The Long Way Home

by K. Langston

  He rests his forehead to mine as he pushes one finger inside of me. My breath is short and sporadic, silently begging for more. “I love the sounds you make.”

  “Linc,” I beg.

  He smiles, closing his eyes as my hands drift to cradle his face, and just as my lips find his, he centers himself and pushes inside of me.

  Not until he is fully seated inside me, and his hands move to cradle my face, do I finally feel complete.

  Whole.

  Like my heart finally possesses its other half. The man I’ve always loved. The one person I’ve shared every other part of myself with. More than I ever shared with anyone else. Now he has all of me. And the thought is so overwhelming, so comforting, a single tear escapes from the corner of my eye.

  Linc doesn’t miss it. He kisses my temple before bringing his salty lips back to mine.

  “It’s okay, baby. I’m here,” he whispers. “I’m here.”

  I nod, unable to speak as he begins to move in and out.

  Slow.

  Steady.

  Sure.

  The way our bodies fit together, the way they answer to one another is so perfect, so flawless, so achingly beautiful, I immediately question how I ever lived without him and know without a doubt I’ll never let him go.

  Deep desire takes over and his thrusts become more powerful, measured. Like he’s trying to tell me something only his body can convey.

  I move my hands to his back, scraping my nails along his skin as he drives into me harder and harder, staking his final claim. In a blaze of passion so bright, so incredible, we are both completely consumed by it. I find my release in a kaleidoscope of colors, a thick haze of heat that drowns and revives me. Linc follows and we plunge into an oblivious state of bliss.

  The culmination of what just happened can only be described as a dream.

  But it’s not.

  I know this to be true when his mouth finds my ear and in a breathless whisper he says, “I love you.” Linc has said these words to me a million times but they have never carried more weight than they do right now. They settle, taking root inside of my heart and my mind, wrapping around my soul. “No one has ever loved another human being as much as I love you.”

  The smell of his skin is intoxicating. I’m pretty sure I could lie here in this drunken state all day. Just like this. I’m completely and utterly lost to him, and it feels so damn good. Better than I ever imagined. It’s hard to believe, after all of this time, we’re here.

  In this moment.

  “I love you, too.” His fingers draw content, lazy sighs from me with each brush across my feverish flesh. I never knew making love could be so beautiful, so passionate. Every touch, every breath overflowing with so many years of deep longing, I don’t think I will ever get enough of him.

  Linc’s warm lips press against my forehead and my eyes flutter closed as a new beginning unfolds. His forehead kisses will never be the same again. Now they are so much more precious than they ever were before.

  “What are you thinkin’ about?”

  “Us.”

  “Us,” he whispers, thoughtfully.

  He’s still inside of me, the weight of him bringing me so much comfort. “I can’t believe we’re here together. Like this.”

  His smile is as content as I feel, washing over me with the promise of love beyond my wildest dreams.

  “I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment,” he says, tucking a piece of hair behind my left ear. “And I’m not talkin’ about the sex, which turned out to be far better than anything my mind ever worked up. But I’ve been waiting for this. To hold you, to fall asleep with you in my arms every night and wake up next to you every mornin’. To know you’re finally where you belong, with me.”

  “Every night and every morning? What makes you think I want you to even stay tonight?” I tease, but I’m silently hoping he will.

  “You don’t think for one second you’re gettin’ rid of me now, do you?”

  “What are you saying?”

  “What do you think I’m sayin’, Syl?” he asks, narrowing his eyes.

  “Linc, I think we should take this slow. I mean, we just…I’m as happy as you are right now. I never thought this would happen for us and now it’s happening so fast and effortlessly really. It’s a little bit overwhelming to be honest, and I don’t want to do anything to mess it up. And I don’t want to rush Caroline either.”

  “Caroline is not going to even bat an eye at this. She knows, Sylvie. That kid is smart. Besides, she loves me.”

  I smile.

  She adores him.

  “Still…I need to be careful with her. I want us to be together as much as you do, Linc. I’ve wanted it for as long as I can remember, but I need to make sure she’s ready.”

  “You’re incredible, you know that?”

  Heat invades my cheeks as his tense jaw relaxes into a pleased smile. When his lips find mine, my heart surges with heat, as does the rest of my body. I can’t remember ever feeling this loved.

  Safe.

  It’s so new and exhilarating and it takes everything I have to beg him not to ever leave this spot. I never want to lose this feeling. “I’ll give you all the time you need, Sylvie, but this is it for me. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, and I’m never lettin’ you go again.”

  His words are like a balm, soothing the wounds that life has so irrevocably inflicted. Would they ever be healed completely? With a love like his, I refuse to believe anything different.

  He pulls the thick quilt from the back of the couch and moves to situate himself next to me, wrapping his arm around my middle and pulling me close. His eyes hold mine.

  “Sylvie.”

  “Hmm?”

  “There’s something else I need from you.”

  “What?”

  Lifting my hand to his mouth, he places a kiss on my wrist then my lips.

  Tender.

  Soft.

  “I need to know what happened that day.”

  I blink, my heart rate spiking with anxiety and apprehension.

  I swallow. “Why?”

