttered as he backed away from me. “This is not you. You’re a good person, and an even better friend.”

  “Am I Shane?” I seethed as I walked closer towards him. I was raging and there was nothing I could do to stop it. “Am I a good person? A good friend?”

  “Yes, you are.”

  “Interesting because I’m pretty sure I fucked your mom at your wedding.”

  There was an audible gasp as Tyler sucked in air just before Shane launched himself at me. The force of his body on top of mine caused me to lose my footing and we fell to the ground. We tussled back and forth until I felt his weight being lifted off me. “You’re a sick fucker, Rob Ziviani!” Shane called out as he was pulled away from me.

  Tyler glared at me. “He’s fucking with you, Shane. Chill out.”

  “Am I though?” I wiped my lip, checking it for blood. “Am I just fucking around?”

  “You son of a bitch.”

  Shane made a move for me but Tyler tightened his grip and he wasn’t going anywhere. Tyler had that shit under control. I watched helplessly as my friends continued to glare at me. Why were they surprised? It was what I did—pushed people away when I needed them most.

  Fucked up? Sure.

  Why? I didn’t really know.

  Guilt washed over me and I choked back the tears that threatened. “I’m sorry, okay.”

  “Sorry for what?” Shane asked, anger still visible on his face.

  “I’m sorry for being a fuck up of a friend.”

  “So… you really did have sex with my mom?”

  Unable to admit to it out loud, I nodded. I wasn’t going to go into the gory details but I’d gone this far already, I might as well come clean with it all. I, Robert Ziviani, had had sex with my best friend’s mother at his wedding. She was lonely, and I was a dirtbag. The rest is history.

  “I dunno how it happened, but it did.”

  I looked over at Shane, trying to gauge his level of anger, but it was no use. His face was a blank slate, void of all emotion.

  “I was fuckin’ sad, okay! I did what I do best, and I numbed the ache in my chest the only way I know how. There! You happy? I said it!”

  Tyler looked anxiously back and forth between us, unsure of what was about to happen—which was understandable because I didn’t know either. I breathed a sigh of relief when the atmosphere was broken by Shane batting Tyler’s hands away. He stood up straighter, and fixed his hair.

  “You.” He paused and pointed at me. “You, my friend, are a goddamn mess.”

  “No shit.”

  “I can’t believe you… and my mom…” Shane curled his lip in disgust.

  “Mrs. Strout has aged incredibly well—” Tyler began, but stopped when he caught sight of Shane’s ill-concealed anger, directed at him. “Okay.” Tyler put his hands up in surrender. “We’re obviously not at the joking stage yet.”

  “I’m just gonna ignore this right now,” Shane said as he made his way back into the living room.

  Curious, I followed him. “You are?”

  “I am. And I’ll tell you why.” Shane grabbed his beer and took a swig. “Because the only reason you’re bringing this up is to divert the attention away from the real problem.”

  “Which is?” I led, wondering where he was going.

  “You, and your fickle heart.”

  I stopped in my tracks. I hadn’t really thought of it like that, but it made sense. Shane had pegged me just like that. “Holy…”

  Tyler stopped at my side and nudged me with his shoulder. “He’s creepy good, isn’t he?”

  “Seriously.”

  I was in awe. Shane was the master of the mind fuck domain.

  Once I got over myself, and the shock of course, I went back to discussing the real problem. The fact that I was in love with two girls, and to make matters all the more confusing one girl was knocked up. And even worse, baby in question could be mine. Or it could be someone else’s.

  “So what are you gonna do?” Tyler asked.

  “I dunno.”

  Shane, still not entirely back to his usual self, looked at me and spoke up. “What does your heart say?”

  “That I’m in love with them both.”

  “Well, I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t work like that. There can only be one ‘The One.’”

  “But how do I know which one?”

  “Think about it, you’ve loved them both at different stages of your life. While you yourself were a different person. So, Rob, who do you love now. And which of the two could you love every day, for the rest of your life?”

