Ahdan

by Nikki Clarke

  A moment later, more footsteps sound out and Shay comes stumbling out of the woods with Sol close behind. She looks a little wobbly about the legs, and she’s not in the clothes she had on when she left. She’s wrapped in a long piece of dark cloth which crosses her body like a sari, and beside her, Sol is only wearing a tight pair of black boxer looking shorts. My eyes widen on the insane bulge in his crotch which he absently adjusts, making me lower my gaze.

  “It seems you are not the only one who was caught,” Ah’dan murmurs.

  The rest of the group is already waiting. The only ones missing are Bati and Tee. I swing from side to side, but they are nowhere in sight.

  “They will not be returning for a time,” Sol says.

  “No listening, babe,” Shay reminds him, and he grunts in acknowledgement.

  “I do not believe this game is nearly as fun when everyone present is not leht.” E'lii stands to the side with his little sister, who he was charged with finding. She is still young, and he holds her in his arms.

  “I hid in the grass,” she giggles, and E'lii flips his eyes up.

  “I had such a difficult time finding her. If she had not giggled, I never would have spotted her in this bright red tunic amongst all of those low, blue blades.”

  She cracks up, not catching the sarcasm, and I laugh.

  “I think it was an ingenious hiding place. Among humans, that is called hiding in plain sight. You did well, Tiki.” Q’rai takes his sister from his brother and ruffles her curly hair. She wraps her arms around his neck and gives him a smacking kiss, causing all the women present to ‘aw.’ “Are you telling me, brother, that you would relinquish this little one’s sweet, innocent interpretation of this game to engage in the flagrant, sexual gloating of the others?”

  “In a heartbeat,” E'lii replies with his eyes on me. I look to the side and step closer to Ah’dan.

  “Well, our brother is being a tactless loser. Let us take you back to Amha, little one.” Q’rai tickles his sister again and she cackles as he carries her off.

  We all start back to the camp, and when we get there, the couples start heading toward the relaxation lodges. From what Tee told me, they are like Lyqa spas. You’re supposed to go with your guy and have some kind of couple rejuvenation session. I tug on Ah’dan’s hand.

  “Want to go? It’s supposed to be relaxing and help bring us closer.”

  He frowns and tugs on our hands, so I fall against his side, then leans down to give me a kiss. “We are already close, yes?”

  “I said closer. It might be fun. We don't have to stay in the room all day. Plus, I think we’ll be the only couples not doing it. Even your mom and dad are going.” I nudge my head over to where his parents are walking toward the lodges. When we look around, its mostly children and his single cousins left.

  I can tell he's unsure, so I give his hand a squeeze.

  “You know, what? It’s okay. Let's find something else to do.”

  I’m not trying to make him feel bad, but his expression shifts to guilt and he sighs. “No, let us go. Come.”

  He pulls me in the direction of the others. As we get closer, his hand begins to shake a bit, and tighten my grip. Why is he so nervous?

  There’s a tall Lyqa dude who isn't a part of our group standing at the entrance to the lodges. Ah’dan’s parents have just passed through when we approach. Before the guy can say something, Ah’dan lets off a string of Lyqa. The dude frowns then his eyes shift to me.

  “Anta lehti?”

  Ah’dan sighs again. “Nah saeh’ti.”

  Immediately, the Lyqa begins to shake his head. He smiles and holds out his hand as he begins to speak again. Whatever he’s saying, he does it slowly like one would when talking to a child. Ah’dan nods with equal patience, and when the man is finished, he turns away and begins to pull me back toward camp.

  “Where they full or something?”

  “They were not, but it is not something we can take part in. It is for married couples."

  I frown. "Strictly married?"

  His head dips in a short nod. "It is for those who are leht."

  I pull against his hand forcing him to stop. His eyes are pained as they look down on me, and I reach up to smooth away the crease in his forehead. “I love you, Ah’dan. I’d like to stay with you. I mean, if you asked, I'd do the whole leht thing with you, or whatever your Lyqa marriage is called.”

