Shadow of Regret (Shadow #3)

by Barbara Goss

  “Quinn, what happened to Martha won't happen again!”

  “And you can promise me that?” Quinn asked. “Maybe all I make is huge babies that kill women.”

  “Well, no, of course, I can’t promise, but Ivy only labored for five hours, and had a relatively easy time.”

  “How much did her baby weigh?”

  “She’s tiny.”

  Quinn nodded and stood. “I thank you for the talk. I promise to ponder on it all.”

  “And stop by to see Phoebe; you won’t regret it.” Jonas stood and opened the office door. “I’d love to be your friend again, Quinn. We grew up together, and now we’ve married sisters, and are real brothers.” Jonas threw his arms around Quinn. “I missed you.”

  Quinn returned his brotherly hug with a final slap on the back. “I missed you, too.”

  “I’ll deliver your horses tomorrow. Have you cleaned up the livery yet?” Jonas asked.

  “Yes. Rose helped. We have it all ready.”

  “I forgot to mention one thing, Quinn: my loan. Remember I promised you that if the old Quinn came back I’d give you a loan to help?”

  “But I’m not totally back,” Quinn said.

  “You're close enough.” Jonas slapped him on the back.

  On the ride home with Rose’s head on his arm, he thought hard about everything Jonas had told him. He still was afraid of getting his precious Rose with child. He did what his mother had once told him to do: he imagined his life without Rose. If he never saw her again, how would he feel?

  He’d feel dead inside.

  He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. He was definitely in love. How long would Rose be happy with this platonic marriage?

  Could he begin to trust in God again? He still was confused about praying. Why bother if God already knew what he would allow to happen? He supposed he might seek out a clergy person to help him with this problem.

  Why was Jonas so insistent that he visit Phoebe Armstrong? Did she know something about Martha that he didn’t?

  Chapter 10

  Quinn sat in the church office of Reverend John Martin, feeling hopeful.

  “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice,” Quinn said.

  “Welcome, Quinn. I just happened to be here in the church preparing my next week’s sermon and to be truthful, I’m drawing a blank. It happens sometimes, so I welcome the diversion.” He folded his hands on his desk and smiled. “How can I help you?”

  “First, let me explain what you saw that day with Rose and me. It wasn’t what it looked like.”

  The minister raised his eyebrows.

  “Rose set that up on purpose. Her mother had told her you and she planned to visit, and she intended getting caught, because she wanted to marry me. Her mother had forbidden her to see me, because I’d gone off the deep end when my first wife died. I’d been womanizing and drinking. I needed to do whatever I could to forget my guilt. Now I regret how I acted,” he said. “I also wanted to clear Rose’s reputation. She’s still as pure as ever, and will stay that way until I can get rid of this guilt, regret, and anger.”

  “As far as Rose’s reputation is concerned,” Martin said, “that scene went no further. It’s just between those of us who were present, and her reputation is still untarnished. I have to admit to being somewhat shocked, but only because it was unexpected.”

  Quinn let out a breath of relief and smiled.

  “You really love her, don’t you?” Martin asked. “I could tell by the way you looked at her during the ceremony. I think you would have married her anyway, given time. Am I right?” He smiled.

  “More than anything,” he said with enthusiasm. “I probably would have, but I would have settled this problem first.”

  “Let’s say a prayer before you tell me the problem. I will ask the Lord to give me guidance and the right advice to help you,” he said with a smile.

  Quinn liked the minister. He thought he wouldn’t, but only because he missed Hiram Jeffries.

  After the prayer, Quinn said, “As I mentioned, I’m suffering from guilt, regret, and anger.”

  “I am so sorry, Quinn. I hope we can resolve this today.”

  “Firstly, I never was in love with Martha. I loved her as a person. I’m in love with Rose, and there is a big difference.”

  Martin nodded, with an encouraging smile. “So tell me about the guilt, regret, and anger you feel.”

