The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7)

by Ichabod Temperance

  “Uh, you was gonna fill us in on this here fort’s defenses, sir...”

  “Hai!”

  “Hi!”

  “The extensive fortress wall rises straight up from its rocky foundations as if it had been grown there. Both ends of the wall are bounded by sheer, unassailable cliffs, rising up from a raging sea. The land access is covered by dozens of heavy rifle gauge Gattling guns, many repeating cannons, and hordes of robot murder-machines. This human monster, Doctor Lionelstein, can allow the defenses to operate either autonomously or under his own personal control through electro and mechanical means.”

  “If I may be so bold as to prompt you, Mr. Trevorgawa, but did you mention something about being on a rescue mission of some kind, eh hem?”

  “Hai, Persephone, Doctor Lionelstein’s adopted sister is being held there against her will! She and I are madly in love! I must rescue her! She is but a tiny, ephemeral flower petal floating through streams of brutish mistreatment. Her fragile form shall surely crumple in the toxic proximity of Doctor Atwell Lionelstein! Her little upturned nose should not be made to suffer his noxious odours! Her innocent eyes must not witness the terrors that he has given life. Her delicate fingers should not be made to cook his food. Her teeny-weeny, tiny, little, feet should not be made to walk on his soaking clothes to wash his filthy laundry. I must free my beautiful Rhianico!”

  “RRRRAWR!!! There is no rescuing anyone from that deathtrap! Even I, the Great Gumibara could not force my way into that impregnable fortress. It is impossible! RRRRAWR!!!”

  “No, not impossible! It must be done! True, we alone cannot do it, but with the right help, I think we can defeat the Doctor and gain a great victory! Hai!”

  “Hi! What’d you have in mind, Mr. Trevorgawa-San?”

  “We must enlist the help of the other super-monsters on this island. I gained information about one that lives on top of the central mountain range. This one has not been seen in several years and is thought to have not survived the ‘Excoriation Process.’ The poor creature fled to the in-accessible heights of those savage mountains, presumably to die. There is a super-monster that I think can be approached to help us in this campaign. We need the help of the one born of the sea.”

  “RRRRAWR!!! Don’t make me laugh! Hardy har, har! That ridiculous excuse of a super-monster could never accomplish as much as I, Gumibara! RRRRAWR!!!”

  “Do not underestimate that super-monster, Gumibara! Remember, you have never actually bested him yourself in combat! You always fight to a draw! Separately, you two are unable to beat the Doctor, but together, you shall share in a glorious triumph! Hai!”

  “No, he is too hard headed, Jubei. His skull is as thick as his exoskeleton. He won’t listen to me, you, or anybody else!”

  “He is just as keen to have Monstrous Island free from this contamination as you are, Gumibara! If it means having a chance at defeating the evil Doctor Lionelstein, then we must try! Hai!”

  “Oh bother. Very well, if the outcome of this temporary partnership means evicting Doctor Lionelstein from our beloved Monstrous Island, then I shall do it! RRRRAWR!!!”

  Chapter Six:

  Icky vs. the Thing from Beneath the Sea

  Oh, Monstrous Island, how I relish your many culinary offerings! The endless and varied plant life are a never-ending buffet! The lush leaves of your sweltering jungles are always delicious.

  Ahh, yes. A quick dip in the large, extended basin of my coral lagoon is the perfect way to start the day off right! The cool turquoise water is so inviting!

  “Ha, ha!”

  I always make a big splash when I jump in the water from the diving platform! The temperature is perfect! A few high speed circuits of my giant, personal pool and I can easily catch plenty of fish to eat for breakfast!

  Hey, there’s a big fishie! Why, you’re a Great White Shark! A big one, too! Swim, swim, swim, as fast as you can Mr. Shark-dude, you can’t escape me!

  -gobble, gobble, gobble-

  “You were delicious! Yum! Ha, ha!”

  I am not sure if I am properly ballasted. I think I’ll climb up out of the pool and go relax on the springs.

  Mmm! Oh yes! That updraft is delicious! These natural, methane gas springs are absolutely decadent! Ah, I could just lie here all day and let my sub-shell gaseous conversion and compression absorbing membranes soak in the intoxicating vapors.

