Ahdan

by Nikki Clarke

  He doesn’t wait but leaves after this directive and I’m left to stare at the door again wondering just what the hell is going on.

  AH'DAN

  “You’re going to tell us what’s going on, and I don't want to hear any of that ‘everything is fine’ shit. Something’s up. Tell us. You have to.”

  I smile at Tiani’s declaration. She sounds so much like Shay, and I miss the other Bennet sister immensely in this moment. Amina, who is watching me carefully from a few paces away, comes over and stands in front of me.

  “Remember when I first got here, and we saw that movie?”

  I nod. She is so clever. I look up at Kwarq, and he shrugs as if he is not surprised she has figured it out.

  “And that guy’s lehti died, and his family started doing all those things together and having those big dinners with all his favorite food and trying to be extra happy because they knew he was going to die, too?”

  I nod again, allowing her to complete her suspicions. Amina swallows, her scent turning apprehensive.

  “That’s what this feels like.” She stops short of asking me directly, so I relieve her of this challenge. I should be the one to speak the words anyway.

  “Ze’lah’s heart is defective.”

  “What does that mean?” Tiani’s question is nearly hostile. I offer a patient smile.

  “It means, she is dying.”

  They stare at me for a long moment before Tiani snorts.

  “Tell her to fix it. You all are advanced. She can fix it. Tell her to fix it,” she repeats. She smells so scared and so sad. It makes my already aching heart ache more.

  “She has attempted to have it repaired, but her only recourse for survival would be a transplant.”

  “That’s good then!” Tee exclaims with near relief. “Because if she gets a new heart, you’re good, right?”

  But Amina is already shaking her head. Her eyes have not left mine, and she looks sadder and sadder as she comes to understand.

  “His heart isn’t attached to any heart Ze’lah has. It’s attached to her heart. Once she gets the operation, you’re going to die. I’m assuming you told her to get it.”

  “I did,” I confirm. “We would have died anyway, and I would not have her make that sacrifice if she could live a time yet.”

  “Wait, what?” Tee’s scent is edged with panic as she moves closer. My brothers stand back allowing their lehti to come to their own understanding. “What do you mean?”

  This is a pointless question. I can smell that Tiani knows exactly what I mean, but I respond with the kind of patience I know is needed for this situation. I anticipated this difficulty. This is not their way. I wrap my arms around their shoulders and pull them against me, both to have them close and to help ease the truth of what I say.

  “You know the dictates of the leht,” I begin. “There is nothing I can do, but this is a reality I have known my entire life and one that I accept, no matter how it pains me. I am sorry, though, that you must deal with something that seems so unnatural, so foreign for you.”

  It is quiet for a moment before both women wrap their arms around my waist. Tiani squeezes with a defiant firmness, and I understand how she feels.

  “No,” she says simply. “Tell her to keep looking for a cure. She has to keep her heart. We have to keep you.”

  They cannot see my smile, but I crowd over them, holding them close. “It is done, my sa’aih. She did not have much time, and this morning her operation was successful, for which I am glad.”

  They stiffen and attempt to pull away, but I hold firm, keeping them against me, trying to absorb as much of the shock as I can.

  Tiani breaks first, releasing a long, low wail that guts me. I did not need the call from Ze’lah’s father earlier. I’d felt the change the moment I woke up. My First heart had been a hollow, lonely beat in my chest.

  Amina’s sniffled cries join Tiani’s, and I squeeze tighter, my own eyes misting over. We stay this way for a long time, and I wait until they ease away from me before releasing them. They both stare up at me with red, tear-filled gazes. Tiani tries to speak, but her expression collapses, and she covers her face with her hands. Bati approaches then and pulls her to him.

  “How—how long until it happens? You look different. You look—” her voice stalls, and she shakes her head.

  “It is okay, sa’aih. I feel different. I am tired, so it will not be long. A turn perhaps.” I say this, but I do not think it will even be this long. I am shocked at how weakened I feel without the support of the leht.

