The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7)

by Ichabod Temperance

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am I saw it too! A big ol’ shadow rushed past, as if a really big bird just flew over. That couldn’t be, though. It was too big to be a bird, but it was too fast to be a cloud.”

  “Hai, there it goes again! I think there is a large, air-bourne creature that is deliberately attempting to gain the attention of the keijo!”

  “Hunh! What was that? Did you see that, Gumibara? A big shadow just went over us!”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! You are just trying to scare me, TiTaupKamaro! I’m not falling for that old trick. You are trying to fool me into thinking ’The Ancient One’, is here!”

  “Hey there, Mr. Gumibara-San, but we three independent witnesses can verify that something very big is swooping around way up high above us. The birdie is wise to us I think, because he is staying in line with the Sun so that we cannot get a good look at him. Is it dangerous?”

  “Oh, Ichabod, I am so sorry! I have told a fib! I am not the greatest super-monster on the island! ’The Ancient One’ is a terrible and fearsome beast, capable of destroying us all! He would not let himself be known without good reason! He is here and I think he is mad!”

  “Stupid Gumibara! Look at what you have done! You have awoken and angered the great, inimitable, TuRuDan!”

  “Gentlemen, there it is! A massive bird of prey circles above.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, that there birdie is bigger than any Christmas goose! It’s bigger than those Valentine Island Albatrosses and bigger than a Chilean Andes King Condor, too.”

  “Indeed, Mr. Temperance, one might even say that the bird is greater than the famous Belgian aviary of Brussels. By Jove, it’s the largest bird I have ever seen or heard of! I am now able to register a relative amount of scale. I put our ornithological wonder’s incredible wingspan at a little over two hundred feet. Do you concur with my rough estimation of the creature’s size, Mr. Temperance?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, only I am going to say that the wingspan of that buzzard might be closer to three hundred feet. I’ll say this, though, it does have one feature that it shares with that Christmas goose. It’s just as featherless.”

  “Hai, and does your festive holiday meal bird have that distinctive, backwards extending point to its head, Mr. Temperansa-San?”

  “Nossir, Mr. Trevorgawa-San, it sure don’t. I can’t honestly say that it shares that same pointy beak, neither. Yeppers, that big ol’ birdie up there has the most unfortunately shaped skull I ever did see. It’s long, thin, slightly concave, and very pointy on either end. Almost universally, birds have solid black eyes of cold, unrelenting brutality. To see those enormous obsidian spheres contemplating me with hungry intent sends an icy talon of fear to clutch my heart in a nameless sense of dread, y’all.”

  “Our ornithologic object of observation is otherwise almost all wing, it would seem, yes? These wings, I could remark, are most bat-like to be sure. They have a distinct, leathery appearance, would you not agree, Jubei, eh hem?”

  “Hai, Persephone, the monster has a strange, reptilian look to it. I could almost call it a flying lizard.”

  “Quite so, Mr. Trevorgawa, that’s it! This creature is from a time long before the history recording effort of Man. The young people these days enjoy referring to this period as ‘prehistoric’. This creature became extinct, many millions of years ago. This is a living example of a ‘Thunder-Lizard’.”

  “Thunder-Lizard,’ Miss Plumtartt? Oh, you mean a dinosaur! You’re right, Ma’am! At one time, thousands and thousands of these magnificent creatures once ruled the skies over this planet. It’s like a real life flying dragon, ain’t it? What’s it called? No, wait, don’t tell me. A ‘Terrortextile’? No, that ain’t it. A ‘Terrier-rat-smile’? No? Oh, I know, it’s a ‘Trim-itin-backstyle’!”

  “A ‘Pterodactyl’, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Puhterodactyl.”

  “No, Mr. Temperance, the ‘P’ is silent.”

  “Then why is it there?”

  “The world may never know. Be that as it may, this flying predator is many times larger than any known example of the prehistoric paradox. What an unusual find on this mysterious island.”

  “Hai, Persephone. The beast is circling its way closer to us.”

  “EEEERNK!!! Stop this ridiculous display, Gumibara and TiTaupKamaro! This tawdry me’lee is unbecoming for beings such as we.”

  “Unh! It’s not my fault, oh great and venerated inestimable one! That fat and foolish turtle TiTaupKamaro started it!”