  Ahh, this is the life, a two ton shark for breakfast and a bit of methane gas aroma therapy to clear my mind for the day...

  What was that? I could have sworn I heard someone call my name! I did, because there it goes again! It’s that sweetener-addled, saccharine-brained, Gumibara again! All right, sugar britches, if you want me to come out and humiliate you once more, you only have to ask once.

  My membranes were very nearly full anyway. This super-monster clown, Gumibara, has selected the worst time to come around and pick a fight! It’s about time I took this loudmouth out! Oh yeah, let’s get it on!

  All right, let’s just take this nice and easy. Instigating a light fuel feed to my rear flippers, immediately followed with a sparked, ... ignition! Check! Both rear feet are visually confirmed to be alight! Instigating a light fuel feed to my forward flippers, immediately followed with a sparked, … ignition! Check! My front feet are alight and holding a steady flame! Okay, okay, I’m calm. I have my breathing under control. I have my balance. Increasing fuel feed on all limbs. I’m up! So far so good, the hover is holding. A little more feed gets me up high enough that I can see over my ornamental, yet functionally protective barrier wall so that I may witness my tubby and gooey interloper.

  There he is! Hah, hah, hah! He has three, tiny, little humans with him; as if they will help him to face me! Hah! I shall destroy Gumibara, and eat his human friends for brunch!

  ---

  “Gee, Mr. Gumibara sir, maybe your friend doesn’t want to come out and see us?”

  “RRRRAWR!!! Nonsense! When Gumibara comes knocking, you had better open the door. Protect your frail, puny, human ears as I call out the inferior monsters name once again. If he does not respond, I break in and drag him out!”

  “I say, thank you so much for the warning Mr. Gumibara. If I may add, though, before you exert yourself unnecessarily, I do detect an unusual sound, seemingly in response to the repeated calling of your island companion’s name.”

  “I hear it too, Miss Plumtartt. It reminds me of that time you and I visited an active blast furnace. Remember how those big steam engines would send a roaring wind in a screaming howl of destructive power?”

  “Yes, Mr. Temperance, I do think you have quite nailed the quality of the aural assault. If I am not very much mistaken, the source of the maelstrom is rising above that hillside.”

  “Hot Chocolate Sundaes in July, look at that, Miss Plumtartt! It’s a giant sea turtle! When I say giant, I mean, it is really gigantic! That tortoise must be fifty feet across!”

  “It is not the creature’s size that is so impressive, Mr. Temperance, as the creature’s uncanny ability and method of flight! Am I mistaken, or does that reptile maintain altitude by means of firing rocket jets of flame from the center of its four, flippered, feet?”

  “Yes Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, that monster has made a vertical take-off and is now hovering in place. That is a wondrous sight to see something in flight like that. Verily, as it stalls, I don’t think I have ever seen anything hairier.”

  “RRRRAWR!!! I want to speak to you, fly-boy! You have been summoned by the Great Gumibara! Kneel before me, knave! RRRRAWR!!!”

  “You must be insane, Gumibara. All that candy has gone to your head! I kneel to no man, and to no beast! I am the greatest super-monster of all time! I am, . . . TiTaupKamaro! GRONK!!!

  “Please Mr. TiTaupKamaro, sir, we need your help...”

  “RRRRAWR!!! Be quiet, Icky, I have changed my mind! I no longer see any need in suffering this inferior super-monster to join our sacred quest! Go away, TiTaupKamaro, and come along, puny hu
mans, I knew this was a bad idea all along. We’ll find another way to defeat the evil Professor Lionelstein.”

  “GRONK!!! Not so fast, Gumibara! I shall teach you a lesson in manners, first! Now is the time in which I totally beat you once and for all! Not only that, but I shall enjoy devouring your mercenary human army as well! It’s munchie time, baby, oh yeah! GRONK!!!”

  “We better get out of the way, y’all, this tremendous turtle and towering teddy are fixin’ to tussle in a titanic throw-down!”

  “Quite so, Mr. Temperance. Gumibara is pointedly marching back and forth in a challenging little dance as he gets a sugar rush roiling within himself. I say, Gumibara is actually glowing with a low, menacing, light that simmers with a burning malice. This does not bode well for TiTaupKamaro.”

