Privileged

by Stevens, Madison

  “Goodnight,” I said and started to walk toward Grace.

  Gavin reached out and gently pulled me back by the arm. He seemed to struggle with what to say. I wondered if he might be having trouble because he, like myself, was having trouble placing us in a category.

  “Goodnight. I’ll see you in class on Monday.”

  Confused and slightly hurt, I wandered back to my friend. The night was a total bust.

  Chapter Seven

  Surprisingly, the weekend passed quietly. My thoughts drifted to Gavin more often than I would have liked. There was just so much weirdness surrounding the recent appearance of him in my life. Of course, I knew there would always be a certain amount as long as I was friends with Grace, but this was way more than I ever expected.

  Not to mention his interest in me. We’d never really been close. In school, like most everyone else, I made sure to stay out of his way. Gavin didn’t let anyone stop him from something he wanted. Plus, we just didn’t run in the same crowds.

  But wow did we go well together. I had never felt that sort of explosive passion before. Exceptionally hot and so intimate. It was like we’d been that way that a million times. My body reacted in ways that I didn’t even know it could. Better yet, I was able to make him lose control, something I doubted many people had seen.

  The whole thing was confusing and exciting.

  By the time Monday rolled around, I wasn’t sure I could make it through a class with him.

  When I strolled in and sat down, he was nowhere to be found. Yes, I looked despite telling myself that I wouldn’t. In fact, he didn’t slip in until right before start. I couldn’t really figure out what the angle was on this. If he wanted to avoid me, opting to sit right next to me wasn’t the best idea. I huffed in irritation at his hot and cold attitude.

  James went up to the front, and I turned to give my attention. Gavin could play these silly games all he wanted, but I was finished.

  “We’re going to go over several works that are either written by women or contain strong female characters.” James paced back and forth at the front as he spoke.

  “But if it’s written by a woman, won’t it automatically have a strong female character?” a smug blonde piped up a few seats down from us on my side. She puckered her lips and winked at Gavin. I stiffened at the display.

  Gavin slid his arm across my back and pulled my body close to his. His heat radiated through me, and I relaxed into him. The blonde scrunched up her face and turned toward James.

  “Ah ha!” James rocked on the balls of his feet and smiled widely at the blonde. “That’s what we’ll be finding out.”

  I raised my hand and tried to shift away from Gavin. Things were moving quickly, and we hadn’t even had the chance to talk about, well, much of anything.

  “I notice that you don’t have any Jane Austen this semester.” Surely there was a mistake with this. How did you have a romance section without Austen?

  “Oh yes.” James wrinkled his nose in an air of annoyance. “I find her to be a bit overplayed.”

  I sat in shock. The man could put the lesser Bronte in the line-up but had the gall to call Austen overplayed? What the hell kind of Women’s Literature class what this?

  The comforting stroking from my side brought me back to my senses. I might be forced to endure a semester with this neophyte, but I refused to believe I couldn’t find a mentor of substance. I sighed. This was just not what I had planned.

  It became clear as James droned on his thoughts on women authors and men who wrote female characters. His misogynistic views quickly became obvious, and it was also obvious that he fully believed men to be the best at capturing female characters. A little junior V.S. Naipaul.

  The further he went in the rabbit hole, the less I wanted to follow him there. By the end of class, I was ready to unleash on someone, and although I would have liked it to be James, I had a future career to think about.

  I shot through the door with Gavin close at my heels and the pretty blonde not far behind.

  “Bye, Emma,” she said as she passed me. Her long, pretty eyelashes fluttered against her pale cheeks.

  I stopped and watched her walk to another class down the hall.

  “That was a little weird.” I tried to rack my brain about what her angle might be. If she was trying to get to Gavin, I was the last person she should try to go through.

  “Not really.” Gavin shrugged. “She’s been trying to get your attention since the first day of class.”

  I nearly choked on my own tongue.

  “Me?” I squeaked.

  Gavin laughed loudly as he steered my body through the crowd of people.

  “Believe me,” he said. “I’ve gotten good at reading signals. Those weren’t for me.”

  “Well that’s a first,” I said in awe.

  Gavin stopped in front of me, and I had to put my hands on his back to keep from falling over.

  “Did you want to talk to her?” His muscles tensed as he spoke.

  I stifled a laugh at his behavior. “She’s not really my type. But it certainly is flattering.”

  “And who exactly is your type?” Gavin whirled around, his green eyes piercing into me.

  “I guess,” I stammered. “I guess I don’t really know.”

  He grinned widely at me. A tuft of his soft brown hair shifted on his forehead.

  “I can work with that.”

  Gavin slid my hand into his and pulled me along. After weaving across the courtyard and down a narrow lane, we made our way out of the main area.

  “Where are we going?” I watched behind us as the students and buildings disappeared.

  My heart beat wildly in my chest thinking about Friday night. If he wanted a repeat performance, I wasn’t so certain I was going to say no. Not that I was sure I’d say yes. It was one of the most thrilling moments of my life, but this was Gavin.

  “It’s some place special.”

