The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7)
Page 7
“Yes, rather, so it is, Mr. Temperance, yet it is here that we at last find our quarry as you and I both slide and skid our way around this slick, marble floored corner to find ourselves in a lofty hall and witness to our friend Trevorgawa locked in combat with a middle-aged, bald gentleman wearing a thick monocle. No, it is more than a monocle, it is an affixed eyepiece. This, in combination with the mechanical arm augmentation lends me to believe that we are at last in the company of Doctor Atwell Lionelstein.”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am. Our friend Mr. Trevorgawa and Doctor Lionelstein are entangled tighter than two lovestruck octopuseseses on their Honeymoon. The secret agent and the Doc are trying to choke the life out of each other but are still managing to maintain a strained conversation.”
“Rrgh! Jubei Trevorgawa, you big snoop! You and those meddlesome monsters are really starting to hack me off! You troublesome, would be samurai! You have no claim on my sister. She belongs to me and I can do with her what I wish. You should just mind your own business and go back to playing secret agent. Your concepts of duty and honour are obsolete in this day and age. Certainly it is obvious that I am the Big Kahuna around here! Rhianico’s sisterly fealty to me is a far stronger claim upon the worthless girl than your silly words of love. Abandon your loyalty for Rhianico and to your country. Serve me, for I am about to rule the World!”
“Rrgh! No! Never! I shall defeat you, Doctor Lionelstein, and free my beautiful Rhianico! I could never serve one such as you!”
“Hey, Mr. Trevorgawa-San! Look out! Doctor Atwell Lionelstein’s hunchbacked assistant, Laurie Petier is sneaking up behind you to hit you with a knobby wooden club!”
~thud~
“Too late, Western couple that I do not recognize outside that you are apparently in league with the ToeKey-Oh kid.”
“Howdy, Doctor Lionelstein, sorry to barge in on you like this and all. My name is Ichabod Temperance, and this here beautiful gal with me is Miss Persephone Plumtartt. We got a pretty good idea that these here experimental trials you are conducting may not have our planet’s best interest at heart. Won’tcha please consider stopping all these dangerous monster making titanic explosions, hunh?”
“Nonsense, boy. Now then, Laurie, let us slay them both and get back to our experiment. Do you have a preference in which trespasser you kill?”
“Ja, ja, ja, Dauktor! Please allow me to butcher the little scrawny one!”
“Very well, Laurie. I suppose that leaves you to me, Miss Plumtartt.”
“I say, it’s just as well, for I know Mr. Temperance has not eaten yet, and I would not want him to dirty his hands.”
“You insolent wench! I shall teach you some manners!”
“Don’t you talk to Miss Plumtartt that way Doc-woah! Hey! Dang, this mean little assistant crazy scientist, Laurie Petier almost did me in with that knobby club of hers!”
“How dare you interfere with the greatness of our experiments! Stand still you squirming little bug! How can I dash in your skull if you keep jerking out of the way? Bah, I have the correct tool for the job. I shall exchange my trusty club for my even more trustworthy ‘Castle-Sweeper’.”
“Woo, whee, Miss Laurie Petier Ma’am, that there is a fine looking firearm! I like the way you have combined a quaint, old-fashioned style of matchlocked gun, and married it to a more modern, multiple round capabilitized device. The platform allows for a dozen, heavy charges to be easily rotated into firing position by means of a sliding mechanism, but it is the distinguished funnel that expands outward to its target that remains the hallmark feature of your repeating blunderbuss. I have one question, though, why not upgrade to cap integrated cartridge ammunition? Why do you still use that smouldering fuse method of firing the weapon? Heck, you still ain’t even got ’er lit yet.”
“Silence you blithering idiot! Ah, there, I have my ThunderBuss lit. Now then, stand still, I am trying to blast you!”
bloomph!!!
“Eee-yowtch! Dang, Laurie Petier, that shot completely disintegrated the great, large, ultra-heavy oak chair I was hiding behind!”
bloomph!!!
“Stand still, Temperance!”
bloomph!!!
“That heavy, over-turned table will provide no refuge for you, you malnourished scare-crow!”
bloomph!!! bloomph!!!
bloomph!!!
