Shadow of Shame: Book 1 of the Shadow series

by Barbara Goss

  “You can believe me when I tell you—he’d be the last man to take advantage of a woman, now.” Quinn smiled. “So, you’ll still be his friend?”

  “I think so. I trust your word. Until tonight I thought Jonas…well, I thought he was the most wonderful man I’ve ever met, present company excluded,” she added quickly.

  Chapter 9

  Jonas rode home from the barn dance right after giving Peggy and Mary Beth the message from Quinn. All the way home all he could focus on was the look on Ivy’s face when he’d offered to take her home. The look of fear on her face made him break out in sweat, as if he were about to have an anxiety attack. To remain calm, he kept telling himself it was for the best. He knew she was too good for him, anyway. His reputation would only wind up pulling her down.

  When Jonas came down for breakfast the next morning, Zoe was sitting on the kitchen floor near where Thelma was mixing pancake batter.

  “How soon will Ingrid be coming?” Thelma said. “I’m afraid I’ll turn and step on the little elf.” Her voice held a touch of humor.

  “Any minute,” he said. “You can tell the child wants to be near people.” As he said that, Zoe stood, walked over to him, grabbed hold of his leg, and hugged it.

  He didn’t want to get too attached, but how could he resist this display of affection?

  “Hey,” he said. He reached down, picked her up, and sat her on a kitchen chair. “Are you hungry?”

  Zoe nodded.

  “I knew it!” he said. “Can you open your mouth?” She obeyed without question. “Oh, yes,” he said, peering into her gaping mouth. “You are hungry! Your tummy is empty!”

  Zoe gave him the first smile he’d seen from her. He thought her an adorable child. All bathed, she looked like a different little girl from the one he’d found in the Kreider house. He’d have to guard his heart—he might have to give her up soon, and he didn't want to risk becoming too attached.

  Jonas leaned down to her level. “Can you talk, Zoe?”

  She looked at him and said in almost a whisper, “Yeth.”

  “Excellent!” He won himself another smile from her. Despite her slight lisp, her voice was a cute, hoarse whisper.

  Just then, Ingrid came in and greeted them. She knelt down and gave Zoe a hug. “Hello, Zoe.”

  Ingrid straightened and looked at Jonas. “Would you prefer I take her upstairs for meals?”

  Jonas knew he’d told her he wanted to distance himself, but he just didn’t have the heart to banish her from dining with family. “No, it’s fine.” He bent down and said to Zoe, “I’m going to eat your pancakes if you don’t eat them all.” Again, Zoe smiled.

  Ingrid placed Zoe at the table, and they were all surprised that she had fairly good table manners. Jonas was relieved, because it meant that the condition in which he’d found her had not been a long-standing one. He wondered what happened to her grandmother, who’d evidently treated the girl well while she was in her charge. Was she dead or alive? If she were alive, why would she leave her granddaughter like that?

  Jonas said the blessing, and they all then enjoyed the pancakes Thelma had made.

  Zoe ate almost two whole pancakes, and when she saw she'd left few pieces of the second pancake, she handed her plate to Jonas.

  Jonas looked at her. “What’s this?” he said.

  She gave him a mischievous smile.

  Jonas threw his head back, laughing. He ruffled her curly head. “Thank you, Zoe!”

  After breakfast, Ingrid took Zoe’s hand and asked Jonas, “Would it be all right to take Zoe for a walk around the ranch? She needs to get some fresh air before winter comes and we’re all hunkered down inside.”

  “Of course! Enjoy your walk,” he said.

  Jonas left the house and made his way to the stable. He had a man coming to pick up a stallion, and he had to groom him first, and put him in the corral. After he finished with the horse, he walked him to the corral and was surprised to see Zoe break free from Ingrid’s hand and race to the fence.

  “Horsey! Horsey!” she cried.

  Jonas opened the corral gate and joined her at the fence. “Do you like horsey, Zoe?” he asked.

  She nodded, without taking her eyes off the shiny, black stallion.

  Jonas winked at Ingrid. “C’mon Zoe, I’ll show you some nice horseys.” He took her hand and walked her to the area where he held the more passive horses. He picked her up, and sat her on the wall of a pretty colt’s stall. Ingrid followed, standing off to the side, and watching them.

