by Kaci Rose
“I just don’t have any pieces of my heart left to give. I buried them in Arlington.”
I look away, needing to regroup and get the conversation back on track.
“Tell me about you, please. Distract me, before I lose it again,” I say.
He doesn’t hesitate and jumps right in to tell me about his parents and his two younger sisters. The conversation leads to how he met Whitney, and how he was comfortable with her. He says he was nerdy in high school and didn’t think he’d ever be able to find someone better.
I shake my head at that. “Noah, never settle. Settling kills your soul.”
He nods, and we fall into an easy conversation until visiting hours are up.
Heading home that night, I feel lighter than I have for a long time, and I catch myself smiling more and more.
Chapter 11
Lexi
Over the next week, we fall into a comfortable routine. I spend the day with him working. We talk about what I’m doing, or what is on TV. He says he just wants something to concentrate on, and he likes the sound of my voice.
When I cuss at emails I have to deal with, he laughs and likes giving his opinion, when I edit photos. I find myself more productive working with Noah than I am at home.
We have both become friends with his nurse, Brooke, and she has been spending time in his room, during her breaks just hanging out with us.
I told Noah last night I’d be in later today, as I needed to shoot some photos, and I don’t get in, until lunchtime. I consider bringing some food in for Noah, but they have been easing him on to solid foods, so I don’t think it would be a good idea just yet.
When I walk into his room and see Noah, I stop in my tracks. He’s sitting up in bed wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt with his legs stretched out and crossed at the ankle. This is the first time I’ve seen him in something other than a hospital gown since all this started. Noah in everyday clothes is hot as hell!
But that’s not what shocks me the most. Today, his bandages are off. I look at him and see his scars are white and pink against his skin from his temple down past his neck. His hair has grown out, and even though I saw him without his bandages just over a week ago, I wasn’t prepared for this.
Noah is watching me look him over, waiting for me to say something. I can see the uncertainty in his eyes, and I know he’s uncomfortable, waiting for my reaction.
“You have to ease a girl into this,” I say. “Your bandages off, and you in regular clothes all at once were enough to make my heart stop. You look damn sexy, Noah.”
He blushes and then looks down at his hands in his lap. He blushed, because of me! That’s a powerful feeling. One I haven’t felt in a while. In that moment, a small piece of my heart is healed, something I thought was gone forever. Noah’s vulnerability was such a damn turn on.
I put my stuff down and walk over to him never taking my eyes off him. He still hasn’t said anything, so I sit down on the side of his bed. He looks up at me because this isn’t something I’ve done before. I haven’t sat on the side of his bed. I was too afraid to hurt him, while he had the bandages on.
He still hasn’t made eye contact with me, and I can’t have that.
“Noah, look at me,” I say softly. When his eyes meet mine, I ask, “What’s wrong?”
“You’ll keep visiting me, right?”
“Oh, Noah, of course, I will. And when you get out of here, you will have to come visit me and keep me company, while I battle that big old house.”
He gives me a half smile, “I’d like that.”
“Is that what you were worried about?” I ask, looking him over. I can tell he’s holding something back.
I sigh, “Noah, I want to make you a deal.” I pause and wait for him.
When he looks up at me, I continue, “You’re the first person I’ve told about Tyler, so I’ll make a pact with you. No secrets. If you will be my person I can share with, the good and the bad, and no matter how stupid it is, then let me be that person for you.”
He pauses and looks at me and says, “No secrets?”
“No secrets,” I reply.
“I’m scared to be alone here.”
I grab his hand. “You won’t be. I promise to make sure, if at any point I can’t be here, I’ll make sure someone is. I wouldn’t want to be alone here either.”
He smiles at me, looking a lot more relaxed.
“Now, tell me what the doctor said.”
“I meet with the plastic surgeon next week. The doctor wanted me to be prepared for the time it will take. It’ll be a long road because each surgery has to heal before they can do the next. Later today, I meet with the physical therapist, but I won’t start until I get the okay from the plastic surgeon. I asked him to try to remove me from as much medication as possible, so he put me on pain medicine as needed. If I want the meds from now on, I’ll have to ask for them. He’s making me take a bunch of vitamins, and I’m going to try to go without the sleeping medicine. I don’t want to be dependent on this stuff, and he agreed.”
I smile at him, “I’m so proud of you. Not everyone is strong enough to do that, especially so early on.”
We settle into a comfortable conversation until the physical therapist comes in.
She does some basic assessments on his leg and arm strength, and then says, “The first goal is getting in and out of bed by yourself. Then, being able to maneuver around the room.”
“Anything I can do to help?” I ask.
She smiles at me, “Actually there is. Come here.”
She shows me how to hold my palms flat up and let Noah push against them, and then do the same with his legs. We have a few rounds of practice.
“I know it seems small, but it’s a good way for him to build his strength back and both of you’ll notice it. Do that a few times a day.”
I nod. When she heads out, Noah looks happy.
“You okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, it’s nice to be moving forward. Before, it was a lot of waiting. Now, I can actually start doing something.”
I laugh. “Hurry up and wait. The military motto.”