“You need to quit trying to blunderbuss me and tell us what you have done with innocent little Rhianico Miss Laurie Petier, Ma’am!”
bloomph!!! bloomph!!!
bloomph!!!
“The girl is prepared for transmutation! As soon as I slay you, I shall go out to the detonation station to instigate ignition on the ultimate engagement of our ’Excoriation Process’! Your rolling about behind that large, upturned, black iron witch’s kettle will be of no protection to you, you despicable little excuse of a man!”
bloomph!!! bloomph!!!
bloomph!!!
“Hah! That’s twelve shots you have fired at me, Laurie Petier! Now I have you at my mercy!”
“Not when I pop out this depleted cannister” ~click~ “and quickly reinsert a fresh, loaded cannister like this!” ~click~ “Now I have another twelve rounds to blast at you with! Ha, ha!”
bloomph!!!
“Dang, I didn’t figure on that! At least I have been able to keep you distracted long enough that you did not notice Mr. Trevorgawa regain consciousness and slip out to save sweet Rhianico.”
“Curse you, Imbecilabod Temperance! Dauktor, I am going to kill the ToeKey-Oh kid and see to it that the experiment goes forth as planned!”
“Go Laurie Petier, I will follow behind as soon as I finish with dispatching this troublesome Plumtartt woman.”
“Mr. Temperance, please leave the Doctor with me, and go thwart this awful experiment.”
“Yes, Ma’am!”
“Ah, now then, Doctor Atwell Lionelstein, I presume, eh hem? Yes, I have been aware of you and your undisguised lust for fame, power, and self-glory. Your soulless pursuits were recognized for being achieved by means that were clearly in dis-obeisance of international research treaty. After the ghastly deeds that you and Laurie Petier were found to have perpetrated in that Bavarian Burgdom, you disappeared and have successfully eluded international manhunt bulletins. I am hereby placing you under citizen’s arrest.”
“Bah, citizen? This island is not even known in the world. You are no citizen of Monstrous Island!”
“I am a citizen of the World’s community, Doctor. That is my authority.”
“I call that bold talk for a small English woman of delightful figure in an exterior corseted, bustled emerald dress. You are not even armed! I, on the other hand, am a tall, large, strongly built man with a fearsome, mechanical left arm! In my right hand I hold a large, electro-magma, blaster-ray pistol! Ha, ha!”
“Indeed, the pistol, with its glowing panels and flashing colours does appear to be a frightful weapon of fell power. I note also, sir, that we are in a castle, and though albeit, it is of a peculiar Nipponese style, it remains to have that ubiquitous trait that all fortress castles have, and that, of course, is the omnipresence of a veritable plethora of weapons hanging on the walls and in orderly armour stands such as this one that I swiftly move to relieve of its gentle curve, bladed pole-arm, battle-axe. Continuing my Nipponese glaives removal in a graceful, sweeping arc, I find its trajectory carries just far enough to slice your raygun in twain, eh hem?”
“Curse you woman! I would blast you, but you just sliced my blaster in half! Very well, we’ll do this the hard way then. I now draw my Samurai style Katana sword with my right hand, and take up a chained mace with my mech-arm.”
“Hear, hear, I so much more prefer the hard way. I say, at you! Hah, quite right, it all comes back to me now. Thrust, thrust, parry, thrust, parry, thrust, thrust. Yes, it’s rather like riding a bicycle, so to speak, in the way one remembers ones training in this sort of thing, don’t you know, eh hem?”
“Bah, blast
you, you infernal woman! Stop blocking and avoiding all of my sword slashes and mace swings! The experiment must not be delayed! Ach! My eye! Look what you made me do!”
“Dear me, I do so wish that I could take credit for your present dilemma, but I am afraid that you get all the credit for your mechanical arm’s malfunction, resulting in your thumb being planted firmly and deeply into your cyborgian eyesocket.”
“Don’t just stand there, gawking at my biceptical recoils, unlock the triceptic extension rods!”
“No, Doctor, rather it behooves me to secure those rods in place while I trap your flesh hand up behind your back in the mace’s chain to keep you safe from spreading further harm in this double gaveled/bludgeon lock.”