  “A day!” Amina gasps, and Tiani merely cries harder against Bati’s chest. He looks to be in pain, and I am sorry that I am doing this to them, even as I know it cannot be helped. Amina looks up at me with hope, brushing at her eyes. “What if you don't die? What if you can hold on?”

  Tee turns around then, her face wet and swollen. “Yeah, what about that guy Guhs? Can't you do what he did?”

  Despite the sober mood, I chuckle. “If, perhaps, I had as great a love for my lehti that just the thought of it could sustain me, I could do as he has done, but I am not ashamed to say that Ze’lah is not the one I love in this way.”

  Both women’s eyes widen with realization.

  “Niya,” Tee whispers, covering her mouth. “What are you going to tell her?”

  This is why I had hoped for more time. I wanted to spend as many days with Niya and my family as possible before having to reveal my condition to Amina and Tee, but I am forced to tell them first and hope that they will trust my plan.

  “Niya has not had the benefit of coming to understand our culture and biology as you have. I would not spend my last day with her explaining something she will not have time to comprehend.”

  “You’re not going to tell her?” Tiani sounds horrified at the idea. “You have to tell her!”

  “I love her,” I return through the thickness in my throat. “After Ze’lah left, I never thought I would be fortunate enough to experience the happiness I have had in the past weeks. I would not spend my last day with her in sorrow.”

  Both Tiani and Amina look conflicted, but Kwarq approaches and places a comforting hand on Amina’s shoulder.

  “We will be here for Niya to help her understand after it is done. Let them have this time. This is not your way, but I would ask that you respect this request and not inform her.”

  Amina’s expression softens, and she nods before giving me another hug. I hold her close and am reminded of my infatuation with her when she first arrived with Kwarq. This is why. She has always been so good and so kind.

  “I love you, Amina.”

  “I love you, too. So much,” she says in a small voice before releasing me. She tries to force a smile. “I really hate that you’re Lyqa right now, though.”

  I force another weak chuckle and turn to Tee. When I hold my arms open, she rushes into them.

  “I want to fix it,” she says in anguish.

  “I know.”

  “I don't want you to go.”

  “I know.”

  “KJ—” she chokes and presses her face into my chest.

  “I know.”

  I stay with them for a while. When they are calmer, I visit with the children, taking KJ onto my lap and ruffling a hand over his head.

  “You are a beautiful child, you know this?”

  He nods.

  “Thanks, Uncle Ah’dan.” He holds a block in his hand, twisting it around and around.

  “I am going to go on a trip,” I continue, and KJ looks up in excitement.

  “Can I go?”

  I shake my head. “You cannot. When I leave, it will feel like I am gone forever, but I won’t be. I will always be here because you will always remember me, yes?”

  His little head bobs up and down, and he drops the block and hugs me around the neck. “I love you, Uncle Ah’dan. You’re my favorite in the whole world.”

  “And you are my favorite dah'san.” I hug him back, but suddenly I cannot t
ake it. I look up to his mother, and she takes him, distracting him with some task. I kiss the babies and leave, going into the hall where my brothers meet me a moment later.

  “How are you, brother?” Kwarq asks, taking my shoulder.

  I take a deep breath. “I am well. Tired, but well.”

  “Do you have long?” Bati is fearful, and I try my best give him a look of reassurance.

  “I have enough time. Do not worry. Be with your lehti. I will comm you if anything changes.”

  They nod and go back inside, leaving me to gather myself so I can face Niya.

  She is asleep when I enter. I can hear her soft breaths from the bed. I was gone for longer than I anticipated, but my heart immediately warms when my eyes fall on the naked curve of her hip.

  I undress quickly and slide into bed, fitting myself to her from behind. She sighs and rolls her hips back.

  “Where’d you go? I missed you.” Her voice is sleepy as she presses herself against me. I am hungry for her, and I lift her leg, position myself against her opening, and slide deep through her silken warmth.