  “Because I wanna know your pain. All of it.”

  Tears spring to my eyes. “I don’t think I can,” I tell him honestly. I’ve never told a single soul what really happened that day, because if I do that means it really happened, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to handle that.

  “Try.”

  Try.

  Does he even understand how hard it is for me to do that? My eyes fall closed as my body tenses all over, memories of that day playing over and over in my mind.

  Images I’ll never forget.

  But Linc deserves to know, and telling him is the only way I can move on.

  Past

  Sometimes, the most important lessons in life are the ones we learn the hard way.

  I finish stuffing the rest of Caroline’s clothes into my suitcase and zip it up as hot tears roll down my burning cheeks.

  I can’t keep putting myself through this. I’ve tried everything to make it work. To get him help. To fight for him. But he’s given up, and if I don’t leave now, he’ll drag Caroline and me to hell with him. I know running to Linc’s arms might not be the right answer but I need him. I need someone to help me for once, because right now, everything seems so hopeless. Dean refuses to take his medicine. He refuses to go to rehab. The final straw came last night when I gave him an ultimatum.

  Get help or we’re gone.

  He became so enraged he began throwing things and tearing up the house and Caroline saw it all. I can’t continue to live like this.

  I won’t.

  And even though I’m terrified about what he’ll do if I leave, I’m afraid of what will happen to us if I don’t.

  Lugging the suitcase down the stairs, I stop cold when I find Dean waiting for me at the bottom.

  “Where are you going?” he asks.

  Swallowing hard, I lift my chin, trying to stomp down the fear. “We’re leaving.”
I finally manage to get the words out once I reach the last step.

  He paces the floor, frantically sweeping his free hand through his disheveled hair. “No.”

  “Dean, I just think—”

  “No!” he roars. “I won’t let you go.” There’s desperation in his voice and it almost has me caving. I don’t want to hurt him any more than he already does but I have to remind myself that we’ve been down this road too many times before.

  It’s over.

  I have to end this.

  Otherwise, it will end us both.

  “I just can’t do this anymore.” I hold his gaze, his eyes wide and unfocused.

  He reaches behind his back, revealing a revolver. I freeze in fear. “I can’t live without you.” His dark brown eyes peer down at me, his hard gaze cold and unforgiving.

  “Dean, please don’t do this.”

  A single tear slips down my cheek. His eyes are on fire, pain and anger swirling together in a devastating storm destined for destruction. I feel like I’m trapped inside of a burning house with no one to save either of us and no way out.

  Past

  Dean

  What have I become?

  When did ending it all become my only option? My only way out? I’ve thought about it hundreds of times, but never with this much resolve. Never with so much determination. But I can’t take it anymore.

  It’s too much.

  And Sylvie.

  I am nothing without her.

  Gripping the sides of my head, I beg the voices to stop but they won’t shut up. They never will. They constantly battle with my heart and soul, begging to end it all.

  I focus on the pain.

  It’s the only thing that is real anymore.

  “Dean, please. We can get help if you’ll just—”

  I laugh at her ridiculous plea. “There’s not a goddamn pill or doctor that can cure me. You know that. What does it matter anyway? I’m nothing without you.”

  Her tear-filled eyes hold mine as fear causes her body to tremble. “Don’t say that. You matter.”

  The cold steel feels heavy against my skin but it’s nothing compared to the burden I carry inside.

  She’s sobbing now, tears of pain rolling down her cheeks in rivers of grief. Pain I know is there because of me.

  I’ve never been able to figure it out. The poison that lives inside of me eats away at my mind like a starving vulture. All I know is that I can’t fight it anymore.

  I don’t have the fucking strength.

  I grab ahold of the back of her neck, pulling her forehead to mine, then I press the barrel of the gun underneath her chin. “I want to take you with me,” I whisper, looking into her deep blue eyes.

  The only place I find any semblance of peace is when I look into those eyes or hold her in my arms, but I am slowly killing her, sucking the life from her, and I can see it every time she looks at me.

  The insistent need to pull the trigger is growing stronger by the second. I long to bury the pain once and for all. To suffocate the voices that whisper truth and lies.

  Her eyes flicker with pain, corroding the remainder of my lifeless heart.

  I have to save her.

  She swallows hard, licking her lips. “You don’t have to do this. Think about Caroline. Think about what this will do to her.”

  Caroline.

  I don’t want to leave her behind either, and I silently thank God she’s not here. I’m afraid of what would happen if she were.

  She’ll be better off without me.

  They both will be.

  “Why are you doing this?” she begs, her voice raw and weak.

  “It’s the only way I can set you free.”

  I’m not stupid. I know my wife, better than anyone. And I know why she wants to leave. I can’t blame her. But I’ll never be able to let her go and live in this world without her.

  I squeeze my eyes shut for a brief moment, battling with my intense need to end her life before I take my own. I think of my precious Caroline and for once in my life, I try not to be the selfish bastard I’ve always been.

  Pushing her away, she falls to the floor, then I press the cold tip of the barrel to my temple.

  There is no hesitation.

  No fear.

  Only peace of mind knowing that I’ll finally be free.

  And so will she.

