Shadow of Regret (Shadow #3)

by Barbara Goss

“What about your apartment in town?”

  “It’s small, but it will have to do,” he said. “Will you mind?”

  “Not as long as I’m with you.”

  “I didn’t get my ‘now you may kiss the bride’ kiss," he said with a wink.

  “Mother had Martin remove it from the vows. She said she couldn’t bear to see you kiss me.”

  “She hates me that much?”

  “I don’t think she hates you; she just hates what you’ve become.”

  He studied her carefully. Her mother was right. He had messed up his life. It was his loose living that gave “Daisy” the opportunity to ruin him in the first place. He did love Rose, and maybe something good would eventually come of this. Maybe she would be the one to bring him some semblance of a life he wasn’t ashamed of.

  Quinn started to feel tired. He sat in the chair and patted his lap. “C’mon here, Rose.”

  She sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. Quinn kissed her, passionately. She leaned into him, and he knew they wouldn’t be able to do much of this, either—it was too tempting. He gently broke the kiss.

  “We can’t be kissing like that too much,” he said. “If I continue to heat you up with passionate kisses it'll seem like I’m teasing you, and I don’t want to do that. It can’t happen, Rose. Are you sorry now that you forced this upon us?”

  She shook her head. “No. I can live with it. It’s better than not having you at all.”

  As much as Jonas liked Quinn, he was anxious to have him out of the house. With Ivy expecting a baby at any minute, and with Zoe still at his father’s, he was anxious to bring some sense of normalcy back to his home and family. He pulled Rose aside the day after the marriage, and asked to speak with her in the sitting room.

  “What are your plans?” he asked, once they were seated.

  “We have none,” she answered.

  Jonas sighed. “As much as I love you both, you can’t stay here. Ivy is due any day, and we miss Zoe.”

  “We have only one place to go, and that’s the apartment Quinn has rented above the hardware store. If you help me get him there, I can care for him,” she said.

  He nodded. “Perfect,” he said. “There is something else. I told Quinn I’d gladly lend him the money to rebuild his business, but not until he’s returns to being the old Quinn—no more women, drinking or saloons. Has he told you he wouldn’t do those things anymore?”

  “No. I hadn’t even thought about that.”

  “If I can see him back the way he was, sober, clean, and going to church, I’ll loan him any amount he needs. Oh, and by the way,” he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope, “your wedding gift.”

  “Thank you,” she said taking the envelope. “I’ll try my best with Quinn. I’ll love him back to what he once was, I know I can.”

  “I know you can, too,” Jonas said. “We’ll move Quinn tomorrow morning.”

  Chapter 9

  Caleb, Jonas, and Miles all helped to move Quinn, along with all of Rose’s things, to the small apartment.

  Caleb also handed her an envelope for a wedding gift, as did Miles. Caleb and Jonas were extremely generous, but she knew they were both wealthy. The gift from Miles was just as generous, compared to his income at the bank. She’d hugged them both.

  When Caleb and Jonas went back to the wagon to pick up another stack of dresses, Caleb said, “That apartment is awful. We can’t let them live like that.”

  “I told you the offer I made him,” Jonas said.

  “It was a terrible offer,” Caleb said.

  “I thought it was generous.”

  “Paying someone to come back to God?” Caleb shook his head.

  “What should I have done?”

  “Just lend it to him. I’ll split it with you. The gift we give them will touch something in Quinn that your offer won’t: kindness, and Christian charity.”

  Jonas thought about it as he lifted the stack of dresses, still on their hangers. “My offer was more like blackmail or bribery, wasn’t it?”

  “It was.” Caleb lifted another box.

  They carried the things up the steep stairs and into the hot, stuffy, two-room apartment.

  Miles was fixing the leg of Quinn’s sofa that had been sheared by one of the bullets, while Jonas and Caleb went down for another load of Rose’s clothes.

  “I have no idea where she’ll put all of these clothes,” Caleb said. “I wish now I hadn’t let Lavinia have my house. I could have sold it back to Quinn.

  “I don’t think he’d have taken it. Too many bad memories,” Jonas said.

