Ahdan

by Nikki Clarke

  I smooth a final stroke across the canvas just as a pain claws its way through my chest. I jerk forward, coughing, and when I cover my mouth to stifle the sound, it comes away wet with blood. The fluid shimmers in my palm, and panic flares through me. Even knowing this was coming, I am not ready. Niya still sleeps. I want to go to her, but I fear I only have enough energy to get to the pod. I send a comm to my brothers, asking them to meet me at transport. A moment later, Kwarq responds that they are already waiting, and I stand and pause.

  Niya’s soft snore sounds out from across the room. I close my eyes and take it in. I conjure up an image of her face, and it is clear and beautiful and detailed. It is enough. I stare at the back of the couch for another moment and turn and leave the house. I set the pod to auto navigation and before I have even ascended into the atmosphere, fatigue overtakes me, and I fall forward into a shroud of darkness.

  CHAPTER 9

  NIYA

  Before I even open my eyes, I know I'm alone. His absence is like a vibration, a remnant of the love that was present when he was lying next to me. I sit up, naked and cold, and look around the room.

  The first thing I see is his canvas, and I lift up to see if he's in the room. I've been wanting to sneak a peek for a while, so I rise from the couch, picking up my dress to cover myself, and walk around to look at it.

  “Oh, my god.” I cover my mouth as the words spill from my lips. I stare at the painting, unable to take it in quick enough.

  It’s me, but it’s a me that I never could have imagined—it’s true and honest and raw. I don't know what the canvas is made of, but it shimmers softly, bouncing light around, so the image almost seems to come alive as I look at it.

  It’s just my face. I’m in profile as Ah’dan had me sit for so many hours, my eyes peeking to the corner. They look back at me, brown and deep, and I feel like I’m looking into my own soul.

  The canvas is an assemblage of colors, blending and overlapping. They look like sound and feeling. I feel them. My breath quickens and my throat closes with emotion. He’s captured every part of me. Across my cheek, the dark spattering of discoloration adds depth, lifting my cheekbones in a way I never noticed. They don't look like scars the way he’s painted them; they look like enhancements. My hand lifts on its own to brush over my face, and I’ve never felt so beautiful. A wide grin pulls at my mouth as I think that Ze’lah was right. He is an amazing artist. He paints with soul and a beautiful spirit.

  I turn and run to the hall, thinking he may have gone to bathe.

  “Ah’dan?”

  There’s no answer, and the emptiness becomes more permeating. I check every room before I’m convinced the house is empty. Confused, I go back to the living room, looking for some sign of where he’s gone when I see the careful words scrawled across the bottom of the canvas. I bend down in front of the painting and read.

  You are more beautiful than I could ever do justice, but I have tried, and I hope that when you look at this, you know that I loved you more than I could ever have imagined. Wherever I go, you will always be with me. You are mine, I am yours, we are each other’s. —Ah’dan

  It sounds too much like a goodbye to be anything else. I blink, going over the words again, and try to make sense of what I’m reading. He’s left, and it’s clear he has no intention of coming back, but why?

  Quickly, I fan out my dress and step into it, pulling it up over my breasts and securing it at my shoulder. I run to the back of the house and out onto the porch, only to have my suspicions confirmed. The pod is gone. There’s nothing in the yard but an impression where the large feet of the pod rested in the grass. I turn and slap a hand on the back door and see that I still have my comm. I’ve never actually used it, but I tap the surface, only to have a bunch of Lyqa symbols flash in front of me.

  “Shit.” When I say the word, the screen changes, flashing a new set of symbols, and I wonder if it could be that simple. “Display in English.”

  The screen shifts again, and this time, the words that pop up are in English. It’s a definition of the word ‘shit.’ I frown and try to think of how to ask for what I want.

  “Um, call Ah’dan.”

  I wait and nothing happens, then a second later, the band flashes and starts to ring. Excitement flares through me as I wait for it to connect, but the ringing stops. I tap the band again.

  “Call Tiani.”

