Shadow of Shame: Book 1 of the Shadow series

by Barbara Goss

  Again, Ivy noticed Jonas paling. She remembered Quinn telling her that he’d been asked to leave Grace Church five years ago. Surely, he wasn’t afraid to come back now.

  “Anyway,” Hiram Jeffries continued, “he tells me you're the director of music at Trinity. That’s fantastic because we're in need of one. Would you consider filling that job for us if we merge?”

  “I’ll have to think about it,” Jonas answered.

  Lavinia returned and knelt down to Zoe’s level. “Well, I’m anxious to hear your opinion about my cookie. Was it good? Or was it bad?”

  “Good,” Zoe said, licking the chocolate from her fingers. She couldn’t get the chocolate completely off, so she held her hands out to Jonas, “Papa, dirty!”

  Lavinia jumped up. “I’ll get her a cloth.”

  “Papa?” Hiram asked with a curious look.

  “He’s adopting her,” Ivy cut in quickly.

  “Oh! Well, God bless you, Jonas! I hope things work out, and that you'll come to our church. I’d be proud to have you there.”

  Jonas fumed all the way home. Why did Ivy tell her father that he was adopting Zoe? Didn’t she realize he’d soon find out differently? And to find out his beloved church was merging—it was all he could do to keep a polite attitude while he was there.

  They were wonderful, well-meaning people, and they did treat Zoe wonderfully. How would they feel when they found out the truth? Oh, why did Ivy have to hurt her ankle and put him in this awkward situation?

  There was only one thing to do—he had to cut off his relationship with Ivy. She'd be hurt because of it, but it had to be done. He had no choice.

  Zoe laid her head on his lap while he drove, and his anger evaporated. She must be tired. He patted her back. “Almost home, Zoe.”

  In the morning, his father and Caleb stopped by. They hadn’t seen Zoe since the day he’d rescued her.

  “Is that the same child?” George Armstrong asked, gazing at the adorable child, dressed in a blue and white gingham dress, with a blue bow in her hair, sitting in the kitchen with Ingrid.

  “Yes, it is,” Jonas said proudly. “And I want you both to see this.” Jonas pointed to the document on the wall. Both Caleb and George drew closer to read it.

  “Zoe Armstrong?” George and Caleb said in unison.

  “Yes. I guess when a wife has a baby, no matter who fathered the babe, it receives the husband’s name. I’m glad. I would have adopted her anyway. I’ve fallen in love with her.”

  Zoe came running into the sitting room and wrapped her arms around his legs. “Papa!”

  George knelt down, “Zoe, I’m Grandpapa. Can you call me that?”

  Zoe looked up at Jonas. He nodded. She said, “Gram Papa.”

  George smiled. “That’s perfect.” George looked up at Caleb. “Well?”

  Then Caleb rolled his eyes and knelt down. “My name is Uncle Cal. Can you say that, Zoe?”

  Zoe smiled. “Unca Cal.” Caleb smiled at her and winked.

  “She’s had some setbacks in her speech, but we’re working on it. In fact, Ivy Jeffries has been coming by and working with her,” Jonas explained. “Zoe will catch up.”

  Ingrid came in. “Zoe, it’s time for our walk.”

  Zoe grabbed Jonas’s leg. “No!”

  Jonas picked her up. “Yes, Zoe. You need fresh air to make you grow big and strong. Be a good girl and go with Nanny.”

  Ingrid said, “Zoe, I have some bread crumbs to feed the ducks and squirrels.”

  Zoe let go of Jonas and went outside with Ingrid.

  Jonas looked at his father and Caleb. “Thank you for accepting Zoe.”

  “She’s your daughter—why wouldn’t we?” George said.

  “Now, to get down to what we really stopped for,” George said. “I’ve been asking around in Beulah’s neighborhood, and no one has seen her since June. They've also seen this Mr. E. around several times, but they all describe him exactly as the babysitter had.”