  “Who are you to call me fat, Tubby!? No, TuRuDan, it was Gumibara that started this fight! I was just minding my own business when he came around starting trouble.”

  “I am trying to save this island from evil invaders you stupid super-monster!”

  “Gumibara, I command you to release TiTaupKamaro from your ever-tenacious grip. I have come to call you two to action! The evil invader of our island, Doctor Lionelstein, has carried his experiments too far. The time has come to put an end to his wrongful deeds.”

  “Oh mighty TuRuDan, we have all tried in the past to drive this pseudo monster from our beloved isle, but his weaponry has proven too strong, even for our incredible prowess.”

  “We have all tried individually, true, but never in a united front. We also have the additional forces of these three humans that are with Gumibara. Tell me, puny humans, can you be of any help in this quest to drive a foul spirit from our beloved island?”

  “Hai, oh mighty TuRuDan! My name is Jubei Trevorgawa. This is Ichsa-bod Temperansa and Miss Persephone Plumtartt. Surely we are here to help free this island, but there is another concern! My own lovely Rhianico is held prisoner in that horrid place of Doctor Lionelstein! I must make every effort to save her!”

  “No doubt that fiend Lionelstein has some nefarious plot in mind for your sweetheart.”

  “I say, how very nice to make your acquaintance, Mr. TuRuDan, my colleagues and I do indeed wish to offer our every assistance in this worthwhile quest. I think we may be of more help if we had just a tad more background on yourself and your incredible Monstrous Island companions.”

  “Of course, Persephone. Please understand that some of my tale is only conjecture. I was born on this island. A pair of magic princesses raised me from a tiny dinosaur. They said that the egg I was hatched from had been brought here by mystic shamans for safe keeping. I was the last of my kind. The magic aura surrounding this island has kept me alive over the ages. Eight years ago, I was affected by the passing of the Revelatory Comet. So too were an island Koala and a sea turtle. Our elevated intelligence was the bond of our friendship. One day, a dark ship found our hidden isle. An evil scientist, Doctor Autwell Lionelstein and his assistant, Laurie Petier, have a diabolical method of tapping into this island’s natural magical resources! My friends and I tried to reason with him, but with his horribly advanced machines, weaponry, and cunning treachery, he was able to take us prisoner. He has irrational schemes of ruling the World! He wants to build an army of super-monsters to do his bidding. To further this goal, he has built a bomb of unimaginable potency. The detonation of this explosive has a strange effect, in that it releases a heavy wave of hyper-active atomic particles radiating in a dangerous curtain. The evil Professor Lionelstein subjugated each of us to his will before one by one, exposing us to his terrible ’Excoriation Process’. Before you stands the result of those trials. Magnificent Gumibara, standing eighty feet tall and weighing in at a very respectable fifty tons, his slow Koala movements are now as fast as a normal person! His super tacky adhesiveness is inescapable!”

  “Then we have the amazing TiTaupKamaro. He is grown to over fifty feet across his wide shell! Nozzles to project his methane gas membranes’ compressed holdings exit his four feet, and when ignited, grant him the ability of high-speed flight! Even if it is a trifle erratic and always backwards.”

  “Oh, but TuRuDan, you did not elaborate on your own stunning transformation! You were
already a magnificent beast, but the excoriation process expanded your generous size to truly gigantic proportions! Your wingspan is almost a hundred yards in length! You fly with fantastic speed and grace, and your long beak strikes fear in anyone that sees it, but nothing can stand before the supersonic aural assault of your super-screetch!”

  “Y’all sure are an impressive array of super-monsters! How in the world is that bad Doctor Lionelstein able to keep you at bay, Mr. TuRuDan, sir?”

  “Initially, it was a psychological hold on us, but in time, we developed our egos to outstrip his mind control. He has mechanical parts grafted to his human body that grant him super-human capabilities! He has an army of clockwork automatons that have built his fortress and operate his armaments.”

  “The fortress that I, the Magnificent GumiBara, I mean, we, assaulted this morning was far larger and more formidable than I had been expecting! It is covered over by heavy armaments of inexplicable design. Some of the weapons are controlled by his inhuman army, but others, in some strange manner, he, Doctor Lionelstein is able to manipulate himself via inexplicable mechanical inter-workings.”