  Again, the band rings before the call goes unanswered. I try Amina. I try Bati. I try Kwarq. I’m about to give up when I tap the band one more time.

  “Call KJ.”

  The band doesn't ring once before my nephew's unusually grim face appears in front of me.

  “Hey, kid. Where’s your mommy?”

  KJ sighs and looks away. He looks like he’s about to cry. “She’s with everyone else for the ceremony.”

  I frown. Ceremony? Maybe that’s why Ah’dan left. Maybe there’s some Lyqa thing happening, and he’ll be back after. This seems like the logical explanation, but a feeling deep in my gut is telling me that something is very very wrong.

  “Where’s your Uncle Ah’dan?”

  KJ's little shoulder hitches up. “I don't know. Ahpa and Uncle Kwarq carried him in before, but they said I have to stay in my room. Mommy was crying.”

  My heart thumps. Why would they have to carry him?

  “KJ, honey, this is important, can you go to your mommy and tell her I’m on the phone?”

  “Okay.” He jumps up from the floor and I see the interior of Ah’dan’s house above his head as he moves through the halls. When he gets to the main living room, the unmistakable sound of grief reaches me. “Mommy, Auntie Ni Ni is on my band!”

  KJ’s loud voice breaks the quiet weeping, and the image shuffles as someone rushes over to him. The camera scans the room. I see Quth and Mahdi huddled closed together. It stops on Shay, who is folded over, holding her stomach. Her face is a mask of pain that I’ve never seen from her. I can only wonder what is going on until KJ’s arm stops moving. Someone is holding his hand as they walk him from the room, and the angle of his wrist shows the full scene behind him.

  Everyone is dressed in white. The room is full of flowers and the soft sound of music floats up through my comm. But that is not what I’m looking at. My eyes are fixed on the dais set up in the middle of the gathering. It’s a small bed surrounded by pillows that cushion the body of the person lying in the middle of it. The person is Ah’dan, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he looked dead.

  “Niya.”

  I lift my head from the toilet where I barely made it before my stomach relieved itself of all the food we’d eaten for lunch on Lyqa. It seemed to go on forever, and every time I think I’m done, my stomach jerks. My mind flashes with the image of Ah’dan’s still face, and my stomach lurches again.

  “Niya, are you okay?”

  I spit and look at the projection fanning up from my wrist. Tiani watches me with concern. It’s clear she’s been crying. Her eyes are swollen and her nose is red and puffy. My heart beats a furious rhythm in my chest as I try to explain away what I’ve seen.

  “What’s going on?”

  She tries to smile, but her face crumples, and she covers it with a hand. Her cries are like fists to my belly, and I lower my face back over the bowl and heave.

  “I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but he asked us not to. It’s so fucked up, but they can't help it. There was nothing to do.”

  I fall to my butt beside the tub and pull a wad of tissue to wipe my mouth. My gaze is fixed on her. Everything has gone quiet. It’s like I’m in a bubble.

  “To do about what? Why did Ah’dan look like that?”

  Tee is only just managing to keep her composure. She takes another deep breath.

  “He’s d-y-i-n-g,” she spells out, and it takes me a moment to realize why. KJ is still there, but I can't worry about that because she’s just told me that the love of my life is on his deathbed.

  “What do you mean?”
<
br />   She shakes her head. “It’s complicated. It has to do with the leht. I’ll explain everything to you later, I promise. We’ll all talk to you. We just didn’t want you to be confused.”

  What she’s saying finally registers, and I think about the note he left on the canvas. It wasn’t just a goodbye. It was a final message. He knew something was wrong, and he didn’t tell me. Suddenly, all of the anxiety I’m feeling flees, and annoyance flares through me.

  “Can I hire someone to come get me with this thing?”

  Tiani’s face shifts to sympathy. “Niya—”

  “Can I hire someone to come get me with this thing?”

  She nods. “I’m sure you can.”

  “Is he still alive?”

  She nods again, and I’m filled with relief before her expression turns urgent.

  “If you’re coming, come now.”