  “There is one thing I didn’t mention,” Jonas said. “The babysitter said she’d been with him before, and that she'd met him at the saloon where she worked. I can’t recall which saloon, I was so upset when she was telling me all of this. Anyway, she said everyone knew him by Mr. E. So maybe we could go into some of the saloons and see if we can't find out more about this mysterious Mr. E. fellow.”

  “Just the kind of place we all try to stay away from. Which one of us should go and see what we can discover?” George asked.

  “Definitely not me,” Jonas said.

  “Me either,” Caleb said.

  “All right that leaves—no one!” George laughed and shrugged. “I’ll do it.”

  The swelling on Ivy’s ankle had gone down, and she was able to limp around and put a bit of weight on it. She sat on the sofa, knitting a pair of mittens for Zoe. With winter coming, she wanted to be sure Zoe would keep warm.

  Ivy was fond of Zoe, but she found herself feeling a bit jealous of her. Was there room in Jonas’s heart for more than Zoe? She quickly banished the thought. She realized love for a child was a different kind of love than romantic love. The love she had for her sisters and parents were different than the love she felt for Jonas.

  “You have a visitor!” Lavinia called, and Peggy followed Ivy’s mother into the sitting room.

  “Oh, you poor dear.” Peggy plopped down on the sofa. She handed Ivy a covered dish. “I made you some cookies. They always make me feel better.”

  “Thank you, Peggy. How sweet of you,” Ivy said. “I’m not sick, though. My ankle's just a bit sore.”

  “Your mother told me about your fall,” Peggy said. “While you were with Jonas, no less. How are you two hitting it off?”

  Ivy had no intention of telling Peggy how she really felt about Jonas. It was too soon. So she said, “He’s a good friend. I’m helping his—the child he has taken in—with her speech and learning. As usual, Jonas keeps pretty much to himself, but he’s really taken with the little girl.”

  “Lucas Smith said he saw her and Jonas the other day walking into your house. He said the little girl is colored. I wonder how she came to be in Abilene, since there've been no colored families living here since Samson left,” Peggy said.

  Ivy thought quickly. “Well…he found her on the west side of town, so there must have been a family there that no one around here knew about.” Ivy prided herself on having not told a lie.

  “Do you think her parents were slaves from the South?” Peggy asked.

  “Maybe,” Ivy said. “Or her grandparents were. Regardless, she's adorable. I’m quite taken with her.”

  “I also came to tell you that Edward has been courting Hattie. Hattie, of all people! I’m beyond heartbroken,” she said.

  “You don’t look heartbroken,” Ivy said.

  “Ivy, you can’t see my heart, so how would you know if it were broken? I can tell you: it is.”

  “I’m sorry, then. Maybe it’s not a serious courting, and he’ll soon discover he really cares for you.”

  “He’s never cared for me—it was always me chasing him.”

  “Ivy, you have another visitor!” her mother announced. “You are popular today." She led Jonas into the sitting room.

  “Jonas!” Ivy sat up straighter. Her hand automatically went to her hair to be sure it wasn’t too messy. “You know Peggy, of course.”

  Peggy greeted him, and then said, “I heard what happened at the dance, and I also want to thank you for rescuing Ivy.”

  Jonas smiled with a shrug.

  “And you know,” Peggy continued, “no one has seen Boyd since. I suppose he’s too ashamed to face anyone.”

  “I think you’re right, Peggy,” Ivy said. She put her knitting back into her bag.

  “Well, I’ll let you two catch up on news. I have to babysit the McCoy twins,” Peggy grimaced, and left the room with a wave.

  Jonas took a seat on the wing chair across from the sofa. “I just stopped by to see how you were doing. How’s
the ankle?”

  “Much better," she answered. She patted the sofa cushion next to her. “Sit here, Jonas. We need to talk, and I don’t want to shout across the room.”

  He moved to the farthest side of her sofa. “I agree. I'm apologizing again for what happened the other day. I had a weak moment. I’m sorry it happened.”

  “Is that all it was to you, Jonas?” she asked. "A weak moment?"

  “Yes. Do you accept my apology?”