  “Hai, the labours of his automatons never cease in their construction of that mighty fortress. Higher and higher, layer after layer, battlement upon battlement, this diabolical doctor has secured himself in a laboratory of supreme isolation. On the inland wall, the only access is an iron gate, reached by a narrow precipice. A Komodo Dragon infested moat separates this peninsula from the rest of the island. Several miles past this barrier on the jungle and tumbled boulder strewn peninsula is where Doctor Lionel conducts his experiments.”

  “Miss Plumtartt and I were brought here because the manifestation of this island’s magical force appeared to us in the form of the tiny IndiGoGo Girls. Their magic fairy dust indicated that I and Miss Plumtartt were the right folks to bring along to make things right. I’ve got a hunch that Doctor Lionelstein is planning on another ’Excoriation Process’ detonation experiment and that it is our job to thwart him. Mr. Trevorgawa has even more incentive than any of us! His one true love has the bad luck of being Doctor Lionelstein’s younger, adopted sister! He forces her to be his slave! This handsome, noble, and courageous young super-samurai secret agent wants to get in there and put a stop to things more than anybody!”

  “I was the first to suffer the process. I have seen it conducted on two successive occasions. The first detonation was on land, for Gumibara, and the second, at sea, for TiTaupKamaro. My reconnaissance shows that he is preparing for a surface detonation for the next subject.”

  “But he is out of test subjects, TuRuDan. He is alone up there with his assistant and sister!”

  “Great Scott, you don’t think the cad could sink so low as to conduct the experiment upon his own sister, do you?”

  “Hai, Persephone, I do think that such a reprehensible act is not beneath this terrible man.”

  “Come together my comrades, the time has come for Monstrous Island to banish this fiend from her magical shores. Let us form our plan of liberation.”

  Chapter Nine:

  Icky vs. the Dangerous Experiment

  “Is Rhianico, er, that is, I mean, is the subject prepared, Laurie?”

  “Ehnn-yes, Herr Dauktor! Your sister, oops! I mean, the nameless test subject is securely strapped into place on the North shore. The Excoriation device is in perfect alignment to bring utmost muta-trans-bio-atomical disarrangement. I have a nice picnic lunch prepared to enjoy while we watch the process from behind the shielded, protective, blast wall.”

  “Excellent, Laurie, I shall just set my automatronic mercenary army on highest alert, just in cast that stupid ToeKey-Oh kid, Jubei-bei face comes snooping around again. I shall order my man-made men to kill Juby-doobie, his ditzy couple friends, and Gumibara on sight!”

  “Ehnn-yes, Herr Dauktor! Hunh? Dauktor, listen! I hear a rhythmic thumping coming from the front of the castle!”

  buh-dubbity-thump, buh-dubbity-thump

  buh-dubbity-dubbity,

  thump. thump-thump

  buh-dubbity-thump, buh-dubbity-thump

  buh-dubbity-dubbity,

  thump. thump-thump

  “We know you’re here,”

  “Your intentions are clear.”

  “An Excoriation Detonation,”

  “Is what we fear.”

  “Bah, be quiet, Gumibara, you are a stupid, and foolish super-monster! Go away before I destroy you forever!”

  “Skippity-hoppity-bop!”

  “Jiggle-jiggle-jiggle!”

  “Hoppity-skippity-bop!”

  “Wiggle-wiggle-wiggle!”

  “Boppity-hoppity-skip!”

  “Giggle-giggle-giggle!”

  “Hey Doctor Lionel!”

  “Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.”

  “On you, I’m gonna tell.”

  “Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle!”

  “Somebody ring a bell”

  “Giggle, giggle, giggle!

  “The Doc’s going straight to gel!”

  “Bah, that’s bold talk for a translucent loser like you, Gumibara. I shall never see the inside of your jails! All weapon batteries, stand by! Are you ready, my hydro cannon? Good! How about my electro-caster blasters? Excellent! Are my torpedo launchers prepared for battle? . . . I said, are my torpedo launchers ready?”

  “Nnnn-no, Dauktor, that is, the launchers are prepared, but we have not actually finished building our ingenious land torpedos yet.”

  “Well, what’s the hold-up?”

  “It seems the torpedos require the medium of water to hold them up, Dauktor. The process, alas, does not always work as well on dry land.”

  “Bah, I do not need torpedos to defeat that silly bear! Fire on that menace with all available armaments!”

