To Live Again

by Melody Dawn

  Excusing myself, I ask where the ladies room is located. Madison gets up to come with me, but I tell her to stay, I won’t be long. Standing next to Jayson, I lean down and give him a kiss. He doesn’t know it, but I’m saying goodbye…for good this time.

  He looks at me strangely, but I just put on my fake smile and say, “I’ll be back.”

  As I make my way towards the back of the restaurant to where the restrooms are, I ask one of the waiters if there is a back entrance I can use to leave.

  He looks conflicted, but I say, “I really need to go…I just had a fight with my boyfriend.”

  Hearing that, he immediately shows me to the employees’ entrance. I am so going to burn in hell for this.

  Standing there in the alley way, I google a cab company on my phone and make a call to have someone pick me up. I look at my watch nervously. I know I don’t have much time before Jayson or Madison comes to look for me. I lean back against the brick wall with my head pounding mercilessly. All I can hear is her words repeating over and over that I murdered a baby. I will never get away from this; someone will always find out. I need to move on again where no one knows me and try to start over.

  With those thoughts swirling around in my brain, the cab arrives and as I open the door to get in, my heart squeezes so painfully, I gasp out loud. I feel like I am literally leaving half of my heart and soul with Jayson. Still, no matter how much it hurts, it’s for the best.

  I take one last look, get in the cab, and as he drives away, I battle everything within myself not to look back. I pray that he understands; I pray that he can move on and find someone who deserves him, even though that thought guts me. But, most of all, I pray that he knows how much I love him and that he will be in my heart forever.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Jayson

  After dragging the slut from hell out of the restaurant and making sure she left, Connor looks at me and says, “Dude, what in the fucking hell were you thinking getting involved with that scary piece of trash?”

  Flipping him off, I ask, “And all of your one night stands and hookups have been any better?”

  He starts to say something else and it’s pissing me off. With a glare, I say, “Why don’t you shut up about both of our choices in sexual partners? I don’t have time to shoot the breeze with you. I have to get back to the shit show we just left. Mom and dad didn’t know anything about Chloe’s past and now she was just outed in front of them, not to mention it being embellished. I don’t even know what I am going to say when I get back in there.”

  Connor shakes his head and says, “Let’s get back and hopefully you can do some damage control. Whatever I can do, I’ve got your back. For what it’s worth, I don’t think mom and dad are going to be the problem, especially not with mom getting crazy and defending Chloe.”

  Confused, I ask, “Then what do you think is going to be the problem?”

  Connor sighs and says, “J, you’ve got a runner on your hands. That’s how she deals with things; it’s how she protected herself because there was no one there to do it for her. A few days of good sex and spending time with the family are not going to replace three years of the conditioning she has put herself through.”

  Deep down, I know he is right. I’m just hoping she is still there when we get back inside. Walking back in, I breathe a sigh of relief because she is still sitting at our table. After settling back into our seats, we struggle to find a normal topic of conversation. Of course, my mom has to let Chloe know that no matter what we are all here for here. Chloe leans into me and I feel the tenseness in my chest let up. My parents begin talking about their plans for the backyard; my dad has this obsession with an outdoor kitchen. Finally, our food gets here and the talk dies down for a while as we all eat.

  I keep looking over at Chloe and she has the look on her face like she is eating mud. I know it can’t be the food; she has to still be upset over what happened. I’m doing my best to show her how much I care, but she seems to be off in her own little world. Past experience tells me that this is not a good thing. ‘

  Suddenly, she excuses herself to the restroom and I notice her telling Madison not to come. That seems strange because it is almost set in stone that girls go to the bathroom in pairs. She leans down and kisses me and I decide I am being paranoid; I need to put all of this behind us and enjoy our night.

  Because I’ve been so busy talking to my dad, I don’t notice that Chloe hasn’t come back. I look over and see Madison whispering to Connor while looking towards the bathroom.