He smiles.
I leave just after dinner and go over to see Johnny. I fill him in on Noah and then ask how he’s doing. He’s been learning to walk in a prosthetic.
“So, why exactly aren’t you home and learning how to do this?” I ask him.
He shares a look between him and Becky.
“Just tell me,” I say, thinking it’s something bad.
“It’s not bad,” Johnny says, reading my mind.
“It’s just I’m still unsteady and need help with some things, and well…” he trails off.
“I’m pregnant,” Becky says.
I’m going to be an aunt. Visions of baby clothes shopping fill my head, and then it hits me. This could have been me. We were going to try for a baby when Tyler got back from deployment. I take a deep breath and remind myself I’ve been preparing for this day.
“How far along are you?” I ask.
“Only a few weeks,” she says.
Then it clicks. She wasn’t pregnant in Germany.
“Yuck! I’m so telling this baby it was conceived in the hospital.” I say grossed out.
They laugh at me, and I head towards the door.
“Ugh! I’m out of here,” I say.
“Don’t tell Mom and Dad. We’re going to surprise them.” Johnny says.
“Let me know when. I want to see their faces when they connect the dots!” I say and walk out.
Before I know it, I’m back at Noah’s room.
“Hey, I thought you went home,” Noah says.
“I went to see Johnny, and now, I need brain bleach,” I say, as I go sit in the chair next to his bed. I cross my hands over my chest, like a toddler, who just had her favorite toy taken away.
“You okay?” He asks concerned.
“Oh, yeah. Johnny is up and working with his prosthetic, but then, I ask why he isn’t home yet, and the
y tell me it’s cause Becky is pregnant.”
“That’s good news, right?”
“She’s only a few weeks pregnant…” I trail off.
He starts laughing. Full on belly laughing.
“It’s not funny. I love them, but knowing the baby was conceived in the hospital, and in that bed, I’m creeped out. I don’t need to know where it happened. Just that it happened.” I say and shiver.
Noah is laughing, and I can’t help but laugh, too. It’s the first time I’ve seen him laugh like this, so carefree. I look at him truly happy, and my heart clenches. He’s so handsome, scars and all, and I know right here, right now, I’m falling for him.
Chapter 12
Lexi
I’m falling for Noah.
That thought has been racing around in my head ever since I walked out of his room tonight. The entire drive home, that’s all I can think about.
This one thought scared the hell out of me. By the time I pull into my driveway, I know I need to go see Tyler.
As I head inside, I call Becky, because no matter what I’m feeling, I won’t break my promise to Noah.
“Hey, I need you and Johnny to go hang out with Noah tomorrow,” I tell Becky. I’m walking to my room and packing a bag at the same time, and I know she can tell something is up.
“Why what’s wrong?”
“I’m going out of town.”
“Everything okay?” She asks concerned.
“Yes. No. I don’t know.”
“Hey, breathe,” she says, and I take a deep breath.
“I’m going to Arlington.” Becky doesn’t need to ask why, because she knows.
“Need company? I can have Johnny hang out with Noah tomorrow, and we can go together.”
Before I even have time to think about it, I say, “Yes.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in thirty minutes,” she says, hanging up.
True to her word, thirty minutes later she’s pulling into my driveway. I go outside, and we place both our bags in the back seat of my car. She hugs me, and we head out.
It’s an eight hour drive, but being able to even drive a few hours tonight, will save us time tomorrow. We talk about her pregnancy and make fun of some of the roadside signs. After driving for three hours, we pull over at the North Carolina-South Carolina border, where the South of the Border amusement area is and grab a hotel for the night.
Though, we’re up early and ready the next morning, Becky gets hit by morning sickness. While she throws up, I’m holding her hair, like any best friend would do.
“In my purse, there’s a lollipop. Get it for me, please?”
“Little early for candy but okay,” I say and find the lollipop she asked for.
After a minute of sucking on it, she smiles.
“These are special lollipops for morning sickness, and they work like a charm. Let me clean up, and I’ll be good to go.” She says.
I shrug my shoulders, and we hit the road. We drive another six hours with stops for Becky to pee and to grab food and gas.
We pull into the hotel I always stay at, while I’m here and check in. We drop our bags in our room, and then head right back out and make our way to the cemetery.
Like always, I first pay my respects to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and watch the changing of the guards. Then, my feet carry me past the rows and rows of matching headstones. It would be so easy to get lost here, but my feet know the way.
They know which path to take. Around the tree and up the hill. Another right turn, three rows up, fourth headstone in. Right there engraved on the headstone that looks just like every other headstone here, is the name I see every night before I go to sleep.
Tyler Bates
Staff Sargent, U.S. Marine Corps
Afghanistan. Iraq.
July 16, 1993
April 23, 2017
Husband. Son. Brother.
I don’t know how long I stand there, but I stand there so long I can’t see the headstone anymore. I’m seeing the day I hugged him goodbye for the last time. The last time I ever saw him alive.
We had plans to start a family when he got home from deployment. We were so excited talking about baby names before he left. Part of me wishes we had started trying sooner, so I’d have a piece of him here with me now.