  “No, because for me it wasn’t just a weak moment,” she said. “It meant something to me. I will never regret that it happened. I’ll always cherish those kisses.”

  Jonas looked down at his hands, fiddling with them. Ivy waited to hear his response to her pronouncement.

  Finally, he said, “The kiss was a mistake. It meant nothing to me other than that I need to learn how to control myself better in the future.”

  His words wrapped around her heart and squeezed. She sat speechless. She knew from experience that her cheeks must be burning red.

  “I have to go. I just wanted to make sure you were healing.”

  “Why?” she asked. “Because it happened on your property?”

  “Ivy, can’t we still be friends? I value your friendship, but I felt the need to set the record straight. I don’t want you hurt later about anything—”

  “No worries, Jonas, I’m fine.” Ivy forced her words. “As soon as I can walk properly I’ll be coming to visit Zoe. I’m sure you can keep yourself busy elsewhere while I work with her.”

  “I’m sorry,” Jonas said. He stood and walked to the archway where he’d entered. “Take care.”

  All the way home, Jonas felt a hurt deep in his chest. He loved Ivy, yet he’d had to hurt her. There was no other way. He couldn’t ruin her life by her being associated with him.

  Later that day, Jonas turned from watching a new horse run in the corral to see a wagon come down the lane. He walked over to meet it and was surprised to see Reverend Hiram Jeffries driving the wagon. His first thought was that the man was coming to chastise him for the rude treatment of his daughter.

  After mutual greetings, Hiram announced, “I have the things my church collected for Zoe.”

  Jonas looked into the back of the wagon. It was loaded with boxes. Some of them had an assortment of objects sticking out the tops. He saw books and dolls, as well as clothing. He was a bit embarrassed that the people should think Zoe a charity case, but to refuse them would be rude.

  “Please thank them for me,” was all Jonas could manage to say.

  “It's a good cause, Jonas. You’re a hero,” Hiram said.

  “Sir, I’m glad you stopped by. I’d like a word with you. Would you mind coming inside?”

  “Certainly. Then I’ll help you unpack the donations.”

  Jonas led him into his home office, because it was neater.

  They sat, Jonas behind his desk, and Hiram seated in a chair on the side of the desk.

  “What’s on your mind, Jonas? Is it about coming to our church?”

  “No,” Jonas said with sadness. “If the merger goes through, I’m afraid I’ll be without a church.”

  “What? You’ll never—"

  “Let me explain.” Jonas cut in. “I have a story to tell you, and I only ask that you listen and not say anything until I’m finished, all right?” Jonas asked.

  “Certainly,” Hiram said. “I’m a very good listener.”

  Jonas proceeded to tell Hiram Jeffries the whole story. He didn’t look at Hiram as he spoke, because he didn’t want to see the look of horror on his face. When he was finished, he looked at Hiram, and much to his surprise, saw absolutely no expression at all on his face.

  “That's a very interesting story, Jonas,” he said. “Does Ivy know the whole story?”

  “Yes,” and then Jonas went on to explain what happened at the barn dance, and how Ivy found out. “Then, of course, I filled her in on the details. She knows everything.”

  “Thank you for rescuing her,” he said. His face expressed deep thought.

  “I couldn’t have you thinking of me as a hero, and I don’t want to lie to you about Zoe. I’m proud that she has my name and is my daughter,” Jonas said.

  Jonas waited for the minister to lambaste him, and tell him to never cross his path or his daughter’s again. Instead, he remained silent, as if in thought. He felt sure he would put an end to his ever seeing Ivy again.

  Finally, Hiram spoke. “I think you’d like our church, Jonas.”

  Jonas’s mouth hung open in surprise. “You still want me there?”

  “Don’t be silly. Of course I do. You’ve more than atoned for your sins, and God has forgiven you. Do you expect less from me, His servant?”