  ~Tat!~Tat!~Tat!~Tat!~Tat!~Tat!~

  “Dauktor, that treacherous bear has deployed a large shield to protect himself!”

  “That’s no shield, that’s TiTaupKamaro! Impossible! Those two have joined forces against me? Now I’m really mad! I shall destroy them! The only thing stopping me is that impenetrable shield that TiTaupKamaro walks around in! No matter! Nothing can withstand the barrage that pours down upon it! Those two shall both soon perish!”

  “EEEEEEEERNK!!!”

  * P*O*P ! *

  “Ach! Mein ears! Dauktor Lionelstein, what has happened? All of the automated defenses have shut down!”

  “Laurie, don’t you realize? That was an E.M.P. detonation! Someone has released an Electro-Misconstrudelation Pulsation! All of our electro-controlled weapon systems are incapacitated! Only one being is capable of a full charged EMP blast such as that!”

  “EEEERNK! Stand down and call off your ‘Excoriation Process’ detonation Doctor Lionelstein! You are defeated and Monstrous Island is free once more.”

  “TuRuDan, I thought you were dead! You have not been seen in years! You prehistoric fossil, why don’t you mind your own business! You are a throw-back to a time and land forgotten! I am the present and the future! I will not let you stand in my way! You may have disabled my autoclockatons, but your super-screetch had no effect on my internal, neural intero-connected servo-system! My accouterments are immune to your E.M.P. screetch! Ha, ha, you bird-brain, I see you with my, … Evil Eye!”

  whuh-brr-bzzzzzck!!!

  “EERK! EERK! EERK! I am struck by that cursed beam! His eye has blinded my mind!”

  “EEEEEEEEEEEERK!”

  “Ha, ha! That’s it, TuRuDan, fly away you big chicken! That will show you who the real master of Monstrous Island is!”

  “Come on, TiTaupKamaro, now is our chance! Fire up all of your thrusters!”

  “But Gumibara, I am still tilted up on my edge; put me down first!”

  “No, I know what I’m doing! Fire up all your thrusters! Hurry, the auto-army is starting to come back to life!”

  “Okay, Gumibara, firing rear thrusters, now! Rear thrusters lit! Firing front thrusters, now! Front thrusters lit! Now what?”


  “Turn all of your thrusters hard to the left!”

  “What are you thinking of, Gumibara? Huh! No way, dude! That could never work!”

  “Do it, TiTaupKamaro! Good that’s it! I am holding you back! I am not going to let you go until you have enough thrust to knock down that iron gate!”

  “But why are you holding me sideways?”

  “I believe that the spinning edge of your shell is the best method of breaching that castle. Besides, it will be enjoyable to watch, as I anticipate that it will have the appearance of a holiday pinwheel, propelled by fireworks rockets. Come on, TiTaupKamaro! Rev it up higher, you prime mover, we’re going to crash this party!”

  “Gumibara!”

  “TitaupKamaro, I can’t hold you any longer! Get ready, because, here... you... GO!”

  “GRAW-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH-WAWNCK!”

  “They did it! Gumibara and TiTaupKamaro have knocked the castle’s gates right off their hinges! Hey, wait up, Mr. Trevorgawa! C’mon Miss Plumtartt, we gotta hurry to catch up!”

  “Ha, ha! These tinker-bot soldiers are but toys in my gigantic paws, ha, ha!”

  “GRONK!!! Ha, ha! Save a few mechanical monsters for me, Gumibara! I enjoy crushing the life out of their lifeless bodies also, ha, ha! GRONK!!!”

  “Come along, Mr. Temperance, I think we can safely leave the dispatch of these geared, cog-guards to our capable companions, yes, eh hem?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am. Let’s you and me go find Mr. Trevorgawa and help him out however we can.”

  “A capital plan, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Thanks, Miss Plumtartt, though in truth that plan entails lots of running up stairs and down lengthy hallways as we climb ever higher and deeper into this foreboding castle. Actually, it is kind of nice! It was only foreboding on the outside. The inside is very tasteful. The polished floors, reflecting warm, lamps glow, the occasional flickering torch and offset lighting brazier stands of expensive design grant an inviting ambiance to the wood tones and paper walls. Be careful, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, it looks like that floor up ahead is slipperier than goose poop on ice.”