  He flinches and releases my hand before stepping back. I expected to ease his worry, but he only seems more disturbed.

  "That was a joke, hun. Don't worry," I reassure, and he sighs and shakes his head.

  “You do not understand. The leht is not a marriage. I would marry you in a moment. It is something else, something more, but it is also something that we can never do. I should have explained this before, and I am sorry.”

  The smile I wore as I declared my love for him is slowly shifting into an awkward grin. My heart sets up a nervous pace, and it feels so loud that it’s almost like I can hear it outside of my body. I look down to my chest, but then realize quickly that it isn't me, it's him.

  Ah'dan's eyes widen as he presses a hand to chest, and I worry for a moment that he’s having another one of his attacks. He thinks I haven't noticed, but they've been more frequent. I immediately start looking around for help and see E’lii striding with determined steps toward us from his cabin on the other side of the camp.

  “Is it your heart?”

  “My heart,” he murmurs and moves past me, easing me to the side, as he starts to jog toward our cabin. I take off after him, calling his name and trying to keep up. He seems delirious. I hear footsteps behind me and E’lii call out my name as I follow Ah’dan up the steps of our cabin.

  He stops just inside, still as a statue, his hands shaking at his sides. All of him seems to shake. His big body is blocking the entry way, but his voice sounds out clear.

  “Lehti.” The single word is spoken with a pained kind of reverence that I’ve never heard from him before. He’s usually so in control, so in command. I give him a gentle shove and step into the room.

  There's someone standing by the bathing pool. She's tall and clearly Lyqa. She looks up as I enter and smiles in our direction.

  "Lehti," she croons across the space, and like he's in a trance, Ah'dan sets off toward her with urgent, determined steps.

  I watch, unsure of what to do. It's hard to mistake the woman Ah'dan is nearly upon. She’s the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and she's the woman from the paintings in Ah'dan's house.

  He’s in front of her now. She looks up at him with a shy smile. He puts a hand to her waist. The other slides behind her and disappears over the curve of her ass. They're so close you couldn’t fit a dollar bill between them, and my breathing skitters as I wait for whatever is going to happen. Ah'dan looks at her like he can't believe she's real.

  "How?" He says, and there is so much emotion in the single word that I feel my own throat close with anxiety. She slides her hands up his arms to claps behind his neck.

  "I wished to see you. I needed to see you. It is okay that I am here?"

  "Always," he says without hesitation, and I my eyesight glosses over, but not before I see Ah'dan lower his face toward hers. I blink, trying to clear my vision.

  “You do not wish to witness this, za’aih.” I’m grabbed from behind. E’lii wraps an arm around my middle and covers my eyes before hauling me away.

  AH'DAN

  My eyes struggle to take in the face before me even as it is a face I know the best in the entirety of the Universe. My heart beats wildly in my chest. It sends a rush of energy through me that I have not experienced in a long while. My lehti is here, and I have never been so confused.

  “It is good to see you, lehti.” The sound of Ze’lah’s voice washes over me, and I close my eyes, only to bring them wide again out of fear she will disappear. “You appear well. I am glad.”

  We stand near the bathing pool, and she presents almost a
s a mirage in the swirling steam. The room has already begun to smell like her, and I inhale deeply of the scent I had almost forgotten. She watches me calmly, making no move to release me. Every bit of hurt I have felt rises like a tide through my chest, but I don't move away. I want to touch her and know that she is real. I want to sink my fingers into her soft curls and hear her gasp like she used to.

  “Goodness, Ah’dan. I know it has been long, but can you at least greet me properly before imagining all of the ways in which you would take me?”

  I blink out of my head and look down into the endless pools of her brown eyes. I love her eyes. I have always loved her eyes. They have haunted my thoughts, both awake and asleep, for many rotations.

  I am disturbed by her presence, upset even, but still I reach about her waist, remembering right away how I held her, only her. I slide one hand to the middle of her back. The other, I fit around the soft curve of her bottom. I pull her up to my chest, and her lips part on a soft gasp. I have missed that sound. It is the sound she makes when I first enter her, and it is the sound she makes when I greet her properly.

