Shadow of Shame: Book 1 of the Shadow series

by Barbara Goss

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ivy. Although it would have been fun.” His face suddenly lost all its radiance.

  “Why? Are you busy today?”

  “I don’t have to make excuses anymore, since you know my whole story. It’s because you shouldn’t be seen with me. It’s for the best, Ivy.”

  “That’s ridiculous. I told my father all about you rescuing a child, and Jonas, he's happy that I’m helping you with Zoe. He even told me to tell you he’d be happy to help in any way himself.”

  “It’s not the same, as being seen with me in town. Sooner or later, someone who remembers will bring up my past. Not only would that hurt your reputation, but it would get back to your father, and he wouldn’t think me so much of a hero then.”

  Ivy pouted. “I really wanted to spend some time with you today, Jonas.” There. She’d said it. Someone had to make the first move, and if he wasn't about to, she would do it herself.

  He gave her a puzzled look. “Why?”

  She shrugged, unsure of how bold she should be. “I like you—we’re friends.”

  “I like you, too, Ivy. And I value that friendship, and that’s my main reason for not wanting to drag you down by being seen with me,” he said.

  “What if I don’t care?”

  “Then someone who does care needs to stop you.”

  “All right,” she said. “How about we take the horses out back for a quick ride together instead?”

  He grinned. “I guess there’s no harm in that. And, if it’s another race you want, this time I won’t let you win.”

  “You let me win the last time?”

  “Only because I was watching to make sure you and Lucky were compatible.”

  “Oh, we are. I just love him,” she said. “There’s only one problem with him.”

  Jonas looked concerned. “What's that?”

  “He won’t come when I whistle.”

  “He won’t?” Jonas scratched his head. “I don’t know why not.”

  “Maybe because I never learned to whistle.” She laughed.

  He gave her one of his loud laughs that she loved.

  Side by side, they trotted to the fields behind the house. Jonas had chosen an appaloosa to ride.

  “How about we race to that tree again?” she asked.

  “On three, you count,” he said.

  “One, two, three!” She nudged Lucky with her body, and he took off like lightning. She held on tightly and enjoyed the run. It felt exhilarating. She could feel and hear rather than see Jonas almost abreast of her. She nudged Lucky, “C’mon, boy, we need to go faster.”

  Jonas pulled up alongside her. He didn’t pass her, though she knew he could. His horse was bigger and much faster. Instead, he stayed at her side, making sure the race was a tie by the time they'd reached the tree.

  “You could have beat me,” she said.

  “Possibly.” He grinned. “But maybe my horse has a crush on your horse and didn't want to pull away from him.”

  “Your horse is a female?” she asked.

  “Yep.” He laughed. “I could have picked one of my stallions, and you’d still be trying to catch up.”

  “Thanks for that.” She laughed.

  “Who taught you to ride?” he asked. “You’re an excellent rider.”

  “I was fortunate. I grew up in Kansas City, and our neighbor ran one of the local liveries there. Flo, his wife, taught me to ride when I was about Zoe’s age. She used to ride horses in shows, and she even competed in harness racing. Flo was in her sixties when we moved to Leavenworth. I never saw a greater horsewoman. I hear she’s still riding and racing.”

  “I never saw anyone with such poise on a horse as you. The first time I saw you ride, I thought how great it would be to have you ride my horses at the auctions and at horse shows. I’d sell them all at a much better price!” He grinned.

  “I would do that!” she said, excited to be a part of anything in his life.

  “Again, not a good idea, Ivy. I’ll be paying for my mistakes for a long, long, time.”

  “Let’s walk the horses back so we can talk,” Ivy said. She needed to somehow talk him out of his self-punishment. Though his sins were forgiven, he still felt them as if they were a heavy burden he carried on his back. It wasn’t right for him to live like that. She resolved to make it her mission to help him get over it—and she’d enjoy every moment of it.

  As they trudged along the field leading their horses, Ivy tried to think of a way to persuade Jonas to stop blaming himself for his past.

  “Jonas,” she began, “you go to church, so surely you realize that God has forgiven you. Why can’t you forgive yourself?”