  She pulls out her phone and opens up an app and then I hear, “Son of a bitch; I knew she wasn’t going to the bathroom. Her phone shows she is on the move. It looks like it is heading towards our apartment.”

  I hear Madison’s words, but my brain isn’t taking in the meaning of what she is actually saying.

  Sitting there, I just stare at her until Connor says, “Jayson, Chloe left…she is gone! Are you hearing us?”

  Slowly, my mind starts to take it in and I feel a red hot heat cover my body. Motherfucker! She actually left me again; I can’t believe that she would or could do this! She just up and left without a word to anyone. If she wanted to leave, I would have gotten her out of there in a heartbeat. Instead she actually goddamned kissed me, then fucking left me sitting here. I’m so livid right now that I feel my heart rate spiking and my blood pressure shooting up. I hear everyone talking at once, but it just sounds like white noise to me. I thought we had gotten through this, but obviously I was wrong.

  Trying to be rational, I tell myself that she just went through a terrible shock with Alyssa humiliating her in front of my parents. Although it wasn’t as if everyone turned on her. My own mom stood up for her and told her it didn’t matter. I know I’ve made it clear to her that what happened in the past didn’t affect the present or our future. But, this fucking shit she just pulled, it may have a huge impact on our future.

  Standing up, I tell Connor and Madison that I’m going after her. Striding away from the table without saying goodbye, my dad catches me by the arm. I have always looked up to my dad because he’s quiet and steady, which is most likely why he makes such a great doctor.

  With concern on his face, he says, “Jayson, you need to calm down and think about this rationally. Obviously, she left for a reason and you need to respect that.”

  I love my dad, but in this case he is wrong. “No dad,” I say, “the only thing I need to do is find her and spank the ever-loving shit out of her. I’m tired of all of this going back and forth. I don’t know what else I can do to show her I’m not leaving her or that I love her.”

  He just shakes his head and it’s apparent that he disagrees with me. “All I am telling you is that you are treading on thin ice here. Maybe Chloe isn’t emotionally healthy enough for the type of relationship you want from her.”

  Those words strike fear in my heart because it isn’t something that I haven’t thought myself. I just can’t stand the idea of being without her, but I love her enough to give her up if that is what is best for her.

  My mom sees the look on my face and says, “We have caused enough drama for one evening; I can’t believe we are even still allowed in the restaurant.”

  Looking at the rest of our group, she tells Connor and Madison to go on and go home and they would stay and take care of the bill. Then she tells my dad to, “add a big ass tip to it” so maybe we can escape with some dignity. Finally, she motions for me to follow her outside.

  Once we are away from the entrance of the restaurant, my mom wraps me up in a hug. I don’t know what is happening to me, but here I go wanting to cry again. I’m glad my junk is permanently attached or I would think I was turning into a woman!

  Pulling back from me, she says, “Jayson, you know I don’t like to disagree with your father in front of other people, but in this case, he is wrong. Chloe needs you right now. No, I am not agreeing with what she did. It was a selfish move on her part to leave you and the rest of us h
anging at the table. If it wasn’t for Madison’s phone app, I would have been scared to death that she had been taken or kidnapped. Son, you need to go to her; let her know that you love her, but be firm with her that these disappearing acts cannot keep happening. I admire Chloe greatly; I think she is very intelligent, but her emotional responses have remained the same as when she went through her traumatic experience. So, give her a break, but not too big of one. Whatever you do, and don’t think I didn’t hear the part about spanking, don’t do anything out of anger or you will lose her forever.”

  Knowing my mom is right, I feel my anger receding somewhat. I give my mom a hug and walk over to Connor and Madison.

  I ask Madison, “Does it show if she has stopped yet or is she still moving?”

  Madison pulls out her phone and clicks on the Family Map app and says, “It shows that her phone, at least, is at our apartment.” With a suspicious look, she says, “Why, what are you going to do?”