  The hired pod arrived like a beacon of light, ascending down from the sky into the backyard. I’d boarded after scanning my band, and a moment later, I was back on Lyqa. It takes longer to get to their house, and when I stumble from the pod, not bothering to wait for the driver to help me from the elevated craft, I make my way up the tall steps with clumsy, hurried movements.

  I push the door open and rush inside, going to the right and running until I get to the living room. I can hear them before I step through the entry, and when I do, every head turns to me.

  Tiani looks relieved. Shay, who appears somewhat in shock, bursts into tears, only to be swept up by Sol and carried to a corner of the room where he cradles her on his lap and makes soothing noises. Amina smiles, but it’s anguished. I take all of this in quickly before I let my eyes settle on the form laying in the middle of the room.

  He still doesn’t have a shirt on. He’s clad in a pair of thin white pants. His bare feet rest in a V, and his arms lay at his sides. He’s still here. I see right away that his chest rises and falls in barely visible movement, but it’s there. There’s still time.

  I walk to the pallet and as I pass his mother, she reaches up and takes my hand, giving it a squeeze.

  “I’m glad you are here. You should be here.”

  “I should,” I respond without taking my eyes off of Ah’dan. I’m too scared that if I look away for a second, that will be it, and I’ll miss my chance.

  I don't know what Lyqa custom is, but I don't care. I kneel onto the raised pallet and lower until I’m laying along the side of his body. He’s hot, like he’s running a fever. The moment I settle against him, his breathing quickens, and he flinches.

  “Shh, don't be mad.” I whisper as I smooth a hand over his chest. He settles, his breath going shallow again.

  “You should have told me," I scold softly. "I said I wanted to spend every minute with you, every single one, not just the good ones.”

  The sobs increase around me, and for a moment, I feel like I know what it’s like to be Lyqa. I can feel the grief. I can smell it. It’s salty, and the room is thick with it, but it’s also thick with love. I snuggle closer to Ah’dan’s burning body, wrapping my leg over his waist and squeezing tight.

  “It’s okay, baby. I’m here. I love you and I’m here." My middle tightens as I wait for what I can feel coming. My ear is on his chest, and I can hear the long delays between his heart beats. Each one feels like it could be the last, and I hold my breath as the pauses get longer and longer. I grip his hand, entwining our fingers. Our rings clink together, and I remember the promise we made to one another and press closer. I press as close as I can. I press until it hurts.

  Thump.

  Thump.

  Thump.

  Thump.

  Thump.

  It stops. I wait, thinking I’ll hear just one more, but I don't. Everything goes quiet, and I think that my heart must have stopped beating, too, because I don't hear anything. Beneath my ear it’s still, and when I keep waiting and nothing happens, I know that he’s gone.

  AH'DAN

  DEATH IS NOT what I imagined.

  It is a whirlwind of color and sound. It is heat and smell and echoes of the life I have left behind.

  It is the moment I first saw Niya, beautiful and fierce. It is the first time I felt her warmth close over me as we joined. It is the moment she lay next to me as I died.

  I wanted so bad to open my eyes. I wanted so much to tell her that while she should not have come, I am glad that she did. She made it worthwhile, this journey into the unknown. In those last moments, my senses had come back, vibrant and clean.

  She had smelled of love and sorrow and something else, a newness I had never known before. It had warmed me in a way that was different than the fever of my body shutting down. This warmth had been a shimmering light coursing through my body, and then there was nothing, but not nothing. There is sound, and color and echo. Beneath it all, at the core of this vibrant darkness is a beat. It starts softly and grows until it surrounds me from all sides, breaking apart the color and disrupting the echoes. It creates a stream that I fall into, riding the wave as it carries me higher and higher toward a bright beam of light. It vibrates through my vaporous form, and I start to take shape again, forming fingers and toes, arms and legs. I ride higher into the light as more of me becomes—something.

  “You must leave him, now, dahnai.”