  There was a certain charm about the school. I’d admired it on previous occasion, but as we moved to the older wings, I was reminded of the history the school held. The old gray stone walls looked weathered but ready to take on another couple centuries of abuse. Even the landscaping seemed to date the area. Rose bushes lined the walkways.

  As we passed under the last of the arches, the grounds opened up to a grove of trees. There, just at the edge, was the ultimate tree. The bark, at spots, weathered from others who had been lucky enough to find it.

  “How did you—?” I raced over to the tree and lovingly stroked the soft wood.

  “I’ve only seen you reading under trees for the past six years.” He grinned as he settled into one of the many nooks. “You take your tree choosing very seriously.”

  I could feel the blush moving across my face. Had he been watching me all this time? Here, I really didn’t know the first thing about him, and he seemed to know my most intimate details.

  I slipped into a spot a bit away from him and had trouble suppressing the smile that bubbled up. It truly was perfect. There was even a notch to set my books, so I could study as well. Leaning back, I closed my eyes and let the quiet of the area fall over me. My eyes shot open as I realized the implications of this. Once again, I was alone with Gavin.

  Nervousness overtook me. “Thanks for sharing this with me.”

  I summoned the courage to look over at him. His eyes were on me, just as they always were, so searching and hungry I could feel their heat.

  “It means nothing if you aren’t here.”

  The sincerity of his words pierced my heart and caused it to flutter in my chest.

  Gavin stood, still looking down at me.

  “I’ve still got several business classes today, so I should head out.” He reached down and gathered his things.

  “Gavin,” I called to him. He froze and turned to me. “Do you really want to be a business major?” He frowned. “I’m sure you’re good at it,” I rushed to explain. “You just don’t seem to really enjoy it.”r />
  Something akin to regret flashed across his face before it hardened.

  “Some of us don’t have the luxury of choice.”

  I sat stunned as he stiffly walked away.

  Luxury? Did he really think I decided without sacrifices? I sighed. And there was the Gavin I knew. Back to business as usual. Maybe he was suited to be a business major.

  Chapter Eight

  The weeks crept by much like the week before. I enjoyed my time by the tree and even shared the secret with Grace and Chance. Although the two rarely studied with me, it was a nice quiet place to relax between classes. The air was starting to turn crisp, and I knew I’d be forced to move my reading inside before long, but until then, I planned on enjoying my space while I could.

  I hated to admit it, but I hoped to see Gavin again. Aside from our early morning Monday class, I had very little opportunity to actually see him. I suppose I could have stopped over at his frat, but then I’d have to admit that I wanted to see him. It was a brutal reality that I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to make known. Even to myself.

  The real burn came in those Monday lit classes. He would slink in the at last minute and race out when we finished. Every so often our hands or arms would touch, and the sizzle of interest would race through me. He, however, seemed unfazed.

  I sank into myself. Maybe I had only been seeing what I wanted. The night of the party seemed real enough to me, but for someone like him, maybe it was just another night. The idea that I might not be special to him ate at me. Despite everything I knew about him, I couldn’t help but be interested.

  Through all of this, I held out that he would stop by at least to eat over on the weekend. As Sundays came and went, it was evident that I had been mistaken. Yet here I was, waiting for him to stop by on another stupid Sunday.

  “Oh stop moping around.” Grace flopped beside me on the couch and flicked off the TV. “Don’t you have some lit book to be reading?”

  I shook my head. “Already got it done.”

  “So how are things going for my little English major?” Grace leaned her head on my shoulder as she spoke.

  I sighed and leaned my head back.

  “Fine.”

  “Oh yes, because you sound absolutely fine.” Grace sat up and poked me in the ribs. “Spill.”

  “There’s no Austen.”

  Grace blinked at me several times. “Okay, I’m missing something.”

  I groaned in frustration. “James is a pig. He doesn’t like Austen and thinks men write better female characters.”

  “And James is?” Grace sat back and put on her very practical expression.

  “The graduate student filling in for the professor.” I picked at a loose thread on my shirt.

  “So some idiot graduate student hates Austen. No big deal. It’s a semester. You have a whole lifetime to hear about how great women are. This will be just a blip on the map.” I looked up into her sincere eyes and wondered how she had gotten to be so wise.

  “So where’s Chance?” I had kept expecting him to pop by at any moment but it had been unusually quiet recently.

  I lolled my head to look at Grace. Tears had pooled in her eyes, and her lips trembled. I reached out and gathered her in my arms.

  “We had an argument,” she sobbed onto my shoulder. “We broke up.”

  “Oh, Grace,” I ran a soothing hand down her back. “What happened?”

  “Apparently I’m cold and distant.” She sat up and stared at me. “Am I?”

  I paused. This was like stepping into a mine field.

  “Of course not.” I smoothed my hand down her cheek and wiped off the stream of tears. “But you are different when you’re with him.”

  Grace fell back on the cushions and laughed bitterly. She stared at the ceiling for a long moment. Silent tears slid into her hair.