  The Reverend’s warmness and smile made confessing to him easy. “I sinned by celebrating the wedding night before the wedding with Martha—just once, mind you,” Quinn added. “I made sure it didn’t happen again. I asked for forgiveness and felt forgiven, until…until she announced she was with child.”

  Reverend Martin simply nodded.

  “I married her right away, and was happy enough, I suppose, but only because Martha made it so. She was a good person, and we lived from day to day in something that passed for contentment. I felt that she was happier than I was, but I was sure that when the babe was born it would bring me closer to falling in love with her.

  “She died in childbirth, and I feel like I’m responsible. I sinned, and that was the consequence of my sin, as well as my punishment,” Quinn said, head downcast in shame. “The baby died, too.”

  “To compound my guilt, as she lay dying, I got down on my hands and knees and begged God for her life, and God let me down. I feel as though He doesn’t love me as much as someone else whose prayers he did answer.”

  Martin folded and unfolded his hands. “Quinn, you’ve brought to me one of the most asked questions of all time, and the hardest to answer, even for me.

  “All I can say is, imagine if God granted everyone’s prayers, and everyone got whatever they’d asked God for. Not only would everyone be riding a prize stallion, but they’d be living in mansions, too. Everyone would have everything they wanted, just by asking. No one would work for anything, and we’d become lazy and spoiled. That’s not how God wants the world to work.

  “Tell me, Quinn. As a boy, did you ever ask your father for something that he refused to give it to you?” Martin asked.

  “Sure, lots of times.”

  “Did it make you stop asking?”

  “No.”

  “Did it make you dislike your father, and did you hold a grudge against him?”

  “No, never.”

  “God is our father and He doesn’t give us everything we want, and often for the very same reasons—either it isn’t good for us, or we haven’t earned it, or because we’re too young, or for many other reasons.

  “What would be God’s reason for denying a prayer that asked him to spare someone's life?” Quinn asked.

  “Think about that for a moment, Quinn. Think what the world would be like if everyone prayed for someone not to die. People have to die. What age is too early or too young? Only God knows that. Death comes from the original sin by Adam and Eve. The Bible says: ‘The sting producing death is sin.’

  “Okay, Adam and Eve sinned so who does God chose to die and who lives? Which ones and why? Only God knows that. Death has no age limit. When you pray for someone to live, He may grant it if it works into His plan for that person’s life.

  “Quinn, I believe that every person who’s born has a purpose. Perhaps when that purpose has been served, the person is rewarded with eternal life after death on earth. We all think of death as a bad thing, and it is for those of us left behind to miss them, but death is not a bad thing if the person’s a believer. The Bible promises that in the afterlife, there will be no sin, and no death.

  “In the Bible, Job lost everything, even loved ones, but later God doubled his blessings. In the end, Job appeased God by saying, ‘I have declared that which I did not understand.’ God then blessed Job with twice as much as he had before his trials began.

  “I’m not saying that God’s purpose for taking Martha was to give you marital happiness with Rose, because I doubt He would operate like that, but it did happen, didn’t it? Perhaps
He’s given you Rose’s love to replace what He had to take from you.

  “He took Martha because it was her time. When someone is dying it’s good to pray for him or her, but usually I word it differently. I ask that if it be His will, could he let the person live? Those are the magical words, Quinn, if it be thy will.

  “God has His agenda for our lives, and it isn’t up to us to change His agenda unless He allows it. We can ask, but we are not promised the results we’d like.

  “I asked God for my own mother to live when she had a heart seizure, and she died quickly. I felt much like you do. I was twelve at the time. Later, I found out she had tuberculosis, and would have died a prolonged and painful death instead of the quick death she had, surrounded by her loved ones.

  “As for your anger, it’s something we all feel at some time in our lives. But think on this, Quinn: when we get angry with God, he doesn’t stop loving us. Even when we’re angry with Him, He still loves us, and yearns for us to turn to Him for the comfort and encouragement we need. And that’s what I pray you will do.