  "How?"

  She holds my gaze, sliding her hands up my arms to wrap them around my neck, and my skin burns where she makes contact.

  "I wished to see you. I needed to see you. It is okay that I am here?"

  "Always." Our hearts thump in rhythm, and when I lower my head to the curve of her jaw to press a kiss there, my heart trips. She is here. I never thought to see her again, and she is here.

  When I lift my head again, she is smiling. It is a beautiful smile; at one point, hers was the most beautiful smile, but then she left. Hurt chases away the exhilaration of the moment. Immediately, I release her and step away, putting some distance between us.

  “What is wrong?” Ze’lah frowns, attempting to close the space again. I stop her, taking her hands before they can go back around my neck, but not releasing them.

  “Why are you here?”

  “What do you mean, Addie?” She blinks up at me, and I stamp down the stutter of my heart. “I came to see you.”

  She pulls her wrist free and makes a reach for my face. Before she can touch me, I shift to the side.

  “I have been feeling you, here.” She redirects her hand to her chest, pressing her palm flat in the space between her breasts. “Have you not felt me?”

  I nod. “I have, but it has not been a pleasant feeling."

  She looks uneasy, and her cheeks flush. I fist my hands, so I don't do as my First heart is urging and attempt to sooth away her discomfort.

  "You are not pleased to see me. I understand."

  "You left me." I barely say the words. Every feeling I have managed to suppress in the past rotations comes flooding back.

  Ze'lah nods. "I did; however, I am here now. Is this not meaningful also?"

  "What do you expect me to say?" My voice is harsher than I wish it to be, and I take a breath. It feels wrong to speak to her this way. Every part of me wants to reassure her.

  "Many things," Ze'lah replies gently. She reaches up a hand and smooths it over my cheek, and I turn into it because, despite myself, I love her and I missed her. After a moment, I ease away, ashamed that it has taken nothing for me fall back into her again. My chest aches, and I flinch before taking several steps back.

  "I need some air. Pardon me.”

  I turn and exit the cabin onto the porch where the fresh, cool air is like a dash of water over my senses. My mind clears, and the reality of the last few moments begins to take root. My lehti is here, and so is Niya.

  Niya!

  She was behind me. I swing my head from one side to the other. I did not hear her leave.

  “E’lii brought her to his cabin.” Bati appears to my right, and points to their lodgings on the other side of camp. “She is confused, brother. You should go to her.”

  I hop off the porch and heard toward E’lii’s cabin. Now that I am thinking clearly, I am struck by the absence of my saeh’ti. I do not know how much she saw, or what she has made of what she witnessed, but I need to see her. Even as my heart thumps in tandem with the heart still in my cabin, I am drawn to find Niya, to explain if I can.

  As I get close to the cabin, fear twists its way through my gut. I take the steps slowly, dragging a deep breath to will my heart to slow. I do my best to calm as I push the door open.

  I see her first. My eyes search her out and find her immediately. She is sitting in a lounge chair near the bathing pool. Across from her is E’lii. I only catch the end of his words.

  “…That, essentially, is the leht.”

  They both turn when I walk in. E’lii gives me a regretful smile. I can smell his remorse from where I stand. Niya’s reaction is more difficult to read. She looks at me with something of sadness, but when I scent her, she, too, smells regretful.

  “I thought it meant you all were married,” she says with a small smile.

  I shake my head.

  “It does not.” I move closer until I stand in front of her. I drop to my heels and take one of her hands.

  “She’s not your wife. She’s your lehti. That’s more than a wife.”

  I swallow, attempting to work the stone in my throat down.

  “It is,” I reply thickly.

  She tilts her head to the side, looking closely at me. I feel as if she is seeing things I thought were hidden, things I still wish I could hide.

  “You missed her.”

  I choke as the stone bobs back up, and I must lower my head, so she doesn't see any more of me.

  “I did,” I respond truthfully.

  “You still love her,” she says plainly, and I also cannot lie about this.

