by Kaci Rose
I see a small smile in Noah’s eyes, and then we hear the doctor. “Okay, this is the worst part. We need to do his neck and face.”
Noah’s hand grips mine tighter, and I can see the panic in his eyes.
“Wait, hang on,” I tell them, and the doctor nods, as he saw Noah’s face, too.
I turn and look into Noah’s eyes. “What’s wrong?” I ask him.
His eyes plead with me and whispers, “I want you to keep talking, but…” He trails off.
“But what?” I ask gently. He keeps looking into my eyes never breaking the connection.
“Noah, you can tell me anything, you know that, right?”
He takes a deep breath “I don’t think I’m ready for you to see the scars there, and I know I’m not ready to see them.”
I nod. “Then I won’t,” I say and shift the chair around. I hold his hand in both of mine and place my forehead on top of his hand, so I’m now looking at the floor.
“How’s this?” I ask.
“Perfect.” He says barely above a whisper.
I hear the doctor and Brooke moving around again.
“So, is the chimney the only thing you have restored?” Brooke asks me to get the conversation rolling again.
I smile. “I had the hardwood floors restored throughout the house on the first and second floor. Some were pretty bad, but I had a guy come in, and he was able to match the floor, where it needed to be replaced. Once it was sanded down and stained again, you can’t tell the difference between the old and the new. I had someone come in and check the water pipes and electricity to make sure they were up to code. Oh, and the first year I added an HVAC unit because I had to have air conditioning. Otherwise, I would have died in that house in the summer. I had the air set up, so each floor has its own unit since I don’t use the basement or the second floor when it’s just me there. The electric bills still make me cringe each month.”
“So, it’s what, eight bedrooms?” Brooke asks.
“As it stands now, yes,” I reply.
“How many bathrooms?” Brooke asks.
“Too many,” I laugh. “Four full bathrooms and two half baths.”
“So, it’s a huge house. What are your plans for it?” She asks.
“It was my dream growing up to fill it with kids and have a stable on the property with some animals. I wanted to decorate it for Christmas, and maybe, have a haunted house for charity at Halloween. But now…”
I take a deep breath. “Now, I plan to restore it and hope the purpose for the house comes to me. I’ll take my last breath in that house. I just know it.”
“You’re still pretty young, and you can still find a guy and have kids, you know.” She says.
I grip Noah’s hand and feel him tighten his hold. Though, I’m supposed to be comforting him, I need strength from him.
“Sometimes life throws you a curveball, and you watch your dreams crash and burn around you. Then, you have to find new dreams.” I say.
The room is so quiet you can hear a pin drop.
“Sounds like you know from experience,” Brooke says softly.
“I do,” I whisper.
After a moment, the doctor clears his throat. “Noah, while I have the bandages off do you want a mirror?”
I squeeze his hand, but he doesn’t speak.
“Noah?” I ask.
“What do you think I should do, Lexi?”
“Well, this isn’t the worst wounds I’ve seen, and they will get better from here, so it’s up to you. You can let them cover the scars back up and see them only after the surgeries, or you can see them now and watch the progress. Either way, I’m not going anywhere.”
I feel him take a deep breath. “Okay, let me see,” he says.
Brooke moves around, and as much as I want to see him, I keep my head where it is. I want him to know he can trust me.
After a minute, Noah says, “Did they really look worse than this?” I can hear the pain in his voice, and maybe, a little disgust.
“Yes, I’ve seen burn victims in theater, and the open wounds are much worse.” The doctor says.
I take a deep breath “Noah, can I see you? If you say no, I promise I won’t look, but… I want to see you.”
I feel him go stiff. “There’s nothing to see,” he says sharply.
I go for broke, “I beg to differ. I want to see you.”
Chapter 9
Noah
I let Lexi’s words sink in. She wants to see me.
Can I let her?
She didn’t flinch or look disgusted with the burns and scars on my side, but there is something a lot more personal about the scars on my face.
Hell, I’m falling for this girl. I know I am. I don’t want her to take one look at me and run. The me who wants to spend more time with her wants to say no.
But the me who wants to protect my heart wants to say yes. Have her leave now, before I fall any further, before I do something stupid, like admit my feelings.
That part wins out.
“Okay,” I say.
I feel Lexi smile against my hand. She places a soft kiss on the back of my hand, before lifting her head. I see the doctor and the nurse watching me, and the nurse gives me a smile, trying to ease my nerves.
Before Lexi can turn and look my way, I close my eyes. I don’t think I can handle a look of disgust on her face. I want to remember her the way she has looked at me until now like I’m normal.
“Noah, look at me,” she says, barely above a whisper.
I don’t open my eyes right away still terrified of what I might see, looking back at me in hers.
I know what she sees. The right side of my face was burned and now has twisted scars. My ear is mostly gone, but by the grace of God the fire missed my eye, and I still have my full vision. I haven’t processed it all, and I’m not ready to find out how she feels, but I know I can’t avoid her forever.
So, I slowly open my eyes and look at the woman who has become everything to me in such a short time. What I see in her face takes my breath away.