  “Giddy up! Giddy up!” Zoe cried. Jonas laughed. He was seeing the stables through a child’s eyes, and was thrilled to be able to give her this experience.

  The horse came over to the gate near Zoe, and she didn’t back up or show any fright. She reached for the horse, but the horse was too far for her to touch, so Jonas brought her closer. Zoe patted the horse and giggled.

  “That is so precious,” a familiar voice said softly from behind. Both he and Zoe turned.

  “Ivy!” Jonas exclaimed. He thought he’d never see her again.

  “I told you I’d come to visit Zoe,” she said. She smiled at him, and then turned to the little girl who stared at her with wide, curious eyes. “Hello, Zoe.”

  Zoe clung to Jonas’s shirt and laid her head on his shoulder, but kept her eyes on Ivy. She began to suck her thumb as she had on the way home in the carriage on the day he'd rescued her. It seemed she only did that when she was frightened.

  “Zoe,” Jonas said softly. “This is my friend, Miss Ivy. She came here to meet you, and become your friend, too.” He gently removed the thumb from her mouth. “Is that all right?”

  Zoe loosened her hold on Jonas, and nodded.

  Ivy smiled at Zoe. “I like horses, too.” Ivy stroked the horse and then took Zoe’s hand and placed it on the horse’s nose. “I like to pet the nose, it’s so soft. Feel it?”

  Zoe giggled. She completely dropped her hold on Jonas’s shirt, and touched the horse’s nose with both hands. She giggled again. It was a sound that thrilled Jonas to no end.

  “Would you like to take a walk with me?” Ivy asked her.

  Zoe nodded.

  “Can you talk, Zoe?”

  Zoe nodded and then said, “Yeth.”

  Ivy turned to Jonas and whispered. “If you put her down on the ground and put her hand in mine she’ll know it’s all right to go with me. I’ll take her for a walk. We won’t be gone long.”

  Jonas did as she'd told him, and the two of them trotted off. Zoe turned to look back at Jonas, as if to make sure he was okay with her leaving. Jonas waved. “I’ll be here when you come back, Zoe,” he called after them.

  Jonas was grooming a horse when they returned. He thought Ivy looked especially beautiful in her red riding jacket with its white trim, and a black skirt. She wore her hair up in that style he’d seen her wear only once before. Not only did it make her look classy, but also it revealed the back of her beautiful neck, and he had to fight the urge to kiss it.

  “Her nanny's waiting on the porch. Shall I return her to her nanny now, so we can talk?” Ivy asked.

  “Sounds good,” he replied.

  But when Ivy tried to move Zoe toward the porch, Zoe said clearly, “No,” and she ran to grab Jonas’s leg again.

  Jonas smiled. He couldn’t help but be touched by her affection, as it had been a long time since anyone had shown him any. He bent down and picked her up. He hugged her, and kissed her forehead. “Zoe, you need to go with Ivy to Nanny, who will make you lunch. Zoe looked back and forth between Ivy and Jonas as if trying to make up her mind what to do.

  “Would you like me to come in and eat with you?” Jonas asked.

  “Yeth.”

  “All right. You go with Ivy and Nanny and I’ll be there in a few minutes.” He put her down, and put her hand into Ivy’s again.

  When Ivy returned, he led her into a small, cluttered office at the back of the stable that he used for buying and selling horses. A scar
red, cluttered, old desk, and two wooden chairs, were all the small room contained.

  “My office in the house is neater,” he said, by way of apologizing for the mess.

  Jonas waited for her to take a seat before sitting himself.

  “Well, she can talk, but she's shy,” Ivy began. “Her speech is probably equivalent to a three year-old's. She has a slight lisp, but that's not uncommon for age three, so she’s had some setbacks. I wonder how long she was living under the conditions you described. That would definitely set anybody back.” Ivy asked, “Is she the baby your wife gave birth to?”

  Jonas merely nodded. “So what’s the final verdict?”

  “I don’t think she’s ready for Sunday School, but with your permission, I’d like a few more visits with her. I’d like to work with her, and try to improve her speech.