  “You know what I think? I think that He loves you so much that He will bless you for what He had to take from you. He blessed Jonah, Moses, and Job, to name a few, that were angry with God for things that happened in their lives. And God never ever punishes us. When you asked for forgiveness after fornicating, He didn’t punish you with the pregnancy. God loves us far too much to punish us.”

  Martin stood. “Have I managed to help you any, Quinn?”

  Quinn smiled and stood. “Yes, I believe you have. I feel as though a lot of the weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”

  “And I need to thank you, Quinn. You’ve given me material for Sunday’s sermon.”

  While Quinn was visiting Reverend Martin, Rose was trying to organize her mess of belongings in the bedroom. A knock on the door startled her. No one had ever knocked before, and Quinn had a key. She walked to the door, opened it a crack, and felt shocked.

  “Dora, wasn’t it?” Rose asked, opening the door wider.

  “Is Quinn here?” she said, as she pushed her way into the sitting room.

  “No, he’s out.”

  Dora looked Rose up and down. “You weren’t a customer that day, were you?”

  “No. I was Quinn’s friend, and now I’m his wife. What can I do for you?” Rose asked, not unkindly.

  Dora laughed and plopped down onto the sofa. “Wife? Since when? Quinn told me he’d never marry.”

  “Well, we’ve been married for weeks now,” Rose said, still standing by the door.

  “Are you nesting?”

  Rose looked at her in confusion. “Nesting?”

  “Are you expanding?”

  Rose shook her head. “I still don’t know what you’re asking.”

  “I’ll spell it out then—are you with child?”

  “No, I’m definitely not.”

  “Good, because your marriage will never last,” Dora said.

  “Why are you here?” Rose asked, trying hard not to let the anger she felt show.

  “I miss Quinn. He was the best…um…dancing partner I ever had.” She winked.

  “And why do you say our marriage won’t last?” Rose asked.

  “Because Quinn likes saloon women. He likes excitement and variety. He told me so.”

  “People change,” Rose said, trying not to believe a word of what she said.

  Dora looked her up and down again and then laughed. “I bet your love life is dull.”

  Rose felt her face burn with anger, and she realized her clenched fists felt like bashing Dora. The last thing she wanted was the woman to know she didn’t have a love life.

  “Has he started going out at night yet?” Dora asked.

  “No, he hasn’t,” Rose said.

  “When he does, I suggest you put on something slinky and make his life more exciting,” Dora said. She stood, and walked to the door.

  “Slinky?” Rose asked.

  Dora shook her head. “You aren’t faking are you? You really are that innocent?”

  Rose nodded.

  “Slinky, means seductive—something he can’t resist, something that will drive him a bit wild,” Dora said.

  Rose thought about Dora's words. Was she not seductive enough? Was that why Quinn didn’t want to be intimate with her? She looked at Dora and then at herself. Did Quinn love her like a sister? Was that the problem?

  “Can you describe something I could wear to be…seductive?” Rose asked.

  “You’re serious aren’t you? You're such a cute little mouse.” Dora smiled at her. “I like you, I really do. I thought you were putting on an act with the innocent bit, but you’re the genuine article.”

  “My father was the minister at Grace Church. That's where I met Quinn. He used to go there too,” she said.

  “I was furious when Quinn messed with other saloon women, but I’m not one bit angry that he’s chosen you. You know why? Because you aren’t competition. We saloon women are very possessive of our clients and often end up in hair pulling contests over one or two, but you're just a sweet innocent girl. You know what? I’m going to help you.”

  “You are?” Rose didn’t know if she could trust this woman or not.

  “I’m going to borrow a seductive dress from Eva, my roommate, because she’s about your size. I’ll drop it off later. Is there a time I can swing by when Quinn's not likely to be here?”

  “He’s back to working at the livery, so I’m here alone all day long.”