  “Sometimes…” She sighed and continued to look at the ceiling. “Sometimes I just wish I didn’t have to try.”

  “And what would you do if you didn’t have to?”

  Her eyes fell to mine. I could almost see the light shining through as she dreamed.

  “I’d meet someone who didn’t know my family. Who liked me for me.”

  I blinked. That wasn’t the response I expected. “Is that all?”

  “I’d move with you into your Gran’s house and paint from morning till night.”A smile ghosted her lips.

  “Let’s do it,” I said and sat up.

  Her smile slipped away and was replaced with a grim line.

  “It’s not that simple.” Grace rubbed a hand over her forehead. “I have responsibilities.”

  “So what?” I said. “We all do. You need to start thinking about what would make you happy and going for it.”

  Grace shook her head sadly. “I’m not like you.”

  “Good,” I said firmly. “Be like you. The real you.”

  “You just wouldn’t understand.” A shadow fell on her face.

  That. Was. It. Twice now I’d been told this. The first time I hadn’t been able to speak my mind, but Grace Locke was going to get an earful.

  I jumped off the couch, startling Grace from whatever dark spot she was visiting. Trembling with barely subdued anger, I paced the floor.

  “I wouldn’t understand?” I stamped my foot on the floor. “Like my parents were thrilled with my choice or it was somehow easy.”

  Grace rose with ease. “Let’s face it. You don’t have the responsibilities weighing on you that I do.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Responsibilities?” I threw my hands in the air. “Of course you do. You have a responsibility to be happy and find something that will make you happy. Or even someone that will make you happy. What is it with you Lockes?”

  Grace reached out to stop my pacing.

  “Lockes?”

  “You and Gavin, two peas in a pod. Both of you so hell bent on meeting your responsibilities that you’ve put yourself second in just about every way.” I threw myself in the armchair and glared across the space at her.

  “When did you talk to Gavin about this?” Grace plopped on the couch closest to my side.

  “A few weeks back,” I said and waved my arm in a non-committal way. “Look, forget about him. He’s a lost cause. But you,” I reached out and took her hands, “you have all this amazing talent. Maybe if your parents just saw what it means to you…” I trailed off as Grace continued to shake her head.

  “It’s not like that,” she said and pulled her hand out of mine. “There are all these expectations on us.”

  Grace shook her head and stared out the window.

  “It’s not the same for you.”

  For the third time in my life, I was being measured up to the Lockes, and I didn’t even come close. Something in my heart broke at the distance this created. I could feel the mask of indifference slip into place.

  “You’re right,” I said and stood up. “I don’t understand why someone who has the potential to be anything would choose less. But then it’s amazing how you’re able to communicate anything to your lessor.”

  I whirled around and stomped out of the room.

  “Em!” I heard her call as I slammed the door to my room.

  Gran had been right. This world, my parent’s world, was seriously fucked up. I guess I got my way with words from her. I sighed and threw myself on my bed. Under the royal blue comforter, I enveloped myself in the warmth and drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter Nine

  The silence of the dorm in the morning ate at my conscience. I knew she hadn’t meant what came out, and there was a good chance I was sensitive from my run-in with Gavin, but this was one of those moments where pride was winning.

  By the time I made it to class, my mood hadn’t improved much. The coffee I had bought was only mildly cutting the thumping in my brain, and now I had to deal with sitting next to Gavin. I groaned inwardly at the thought.

  Sitting by him week after week without so much as a word was bad enough, and
he certainly leaned in about as close as he could. He was getting on James’s nerves just enough that I worried they really would just whip it out and start peeing around the classroom.

  It might not be the nicest move, but the pretty blonde did have a seat open next to her. When I stopped next to her, she turned to look up at me.

  “Hi,” I said. “Mind if I sit?”

  A bright smile lit up her face.

  “Sure,” she said. “I’m Heather.”

  I slid in and started to get ready for class. As I got my things ready, I noticed Heather was inching into my space. Yes, maybe this wasn’t such a great idea. Just as I was getting ready to let her know where my interest stood, Gavin strolled in.

  Our eyes met from across the room. He scowled at my seating arrangement.

  I quickly turned around and hoped he would get the message.

  No such luck.

  Gavin pulled out the seat next to me and leaned in.

  “Thought you weren’t interested.” The corner of his mouth twitched as he suppressed a smile.

  I started to answer when James entered laden down with books.

  “I trust you all have read Frankenstein to kick off October’s horror month.”

  There were several murmurs from the class. I’ll admit, it wasn’t one of my favorites, but there were some interesting parts to the story. The problem was trying to figure out what we were supposed to take out of it. I certainly knew what I thought, but that wouldn’t really do squat for my grade if James didn’t agree..

  My attention on James wavered as Gavin leaned closer. I could smell the deep woodsy soap he had used this morning. His warm breath brushed my cheek, and I struggled not to lean into him.

  “She’s really sorry you know,” he whispered in my ear.

  Heather leaned closer to catch what was being said.

  “Do you have a girlfriend?” she whispered in my other ear.

  I shook my head. “She’s a friend.”