  Jonas took so long to answer that Ivy thought he wouldn't reply. Finally, he sighed, and said, “I know I’m forgiven for the things that I’ve changed. I no longer go to saloons or fornicate, so I’m past that guilt. I just find it hard to forgive myself for the things I can’t change.”

  “Like what?” she asked.

  “Like for ignoring Minnie for the whole time we were married. I couldn’t forgive her for picking me out as the father of her child, when every male in town could have been named. I couldn’t get over that at eighteen years old, she’d ruined my life. Her last days on earth must have been unhappy ones, and I feel badly for that.”

  “Sounds to me as though she made her own life choices, Jonas. I would have reacted in the same way in your place.”

  “That’s just it. Her mother wasn’t any better than she was, so how could Minnie grow up any different? I should have seen that, and forgiven her for living the only life she knew how to live.” He sighed. “I’m thankful that I’ve saved Zoe from having a similar life if she’d stayed with Beulah.”

  “That is a good thing,” Ivy said. “I still think you’re being too hard on yourself. You're saying you believe you’re forgiven because you’ve atoned for your sins, but with God, that isn’t necessary. All you have to do is ask and he forgives.”

  Jonas shook his head. “But after you’re sorry, you make sure you never do those things again. And I have, but there's no way I can change how I treated Minnie.”

  “But if she were here you’d act differently toward her, and God knows that,” she said.

  Ivy sighed. “If I were you, I’d go into town and dare anyone to say anything. If they do—it will be over with, and you can stop avoiding peop—”

  One minute Ivy was walking along beside Jonas, and the next she was on the ground holding her ankle.

  “Ivy!” Jonas bent down, “Are you all right?”

  “I stepped in a hole or something,” she said.

  He knelt down beside her. “It’s probably some type of critter hole. Let me help you up.”

  Jonas took both of her hands and tried to pull her up, but was unable to put any weight on her ankle, and she plopped back down.

  “Wait, Jonas,” she said. “Let me sit here a moment, and then maybe I can help you more.”

  “I think I should try lifting you by the waist. Would that be all right?” he asked. “It puts too much pressure on your ankle if I just pull your arms.”

  “Yes, good idea,” she said, through her pain. She knew she hadn’t fallen on purpose, but it surely worked out well when it came to spending quality time with him. She just wished it wasn’t so painful.

  Jonas reached down, grabbed her waist gingerly, and pulled her up. The feel of his warm hands on her waist made her momentarily forget the pain in her ankle. She put all of her weight on her right foot, but had to lean heavily on Jonas’s hip. His hand quickly transferred from her waist to around her shoulders to help her stay balanced.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “Yes, but please don’t let go of me. I can’t put any pressure on my left foot.”

  Ivy thought to take full advantage of the situation, since it had presented itself so perfectly. She put her arm around his neck, and felt tremors throughout her entire body. This was the closest she’d ever bee
n to him, and it was making her feel strange inside. Was it because she was doing something forbidden, or because she’d fallen in love with him? She felt herself being pulled even closer to him, but she wasn’t sure who was doing the pulling.

  She felt his breath on her cheek, and wished she could stay in his arms forever.

  Jonas couldn’t resist pulling her even closer to him when she put her arm around his neck. It had been five years since he’d been this close to any woman. Of all the women, it had to be the one with whom he'd had the least resistance. He wondered if she felt the same magnetism he did. If he picked his head up, his chin would rest on her head, but he had his head down, looking at her ankle, so his lips were almost touching her cheek. He said, “I’ll try to get you back to the ranch by carrying you if I have to.” He kissed her cheek swiftly.

  When he’d pecked her cheek, she’d leaned even closer to him, and turned her head up to look up at him. Her lips were right there—and they were so tempting, and just an inch from his lips. God help him! He couldn’t help himself. He brought his lips to hers and kissed her. He had only meant to give her a peck, but she moved her hands to the back of his head and actually held his lips to hers. When she fervently returned the kiss, he lost all desire to resist, and thought he’d died and gone to heaven. Before he knew it, both of his arms were around her, and he pulled her close. Somehow her mouth opened, and before he could stop it, his tongue was inside her mouth, searching—for what he didn’t know.