The bigger part of me is happy a child won’t have to suffer from him being gone, growing up without a dad. Happy a child never had to watch me go through the pain of losing my soul mate. Happy a child will never look at this headstone and say that’s my dad and wonder what he was like.
In the distance, the start of a 21 Gun Salute goes off, and I lose it. Falling to my knees, I start crying. I cried for the future plans we made that would never come true, and the future I lost. I cry for all the memories that flood me of the day when those twenty-one guns went off for this man. Becky is right there holding me. Rubbing my back, but never speaking. I vaguely hear an older man ask her if I’m okay.
I cry through the whole thing and then lay down on the grass like I was lying down next to Tyler. Becky sits behind me, there for comfort but quietly, letting me mourn. She rests her hand on top of my head and plays with my hair.
We must sit there for over an hour before I finally start talking to Tyler. I tell him about the house and all the improvements I’ve done since I was here seven months ago. I tell him about Johnny and Noah. I tell him everything down to finding out about Becky being pregnant and telling Noah.
When I tell him about watching Noah laugh, I have a huge smile on my face. Suddenly, Becky I are laughing, too. Then, my smile fades, and I say what I came here to say.
“I’m falling for him, and I don’t know what, too.”
As I’m wiping my eyes, a woman a little older than me has sat down on the other side of Tyler’s grave, and a man stands just behind her.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t help but overhear you, and you can tell me to fuck off, but I feel maybe I was supposed to be here in this moment. Though, I hadn’t planned to visit today, I felt I needed to be here. I’m Kim.”
She pauses and points a few rows over. “That’s my Greg. We were married at eighteen. We grew up together, and I met him when I was five. He was my best friend, and later, my soul mate. We lived in a small-town with not a lot of opportunities, so he decided to enlist.”
I sit up and listen to her story. Early on, I learned we all share the same scars here at Arlington, and it’s therapy to tell your story and to hear other’s stories. Every story I’ve heard, I have gained insight. The bonds here are like nowhere else on earth.
“Being away from him during boot camp and training was the worst. It was our first real time apart. But when he got his orders, we moved into military housing. We were one of the lucky few and had two years together, before his first deployment. He was gone eight months that time, and when he came home, it was like he had never left.”
She pauses and stares off, no doubt lost in the memory.
“Six months later, he went back again, and this time for only four months to fill in, where they were shorthanded. We had been saving money and planned on buying a house with the money from our next assignment. He came home from that deployment with a few scars, but nothing big. We went another two years without a deployment. Then, the last time, he didn’t make it home. They called it friendly gunfire, but you and I both know there was nothing friendly about it.” She gives me a watery smile.
“It killed me. I didn’t get out of bed for a month. Well, you know the drill. I’m sure we all find our ways to move forward and make those around us think we are okay when we aren’t.”
I feel Becky’s hand squeeze my shoulder. What she said was true, you simply get better at hiding it, and Becky knows she’s right.
“About four years after his death, I was just getting by on my own. I was in my own world, in my own routine, and in barges this guy.” She points over her shoulder, as he kneels down and places a hand on her shoulder.
“A few months after meet
ing him, I was right where you are, begging him to forgive me for falling for another man. I felt like I was being unfaithful. It was another wife who was here that day that told me I wasn’t. She asked me if it was me in the ground, and he found someone to make him smile again if I thought he was being unfaithful. I didn’t answer her, I couldn’t. But she knew.” Kim smiles.
“She then told me it was Greg, leading Brett to me. She believed our husbands who passed had picked who they want to take care of us.” At this point, both Kim and I have tears, streaming down our faces.
“When you think you’ve buried your heart, think of this. A mother doesn’t love her kids any less than the new baby who is just born. Her heart grows. Your heart is growing right now. Your young man is giving you a piece of his to heal you, and I fully believe he was handpicked by your Tyler.”
She pauses again and squeezes Brett’s hand. “We have been together for five years and married for four now. He doesn’t push Greg away, he embraces him. Not only do we have photos in the house, but he brings me here at the drop of a hat.”
Brett smiles, and then says, “The right guy will understand and accept Tyler. He won’t ever ask you to give him up, but he’ll be by your side and understand the life you had planned and respect it. I know Kim loves me, but I know she loves him too and always will. I’m okay with that.”
He smiles at Kim, “The way I see it, he kept her safe and loved for the first part of her life. I’m meant to love her the second part of it.”
I can’t help but smile at that. We sit and talk for a bit and exchange phone numbers to stay in touch. They walk back out to the parking lot, and Becky goes with them since she has to pee, yet again. I tell her I’ll meet her at the car.
As she walks away, I say to her, “Call Johnny and ask him to go see Noah again tomorrow, please.”
She smiles and nods.
I sit there with Tyler a bit longer, trying to think how I would feel if the situation was reversed. Then, a distant memory comes back to me. One I had forgotten until now. Many nights, before deployment, we’d lay in bed talking about everything and anything. Since every deployment was different, we both never knew what to expect. But this one night, I remember the conversation clearly.