  My father’s voice pierces the darkness. It is gentle and kind, but sorrow carries with it, and it is a vibrant blue. The beat gets louder and heavier. It becomes sound and motions, a halting jerk that yanks at my body.

  “Not yet.”

  Niya. She sounds so sad, but the comfort that comes with her voice lifts me even more. The light is near. It is blinding and cool. It tempers the heat that carried me from my life, and I bask in it even as the deafening beat is so loud that it is all I can hear. As the light overtakes me, pushing back the dark and sorrowful blue and encompassing heat, the beat is joined by another—this one softer and perfectly in sync.

  CHAPTER 10

  NIYA

  “Dahnai, you must leave him now.”

  “I know.” I do, but I continue to press myself close to Ah’dan’s lifeless body. I touch every bit of him that I can, and I push my ear closer to the rapidly cooling flesh. I know he’s gone, but if I concentrate hard enough, I imagine that I can just hear the thump of something in his chest. Even as I think it, I know that it’s my own heart that I hear. He’s gone.

  “I love you,” I whisper and press a kiss over his heart. I lift my head to move away, but I’m stopped. I try to move again, but I can’t, and I realize why. Ah’dan’s hand is locked in mine. I freeze, thinking it’s some kind of rigor mortis, but then someone speaks, and it’s a sound I never thought to hear again.

  “I fear that you must stay close. My heart is not the only thing that has come alive.”

  I scream, much louder than I have to, but it's not just me—Amina screams, LaShay screams, Tiani screams, and his mother screams. Everyone jumps backs, and I would, too, but I can't because Ah’dan is still holding on to me. My heart sounds like double drums in my chest, and I start to feel woozy, like I'm going to black out. Slowly, I tilt my head, waiting until the last moment to raise my eyes.

  He's smiling. The yellow of his gaze is affectionate and floats over my face like he hasn't seen me in forever. I hold still, too scared to speak.

  "Were you trying to run from me?" The corner of his mouth turns up, and I can't get a grasp on what's going on.

  "I would never run from you," I manage to croak out as I stare at him in shock.

  His head dips in an approving nod. "Good. I would catch you anyway."

  When I continue to stare, he squeezes our joined hands.

  "Do not be afraid. It is me. I am here. You kept me here." He sits up, bringing me with him, and I turn to find everyone in the room staring at us with expression that I am sure match mine.

  "Dahni?" Mahdi is the first to snap out of her stupor. She takes a hesitant step forward before launching herself at him, grabbing him to her chest a
nd weeping over his head. "How?"

  I have no choice but to wait as she hugs and kisses him. He hasn't let me go. Even when his mother begins to run her hands over his face and chest like she's trying to make sure he's real, that he's really himself, I stay pressed against his side. When she leans her head down and fits her ear over his heart, I wait. And when her eyes light with disbelief and then an anguished kind of relief, I watch in silence. Finally satisfied, she steps back, her hand covering her mouth.

  "How?" She asks again.

  Ah'dan rambles off a stream of Lyqa, and all eyes in the room fly to me. Ah'dan also looks down at me.

  "I should not be surprised that you are this important when you are the brightest light of my life." As he says this, he watches me with something of wonder.

  At once, everyone rushes forward, each one wanting to assure themselves of the reality of Ah'dan's sudden resurrection. He's forced to release me, and I slide from the dais to take a place to the side.

  Shay can't stop crying. She crawls onto his lap and hugs him around the neck, sobbing and cursing him out for scaring her so bad. He kisses her wet cheeks and soothingly rubs over her back until she manages to contain herself. Amina and Tee are next. They grab him together, kissing him and accept his kisses. He hugs his father in a long, fierce embrace, and when his brothers step up, the calm of his face falters, and they wrap their arms around each other and cry. It's a beautiful moment to witness, and I find myself wiping tears from my eyes.

  When everyone has been reunited, the room falls quiet again.

  "I would like a moment alone with Niya."

  Without a word, they leave, and with them the gravity of the earlier moments recedes, and there is nothing left but the vibrant—living—body of Ah'dan.