Shadow of Regret (Shadow #3)

by Barbara Goss

  “She’s gone to Salina for a few days. She has an interview for a teaching job.”

  “She’s taking the job instead of marrying Miles?” Rose asked.

  “She hasn’t decided what she’ll do yet.” Lavinia walked over to Rose, and hugged her.

  “I hope you understand why I took you away from Quinn. I’m left alone to make sure you girls all end up happy. It’s a big responsibility, and I’m feeling the burden of it already. You know I love you, Rose.” Lavinia kissed the top of her head.

  “And I love Quinn, Mama.”

  “At seventeen, how do you know that?” Lavinia asked.

  “You married father at eighteen, so you must have fallen in love with him at my age.”

  “Well, yes, but your father was only two years older than me, and he wasn’t a womanizer and a drinker. There’s the difference, Rose.”

  “I know if you gave me a chance I could reach Quinn. He never did any of those things before Martha’s death. He's mad at God, is all. I know I can reach him, but you won’t let me!”

  Lavinia smoothed Rose’s hair. “You’ll be eighteen in a few months, and then you can do whatever you want, even if I don’t agree.”

  “How could you not agree with saving someone’s soul? I know father would have given me the chance. He would have.”

  Lavinia sighed. “And I wish, more than anything, that he were here to give you the chance, but I can’t do that, not in good conscience.”

  Rose clenched her fists, but she remained silent.

  “I’m going now to speak with Caleb about the house on Eden Road. There are boxes are on the porch, should you need more. I hope to be out of this house in a few days, as the new minister is anxious to move in.”

  “Who’s the new minister?” Rose asked.

  “His name is John Martin. He has five children—I don’t know where he’ll put them all. He has one son who’s nineteen, and perfect for you Rose. His name is James.”

  “Wonderful. You don’t just fall in love with someone because your mother thinks it would be perfect,” Rose said.

  “Give it some thought. I’ll be back soon.” Lavinia left the house. Rose watched as she jumped into her buggy, and drove it down the lane to the main road. When she was out of sight, Rose ran to the barn, saddled her horse, and rode like the wind to Jonas and Ivy’s house.

  She knew that if Jonas or Ivy saw her, they’d respect her mother’s wishes, and not let her see Quinn. She’d have to sneak in. She tied her horse behind the barn and walked around to the back door, which was closest to Quinn’s room. It led directly into the laundry room, from the back porch, and then to Quinn’s room, and on the other side of the hall from Quinn’s room was the sitting room. The parlor was nearer the front door.

  She made it as far as the laundry room when she heard voices coming from Quinn’s room. She recognized Jonas and Ivy’s voices, and she listened.

  “I suppose we could get Ingrid Smith to nurse Quinn,” Jonas said. “She isn’t needed to mind Zoe as long as she’s with my father.”

  “Good idea,” Ivy said. “I'm really disappointed in my mother’s decision, but I suppose, because of Rose’s age, she’s right. She just seems so much more mature than seventeen.”

  “All right, then. I’ll ride out now and see if she can stay here for a few days,” Jonas said. “I'll stop in and see Zoe, too. In the meantime, I want you to go upstairs, recline in your chaise lounge, and read, or nap.”

  Rose heard what she thought might be a kiss, and then she saw them both walk down the hall, toward the front of the house.

  On tiptoe, Rose crept into Quinn’s room. He was still asleep. She was disappointed he wasn't awake; she needed to speak with him.

  He looked handsome, even lying there all bandaged up and with several days’ growth of whiskers shading his face. Unable to resist, she leaned down and kissed his lips. She pulled away with a sigh, but he grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her closer “I didn’t quite catch that kiss, could you repeat it?” he whispered.

  “Of course,” she smiled. She leaned over and kissed him again, but this time he returned it and Rose felt her knees buckling beneath her. “Oh dear,” she said, when he finally released her lips.

  “I see you’re feeling much better,” she said.

  “Much better, thanks to your expert nursing.”

  “My mother came and ordered me to leave. I wanted to stay and nurse you longer. I just came back to kiss you goodbye.”