  “You’re right. I’d forgotten about that.”

  “I haven’t yet sold my house on Eden Road,” Jonas said.

  “I thought you had. I saw someone living there.”

  “I rented it to Ed Matthews after his house burned down,” Jonas said. “He’s moving out on the soon. He’s going over to Lawrence to live with his daughter.”

  “Well…” Caleb drawled.

  “I could.” He picked up another stack of clothes. “All right, I will.”

  After everyone had left, Rose stood in the center of the sitting-room/kitchen and looked around. In the sitting room area was a sofa—the one that Miles had fixed—an old coffee table, two end tables, and a worn, overstuffed armchair. There was no carpet. On the other side of the room was a sink without a water pump, a rickety table and chairs, and an old, rusty stove.

  Quinn rested on the sofa. She kissed his forehead and walked into the bedroom. Most of her clothes were stacked in the corner of the small room. The closet was also full. A bed, and a scratched, old dresser were the only pieces of furniture in the room. She left her shoes, accessories, and jewelry packed, because there wasn’t any place to put them. She covered the boxes with an old sheet she found in the dresser, so it wouldn't be such an eyesore.

  She sighed. At least she had Quinn.

  She returned to the sitting room and curled up on the sofa beside Quinn.

  He put his arm around her. "Are you sorry yet?" he asked.

  “No. I’m happy as can be,” she replied. “I have you.”

  “Some prize. I am deeply ashamed of this place. I hate having to bring you here. It was fine for me—but it's not half-good enough for you.”

  “We’ll manage.” She kissed him on the lips, and he responded, somewhat, but not passionately as she'd hoped. “I have a surprise for you.”

  She got up, walked to the bedroom, and dug into one of the boxes there. When she returned to Quinn, she tossed four envelopes onto his chest.

  “What are these?”

  “Wedding gifts.”

  He opened them and whistled. “Jonas, Caleb, Miles…even George and Phoebe Armstrong.”

  “It’ll keep us going for a while, as there is no chance I’ll be able to cook in that kitchen. It’s either Pete’s or go hungry,” she laughed.

  Quinn handed her the money. “I want you to handle all the money in our marriage.”

  “Really?” She took the money.

  “I don’t trust myself.”

  Rose knelt down on the floor beside the sofa. “There’s something we haven’t discussed yet, Quinn. I’m afraid to ask, but I know I have to.”

  He raised his eyebrows.

  “Are you going to continue drinking and picking up saloon women?”

  Quinn covered his eyes with his arm. He seemed either deep in thought, or saddened that he had to give her bad news. She waited.

  “Rose,” he removed his arm from his head and looked at her. “That’s a difficult question.” She felt herself blanch. “I want our marriage to be based on honesty.” Rose cast her eyes downward.

  “I will not promise that I won’t, because never is a long time.” He took her hand and brought it to his lips. “I will say this: right now I no longer desire to be with any other woman—saloon or otherwise—and I’ve no craving to drink right now, either. Had my mind been clearer the night I was shot, I might have been ab
le to protect myself and my belongings better.

  “I also meant my vows when I said them, and I hope I can keep them, and that means no adultery. As long as we’re married, there will be no other women for me.”

  Rose smiled. Tears formed in her eyes, both from the tenseness of the situation, and from relief.

  “Don’t you dare cry, Mrs. Iverson!” He wiped away the tear that managed to escape her rapid blinking. “I will do everything in my power to make you happy, except for one thing. Can you live with that?”

  She nodded. “What if I found a solution to that problem? Like a way to have intimate relations without the risk of procreating?”

  “It would have to be foolproof, because there's no way I’ll risk losing you.” He pulled her to him and kissed her lightly, on the lips. “Come and snuggle with me.”

  Rose curled up on the sofa with him, and he held her tightly.

  “That day in the cemetery changed me,” he said. “I've tried to flirt with saloon women since then, but all I could see was your face, all I could feel was your sweet kiss. I was determined to wipe your memory away by being intimate with “Daisy” again.” He kissed the top of her head. “I never got the chance to try, because that was the night she returned with a man she called her husband, and then they robbed me and shot me.”