“Bah! When my thermo-atomic sub particulate ’Excoriation Process’ radiotomic exposure experiment subject is brought into fruition, you will rue the day you stuck your tiny, pert, little nose in my business!”
“I say, I do so hope that Mr. Temperance is able to prevent such a thing from coming to occur.”
Chapter Ten:
Icky vs. the King of the Beach
“Rhianico, where are you?”
“Jubei, I’m over here, staked out on this big ‘X’ formed by two large heavy pilings set deeply into this beach at forty-five degrees to one another and lashed together at a point a couple of feet above where they protrude from the black, rocky, sand!”
“Here I am, Rhianico! I shall slash through these many layers of thick, heavy rope with my shining, and honourable samurai sword! Unh! Unh! Wuh-Hai-eee-yaw! Unh! Unh! These ropes are a lot harder to slash through than they look! Maybe it will be faster if I try to untie them?”
“Oh, please hurry, Jubei! We are in the direct path of a very dangerous bomb! It is going to be detonated at any moment!”
“I know, Rhianico, but these ropes are most vexing, hai!”
bloomph!!!
“Hold it right there, Jubei Trevorgawa! You have been nothing but trouble ever since we came to Japan! Why can’t you leave me and Doctor Lionelstein in peace so that we can take over the World?”
“No, Laurie Petier, your evil plans must be thwarted! Shame on you for putting Rhianico in danger like this!”
“That reminds me. Step away from the test subject! When I draw the handle and drive the plunger in to this detonation box, I will begin my march into history!”
“No! I will not let you, hai!”
“I will blow you into a million pieces with this para-blunderbuss! Sayonara, ToeKey-Oh Kid, I end,.. you,.. now! … Hey! Who threw sand into my gun? Who snatched away my smouldering fuse?”
“It was me, Ichabod Temperance, Miss Laurie Petier Ma’am. I sure am sorry to throw lots of gritty sand into the delicate mechanism of your revolving blunder-charge cannisters, but you shouldn’t oughtta go around shooting folks the way you do.”
“You fool! What have you done? You have grittied up my gun’s revolving cylinder! I must shoot you two guys! Somebody give me a light!!”
“No, Ma’am, Miss Laurie Petier, Ma’am. Now you just turn loose of that detonation charge generator box, and everything will be okay.”
“Eek! Jubei, look out!”
“Hunh? What is it, Rhianico? Hunh! Oh, no! Ichsa-bod! Help!”
“What? Oh my goodness! That is the biggest lizard I have ever seen!”
“Ha, ha! Yes! The timely appearance of that Komodo Dragon is providence sent! He will quickly consume that meddling Jubei Trevorgawa!”
“Here I come, Jubei; I’ll help y’all! I better snatch up this big chunk of driftwood while I’m at it. Whoah, that big iguana really makes tracks! That is the biggest chameleon I ever saw! That sucker must weigh five hundred pounds!
~plop!~ ~plop!~ ~plop!~ ~plop!~ ~plop!~ ~plop!~
~schlop! snap! schloople-snap!~
“Hey there, you big ol’ Komoder Dragon, you, how about not gobbling up my friends in those snapping and frothing with poison saliva dripping jaws?”
~schlop! snap! schloople-snap!~
“Keep that Komodo Dragon back, Ichsa-bod! I almost have Rhianico free!”
“I ain’t real keen on hitting this boy with this big log as it is likely to make him mad. Maybe I can just gently prod him away...”
~schlop! snap! schloople-snap!~
“Keep the beast back, Ichsa-bod. Just a few more moments and I will have Rhianico free from her bonds!”
“You meddling fools! You will be punished for your interloper ways! I am firing the plunger... now!”
Wer-rheeee!Wer-rheeee!Wer-rheeee!
“Ha, ha! That siren indicates that the process has been instigated! It cannot be stopped! Leave Rhianico to accept her Fate! Get behind the shielded blast protection walls, you fools!”
“Hai! There, I have you free my lovely Rhianico! Let us hurry now to the shielded blast protective wall to save ourselves from the ’Excoriation Process’! Ichsa-bod, save yourself, hai!”