  He pulled her by the arm again. “One more, then.”

  “I think you should curtail your kissing until you're fully recovered,” she said. “I think they're becoming a bit too heated for your delicate condition.” And for my virginity, Rose added to herself.

  Quinn lay there studying her for the longest time. “Why did your mother insist that you leave?”

  “Propriety,” Rose said. “She saw me lying beside you this morning—and you had your arm around me.”

  Quinn smiled. “I did, didn’t I? It wasn’t something I planned, it just happened. You felt so dang good lying there by my side.”

  “Wait,” he said. “If your mother made you leave, why are you here?”

  “I snuck back, so I could explain why I’d left. I couldn’t just leave, and have you think I’d abandoned you.”

  Quinn took her hand and rubbed it. “She’s right. It’s for the best, my sweet Rose. You are too good for me,” he said, and kissed the palm of her hand, making her knees quiver. “Forget me and find yourself someone—”

  “No!” Rose exclaimed. “I won’t. I’ll be eighteen in a few months, and my mother said that I could do whatever I wanted to then. And,” she looked down at the floor in embarrassment, “and I want you, Quinn.”

  “No, Rose, you don’t. You just want something you think you can’t have. I’m fond of you too, Rose, too fond. I will never marry again. Ever. So find yourself someone, and be happy.”

  “I have to go before Jonas comes back with Ingrid. I won’t ever give up on you, Quinn.” She kissed his cheek and fled the room.

  Quinn watched as Rose slipped out of his room, probably for good. He sighed. Life seemed so unfair. He had to keep the feelings he had for Rose to himself. She was so dang lovely, and too sweet and innocent for him. He knew, after their meeting in the cemetery, that he loved her. That was why he was anxious to see “Daisy” again, so he could use her to forget about Rose. He needed to bury himself in the company of saloon women or women of ill repute, just to forget the one woman he could never have. He had to associate with women who didn’t expect marriage and babies, because he’d not travel down that road ever again.

  He had to heal quickly, so he could find out what was left of his livery. He’d been duped by “Daisy.” What had her husband, or whatever he was, call her? He couldn’t remember, but he had to find them again. He had some money in the bank, but it wasn't enough to restock his livery with horses and buggies—if they'd wiped him clean of everything.

  Later that afternoon, as Rose had warned, Jonas brought Ingrid Smith in to nurse him. That evening, Jonas came in and sat down by the bed.

  “How are you feeling, Quinn?” Jonas asked.

  “Better.”

  “Now that you're awake and able to communicate, I need to tell you that someone has cleaned out your livery.”

  “Yes, I figured as much. A saloon woman I was seeing and her husband robbed me.”

  “Do you know their names?”

  “No. I knew her as Daisy, but her husband called her something else. I've been trying to recall her real name.”

  “What will you do?” Jonas asked.

  “I’ll start all over, I guess,” Quinn said. “Have my parents been told?”

  “No. Your parents are in Texas visiting Eliza.”

  “Eliza? Wait! That’s Daisy’s real name--Liza!” Quinn pounded the mattress. “Liza! What a fool I was.”

  “How so?” Jonas asked.

  “She played a game with me. She said that if
I guessed her name, she’d kiss me. When I guessed the name of a flower, she reacted slightly. So I kept guessing flower names, and when I said, Daisy, she let me know I’d won. That’s how our relationship began.”

  “I think you should report it to the constable. I’ll see if he can make a visit. Tell him everything.” Jonas patted his friend’s shoulder. “If I can help in any way, just ask.”

  “And if I need a loan?” Quinn asked.

  “I’d give it in a heartbeat, but to the Quinn Iverson I used to know,” Jonas said, “not to the one he's become.” He walked to the door, and then turned back to Quinn. “If you’d give me a chance to talk to you about God and death, I would. I’d love to, but I know you’d fight it, so I’ll wait until you ask.”

  “I thought you’d take advantage of the fact that I'm bedridden and couldn't walk away if you started preaching to me,” Quinn said.

