Denial

by R. M. Walker

  “A history professor.”

  “You planted that coin when you took the first one out of my ear, didn’t you?” she asked. He’d performed a simple trick—one she’d seen many times—but something made her doubt that it was just a trick, that he was just a professor

  His smile grew, and he tapped his finger on the book again. “Maybe I did. Take the book, Lily. It’s yours to keep.”

  His words registered, and she shook her head. “I can’t keep it, it’s yours. I’ll borrow it, but I will give it back.”

  “If you must. There’s no time limit to how long you can have it. Try some of the spells.”

  “I don’t think my mum will like me spreading out over the kitchen with a cauldron of herbs.”

  “No, probably not. I, on the other hand, won’t mind. You’re welcome to use this place as you will.”

  “I couldn’t do that.” The boys weren’t going to be happy that she still had one of his books. If she said she was going to be cooking up spells in his kitchen, they’d have a meltdown.

  “Well, you can do what you want,” he said with a shrug. “There’s a spare key under the flowerpot outside the back door. You’re welcome to come in, even if I’m not here.”

  An uneasy feeling warred with the desire to take him up on his word. She’d accepted, finally, that there was something different with her. With that acceptance came a fascination to see what she could do. She hadn’t felt it with Jonas, or the boys. The fascination was with what they could do and magic itself, but the fear overwhelmed her. But here? Listening to Drew, she wanted to know. She hadn’t dared to try to do anything, not even think about it. But this wouldn’t be anything to do with visions, or whatever it was she was getting. This was just mixing a few herbs together, and he was giving her carte blanche over his house, letting her come and go freely. Why would he do that?

  “How do you know I won’t rob you blind?” she asked him.

  He laughed, his head going back. “I know you, Lily,” he said, still chuckling. “There’s nothing here to steal except my research for the book. And if some of Mrs Johnston’s cutlery does go missing, I don’t have very far to go to get it back, do I?”

  She laughed, rubbing her fingers across her forehead. His suggestion was taking root, a mental image flashed through her mind of her standing over a bubbling cauldron muttering incantations as she stirred. It didn’t feel as ludicrous as it should have. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

  “Like most things: at the beginning. You can even try your hand at the love potion, but it honestly will not work. True love is the only thing that can’t be controlled by magic. Any other emotion can, but not that one. Real love is as old as magic itself.”

  “I’m not a witch,” she said with a shaky laugh. Jonas said she was a Seer. She didn’t know what it was, what she was. Other than confused and a little frightened.

  “The ability to read is all you need for the healing spells. The plants do the rest. That’s why alternative medicine is so popular. It works.” He closed the book up and pushed it closer to her. “It’s up to you. There’s no danger in it, Lily.”

  A clock chimed somewhere in the house, and she jumped. How long had she been here? She’d only meant to drop the books off by the front door. The front door! In her haste to see why he’d shouted out in pain, she’d dashed in and forgotten to shut it behind her.

  “I’ve left your front door wide open!” She jumped to her feet. “I didn’t mean to be here for so long.”

  “It’s not a problem,” he said calmly. “I’ve enjoyed talking to you. I can talk history with anyone in my class, but it’s very rare I get to talk about this kind of thing.” He stood up and followed her from the kitchen.

  Lily frowned when they reached the closed front door; she was certain she’d left it open.

  “It must have closed by itself. The wind may have caught it. I’ve noticed I can’t have both doors open at the same time. The draft makes the kitchen door slam shut,” he said casually, stepping around her and opening the door. He held the book out to her.

  She hesitated, but her growing curiosity won over. She took it from him.

  “I’ll look after it and bring it back. I promise,” she told him, her eyes on the cover.

  “I know you will,” he said. “You can make one of these yourself. Sometimes they’re called Book of Spells, Book of Shadows, or a Grimoire, but that’s rather dramatic.” He laughed. “You could call yours a plant journal if you wanted.”

  “Make my own?” She gaped at him in surprise. “I don’t know the first thing about it.”

  He grinned down at her, his dark hair falling into his eyes. “Of course you don’t. What would be the point in trying some of these otherwise? You’re smart, intelligent, and curious, aren’t you?”

  “I am curious,” she admitted. “It’s fascinating.”

  “Use that curiosity to learn something new. Start at the beginning of the book and work your way through. If nothing else comes from it, you’ll learn which plants are safe to eat and which aren’t.”

  She considered his words and nodded slowly. She stepped out into the dark night. He stayed in the doorway, his hands in his pocket.

  “This isn’t a test. There’ll be no exams. If you try it and find yourself wanting to know more, do it for you. If you try it and get bored, no harm done.” His words were light and calm. “And don’t overthink it. Some things you just need to accept and adapt to. Don’t sweat it, Lily. Go on, and I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”

  She said goodbye and made her way across the street to her cottage. She glanced back and saw him standing, watching her. He raised his hand in goodbye and went in, shutting the door behind him.

  Lily shut her own door and examined the book in her hands. She had a feeling she was in over her head. She didn’t know which way to turn. If she told the boys what he’d suggested, she knew they wouldn’t stop to listen. They’d jump to conclusions and probably do something stupid. She didn’t want to keep it a secret from them either. She didn’t know much about relationships, but she knew keeping secrets like this wasn’t a good start. At the same time, she knew they wouldn’t be rational about it. She didn’t know what to do and had no one to ask.