  ~stomp, stomp, stomp.~

  ~skippity~hoppity~stomp!~

  ~stomp, stomp, stomp.~

  ~skippity~hoppity~stomp!~

  “Though your meat”

  “is not sweet,”

  “Your defeat”

  “makes it a treat.”

  “I’ll force you to sniff”

  “my stinky feet’”

  “Then I’ll dine”

  “upon you and eat.”

  “Your death is mine,”

  “no way to cheat,”

  “My sticky paws on you,”

  “repeatedly beat!”

  “Oh my goodness, Mr. Trevorgawa-San and Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, I think these boys are seriously about to do grievous bodily harm to one another! TiTaupKamaro is now responding with his own ursine and gravity defying dance with dissonant song accompaniment.”

  “Your demise is now,”

  “There is no parley.”

  “I’ll make sure your death”

  “is extremely gnarly.”

  “A painful death,”

  “for you and your pals,”

  “My bitchin’ powers are”

  “Solid Radi-cal!”

  “RRRRAWR!!!”

  “GRONK!!!”

  Chapter Seven:

  Icky vs. the Thing from Before Time

  Solitude is both burden and blessing.

  None on this Earth are as alone as I.

  Tenfold is my suffering since ’The Transformation’.

  I cannot bear the lack of decorum and brutish vulgarity that my younger brethren are cursed with. T’is better to haunt these lofty, wind-blown, caves and precipices in the companionship of my own lonely thoughts, than to debase my solemn dignity with the presence of those super-monster buffoons.

  These barren cliffs are my only friends. My long and lonely existence has been difficult. None but I have the infinite wherewithal to suffer the flight through the interminable void of time. This temporal odyssey is mine alone to soar. Though nowadays, the many years seem to have just flown past beneath my leather wings in the blink of an eye.

  Hello, what’s this? A spark of light? Can it be? Yes! That pink glow can only mean that Royalty is once more on the island!

  “Don’t be sad,”

  “it’s time to be happy!”

  “We’re here to see”

  “our Big Daddy Pappy!”

  “We are here with you”

  “on top of the World!”

  “Your favourite way to gogo,”

  “IndiGoGo Girls!”

  “Your Highnesses! I am honoured by your presence! Please do not tire yourselves in constant toe-tapping and madly gesticulating arm movements! Please rest, your Majesties!”

  “Thank you, TuRuDan. Your great size is only surpassed by your exceptional grace, oh honoured, ’Ancient One’.”

  “Oh, tut tut, your Highnesses, I know how much you girls exert yourselves to generate the magical field around you.”

  “Ah, it is pleasant to relax. Do you mind if we remove our magic white gogo boots while we have our conversation? Our tiny little feet are killing us.”

  “Of course I do not mind, your Majesties. I beg you to please make yourselves comfortable.”

  “Domo arigato, TuRuDan-San. Please TuRuDan, surely you are the wisest creature in all the world, may we call upon you to give us advice? Nowhere is there more wisdom than in your long, gently curving, sharply pointed skull, oh ’Ancient One’.”

  “I am your humble servant, your Highnesses. How may I serve you?”

  “The island’s magic is warning of terrible danger! Our Monstrous Island’s Fairy Dust says that horrible things lie ahead for us! The evil Doctor Lionelstein is poised for one more detonation of his super-monster making explosive device. This will lead to the end of the World! Using the Fairy Dust, we asked the Monstrous Island Great Spirit what we could do to help. We were told to go and seek out a champion. This champion would unite all the monsters of Monstrous Island to put aside their differences and save Planet Earth! We did all the correct magic spells! We did the proper dance steps! We sang the appropriate songs to lead us to the one that could save us, but they instead led us to an ’Ichabod Temperance’!”

  “Ichsabod Temperansa-Kun, eh? You are right, he does not sound very formidable. What does he look like?”

  “A befuddled sea-bass, caught in a search-light.”

  “Hmm, perhaps he is a ferocious warrior, hmm?”

  “As far as we can tell, he is about as fierce as a stand of soggy seaweed.”

  “Perhaps he is of great intelligence, or wisdom?”

  “Our information is that he has talent with the crude constructs of ’Man’, though, it is difficult to tell by looking at him. His companion, Miss Persephone Plumtartt, struck us as being of a particularly keen intelligence, so we went ahead and kidnapped her, as well.”