  “You’d just close your ears and mind to it. I know I can make you understand how wrong you are, if you just gave me a chance. But, you have to ask. Good night, Quinn.”

  Chapter 8

  Ingrid helped Quinn into the chair. “How does that feel?” she asked.

  “Wonderful. I was tired of looking at the ceiling.”

  “Since this is your first time up, I’ll not leave you sitting for too long. I’ll let you eat some oatmeal and juice while you’re up though.” She positioned a table in front of his chair and set a tray on it for him. “I’ll be back in thirty minutes,” she said.

  He managed to eat a few swallows of oatmeal—never his favorite breakfast, but he drank all of his orange juice. It felt good to be vertical again. He hoped he’d soon be on his feet and back in his own apartment.

  Lavinia and Rose moved into the house on Eden Road. It was a much nicer home than the one the church had provided. It also had a larger stable, and was closer to Jonas and Ivy’s house. She wanted to find another opportunity to sneak off, and see Quinn, but with the chaos of moving, she had little chance.

  Her mother came up behind her as she was standing on the front porch. She wrapped her arms around Rose’s shoulders. “Why so sad, dear daughter?”

  “I miss Quinn. I’m worried about him.”

  Lavinia dropped her arms. “It’s for your own good, Rose. Someday you’ll thank me.”

  “No,” she laughed cynically, “I won’t.”

  “Listen, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. This should make you happy—whenever two parties cannot agree, it’s best to compromise. I’ll bring the new minister over to see Quinn as soon as possible. I’ll explain what happened to him, and how he’s turned his back on God. He’ll talk to him. I’m sure it’ll help. He’s flat on his back, and will have no choice but to listen.”

  The “compromise,” as her mother called it, did not make Rose happy until a mischievous idea popped into her head. “Will you let me know when you’re going to visit, so I can pray while you’re gone?”

  “Of course. I’ll ride out today and ask him. He’s a very nice man.” Lavinia turned Rose around to face her. “I do love you, Rose. I only want what’s best for you.”

  Rose returned the smile.

  Later that afternoon, Lavinia returned from visiting John Martin, and approached Rose. “He’s pleased to have such a challenge right at the start of his career here. He said he’d visit early tomorrow morning, and I’m going with him, she said. “Now do you feel better?”

  Rose smiled, “I do feel better. Thank you.”

  Very early the next morning, Lavinia knocked on Rose’s door. Rose had just finished dressing, but she flew into bed and pulled her blanket up to her chin when her mother knocked. “Yes, come in.”

  “I’m going to pick up Reverend Martin, now. You wanted to know so you could pray while I was gone.”

  “Thank you. I will.” Rose said, pretending to be sleepy.

  As soon as her mother’s buggy rounded the lane and turned onto the road, Rose flew out of bed, and outside to saddle her horse. She rode like the wind to Ivy and Jonas’s, and sneaked in the back door as she had before.

  Quinn was asleep. Perfect.

  She kicked off her shoes and curled up beside him. She wiggled in place a bit until she felt Quinn’s arm go around her. Then she lay still, and waited for the action to begin.

  She was afraid Quinn would awaken and spoil things, but his breathing had returned to a normal, soft, snoring pattern, and she knew he slept soundly.

  Rose had to wait so long she thought she would fall asleep herself. Then she heard the buggy, and then the knock on the front door, and then greetings. She closed her eyes and waited. It was only moments later that the door opened and she heard a loud gasp.

  “Rose!” her mother yelled.

  “What is this?” the new minister asked.

  Rose opened one eye slightly, and saw four shocked faces, standing in the doorway: Martin’s, her mother’s, Ivy’s, and Jonas’s.

  “I’m so sorry,” Lavinia said. “Let’s go into the sitting room.” Rose peeked beneath her lashes and saw them retreat. She turned and sneaked a peek at Quinn. His eyes were open, and he was staring at the ceiling.

  “What in blazes did you do?” he said with emphasis, but not with anger.

  “I’m sorry, Quinn,” she said.