  He knew he should stop, but it felt so good. Her lips and mouth felt so warm, and the way she responded was glorious. She followed his lead, and began searching his mouth with her tongue. He prayed for help. He’d lost all willpower. When he finally pulled away gently, he saw that her eyes were closed, and she had a look of desire on her face that told him she felt the same way. For some reason, he suddenly lost all control, and he dove back for another kiss. He thought he’d never be able to stop. Why didn’t she stop him? He felt as though his insides were being sucked through a tunnel that wouldn’t let him leave.

  Ivy had moaned when he went back for the second kiss. She caressed his neck, and then her hands slowly moved to caress his chest. Before he knew it, her hands had slid around his waist. The movement jolted him back into control. This had to stop. He couldn’t take any more. He'd promised God he’d never take advantage of another woman. He gently pulled her arms from his waist and held her away from him, still supporting her with his hip so she wouldn’t fall.

  “I’m sorry for that, Ivy. That should never have happened. I guess my willpower is weak.”

  She smiled. “I’m not one bit sorry, Jonas. Do you know that was my very first kiss? Well, besides a peck on the cheek from a boy in Leavenworth.” She looked up into his face and said softly. “Let yourself enjoy life, and romance again, Jonas. Don’t be afraid to love again.”

  “This can’t be. We can never be. I made a promise to God that I’d never take advantage of a woman again. And here I am doing that very thing.”

  “Stop!” Forgetting she'd injured her foot, she stamped it, and then cried out in pain.

  “I have to get you back. I’m going to have to carry you to your horse. Put your arms around my neck, but no more kissing, all right?” he winked in an effort to soften his harsh words.

  “You have to stop punishing yourself, Jonas. Because now you’re punishing me as well.” Her lower lip pouted. “Let us be a couple. I can handle whatever problems that will come with it.”

  “Are you ready?” he asked. “Put your arms around my neck and I’ll carry you to Lucky.”

  She put her arms around his neck, and he picked her up and started walking with her. She rested her head on his chest. He prayed for willpower. Her body felt so good against his. He knew what he had to do, and it would be the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. He had to set her free.

  Chapter 11

  Once Jonas had placed Ivy onto Lucky, he felt relieved. He couldn’t have withstood her closeness for too much longer. He mounted his horse and turned to her. “Will you be all right?”

  “My foot is too sore to go into the stirrups, so we’ll have to go slow,” she said.

  They slowly walked the horses back to the barn, where he slipped off of his horse, and was about to help Ivy down, when Zoe ran up to him, clad in a light blue, ruffled dress that Ivy had picked out at the dry goods store. The dress was about 4 inches too short for her, but the sight of her pantaloons hanging down to her ankles made Jonas chuckle. What was the sense of having ruffled pantaloons if no one could see them?

  “Papa! Papa!”

  He turned, picked her up, and hugged her. “Our friend Miss Ivy hurt her foot, honey. I’m going to take her home in the buggy. Would you like to come with us?”

  He heard an enthusiastic, “Yeth!”

  “All right.” He lowered her to the ground. “First I need to get Miss Ivy into the buggy.” He reached up and slid Ivy slowly to the ground. She kept her left foot in the air.

  “Miss Ivy, I’m going to carry you to the buggy.” He winked at her, and whispered, “Now you behave.”

  She smiled. “Is that why you invited Zoe to accompany us?”

  “I’m offended that you would even think that,” Jonas said. He carried her to the buggy and set her onto the seat. “She’s our chaperone.”

  Ivy grabbed his arm as he let go of her. “We need to talk, Jonas. Soon.”

  He nodded. “I agree, and we will. Very soon.”

  Zoe sat on Ivy’s lap on the ride to the Jeffries’ house. She was fairly quiet, except for a few “Giddy ups” along the way.

  When they reached the Jeffries home, Jonas jumped down from the buggy and told Ivy, “Stay right there. I’m going to get one of your parents and explain what happened before I carry you in.”

  Ivy nodded.

  Jonas knocked on the front door, and Reverend Jeffries answered. He looked at Jonas with curiosity, since he’d never met him.

  “Reverend Jeffries, I’m Jonas Armstrong, and—”

  “Oh! Come in, come in,” Jeffries held the door wide.

  “No, I can’t stay.” He pointed to the buggy parked in the yard. “I’m bringing Ivy home. She hurt her ankle walking with her horse. She’s in the buggy.”