  “Hmm, I see. You say the Fairy Dust picked this Temperansa, Ichsa-bod?”

  “Hai, oh great and wise TuRuDan. Surely your millions of years of existence have given you the wisdom to see us through this coming trial. What shall we do, mighty TuRuDan?”

  “We must trust in the Fairy Dust. Sometimes magic happens in mysterious ways, . . . ways that are often unforeseen.”

  “Oh, yes, TuRuDan, you are right! We must believe in the magic! Oh! TuRuDan, what is the matter? You have just flinched, as if suddenly startled.”

  “My super-monster hyper sensitized hearing has alerted me to trouble! Gumibara and TiTaupKamaro have engaged in battle! This is no time for those oafs to go to war! If those two kill each other, the Earth is doomed!”

  Chapter Eight:

  Icky vs. the Laws of Probability

  “RRRAWR!!! Your hardshell finish is finished, TiTaupKamaro! RRRRAWR!!!”

  “GRONK!!! No way, dude, like, it’s totally you that is going down, Gumibara! GRONK!!!”

  “They’re really gonna do it, Mr. Trevorgawa-San, sir, and Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! These two super-monsters are more interested in fighting each other than in beating Doctor Lionelstein!”

  “Hai! You are correct, Ichsa-bod. Just as the fiery, flipper rockets’ thrust holds the immense monster tortoise aloft, my prediction is that this is but a prelude to demonstration of another dimension of this unbelievable creature’s power. Look at how the mighty TiTaupKamaro draws in a great breath of air, presumably to blast back at us in a huge fireball of infernal death. We are about to be roasted alive. Sayonara, my new friends, it looks like this is the end.”

  ~FSS-SKUUUUUH!!!~

  “I say, not quite, my Asian amigo, for TiTaupKamaro‘s fiery breath did not quite make it to us, eh hem? The behemoth sized bloom of flame that TiTaupKamaro produced hangs suspended in air as the turtle himself, shoots away! The angry, high-octane outburst is actually propelling him away from us! As he is flying backwards, he does not appear to know where his destination or target may lie. Awkward jerks and frantic changes in direction are further evidence that the errant reptile lacks the enjoyment of controlling of his flightpath. The amphibiavian is unable to pilot himself as well as he might prefer, eh hem?”

  “RRRRAWR!!! Come back and fight this bear like a man, you big chicken, turtle!
Hah! You missed me! Nice try at ramming into me but you can’t see where you’re flying! Hah! You missed me again! Where’d you get your pilot’s license, a box of Cracker Smacks? Hah! You missed again, Captain Reverse-alot! Try holding your breath to force the flames out the other end, Rear Admiral Rear-View! You should really try something new, Brigadier Backup...Ooof!”

  “Miss Plumtartt! TiTaupKamaro backed into Gumibara at full tilt! All of his turtle thrusters was a thrustering for all they was worth, and now the two are rolling across the landscape in a tumbling tangle of tormented, tussling, tonnage!”

  “Hai! The tremendous keijo are a destructive, bouncing ball, smashing the jungles of Monstrous Island to squashed coconut matting.”

  “RRRRAWR!!! I have you now, TiTaupKamaro, for though you did ram into me with tremendous velocity, I can now stick to you with unsurpassed, super-adhesive stickiness! Ha, ha! RRRRAWR!!!”

  “GRONK!!! Curse you Gumibara! Get your filthy paws off of me! Your sticky touch makes my shell crawl! GRONK!!! You jerk! You extinguished my rocket jets on purpose! That is like, so unfair, brah!”

  “Admit it, TiTaupKamaro! Say that I am the greatest super-monster of all time! Say it or I will never let you go!”

  “Never! GRONK!!!”

  “I say, Mr. Temperance, the monsters are at a stand-off. Look there, Jubei, Gumibara has managed to extinguish TiTaupKamaro’s rocket jets by smothering them in his gooey clutches. The bear is refusing to allow the tortoise to regain his feet, and is determined to keep his adversary on his self-entrapping back. Yes, quite, in fact...Oh! Oh my, did anyone else notice a large shadow move swiftly over the combatants?”