  He didn’t shout at her or scold her. Instead he tightened his hold on her and kissed the top of her head. “You know what will happen next, don’t you, little one?”

  She nodded.

  “Why?” he whispered. “Why would you do something like this?”

  “Because I love you, and I don’t want anyone else. They wouldn’t even let me see you.” Tears ran down her cheeks, and Quinn wiped them away with his fingers. “It’s always been you, and always will be you.”

  “But your reputation—”

  “I don’t care.” She snuggled closer to him.

  “I think,” he said slowly, but gently, “that you should get up now, and act at least a little guilty. Act as if you didn’t realized you’d be caught.”

  Rose nodded, sat up and moved to the chair, and put her shoes back on. They both waited in silence for the second act.

  Lavinia, Ivy and Jonas walked in minutes later. “Well, dear daughter,” her mother said sternly, “it looks like you win. The wedding will take place immediately.” She turned and left the room.

  Jonas winked, and Ivy started to smile, but bit her lip as if she were trying to stop it from forming. They both left the room.

  Rose looked at Quinn who had his arm over his eyes. “Are you angry with me, Quinn?”

  “Angry?” he said calmly. “No, it’s not anger that I feel.”

  “What then?”

  “First of all, I’m shocked. I had no idea you had so much mischief in you. Secondly, I fear you’ve made a big mistake. You have no idea what you’ve done.”

  “You don’t want to marry me?” she asked.

  “I didn’t want to marry again, ever, but it looks as though you’ve taken that choice out of my hands,” he said.

  “Am I wrong in thinking that you return my love?” she asked.

  “No. You aren’t wrong. I do love you. I realized that the day at the cemetery. You’ve spoiled me for other women. But, I can’t…I can’t…it has to be a platonic marriage. I will never, ever make love to you, Rose. No matter how much I want to.”

  Rose got up from the chair and stood by his bed. “Why not?”

  “I will never get a woman with child again, that’s why. And, especially not you. I love you too much to lose you in childbirth. I’m having a difficult time getting over what happened with Martha, and now you expect me to do it all over again—no I can’t. I won’t. She’d be alive today if I hadn’t—”

  “I’ll settle for a platonic marriage, then. At least I’ll have you. I’ll see you every day and I’ll take care of you,” she said.

  Quinn simply shook his head.

  Quinn wasn’t surprised to see the small group appear in his room that afternoon. His soon-to-be mother-
in-law, Jonas, Ivy, Rose, and the man who'd appeared in his room earlier, whom he'd assumed was the new minister. Jonas had been rushing around all morning getting the license, having Quinn sign it, and returning to the courthouse to have it recorded.

  Jonas had to support Quinn so he could stand before the group. He took Rose’s hand. The minister began to read the vows—the very same vows—that had been read the last time he tied the knot. He thought about how different it would be if he were marrying now for the first time, and was oblivious to the dangers an intimate relationship might bring. If only he and Rose could look forward to a playful and memorable honeymoon—but there would be none of that for them. Even so, he felt nothing but love for Rose, and he squeezed her hand tightly, to make her feel less frightened.

  His Rose looked pale when she repeated the vows. At seventeen, he could only imagine how frightening this situation must be. She still wore black because she was in mourning, but someone had put a white-laced collar around her neck to break up the monotony of her black clothes.

  When his turn came, he repeated his vows, looking deeply into Rose’s eyes. Since the vows didn’t make him say he promised to be intimate, he meant every word of them.

  He noticed that the minister had skipped the part about him kissing the bride. He shrugged. He’d get his kiss later, in private, instead of in front of everyone.

  Two shotgun weddings in one lifetime had left him numb, but he smiled at Rose, all the same. He’d try to make the marriage a good one, for her sake. He’d do almost anything for Rose.

  When everyone had left—he knew there would be no celebration dinner—he was left alone with his bride.

  “Well, Mrs. Iverson, what do we do now?” he asked.

  “You have to heal some before we can leave here,” she answered.

  “Pray tell, where will we go? I’ve lost everything.”

  “What?”

  “No one told you? The couple who shot me stole everything I had, including livery stock.”