  Before I can answer, Connor says, “He’s going to spank the hell out of her ass until she can’t sit down and then he’s going to fuck her into next week.”

  Madison gasps and slaps Connor on the shoulder while telling him he is being an asshole.

  I smile at her and say, “Something like that.”

  Shaking her head at me, she says, “If that is your tactic to fixing things, it is either going to go very well or you will be minus a testicle and a girlfriend.” I shrug my shoulders and say, “We’ll see what happens…whatever it is…it will either be the beginning or the end of us.”

  With tears in her eyes, Madison hugs me and hands me her house keys.

  Connor walks part of the way with me and says, “Be sure you don’t hurt her, but you need to get her attention.”

  I look at him strangely, but I’m too tired to question him. With a quick hug from my ever-surprising brother, I walk towards my truck wondering if I’m about to lose my world all over again.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Jayson

  Driving over to Chloe’s apartment, I pick up my phone and contemplate trying to call her. With a curse, I throw it back down into the cup holder and turn up the radio. Here I am once again chasing after her. It occurs to me that I’m the one who feels like I can’t breathe; I’m the one who wants to punch something until my hands are bloody, and she is just sitting on her pretty ass in her apartment. I don’t think I have ever been so angry in my entire life; actually anger is not even the right word. If it hadn’t been for Madison’s phone app, all of us would have thought she had been kidnapped or worse. I wonder if she ever even thought of that.

  Logically, I know she has a lot of baggage and what she went through at the restaurant was a terrible shock. But, how much more do I have to do to convince her that I’m not leaving her. Or at least, I wouldn’t have left her. Right now, I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. I’m not only angry, but humiliated because I look like a fucking tool running after her again. If she were anyone else, I would have dropped her by now, but I can’t because I had to fucking fall in love.

  Not even paying attention to what I’m doing, I hear sirens and wonder if there is an accident. I look into my rear view mirror and my day just got better; I’m being stopped by an HPD officer. Feeling like my head is going to explode, I wait for him to approach. I can see him running my license plate and I just want him to hurry the hell up.

  He approaches my window and says their usual spiel, “License, insurance, and registration please.”

  I tell him the insurance and registration is in my glove box because I don’t want to get popped with him thinking I’m going for a gun. That’s the joy of living in Houston.

  I find all of my information and hand it over to him and he tells me he will be back with me in a moment. All I can think of is if Connor used my name or ID and I’m in trouble, he is another one that will be hurting tonight. Not that he would do anything illegal, just stupid crap that might get the police called on his ass. You would think a 23-year-old man, and I say that loosely, would not involve himself in mailbox baseball anymore. Yes, I am being a bitch right now, but since I can’t get to Chloe and I certainly can’t tear into the policeman, Connor is getting the brunt of my anger.

  When the officer hands me back my documentation, I decide Connor gets to live today because obviously nothing showed up against my license or license plate number.

  Taking out his ticket book, he asks me, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

  I really don’t know so I just decide to be honest. “Actually, I have no idea,” I tell him.

  Instead of starting to write like I expected, he asks, “You got something going on that you’re trying to get to?”

  Without meaning to, I laugh and say, “Yeah, the love of my life who I hate right now!”

  He snorts and I see his mouth curling up. He starts writing in his ticket book and says, “You were going 87 in a 75 mph zone. Considering I’m a romantic and a good guy, I’m going to let you go with a warning. Slow it down because the next dude that stops you might not be as understanding as I am of the ways of the heart.”

  I nod my head in agreement while trying not to laugh; wishing I could have recorded this for Connor to hear; this is the strangest traffic stop ever! He hands me my warning, gives me a little salute, and walks back towards his car.

  Slowly getting back on Hwy 59, I feel my anger cool somewhat. While I hate getting stopped for speeding, maybe it’s for the best since now I don’t have the urge to rip into her quite as much. Trying to decide how I am going to approach the situation, I turn into the parking lot of Chloe’s apartment complex. Her car is sitting in its spot and I feel a little better that she isn’t packing to hit the road.