  “How bad is it?" Jeffries asked, walking quickly in Ivy's direction.

  “I’m not sure.”

  When he got to her, Jeffries lifted Ivy’s riding skirt and pulled off her boot. He pressed on it, and she gasped. “Looks like a sprain. How’d it happen?” He replaced her boot.

  Ivy explained, and her father listened, looking at Zoe all the while. He winked at her. When Ivy finished telling him how it had happened, he held his arms out to Zoe.

  Zoe was still sitting on Ivy’s lap, and she quickly turned to look at her.

  Ivy smiled at her. “That’s my Papa. It’s okay, Zoe.”

  Zoe went with Reverend Jeffries, but twisted her head around to be sure that her Papa was coming too.

  “I’ve heard all about you, Miss Zoe. How about coming inside my house? I bet Mrs. Jeffries has some freshly baked cookies cooling. How about that?”

  Zoe smiled and nodded, still keeping her eyes on her Papa.

  “You don’t mind carrying my daughter in while I carry Zoe, do you Jonas?” Reverend Jeffries asked.

  Jonas shook his head. “No, sir. I’ll carry her in.” He looked at Ivy and shrugged, “I don’t mind at all.” Jonas was shocked that Ivy’s father would allow him to carry Ivy into the house. Carrying a woman was an intimate gesture. If her father only knew—

  Hiram Jeffries led them into the sitting room, and Jonas slipped Ivy gently onto the sofa.

  “You okay?” Jonas whispered.

  Ivy nodded, and she slipped off her boot. She was thrilled that her father was playing host to Jonas and Zoe. This was just the confidence Jonas needed.

  “Sit down for a minute, Jonas,” Hiram said. “I want to get my wife so she can meet you and Zoe. We’ve heard so much about both o
f you.” He handed Zoe to Jonas.

  Ivy’s father disappeared through a doorway, and returned a moment later, pulling his wife with him. “Lavinia, this is Jonas Armstrong, and little Zoe…Hmm, I’m sorry, Jonas, but does Zoe have a last name?”

  Ivy watched Jonas pale. Luckily, before he could answer, Lavinia saw Ivy’s foot. “Ivy! What happened to your foot?”

  “Just a bad turn or sprain, no need to worry,” Ivy said. “Zoe was promised one of your cookies.”

  Lavinia turned to Zoe and smiled. “You will be the very first to try this new cookie recipe, so will you tell me whether the cookie is good or bad?”

  Zoe nodded, wide-eyed.

  Lavinia left the room.

  “Jonas,” Hiram began, “I’ve told the congregation about you and Zoe, and how you saved her from a horrible situation. They have collected toys, clothing, and books for Zoe. If it’s all right with you, I’ll drop them off sometime this week.”

  “That's very kind of you and your congregation,” Jonas said, “but I can afford to buy those things—I’m just horrible at shopping.”

  “I told my father how I helped you in the dry goods store. He was amused,” Ivy said.

  “I would have been the same in your situation, Jonas,” he said. “Lavinia and the girls do all my shopping.”

  “Sit down, Jonas. You too, Zoe. You can’t leave right away. We want to get to know you better,” Hiram said.

  Ivy beamed at Jonas.

  Jonas took a seat, and put Zoe on his lap.

  Lavinia returned with a tray of tea and a plate of cookies. She gave Zoe a cookie first, and then poured tea, and handed each person a cup atop a lovely matching saucer. Then Lavinia left the room and came back moments later with a wet cloth, which she wrapped around Ivy’s ankle. “It’s cool, so it'll help the swelling go down. It doesn’t look too bad, Ivy. You may have to stay off of it for a day or two.”

  Ivy welcomed the relief the cool cloth brought to her inflamed ankle.

  Meanwhile, Hiram was talking to Jonas about his church. “So you go to Trinity? That’s a coincidence, because just today I had a meeting with Reverend Shields. We’re thinking of merging our congregations. Trinity’s congregation has dwindled, and ours is growing. We think it’s because of our starting the Sunday School. Shields is afraid Trinity waited too long to start one, and now it’s too late. Since Shields is near retirement age, we're working on a deal that'll seamlessly merge both our churches. The people really love the Sunday School, and they’ve started coming to us in droves.”