I don’t see one ounce of disgust or pity. What I see is so close to love that my heart hurts. I can’t let myself go there.
“There you are,” she says to me in a soft voice. She reaches up and touches my left cheek, the one without all the scars, and I lean into her touch.
“You are beautiful, Noah, and I’ll kick anyone’s ass who says otherwise.” She leans in and kisses my cheek, and the emotion I’ve been holding back bursts out. I actually cry wrapping my good arm around her and sob.
I cry for the innocent boy going to war who was lost in the desert, I cry for the men wounded that day, I cry for the loss of the one relationship I had clung to, I cry for me, for the scars, I cry for the battle ahead, but mostly, I cry because I can’t believe I was sent this astonishing, beautiful woman, even if I can never call her more than my friend.
She rubs my arm but doesn’t try to tell me it will be okay. She just lets me get it all out. When I have no more tears, I take a deep breath, and she pulls back and looks at me again.
She smiles and wipes the tears away on my left side, careful not to touch the right side that’s still healing. I close my eyes because having her touch my face feels so damn good. But the doctor breaks the moment, clearing his throat.
“We need to clean the wounds and put the bandages back on. In about a week, you should be healed enough to take them off for good. Then, you’ll meet with the plastic surgeon and your physical therapist.”
I nod. I can’t wait to get out of this bed, even if it’s for PT. Lexi holds my hand and keeps talking about her house. She knows I need the distraction.
She tells about the wallpaper in the master bedroom, and how she spent a week taking it down, because it gave her the creeps, and she couldn’t sleep with it on the walls. She says how she wants to build a garden off to the side and has been trying to find a layout she likes. She wants some herbs and a water fountain and bench.
This girl
talking about something so mundane has distracted me perfectly. But she’s also intrigued me, and I can only hope I get to see this house one day.
When the doctor and the nurse leave, Lexi scoots the chair close to me, and I bring my hand to her face and hold her cheek.
“Thank you for not running. I was really scared you would,” I say, as her face softens.
“Oh, Noah, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why?” I ask. It slips out before I can even think about it, but I need to know.
“Everyone should have someone by their side when they have to fight their way back like this.” She says.
“Why you? There are nurses and doctors.”
She gives me a sad smile. “At first, it was because I never got the chance, too.”
While that answer confuses me, I push her. “And now?”
“Now, I really like you, Noah. You make it easy for me to open up, and it scares me you make it even easier to fall for you.” She says the last part in a whisper and lets go of my hand. Then, she rests her elbows on her knees, putting her head in her hands, looking down at the ground.
My heart soars that she feels this connection between us, too. Even the slightest possibility of a chance gives me hope. My heart hammers in my chest, as I think about what she just did.
“What do you mean you never got the chance, too?”
Lexi stands up, and I see tears, pouring down her face. Then, she turns her back to me and goes to look out the window.
Shit. I didn’t mean to make her cry, and with her across the room, I can’t comfort her. Maybe, that was her intent.
“I was married to a soldier.” She starts to speak. “He was everything I wanted and needed. Always took care of me, and I loved that he served, I did. I hated deployments, but we managed well. On his second deployment, his unit was hit by an IED. He died before they could get him to Germany.”
I can see her wiping tears off her face, even with her back still to me.
“I buried him at Arlington, as it seemed fitting. He loved it there and always said that it would be an honor to be buried there. I made it happen. I was one of those wives who slept next to her husband’s coffin from the moment he was stateside, until the day he was buried. I buried my heart that day, Noah.”
She pauses and takes in a shaky breath. “He knew the risks of what he did, and he had a life insurance plan set up for me above and beyond what the military gave me. I bought the house with it. It was my dream, and because he loved me it became his dream, too. He made that happen. I just… I need …”
She starts crying again.
“Noah, I’ll be back, I promise. I just need to not be here right now.” She says, gathering her things and walking out of the door.
I have tears in my eyes again. For an entirely new reason. Lexi poured her heart out to me, and it made me realize we had only touched on very safe topics, but so many things make sense now. Some of the comments Moore made, and why she was so pissed off at Whitney. Though, any decent human would have been angry at her, I suspect.
But new questions circle. Was she here for me, or for the experience she never got to have? She did say she could fall for me. That has to mean something, right?
The nurse comes in. “Hey, I saw her leave in tears. I know it’s none of my business, but are you okay?”
“Yeah, she just shared a part of her past with me and needs to collect herself. I hate being trapped in this bed. I couldn’t even get up to comfort her.” I say with more anger in my voice than I mean, too.
“Channel that, when you start PT. You’ll need it,” she says and walks back out.
I look towards the window, and I feel Lexi’s pain. All I can hope is there’s room in her heart for me.
Chapter 10
Lexi
Why did I tell Noah all that? This is the last thing I needed today. I can only imagine what he thinks of me now.
I should go home, but instead, I find my way to Johnny’s room, tears running down my face, and no way to control them. I go in, and Johnny is sleeping, but Becky takes one look at me and comes over and hugs me tight, just like she knows I need. That’s when I really lose it.