  “She seems very attached to you already, Jonas. That surprises me. Were you seeing her regularly before the rescue?”

  Jonas sighed. “How much did Quinn tell you when he brought you home last night?”

  “Everything, I think.”

  “I figured he would. He’s a true friend, and he worries about me.” Jonas gave a little chuckle. “He nags me like an old fishwife.”

  “He really does care about you. And,” she hesitated, “so do I. I’m sorry about last night. I was confused and upset. I didn’t know what to think.”

  “I would have done the same in your place.”

  “I really felt horrible about it after Quinn explained your story to me.”

  “All right,” he said with a sigh. “I'll tell you everything. I saw Zoe when she was first born. The day of Minnie’s funeral, her grandmother, Beulah Kreider, took her, and I haven’t seen her since, but I’ve been supporting her, all this time.”

  “How?”

  “My instructions were to put the money into Beulah’s shed. Everything was going along nicely until a few months ago. That was when letters from her kept arriving and demanding more money. The demands increased until I was paying four times the originally agreed upon sum. She just kept asking me for more, and telling me that if I didn’t pay, she’d tell everyone my story.”

  “Quinn explained why you didn’t want that to happen,” she said.

  Jonas nodded. “So after the last letter, raising the amount once more, I took a ride with Caleb and decided to talk to her. Beulah wasn’t there, but a former saloon woman in a dirty dress was supposedly minding Zoe, and had been for some time, or so it seemed. The house was dirty, and smelled worse than a pig farm, and probably should have been condemned. We found Zoe in a caged-in bed, naked, and standing in her own waste. I wrapped her in a comforter, and brought her home.”

  “That explains a lot,” Ivy said, blinking away tears. “No wonder she's so shy and fearful. She was probably left in that cage-bed day after day, without any human interaction. Nevertheless, I think she's very bright. Her eyes seem to see everything, and she knows more than she can communicate.”

  "She sees you as her rescuer, but I’m sure she’d love you regardless.” Ivy gave him one of her stellar smiles. “You’re very good with her.”

  “I told her nanny to keep her away from me because I don’t want to become too fond of her, yet I find it impossible to resist her,” he said with a slight laugh.

  “Why do you feel the need to distance yourself from her?”

  “I was afraid of becoming too attached to her, but of course, it’s already too late.” He shook his head. “Her grandmother, or any other family member, could come and take her away from me at any time.”

  “No, they can’t. Why would you think that?” Ivy asked.

  “They did it before. Anyone can see she isn’t my real—”

  “Hogwash!” Ivy interrupted forcefully.

  Jonas was taken aback by her strong reaction. He’d never heard her utter a word that wasn’t sweet and soft-spoken.

  “Hogwash,” she repeated softer. “She’s yours. You are legally her father. No one can take her from you. You were married to her mother when she was born. It doesn’t matter what she looks like—she’s your daughter.”

  “Really? That’s how it works?” he asked.

  “Yes. I'll bet her birth record even lists you as her father, and her name's probably Zoe Armstrong. You can check at the courthouse if you like. Besides, you’ve been supporting her the whole time. She’s yours. Grow as attached as you’d like. She needs it, the sweet little thing.”

  Ivy stood. “I’ve kept you from your work long enough.”

  Jonas stood, also. “I’ll walk you to your horse.”

  He helped her up onto her horse. She looked down at him and said, “I never thanked you for coming to my rescue last night. Thank you. And again, I am so sorry.”

  After a fun lunch with Zoe, Jonas rode to the courthouse and the clerk found Zoe’s birth record, composed of no more than a name on a long list of babies born that year. But her name was Zoe Armstrong, and the father of record was Jonas Armstrong. He smiled.

  “Can I get a copy of this?” he asked the clerk.

  “I’m afraid not,” he said. “But I can make you a certificate. It will cost you a dollar.”

  Jonas paid the man, and waited for the documents. Now no one could take Zoe from him. She was his. He felt happier than he’d felt in a long time.

  Chapter 10

  Jonas felt relieved that Ivy no longer feared him. He also was glad, he supposed, that she knew the truth. Now she’d understand why they could never be more than friends, and why he refused to pull her good standing down by her association with him.