  Sylvie frantically shakes her head, fear heady in her bloodshot eyes. “Please. God. Please don’t do this.” But her whispered prayer falls on deaf ears for I can’t hear anything but the final beats of my tortured heart.

  A lone tear leaks from the corner of my eye before I utter my final words, cocking the hammer with a resounding click. “I love you.”

  Past

  Calla lilies rest upon his shiny black casket, adding a breath of life to the death that fills the room. They are perfectly sprayed, fanning out in every direction. I focus on the flowers, the curve of the white petals, their pureness.

  Their beauty.

  The irony does not escape my morbid mind. My mother helped me make arrangements, which was a feat in itself considering I’ve been dealing with my own inner turmoil.

  It could have been both of us being buried today.

  Caroline squeezes my hand, pulling my attention from the flowers. Her eyes find mine, seeking comfort and understanding. But how can I offer her either when I don’t even understand it myself.

  I am empty.

  Numb.

  Blocking out the pain takes all of my strength so I have none to spare.

  I couldn’t save him.

  I let her down.

  I let him down.

  I gave up on him when he needed me the most.

  Now he is gone.

  And it’s all my fault.

  The next few hours slide by in a haze, a block of time that I will never forget; yet, I can’t remember a single detail aside from the flowers. They are all I see every time I think of Dean and it’s almost comforting to me because they seem to shield me from the other gruesome images haunting my mind.

  Time passes in a haze.

  I accept hugs, offers of condolences, but nothing can ease the pain I feel inside.

  Caroline finally fell asleep hours ago, snuggled up with the ragged lion Dean bought her at the zoo a couple years back. I wanted to lie down with her. I haven’t slept at all the last few days, but I am afraid I won’t have the strength to get back up.

  Everyone has cleared out, my parents reluctantly left a few hours ago. Rachel offered to stay but I insisted I was fine.

  Now, I am not so sure.

  I lean my head against the cool fridge, trying to fight off the deep ache in my heart. A hand lands on my shoulder, offering a gentle squeeze.

  “Syl.” I turn around, wrapping my arms around my middle, but it does nothing to ease the excruciating pain.

  Linc reaches out for me but I turn away, leaving his hand hanging midair. Hurt flashes across his face, adding even more guilt to the ever-growing pile of emotions. I don’t want his comfort even though I desperately need it.

  And I sure as hell don’t deserve it.

  I shift my eyes to the floor, evading his gaze.

  With a long sigh, he shoves his hands into the pockets of his black slacks. “Talk to me.”

  I remain silent.

  What is there to say? I can’t very well tell him what really happened. I told everyone that I came home and found Dean that way. I couldn’t lay the burden of truth on him. It’s not his fault.

  It’s mine.

  I drove him to it.

  He lets go of a wounded sigh. “Please.”

  I sidestep him and head for the sink while my heart cracks open a little more. They say God never gives you more than you can handle, but right now, I think God is out to punish me. Probably because I love a man while married to another. Or maybe because right now I want nothing more than to fall into Linc’s arms and forget about Dean altogether.

  What kind of person does that make m
e?

  “Sylvie, look at me.”

  “You need to leave, Linc.”

  “Syl.”

  Clutching the edge of the sink, I fight back the tears. “Please.”

  “I’m not leaving you again. Not ever.” He rests his hands on my shoulders, and I sag with despair. “Let me help you.”

  “You can’t help me, no one can.”

  “Let me try. I know you’re hurting. Let me be here for you.”

  I shove at his chest. “I said no! I don’t want you here.”

  His eyes flicker with pain. “You don’t mean that.”

  “Yes, I do. I can’t look at you without thinking about him.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “Get out. Go live your life and stop worrying about trying to fix mine.”

  “Please, don’t push me away. I need you.”

  “You don’t need me. I’m broken, Linc, can’t you see? Just leave.”

  “Sylvie, please—”

  “Just fucking leave!” My throat is raw, so are my insides.

  I don’t want to feel anything, not ever again. It hurts too damn much.

  Present

  As long as I live, I’ll never be able to carve the image of Dean, lying on the floor in a puddle of blood, out of my mind. Nausea rolls in my belly and I spring from the couch, barely making it to the bathroom. This is why I hate talking about him. Not only is it emotionally crippling, it’s physically debilitating as well.

  Linc’s hands caress my clammy skin as I dry heave into the bowl. I lift my head to find his eyes. “I don’t know how to deal with this, Linc.” He reaches for a washcloth, running it under the cool tap before wiping my mouth. Brushing the loose strands of hair from my face, he kisses my damp forehead. “I hate that I couldn’t help him. That I couldn’t love him enough.”

  Linc’s fingers lift my chin, bringing my eyes to his. “It’s not your fault, Syl.” Shaking my head, I try to pull away. “Look at me,” he demands, his hands cradling my cheeks to hold my face in place. There is no judgment in his eyes, only love and understanding. “He was sick. Even if you had stayed, the end result would have been the same. You did everything you could to save him. But sometimes, we have to save ourselves.” His lips meet mine, reverent and sweet. The tenderness of his kiss makes me whimper. “You have to let go of the guilt,” he whispers.