  “Will the money we have be enough to start rebuilding your livery?” she asked.

  “Maybe. I guess it's a start. If I buy a few of Jonas’s horses that are too old to foal, I’m sure he’d give me a deal. People renting horses don’t care if they can foal or not.” He smiled. “It’s the buggies that cost the most, and what I rent the most of, that we can’t afford to replace yet.

  “And,” he said, “we’ll need rent money, and money for food.”

  He smiled at her. “Will you help me up? I’ll need to lean on you a bit, but I’d like to start walking now. Can you help me?”

  “I’ll be your live cane,” she said.

  Rose went to Pete’s, at first, and brought meals back, but soon Quinn was able to walk down the street with her to dine at Pete’s.

  Quinn fell in love with Rose all over again in the weeks after their marriage. She was a sport. She never complained, even though she was used to better accommodations. She walked with him daily, she was always cheerful, loving and willing to please him. At night, she’d curl up with him in bed, and he thought for sure she’d try to tempt him by kissing him too passionately, but she behaved. He believed she truly understood about why he'd insisted on that stipulation in their marriage.

  He thought he’d never marry again, but he soon found himself enjoying the close companionship of someone he was in love with. He eagerly awaited her smiling face each morning, and her tired, drooping eyes at night. He was so filled with love for her he thought he might burst at times. He had the strongest urge to do something for her—but what could that possibly be?

  Two weeks later, Quinn was walking without assistance, and able to ride, slowly, on his horse. He rode over to Jonas and Ivy’s with Rose, who was anxious to see the new baby.

  Ivy and Jonas welcomed them warmly, with hugs. Ivy proudly held Joanna Rose in her arms, barely a week old.

  “She’s beautiful, Ivy!” Rose said. “May I hold her?”

  Ivy nodded and passed Joanna to Rose. Rose sat in the nearest chair, rocking the baby, wearing a look of awe on her face. “She’s so pink and—oh look! She’s opening her eyes! They’re dark blue!”

  As Quinn watched Rose, he felt a tremor of warning flow through him. Naturally, she’d want one someday. He turned to Jonas and said, “I wondered if you had any nags to sell. I’m going to start building up my livery again.”

  “I have a few,” he said. “C’mon out to the stables.”

  Once the men had left, Lavinia, who’d been staying with Ivy and Jonas, stepped into the sitting room. “Hello, Rose.”

  “Mama.” She nodded. “She is the most beautiful baby ever.”

  Zoe came running into the room. “Auntie Rose!”

  Rose passed the baby back to Ivy and held her arms out to six-year old Zoe, Jonas’s child from his first marriage. Rose hugged her, and kissed her honey-colored cheeks. “I’ve missed you, Zoe.”

  Ivy smiled, and passed Joanna Rose to Lavinia. “Did you finish your lunch, Zoe?”

  Zoe shook her head. “I wanted to see Auntie Rose.”

  “C’mon, I’ll go with you. You have to eat all of your lunch, or you’ll be hungry for the rest of the afternoon.”

  Zoe followed Ivy to the kitchen.

  Lavinia sat with the baby. “So I suppose you’ll soon be having one of these,” she said.

  “No, I won’t,” Rose said sadly.

  “Oh, I’m sure you will,” her mother said.

  “I know I won’t, because Quinn and I don’t—you know.”

  “Why not? You’re married. You sure displayed your affection in front of everyone a few weeks ago.”

  “Mama, Quinn loves me, but he’s afraid I’ll die in childbirth like Martha. He won’t—”

  Lavinia pressed her lips together, “Oh dear. That’s not good for the marriage. God gave married couples that, not only to keep them close, but to multiply on the earth. He wants you to have children.”

  Rose shrugged. “He’ll come around, soon, I hope. I can wait till then. I’m glad he loves me that much.”

  “I suppose there's that,” Lavinia said. "It's not that I dislike Quinn, Rose, I just dislike what he’s become.”