  Jonas had purchased several copies of Zoe's birth document, and he put them all away except for one, which he framed, and hung in the sitting room for all to see. When he was done, he called Thelma into the room.

  “See that document, Thelma?” he asked. “If anyone comes here when I’m not home and wants to take Zoe, you show them this document, and you don’t let them take her. She’s mine.”

  Thelma stepped up to the document. “That’s impressive,” she said. “She definitely is a keeper. I’m happy for you, Jonas, you need someone to care about.”

  Jonas also showed the document to Ingrid and Zoe. Although he knew Zoe couldn’t read it, he pointed to the document, and then to himself, and said, “Father.”

  Zoe looked confused.

  Ingrid said, “In Sweden, we called father: fader, or pappa.”

  “Really?” Jonas asked. “What should I have her call me?”

  “Well, out here in Kansas I hear children say, pa, or papa.”

  “Strange they don’t call father, fafa,” he laughed. “Since I want her to fit in with everyone around here, I choose papa.”

  Jonas pointed to Zoe, and then to himself, and said, “Papa.”

  Zoe repeated, “Papa,” in a whisper. Then she smiled and exclaimed, “Papa!”

  It was a gorgeous fall day, the trees were aflame with bright colors, and the air was warm with just the touch of a cool breeze. Ivy rode down to visit Zoe, admiring the scenery along the country roads. When she turned onto Jonas’s pathway, she saw him walking a horse around the corral. Why did her heart always seem to beat faster whenever she caught a glimpse of him? He wore his sleeves rolled up as he led a pinto horse around the area. She slid off her horse, and stood at the corral fence and watched him. His arm muscles strained against his shirt, and a stray curl dangled down his forehead. Ivy was as attracted to him today as she was the first time she she’d seen him. She could watch him all day.

  He bent to check the horse’s hoof, but then swung suddenly around. “Ivy!” he called. “I had the feeling someone was watching me. How long have you been standing there?”

  “Not long. I came to visit Zoe.”

  Jonas walked to the gate, opened it, walked through, and closed it behind him. “She’s not here. Ingrid took her to see Doc for a checkup.”

  Beads of sweat had broken out on his forehead. The perspiration emitted the scent of his male musk, mi
xed with whatever he’d used to shave with.

  “That’s a good idea. They might already have a record started on her,” Ivy said.

  “I hope so. And you were right. I went to the courthouse and got my daughter’s birth certificate. It’s framed in the sitting room.”

  “Oh, Jonas! Can I see it?” she asked.

  “You may.” He wiped his face with his handkerchief. “C’mon.” He motioned for her to follow him.

  They entered through the kitchen, and Jonas introduced Ivy to Thelma, who was up to her elbows in some sort of dough. He led Ivy straight through to the sitting room.

  “Your home is lovely,” Ivy said as she gazed around. She noted that it didn’t look much like a bachelor’s home, as it was neat, tidy, and tastefully decorated.

  Jonas pointed proudly to a framed document on the wall.

  Ivy stepped up to the framed document, and read it. She smiled. “Well done, Jonas.” She was touched by the pride he took in having a daughter. Every day this man amazed her, and it only made her want him more. She didn’t know how she could have ever believed Boyd, even for a moment. She chalked it up to her traumatic experience.

  “Now she's calling me Papa. I’ve been called many names in my lifetime, but that's one I’ll never tire of hearing.”

  Ivy noticed that his face glowed with happiness, which made her feel warm all over.

  “Last night, when I went to say goodnight, she wanted a bedtime story. I didn’t have any books to read from, so I made a story up, and she seemed to love it. I will have to go to pick up some children’s books,” he said, “for I don’t think I can come up with a new story every night.”

  “Well,” Ivy began, “now that Zoe isn’t here, I have a whole afternoon with nothing to do.”

  “I’m sorry, Ivy. If you’d like, I can let you help Mac and Harry clean stalls,” he said with a grin.

  “No thanks! But, if you aren’t busy, I wonder if maybe we could ride into town and see about getting some books for Zoe,” she said.