  No Such Thing As Magic

  Nothing was said to her about Drew through the next day, although she knew that they were watchful of him. He still made no distinction between her and the rest of the class, and she knew he wouldn’t. She did know that if she took Drew up on his offer to learn herbal medicines, she was going to have to tell them. Except it wasn’t just herbal medicines, it was a spellbook. Magic. And telling them half a truth didn’t sit well with her. Of course, if she told them what the book was, they’d want to know why they’d been talking about magic. She hadn’t mentioned them or Jonas, or even that she knew about magic, so they were safe. But it would give them one more thing to dislike about him. She knew they wouldn’t be happy with her talking to him, let alone going into his house and brewing up potions with him. Not to mention, she now had two conflicting sides of the story and didn’t know who to believe.

  Jonas had an axe to grind in that he knew she was different. Drew thought she was an interested student of history.

  Jonas knew that she was this Seer thing. Drew didn’t.

  Jonas had a reason to exploit her. Drew didn’t.

  Matt, the twins, and Nate were her boyfriends. Her friends, not her keepers. Did she have to tell them? Did they have a right to know every decision she made? No, they didn’t.

  However, when she reversed the situation, imagined it was them keeping something from her, how would she feel? How would she feel if they started to spend time with a girl who she viewed as a threat then kept it hidden from her? Even if a harmless situation, it would be the fact that they actively hid it from her that would destroy her. She’d be constantly doubting everything they told her, everything they said.

  She’d tell them she’d re
turned the books and that he’d let her borrow one for longer. One she wanted to explore with him. That was going to open a whole other barrel of worms. They were going to ask why he’d been lending her books on the history of witchcraft, and how they had got onto that conversation in the first place. It’d be safer not to mention what the book was about.

  Oh, god, it was a mess. Maybe she should hand the book back and tell Drew she didn’t want to know. But that would leave her with just Jonas’s side of things. She still had no idea who was right and who was wrong, or if one of them was just mistaken and not deliberately misleading her. As it stood, she didn’t know who to trust.

  She debated back and forth throughout the day about how much to tell them, or whether to tell them at all. So much so that her concentration in classes suffered, and by the time the final bell rang, she’d got little of her lessons.

  When she neared Matt’s Land Rover, they were already there talking. She knew they’d picked up on her mood, and she had ten seconds at most to figure out what she was going to say. Matt spotted her first. He smiled and nudged Nate to shut up. Any hope they would leave it sank, along with her stomach, into her boots; this was going to be awkward.

  “In case you were still wondering,” she tried for deflection, “Mr Digby still throws the eraser. One of the boys—Paul Watkins—his phone went off, and Mr Digby turned and threw it at him. Told him to put his phone away, or he’d throw it in the trash.”

  Jake sniggered and reached out to unhook her bag from her shoulder. “Right, well, we won’t ever send you a text when you’re in geography then,” he said with false brightness.

  She got into the Land Rover, and Jake handed her bag to her before getting in with the others.

  “You’ve been quiet today. Are you okay?” Matt asked as he joined the queue leaving the car park.

  “I’m okay, but I need to talk to you all.”

  “Oh, fuck me. You’re breaking up with us?” His hands tightened on the steering wheel.

  “No, no! I don’t want to break up with you. I need to talk to you, that’s all.” She turned back to the others.

  “Your mum’s moving?” Jake asked.

  “No, she’s not—”

  “It’s Drew, isn’t it?” Nate cut her off, his lips a thin, hard line. “He’s touched you, hasn’t he? Done something he shouldn’t. I’m going to kill him. Slowly.”

  “No! He hasn’t done anything! He didn’t touch me!”

  “Then what is it?” Josh demanded.

  “Well, if you give me a chance, I’ll tell you!” She drew a deep breath, her fingers clenched her bag. “You know Drew lent me some books. I returned them last night.” She turned back around to face the front.

  “Okay, so you dropped them off and went back home again, no problem,” Matt said. “You had to return them at some point. No overreacting here.”

  “You did just drop them off, didn’t you? You didn’t go in?” Jake asked.

  “I did go in.” She kept her gaze fixed firmly on the view out of the windscreen.

  “What do you mean you went in?” Nate demanded.

  “He was in the middle of something when he opened the door—trying to fix his washing machine as it so happened. He went back before I could tell him why I was there. I heard him shout in pain, and I went in to see if he was all right. He’d cut his hand badly. So I stayed and sorted it out for him. The cut, not the washing machine.” She tried to joke, but no one laughed, and she turned to see them.

  “You mean you went into his house and it was just the two of you?” Josh asked. A dark frown pulled his eyebrows together.

  “Yes.”

  Nate slid his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. “Did he hurt you?”

  “No. He’d hurt himself. He had a nasty cut on his palm. We talked about the books I’d borrowed. That was all. He didn’t make any advances. He didn’t do anything except talk. I know you have this idea that he likes me, but it’s unfounded. I wanted to tell you because I don’t want to keep—” She stopped abruptly. Keeping secrets was exactly what she was doing, or at least, she wasn’t telling the whole truth. “I didn’t want to keep it from you.”