  “He doesn’t do any of those things anymore,” Rose said.

  “That’s good, but he hasn’t returned to church, either.”

  “It may take some time, Mama.”

  “I want to apologize for what happened” her mother said.

  “You? Why?”

  “Evidently I didn’t handle the situation well, or it would never have happened. I should have known that the forbidden fruit is always the sweetest.” Lavinia smiled as she rocked Joanna Rose. “I hope we can all get past this.”

  If Quinn had thought Jonas’s old stables large, these were twice the size, and he had twice the stock. He had three large corrals, and one building just for grooming. He also had ten employees working for him.

  Jonas tagged about five horses for Quinn.

  “Thank you, Jonas,” Quinn said. “That'll make a good start.”

  “My old house will be vacant, soon,” Jonas said. “I’d like to rent it to you and Rose, free, until you get the livery going. I just want someone good living there. The place has lots of fond memories.”

  “If it were only for me, I’d turn it down, but for Rose, I accept. She deserves better—a lot better.” Quinn ran his hands through his blond hair. “She deserves a better husband, too.”

  “Take good care of her. I love Rose and Violet as though they were my own sisters,” Jonas said.

  Quinn decided he’d try harder to be a better husband. He’d even try to take the final step with Rose.

  “Remember you said once that you wouldn’t preach to me unless I asked?” Quinn asked.

  Jonas nodded.

  “Well,” Quinn hedged. “Well…now I’m asking.” He finished the rest of the sentence quickly.

  “I’d be delighted,” Jonas said. “When do you want to begin?”

  “How about yesterday?”

  Jonas laughed. “Come into my office in the house. I’m sure Rose will be kept occupied by my beautiful daughters.”

  “And wife,” Quinn added.

  Once in the office, Jonas did not sit behind his desk, but pulled up a chair across from Quinn, instead. “You're upset with God because you prayed that your wife, Martha, wouldn't die, am I correct?”

  “Pretty much. I begged God to spare her life,” Quinn said. “What sense is it to pray when God does as He wants anyway?”

  “Because He’s the boss,” Jonas laughed. “Seriously, God knows what’s best for us, more than we know what’s best for us. He is in control, as He should be. Even Hiram died, God’s
own beloved servant. Who's to say death is a bad thing when we don’t know what lies beyond?

  “As for Martha, it was her time. She'll never experience pain or suffering again, now that she in God’s heavenly home. Is that such a bad thing? Maybe you were begging God to keep her from having something wonderful.

  “I knew a young woman once, whose mother suffered from a serious heart ailment. The woman prayed daily for her mother to live, but her mother eventually died, and the young woman was devastated, and she blamed God. Later, they found out her husband was about to leave her for another woman, and several other family tragedies happened, and the mother was spared all that pain. Her mother would have been heartbroken over what happened to her family after she died, and the young woman realized that God had saved her mother from a fate worse than dying by taking her to his heavenly home.”

  “So,” Quinn said, “if God wanted to take Ivy or Rose, he would, even though we love them?”

  “Yes, which is one of the reasons why we should always treat our loved ones as if it were their last day on earth.” Jonas touched Quinn’s shoulder. “I’m no preacher, and I can’t spout Bible verses or anything, but that’s what I was told when my mother died, and it helped me through it.”

  “I feel as though I killed her because I disobeyed God by having the honeymoon before the wedding, and that I was being punished for it by His letting her die in childbirth, as a result of my sinful action.”

  “Quinn,” he said, “God doesn’t punish. I think you should stop by my father’s place someday, and tell Phoebe what you just told me.”

  “Why?”

  Jonas rubbed his forehead and bit his lip. “She might be able to help, is all. She got to know Martha well when she lived there, and she might be able to tell you something that I can’t.”

  “Like what?” Quinn asked.

  Jonas shrugged. “I don’t know. I just have a feeling.”

  “The doctor said that Martha’s baby was far too big for her to ever pass, even if they had been able to turn him. I know I’m a big guy, and I promised myself I’d never do that to Rose. We don’t have…we aren’t…our marriage hadn't been consummated yet.”