  The answer hit me like a sledgehammer in the gut. I knew who loved me for me, and I knew who would be by my side with unwavering devotion.

  It took me all of two minutes to pull out my cell phone and call Layla. I needed her like I needed air, but mostly I needed her to help me see more clearly. She had slowly become just the drug I needed to pull myself free from the haze that surrounded me.

  I, Rob Ziviani, was without a doubt, head over heels in love with this girl. Admitting it to myself was easy, but admitting it to the world took guts. And I wasn’t there yet.

  She promised to come right over, and so the guys left, giving me the space I needed to make my decision. It should be easy. Layla cared about me despite all my imperfections, but did she love me? I thought so, but I couldn’t be sure. I had to lay it all out there. Let her in the rest of the way. Let her really know about Jenny, and clue her in on what life will be like if she chose to stay with me.

  “You all right?” she asked as she walked through the door, groceries in hand.

  “Fine,” I managed to say before crashing my mouth onto hers. But I wasn’t fine. I was torturing myself. Letting my demons rip me apart, make me question where I stood and what I wanted. Because I was so great at dealing with emotions and stress—not—we spent the first few hours tangled in the sheets. When we finally made it out of bed, Layla cooked me an amazing dinner and through it all I almost forgot what had put me in a perpetual bad mood.

  Almost.

  As the evening wore on I kept glancing at the clock. Deep down I knew my time was running out. Jenny was going to make the biggest mistake of her life, and I needed to get it out there, so to speak, but I didn’t even know where to begin. Didn’t know how to say it, or even what I was going to say.

  Layla nestled in the crook of my arm as we sat on the couch watching some mindless TV. Unsure of what was on—some reality drivel that she loved to watch, I think—my mind reeled while she sat next to me, blissfully unaware of what was to come.

  My leg bounced up and down. It was a bad habit of mine, while manifested itself when I was antsy as hell. It was driving me crazy, to think of Jenny getting married. But why should it? I didn’t want her.

  Did I?

  Every minute that passed made me even more anxious. Focusing on anything but thoughts of being a father was futile. Even the television seemed to speak to me—with words like “parent” or “daddy” seemingly of a higher volume than any other.

  “Just
go.”

  Layla moved away, sitting up straight on the couch beside me.

  I looked at her, slightly confused. Given that she’d just been snuggled in to my side, this sudden change in behavior was odd. We hadn’t talked about Jenny in a while. I hadn’t even mentioned that her wedding was tonight. In fact, I’d just been thinking about how to talk to her about Jenny and me, and the night in question… and the pregnancy. Even thinking about it made me feel sick.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I don’t know what’s going on exactly, or what’s changed, but you should just go. We started this thing—whatever it is—not meaning to get our feelings involved. I never had any expectations from you, Rob.” She nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ll be okay, I promise.”

  “But what about us?” I asked. It felt stupid but I got the feeling that she was breaking up with me, and that wasn’t what I wanted. Okay, at this point I still wasn’t sure what, or who, I wanted. But I knew enough to She frowned, obviously sensing my hesitation.

  Layla took a deep breath before she spoke. “You and I, there’ll always be something between us. I know that this won’t be the end, and it doesn’t have to be. But you need to go to her. You’re supposed to be there for her. You guys aren’t finished, and I just couldn’t live with myself thinking that I kept you from your big love.”

  I grabbed her hand and forced a smile. I knew I should try to refute what she was saying, but what was the use? Layla knew it all, except for the most recent developments, but that didn’t change anything. She knew all my secrets and feelings when it came to Jenny. She’d been with me through it all, helping me fight the ghosts of my past, all while bringing me back to life.

  “You need to know that I wouldn’t have made it through the last few months without you Layla. You helped heal my heart.”

  “But I’m not her.” The sigh that left her mouth broke my heart all over again. I loved Layla, but it was a different kind of love to what I felt for Jenny. Layla was safe. But Jenny? My love for Jenny was all consuming, crazy even. It had stood the test of time and burned on through a hell of a lot of heartbreak.