  Nate sighed her name, still rubbing at his eyes with one hand. “I don’t...”

  “He’s done nothing to make us think he’s after her. He doesn’t look at her once she’s answered the register. He doesn’t treat her any differently,” Josh admitted, looking at Nate.

  “Same in History. He doesn’t single her out at all,” Matt agreed. “We’ve never seen him at lunch. He’s not actively sought her out at all.”

  “Yes, I know, but to be in his house on your own? That probably wasn’t wise,” Nate said.

  “I know you thought he was hitting on me in the opticians, but I honestly think you were mistaken. He could have said or done anything last night. All he did was discuss the books.” She avoided Nate’s point, knowing that he was probably right. But she couldn’t admit that if she wanted to go through the journal with him.

  Matt caught her attention. “Lily, I think we’ve sent you the wrong message.” His eyes were on the road, but she saw unhappiness in the lines of his face. “You thought we were going to be angry with you. And you have every right to think that. We’ve been vocal about him since we laid eyes on him. We didn’t want you put into a dangerous position. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I don’t want you being scared to talk to us. You figured we’d overreact and that’s... shit, I’m sorry, Lily.”

  His words broke her heart a little. She was keeping secrets, but she didn’t know how to tell them. She was sure they’d be angry if they knew she’d talked about magic with him, even though she’d done nothing to incriminate them in any way. She decided to sound them out a little.

  “We talked for quite a while,” she said. “He’s big into history.”

  Jake snorted. “He’s a history professor.”

  She looked back at Nate. He was concentrating on cleaning his glasses on the hem of his jumper. “Yes, but he’s big into medieval history,” she said. “We got talking.”

  “Did you feel uncomfortable with him at any time?” Nate asked.

  She considered his question, but it was an easy one to answer.

  “Not with him, no. He did nothing that made me feel he was anything except a teacher.”

  “Then there’s nothing for you to worry about,” Nate said. “It was a one time thing, that’s all.”

  She hadn’t told them what they were discussing yet, and she still hadn’t mentioned the book or his suggestion. She couldn’t keep it quiet; she had to tell them.

  “We were talking a bit about—” Her phone rang, making her jump. She saw her mother’s name on the screen and answered.

  “I need you to come home right now!” Her mother’s voice sounded panicky, and Lily frowned.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Just come home. I want you home!” The line went dead.

  “What’s up?” Nate demanded.

  Lily’s phone rang again, and she answered immediately.

  “Now! I want you home now!”

  “I’m on my way, Mum! We’re five minutes out, tops. Have you damaged your painting?”

  “Just get home.” Her mother sounded defeated, and Lily was convinced she’d done something to the picture. The line went dead again.

  “I think she’s done something to it,” Lily said, putting the phone in her bag.

  “What does she expect you to do?” Josh asked in surprise.

  “There’s nothing I will be able to do except be there for her, I guess,” she admitted. Her mother had ruined paintings before, but never this far into the progress of it. She was going to be devastated. She hoped it was either salvageable or she’d start again and not just give up.

  Matt pulled up outside her cottage, and she turned to them. “Thanks. Will I see you tomorrow?”

  “Of course you will. It’s Saturday. Freedom,” Josh said. “W
e’ll be ‘round first thing in the morning.” He leant forwards and kissed her cheek and was quickly followed by the others. She got out of the Land Rover as her mother appeared at the front door. She gave the boys a wave, but Lily knew that something had upset her by the pinched look on her face. She hurried towards her mother, waving back at the boys quickly.

  “What’s up? Is it totally ruined?”

  “Is what totally ruined?”

  “Your picture,” Lily said, heading towards the kitchen to see the damage.

  “The painting is fine. Lily, when were you going to tell me you had a seizure at June’s last Saturday?”

  Lily stopped and looked back at her. “What?”

  “You had a seizure. June was telling me all about it. Why did I have to hear it from someone I don’t really know and not my own daughter?” A hint of anger lay under the surface of her voice.

  “I forgot about it,” Lily admitted. “A lot’s happened since then. I didn’t think.”

  “Really?” Her mother pointed at the kitchen, indicating for her to go through. “You should have told me. That’s too many too close together. I rang the company that your tablets come from, and they’ve suggested upping the dosage. Take some now.”

  “Is that safe?” Before, she wouldn’t have questioned it. Now she doubted taking them at all. She didn’t really need them, or she wouldn’t if she managed to control the visions.

  “Of course it’s safe. They wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise!” she snapped then sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, Lily. I was worried. But it’s not just that worrying me. Where did you get this?” She pointed to the table, and Lily saw the journal she’d borrowed from Drew.

  “Where did you get that?”

  “I was putting some washing on your bed and dropped some. I saw it when I picked it up. Who gave it to you, Lily?”

  “My history teacher lent it to me. He thought I’d find it interesting, and I do.”

  “I beg to differ. I want you to return it straight away. I don’t want books like that in the house.”

  “Books like what?” She was mystified by her mother’s reaction.