  Jonas wasn’t sure about what he might say next, but the words popped out before he could stop them. “One of the reasons I told you all this was because I think Ivy’s developed tender feelings for me, and I’d hoped my story would cause you to—“

  “To tell her to stop having feelings for you?” Hiram said. “To forbid her from seeing you? Nonsense. I’ll do the opposite. I’d be proud to have you court my daughter. I’d feel safer with her in your hands than anyone else’s. I know you’d never make those mistakes again by the way you’re punishing yourself now.

  “Come back to Grace Church. No one there will dare say a harsh word about you, trust me. I’ll tell them in advance, if you decide to come. I’ll build up your character so that no one will dare say a word against you. Once they know you have my approval, you won’t have to worry.”

  Hiram cleared his throat. “However, I do need to tell you a few things about forgiveness and guilt.

  “To continue to punish yourself for sins for which Jesus died is an insult in the face of God. Do you feel it right to spend time in misery to show your proper penance? Do you think God wants you to feel bad for your sins after he's already forgiven them?”

  “I feel,” Jonas said, “like I need to be humble, and I feel unworthy for the horrible person I was. I feel as though I no longer have the right to be happy and enjoy life. At least until Zoe. She’s brightened my life so much.”

  “I understand, but guilt is one of the biggest reasons so many live defeated lives. Satan is using that against you, and you need to fight back. Are you going to let Satan win? Guilt can make you feel dirty and unworthy, and it will eventually rob you of faith and confidence in God and His forgiveness. Jonas, you need to dump that guilt.

  “You are being held in bondage by your past. You need to move on from it with a clean slate.

  “Well, Jonas? Say something. Have I managed to knock some sense into you?”

  Jonas nodded. He’d never thought about Satan being the one pulling him down. He finally said, “No one has ever said the things you just have, and I know, in my heart, what you said is true, but I still feel undeserving.”

  Hiram said, “2 Corinthians 5:17, ‘Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.’

  “Why do you think God wanted us to be new creations when we enter His royal family? Because He doesn't want your past to be a part of you anymore. He wants you to be washed clean from all your sins and wiped clean from your past!”

  “It’s all up to you now, Jonas.” Reverend Hiram Jeffries stood and walked to the door of the office. Jonas rose and met him there. He then threw his arms around Hiram and wept in his arms. Hiram let him weep.

  Jonas finally pulled away and said, “Thank you.”

  “Does this mean you no longer want me to forbid my daughter to see you? Because I wouldn’t have anyway. She’d be courted by a man with the cleanest slate in Kansas. If that’s what you want, that is.”

  “I didn’t want my reputation to pull her down. I didn’t want her to be seen with me. I felt like I wasn’t worthy to shine her shoes,” Jonas said. “So I’m afraid I purposely hurt her to scare her away.”

  “No wonder she’s had the doldrums. That’s u
p to you two to figure out, but you won’t get an argument from me when you do.

  “Ivy will be up and about in a few days, and I’m going to make sure she continues to see Zoe, since she’s behind in her speech, and I know Ivy can help her. She’s been working with children her age for some time at church. You see, we’ve always done more with the children than just teach them the Bible. We believe in seeing to their physical needs as well as their spiritual needs.”

  “I like that,” Jonas said. He felt relieved after having confessed all to Ivy’s father, and he was so glad he had. Now he felt like he might actually be able to put it behind him. No way would he let Satan win.

  “Now,” Hiram said, “I’d like to find that Boyd Egan and give him a piece of my mind.”

  Chapter 12

  Jonas leaned against the fence watching his newest colt. She could barely stand last week, and now she owned the corral, with her mother looking serenely on. Jonas wondered if someday he’d watch his Zoe go off on her own, too. He hoped it wouldn't be for a long time yet.

  He pulled his collar up against the cold breeze, and turned to the sound of someone coming down the path in a buggy. It was Ivy. Just the opportunity he’d yearned for. After much thought, and a lot of prayer, he knew he had to apologize for his cruel words that day at her house. He was sure she’d understand why he had to say those things. He wondered, though, why she was driving a buggy instead of riding Lucky.

  He waved, but she seemed to look right through him. He approached as she alighted from the buggy, but she didn’t even smile or greet him.