No words are spoken. Becky just rubs my back and lets me cry. At some point, I guess my sobbing woke my brother up.
“Lexi?” I hear him ask, his voice still heavy with sleep. “What’s wrong? Is Noah okay?”
I take a deep breath and nod, “Noah’s fine.”
Johnny pats the side of the bed for me to come lie down with him. l climb on and turn to my side facing him, and he turns to face me. We used to do this a lot, when we were kids when one of us wanted to talk. It was sometimes easier to do it in the dark of night, and then we’d fall asleep in whichever bed we were in. Only this time, I don’t have the cover of night to hide my feelings.
“What’s wrong?” He asks me just above a whisper.
“I told Noah about Tyler,” I tell him.
“Oh, shit. How did that come up?” He knows as well as the rest of my family I haven’t talked about Tyler, since the day we buried him. I haven’t told anyone his story; it’s just not talked about.
Thinking about that makes me feel guilty. We should be talking about Tyler daily, but I can’t bring myself, too.
“They were changing Noah’s bandages, and he wanted me to talk, to distract him, and the first thing that came to mind was the house. I talked about the house and the renovation, and I guess it was just right on the surface. Maybe, part of me needed to put that wall up.” I say so quietly that I wasn’t sure he heard me, but he did.
“Why?” He asks.
I shake my head, but Johnny waits me out. “Noah let me see him without the bandages on,” I say.
“How does he look?” Johnny asks.
“The scars are healing well, and I think he’ll be happy after some of the plastic surgery. I just wasn’t prepared for how… beautiful he looks, even with all the scars.” I pause, gathering my thoughts. “I think it was my way of pushing him away, especially after telling him I could fall for him.” I groan and bury my head in Johnny’s chest.
“Oh, Lexi,” Becky says and rubs my back. “I’m going to go for a walk,” she says, and then slips out of the room.
I lay there with Johnny. Neither of us speaking, just listening to the sounds of the TV, as I drift off to sleep.
I wake up later to Becky rubbing my back. “Hey, it’s almost dinner time, and you need to eat.” She says, holding up some food from the cafeteria for me.
The three of us eat dinner talking about safe topics, mostly making fun of the pawn shop shows Johnny is making us watch.
After dinner, I head back to Noah’s room. I’ve been gone for several hours. I’m nervous about facing him, but I know it needs to be done.
I stand outside his door for a minute to compose myself, and then I take a deep breath and knock on the door.
“Can I come in?” I ask him.
“Lexi, you have never once asked to come in, you just barge in, so why start now?” He says in a playful tone.
“I didn’t know if you wanted me here,” I say shyly.
He holds his hand out to me. “Of course, I want you here.”
I take another deep breath, walk over, and take his hand, sitting down in my chair next to the bed.
I shake my head. “I don’t know what to say,” I tell him honestly.
“Becky came to see me,” he says.
“Well, don’t believe everything she says,” I grumble, and then I look at him. His blue eyes are brighter today, and he’s watching me with a warm look on his face. “What did she say?”
He chuckles, and the sound goes right to my heart. He needs to laugh more, and I want to be here to hear it, when he does. I want to be the cause of his laughs.
“She thanked me.”
I look at him confused. “For what?”
“For getting you to open up again. I guess, they’ve all been really worried about you. She told me a bit of how you were a
fter the funeral.” He pauses.
“Oh, you mean, when they wouldn’t leave me the hell alone, and then every time I tried to talk, they stuffed horrible tasting food in my mouth? They were the biggest pains in the asses I’ve ever dealt with.” I grumble.
I know in my heart they were worried and wanted to help, and they tried to help in the only ways they knew how, but I just wanted to be left alone. I had to reconfigure my whole life. Figure out what I was going to do. I needed to grieve, and I couldn’t do it with my parents, Johnny, Becky, and various people from Tyler’s life in and out daily. The only time I had alone time was when I showered. Which I did three or four times a day.
I could see a smile in Noah’s eyes.
“And how you didn’t get out of bed for a month,” he says.
“Well, I had to revise my entire life. I’d like to see her do that, and then get out of bed.” I gripe.
“What did you plan?” He asks.
“The house. I found the house, and I knew it’s what I was meant to do. I’ve been focused on that, until I met this guy when I went to go see my brother, who like the idiot he is, got hurt. The guy might have saved said idiot brother and makes me want to spend all my time with him. My house is jealous, and I just know I’m going to come home to something broken any day now.”
Every night, I pause at my door and take a deep breath, waiting for something horrible to be wrong. But every day I walk in, and everything is exactly where I left it.
When Tyler was home, I’d get annoyed, when he moved things and wondered why he couldn’t leave them alone. Now, everything is always right where I leave it, and I hate it.
Noah laughs now, a really truly carefree belly laugh.
“Tell me about this guy,” he says playfully.
My face gets serious. “I need him to know I want to fall for him.” I pause and watch his face go somber with something close to love in his eyes. When was the last time someone looked at me like that? Not like I was broken or needed to be fixed, but like I hung the moon.