  “Mm.”

  Her moan is the sweetest sound I will ever hear. As I begin to move, it is not lost on me that encouraging my heart to this kind of exertion is shortening the already limited time have left, but I would rather live half a turn less if that time is spent inside of the woman I love.

  I move slowly, giving her my full length with each thrust. My senses have dimmed, but even dulled, the feel of her surrounding me is the best feeling of my life. My heart thumps a painful rhythm, and I increase my pace, fucking her with more force. She is quiet, but I do not want quiet now.

  “Please let me hear you. I want to hear you.”

  She gasps and moans as she rocks back against me. She clenches around my cock, signaling that she’s close to her end. I reach around and let my fingers dance across her clit, and she trembles before crying out.

  “Ah’dan!”

  “Yes, my heart.” I lower my face to her cloud of hair and inhale as much of her scent as I can. It’s faint, but there, and the effect is just as strong as it has always been. I thrust harder, riding her through her release, and then I press deep, a surge of energy surging through me as I flood her with my seed.

  ***

  “Now?”

  Niya looks up in surprise as she pulls a long, Lyqa dress up her body. I watch her, trying to commit every bit of skin to memory.

  “I would like to spend some time with you at your home. I would like for us to be alone.”

  She frowns but nods. I don't have to be able to scent her to know she is suspicious.

  “Okay. I can be ready in a half hour, I guess.”

  After the time she indicates, we walk to the hall with her bags. Tucked beneath my arm is my canvas and painting supplies. My parents and brothers stand in the entryway.

  “I will come back before it is over,” I say in Lyqa to them. My mother steps forward and wraps Niya in a hug.

  “You are welcome here any time. This is your home, too. It has been so good to have you here, dahnai.”

  “Thank you for having me. I hope to be back soon.” Niya releases my mother and hugs my father and brothers.

  “Tiani and Amina will comm you later. They apologize for not being here to see you off,” says Kwarq.

  “Okay. Tell them I said bye.” Niya waves and goes out onto the porch, leaving me with my family.

  “I would be with you,” my mother says. We have lehti’an. This will affect her the most. I am glad for my brothers. Like the leht, my connection to my mother is a binding one, but knowing she has other children to focus on gives me a sense of peace.

  “I will make sure you are at my side. You all will be.”

  I look at them one last time, committing each of their faces to memory, and leave.

  “Why did everyone seem so sad?”

  I keep my eyes ahead as I navigate the pod away from the transport center and into the jumping zone. I engage the jump, programming in the coordinates for Earth, and a moment later, we blink into the dusky, purple sky over Chicago.

  “They are not sad,” I return as I maneuver us toward the Bennets’ house. “They are grateful, as am I.”

  I lower the craft into the rear yard and engage the long-term cloaking mechanism. It extends a beam of reflective light over the pod and to the porch to conceal our entry.

  Inside, I put our bags in the living room and prop my canvas against the wall. Once I am free of the bags, I get dizzy, listing to the side a bit, and catching myself on the wall.

  “You okay? Is it your chest again?” Niya comes behind and holds me steady by the waist. I cover one of her hands with my own.

  “It is my chest, but I am well. I thought perhaps we could watch a movie.”

  She smiles, but her brows bunch. “Like a human movie?”

  I point to the television on the other side of the couch. “There is a movie of which Qim is fond, and I promised him I would watch it at least once. Now seems as good a time as any.”

  Niya laughs but starts over to the media center. I am glad that her back is to me, so she does not see me grip my chest. The pain is stabbing. It makes my extremities numb, but I push it down.

  “Do you know what it’s called?” She is sifting through the discs stacked beneath the television.

  “Saturday.”

  She looks up in confusion before her mouth spreads into a grin, and her tinkling laughter courses over me, chasing away the pain and numbness. “It’s not called that, but I got you.”

  She continues searching until she finds what she’s looking for then inserts it into the player and crosses to the couch.