  “Good. I’ll make you look so seductive, your love life will be the greatest ever. When he asks how you did it, you tell ‘em, his friend Dora helped you out.” She winked.

  After she’d gone, Rose went into the bedroom and stared at her reflection in the bedroom window. Then, she mentally compared herself to Dora.

  No wonder Quinn didn’t want to consummate the marriage. He might even be planning to have the marriage eventually annulled. What if he only saw her as the innocent little girl from church whose feelings he didn't want to hurt? Was he really just afraid of her being with child because of Martha's death? What if he just didn't want a child with her? What had she done to herself by forcing this marriage on him?

  The minute Quinn walked in, he noticed the change in Rose. Usually she smiled up at him and told him how much she’d missed him. Now that he was back to work they didn’t have the days together, just the evenings, and that suited him just fine. She was tempting enough in the daytime, but at night it was harder for him to not grab her, and…well, he wouldn’t even think about that.

  They shared a bed. Usually, he let Rose go to bed first by telling her he wasn’t yet tired, but now that he was back to working, he was tired. The past few nights they’d turned in at the same time.

  Quinn always gave her the privacy to get into her nightgown if they went to bed at the same time. After he was sure she was in bed, he’d crawl in, kiss her forehead, and face the opposite direction. So far, that was how he'd successfully dealt with the situation.

  Yet for the first time he’d come home to a Rose who was sadder than usual. Could it be that this arrangement was wearing her down? Did she finally realize she needed more in her life?

  His meeting with Martin had given him much to think about, but he wasn’t yet convinced that he wanted to endanger Rose’s life just for a bit of intimate enjoyment. She meant far too much to him. He’d lost control of himself once, and had gotten into trouble, and he wasn't going to let that happen again. Although Martin had made him see that our prayers couldn't always be answered the way we want them to be, he felt responsible for Martha's situation, nevertheless.

  When Rose went into the bedroom to dress for dinner he wondered how long they could go on like this. A month? A year? A lifetime? Either he had to fix things, or annul the marriage so that Rose could have a husband and baby some day. How could he be so selfish as to deny her those things? Doesn’t every young woman want a husband and children? He saw the want in her eyes when
she held Ivy’s baby, and he wanted to give her those things, he really did, but he still was afraid.

  Why had Jonas asked him to visit his stepmother, Phoebe Armstrong? He’d need input from every person he could in order to make his mind up about how he should progress with his life. No, he wouldn't go back to saloon women and saloons, that was a certainty, but he also wouldn’t subject Rose to a life without a healthy marriage and children. He loved her too much for that. He made up his mind to make a final decision soon—love her or let her go.

  He’d told her when he walked in the door that day that he'd planned to treat her to the newest, fanciest restaurant in town, The Bright Star. It was classy and expensive, but he’d been doing well, especially after Jonas’s loan. He’d bought four buggies, he had enough horses, and business was good. Rose deserved better than Pete’s.

  Rose came out of the bedroom and he gave her a whistle of appreciation. She looked fantastic. She was wearing a dark blue dress that complemented her light hair and blue eyes. She’d put her hair up on top of her head using combs to hold it in place. He’d been so used to seeing her in black for so long that even this darkest of blue was a colorful, welcome change.

  He walked over and took her into his arms. “Hmm…Rose, you look good enough to eat.” He took a nibble on her cute little ear. She laughed, which was good to hear. Maybe things were still all right between them. “I love you,” he said.

  “I love you, too,” she said, in almost a whisper.

  “Let me clean up a bit and we can go.” He kissed her on the lips as he always did when he came home. She usually returned it a bit, but not passionately, because she knew he didn’t want to be tempted, but tonight, for some reason, she went up on her tippy-toes, put her arms around his neck, and kissed him so ardently, he thought he’d lose all will power. When the kiss broke he almost playfully scolded her, but her big blue eyes melted his resolve. He hugged her close to him while he took control of his breathing. “Are you hungry?” he said.