  “I do,” I admit, lifting my head, so she can see that what I say next is true. “But I love you, too. I love you more than I thought was possible for me to love another, aside—”

  “From her,” she finishes, and I nod.

  I lower my eyes again, there is too much shame, too much hurt, and it is all my doing. “I should have said something. I should have told you about the leht. I should not have let you find out this way. I was scared that you would think the connection between Ze’lah and I meant that I did not or could not love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

  “Doesn't it?”

  I meet her gaze again to find her patiently watching me, and I look away again because I cannot give her the answer she is entitled to. I never thought to see Ze'lah again, and now that I have, I cannot sort the turbulence of feelings inside of me.

  "I do not know."

  I cannot see her response, but when she reaches her free hand up to caress my cheek, I lower my head further.

  “I guess now I know why you were so nervous. It must be a big deal to not have your soul mate with you for something like this.”

  I cover her hand with my own, and lean into her touch. “I am sorry. I would not have this happen, but I am here with you, and I wish to stay with you.”

  She presses her lips together. “You sure?”

  I do not know. Despite the confusion caused by Ze'lah's appearance, when I look at Niya, a warmth that I have never known rushes through me. I raise the hand I hold to my mouth and kiss her fingers. “I have a choice. Before, I thought I did not. I thought she was my only chance at happiness and love, but I know that is not true now. You showed me this. Allow me to resolve my connection to Ze'lah, finally, and I will spend the rest of my days showing you that regardless of what my physiology has determined for my heart, you are the one I choose for my life.”

  I grip Niya’s hand tighter as we walk back to our cabin. My heart thumps heavily, and the closer we get, the heavier the beat, until I look down, expecting to see it coming from my chest.

  “I’m here.” Niya squeezes my hand, and I calm. The thump eases to a dull thud.

  We climb the stairs together, and I push the door open. Immediately, the mingling scents of Niya and Ze’lah push out against me, causing me to falter. She stands in the back of the ro
om at my and Niya’s bed. As we enter, she lifts one of Niya’s dresses to examine it.

  “Is that chick touching my shit?” Niya pushes the words from the side of her mouth, and my lehti turns, dropping the dress to the bed. Niya cranes her head to look at me with wide eyes. “Did that chick just drop my shit?”

  Ze'lah's tinkling laughter precedes her as she makes her way over to us. It comes to a blunt halt when her eyes fall on our joined hands.

  “Addie?” Her eyes crease with concern. “Who is this?"

  It takes a moment to find my voice. "This is Niya, my saeh'ti."

  Ze'lah's brows rise. She looks Niya over. "Oh, and does she know who I am?"

  I nod. “She does, but I need to explain something to you.”

  Ze'lah's face shifts and my heart twinges. I clench my free hand into a fist, fighting against my natural urge to soothe away her worry. Niya adjusts her grip, giving me a reassuring squeeze. I turn to her, and she smiles, making it easier for me to resist my hesitation. I remind myself that I may not be able to control my heart, but I can control my future and with whom I spend it.

  “I love her,” I say, still looking at Niya. I take in every one of the features I have come to love so much in the past turns. I sear them into my brain, and use them to give me the strength I need to overcome the only other truth I have ever known. Then I face Ze'lah again, not quite looking at her, but looking just to the side of her, and never looking at her eyes. “For more rotations than I wanted, I waited for you. I thought you were all there was, but,” I pause, breathing deeply, “you were not. Niya is who I choose.”

  Ze'lah blinks, “We are leht.”

  I focus on her gaze then. "I am hers."

  Ze'lah gives me a look filled with sympathy. "We are each other's, Addie. You will realize this soon enough." She exhales and turns to Niya, nodding her head. “I am sorry to have touched your shit.”

  Ze'lah moves around us and out of the cabin. The second she is gone, Niya turns to me, gripping my arms and giving them a shake.

  “Relax your hand.”

  I do as she says. My fingers ache from holding them so tight. My heart is a fist in my chest, and she looks at the place where the sound echoes beneath my breastbone.