  “Come on, let’s cuddle. You look like you need some cuddle.”

  I do. I need all of the cuddles. I need every part of my body touching hers, so I can get through this. I take the seat beside her, collapsing onto the cushion. I am tired. My First heart’s beat is labored and unsteady. In response, my second heart beats rapidly to compensate.

  I lean against the side arm, taking deep breaths, willing my heart to slow, and hold my arms out for Niya. She turns off the lights, submerging us in darkness, and settles against my chest. I close my arms around her and look at the screen.

  Qim was right. This movie is funny. I manage a chuckle on several parts, but I spend most of the time enjoying Niya’s cackling laughter. It is beautiful, like a song. She does as Qim did and recites the parts of the movie that she knows, and I bask in the sound of her voice and her scent, which has become sweet and light. She smells of happiness and—newness. The whiffs that I catch call to the waning part of me that wants to claim what is mine.

  “We can stay here if you’re tired. You seem tired.”

  Niya is looking at me. She is twisted in my arms, and I try to focus on her face, but she is somewhate blurry. My senses are going, and I would use what remains of them to feel her again.

  “Let us stay. I would make love to you.”

  She smiles and leans in to press her lips gently to mine. “Let’s go to bed.”

  I shake my head. “Here.”

  “Okay.”

  She turns completely and straddles my waist. I hold her hips and press up against her. Despite my weakness, I am hard and ready. My cock strains painfully behind my pants.

  Niya reaches for the skirt of her dress and begins to ease it up. I watch, entranced, as her smooth, brown skin is exposed to me. When she finally flips the dress over her head and drops it to the floor, I suck in a startled breath.

  She is perfect and beautiful and mine. My eyes dance over her body—the small, firm breasts with their darkened peaks, the taut belly and toned shoulders. I tell myself over and over how fortunate I am. I thank the Universe for the opportunity to have loved her, no matter how short it has been.

  “You are my most beautiful thing,” I tell her as I mold my hands back around her bottom. I lift her as best I can. “Ride me.”

  Her mouth parts with a breathy sigh as she
lifts onto her knees and frees me from my pants. I am harder than I have ever been. She grabs hold of me, stroking along my length with a firm grip before she positions herself over me and begins to sink down.

  The moments as I press through her passage are the most beautiful torture. Had I not promised my mother to be home for the end, I would gladly relinquish myself to this moment. Niya moans, the sound activating my weakening senses, and a thrill rushes over me. I already know this will be the best of my life. Again, I think of how fortunate I am.

  “Oh, my god.” Niya’s eyes press closed in pleasure as I come to rest fully inside of her. Her body cradles me in a tight clasp, and bright bursts of sensation detonate through my mind. My synapses fire rapidly as she starts to rise and drop. Each movement has me gripping her hips tighter and tighter, and my hips lift to meet her, to get as close as I can, to give her all that I have.

  “You are perfect,” I tell her as she rocks over me. Her breasts bounce lightly, and I pull her forward and take one into my mouth.

  “Ah!”

  Her cries echo through my ears and vibrate through my body. I am filled with renewed energy as I suckle at her sweet flesh. Her movements become more vigorous; her bottom hits my thighs with a sharp clap. I steel myself for the building pleasure, forcing my eyes open so I do not miss a moment.

  “Come with me,” I tell her.

  She screams and jerks, arching her back and grinding down onto my cock as I begin to pulse and release inside of her. She clenches around me, her legs shaking violently, and falls forward breathing heavily and covering my face with her puff of hair. I love it. I hold her close, my release still pulsing into her. She settles against me, and when her breathing deepens, and I am sure she is asleep, I carefully lift her and settle her on the couch.

  I stand, watching her peaceful rest for a moment. I will never forget this moment. I lift my comm and capture the image before going over to the canvas I left by the door. It takes more effort than I expect to set it up behind the couch where Niya sleeps peacefully. I take out my brushes and pallet and begin to work.