  As I’m unlocking her front door, I’m telling myself that she probably just needed space and was embarrassed; that had to be why she left. I walk into the living room and suddenly my anger has now gone into the triple digits. She is sitting there reading a goddamned book on her Kindle! She looks up at me and it’s apparent that she thought it was going to be Madison coming in the door.

  I’m pretty positive I’m in danger of having a stroke right now. In two steps, I’m standing in front of her and pulling the Kindle out of her hands.

  “Are you really reading a fucking book right now,” I ask?

  Obviously thinking that being a smartass is her best defense, she says, “Yes genius, I am!”

  Throwing the e-reader down on the couch, I say, “You better be glad I don’t throw the fucking thing out of the window! What the hell were you thinking leaving like you did?”

  She opens her mouth to answer me and I say, “Shut it until I tell you to talk! Do you know what you put all of us through taking off like that? Or do you even care? Obviously not, because someone who was worried wouldn’t be reading a freaking romance novel right now! I can’t even begin to tell you how humiliated I am, not to mention that once again, you didn’t trust me. You just made decisions for both of us.”

  I can see her lips trembling and I say, “Don’t even start with the tears right now!”

  I know I’m being the biggest dick this side of the Gulf of Mexico, but I’m so angry, I can’t seem to reel it in.

  Evidently, this pisses her off because she glares up at me and says, “Can I speak now, O Great One?”

  Now, I feel both my heart rate and blood pressure spiking. “Do you think this is a game,” I ask? “Whatever you do, you need to choose your next words wisely.”

  Sitting there quietly, I think I might be getting through to her until she says the last thing I ever expected her to say.

  “Why, are you going to shove your dick in my mouth again if I don’t say what you want to hear?”

  That did it; she’s getting her ass whipped and yeah, I may shove my dick in her mouth, too, for good measure!

  Leaning down into her face, I say in an extremely quiet voice, “Stand up now.” She starts shaking her head no and I say, “Chloe, stand up or I will pick you up.�
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  At this point, we’re in a staring contest until she says, “I don’t even know who you are right now, Jayson.”

  Picking her up off the couch, I walk towards her bedroom door and say, “That makes two of us, princess.”

  Once I get us into her bedroom, I lock the door then set her down. She immediately crosses her arms and glares up at me from the bed. I actually start praying to whomever might hear me right now because this girl is going to be the death of me! I begin unbuttoning my shirt and her eyes get big.

  “Uh, what do you think you are doing? We are not having sex right now, if ever!”

  I don’t answer her except to kick off my boots, pull my socks and jeans off, and stand there staring at her in my boxer briefs. I guess you could call it nonverbal communication.

  Finally I answer her, “We are going to do an exercise in trust-building. You can either participate and I stay, and maybe we will work things out. Or you can sit there glaring and I walk out of your life for good. And trust me, I know I’ve been a pushover for you, but when I make up my mind for something, I don’t change it. So, you have about 10 seconds to get your clothes off and get over here.”

  My heart is beating overtime because I don’t know what her response is going to be. Yes, I’m still angry, but I don’t want to lose her. I hope she picks the right option because I’m serious about leaving for good if she doesn’t. All of a sudden, she kicks off her shoes, unzips her skirt, and unbuttons her shirt…leaving her standing there in her panties and bra.

  I hold out my hand to her and say, “Come over here to me.”

  I’m standing in front of her large dresser with a mirror and the significance isn’t lost on me. I can tell she doesn’t know what to do, but I’m proud of her because she walks to me and places her hand in mine. I pull her to me for a moment, letting my guard down, because I thought I was never going to hold her again. I let her go because now it’s time for some “tough love” and I wonder if it will make us or break us. At this point, it’s all I have left to try to get through to her, so I pull her in front of me, facing the mirror.