“Hi! I’m trying Mr. Trevorgawa-San sir, but this long legged crocodile is bound and determined to have a bite of yours truly.”
Wer-rheeee!Wer-rheeee!Wer-rheeee!
“C’mon, you big ol’ lizard, you and me both need to skeedaddle before we are fission-fried!”
~schlop! snap! schloople-snap!~
“Don’t you hear that siren? It means a big bomb is about to go off! Quit acting like you are trying to bite off my extremities and behave yourself.”
Wer-rheeee!Wer-rheeee!Wer-rheeee!
~schlop! snap! schloople-“HIEN!HIEN!HIEN”
“Hunh, what happened! Oh my gosh, your lizard foot is caught in a fissure!”
“Ichsa-bod, run! This is your chance to get away! The bomb is about to go off! Run, run, run!”
“But Mr. Trevorgawa, this innocent lizard is in danger! He is panicked at being trapped and can’t get loose! He is liable to hurt himself!”
“But he was just trying to eat you!”
“Well, that’s just what big ol’ lizards do. He don’t know no better.”
“Ichsa-bod, leave it and hurry to get behind the protective wall!”
“Yessir, Mr. Trevorgawa-San sir, I’m gonna do that, it’s just that, this poor ol’ Dragon is in trouble! Calm down there, big ’un.”
“Ichsa-bod, hurry! Leave the animal and get behind the blast wall! The bomb is about to go off!”
“Yessir, yessir Mr. Trevorgawa sir, I’m coming. Just gimme a second here.”
~schlop! snap! schloople-snap!~
“Easy there, big fella. Stop all this jumping around before you hurt yourself! I ain’t gonna hurt you. I’m a pal.”
~schlop! snap! schloople-snap!~
“Ohhh, stop all that bitey nonsense. You don’t really want to bite me, you just think you do. Here you go, take a good, chomp on this big chunk of driftwood.”
~CHOMP!~
“Woah! You sure do have a strong bite! You nearly made it through that water-log! As it is, having a good mouthful of something to bite on seems to have settled you down a bit.”
Wer-rheeee!Wer-rheeee!Wer-rheeee!
“Yeah, that warning siren is wearing on my nerves a little bit too. I really don’t mean you no harm, buddy. I’m gonna let you get a good whiff of my hand so that you can tell that I bear no malice. There you go, see, you can tell by my scent that you and me is pals! Shh, easy big guy. Settle down; that’s it. Now you just relax that leg and I’ll have you out in a jiffy. I’m gonna turn your ankle a little this way, and hey, there you go! That’s all it took! Now, scoot!”
“Ichsa-bod, run!”
“Here I come!”
Wer-rheeee!Wer-rheeee!Wer- . . .
. . .
. .
.
KUK.
SKULL-CHUK.
SKULL-CHUK-CHUK.
SKULKCH.
KRACK!
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YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
iUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUI
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BBBBBBBBBB
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MMMMMMMM
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter Eleven:
Icky vs. the Aftermathematics
“Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, where are you?”
“Yoo, hoo, Mr. Temperance, I am over here, sir. Oh good, there you are. I see that you have gained a measure of compliance out of Miss Petier. Here is our Jubei Trevorgawa and apparently you have another member of your party among you. This, I assume, is Doctor Lionelstein’s sibling, the unfortunate, though lovely, young Rhianico.”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, we managed to save Miss Rhianico, but it’s a pretty near scrape. Don’t get too close to this Petier lady, Miss Plumtartt. It wasn’t easy, but we were able to capture and subdue the dangerous assistant, Laurie Petier. Don’t let her hunchback fool ya’, Ma’am; that girl likes to scrap like a cat likes butter.”
“Splendid, Mr. Temperance, though in truth, I had hoped that you could have prevented the triggering of that frightful explosion. The terrible, blinding flash of that singularly horrific detonation immersed this entire area in a searing white light bath. This was followed by an extremely low bass register rumbling that, in violation of the Laws of Nature, Time, and Space, seemed to precede the physical concussion. Admittedly, I was amazed at the vigor of the shock wave. The point of ignition was clearly marked by a tall, thin cloud, that then spread out in a wide flat top, as a table, or toadstool. Yes, I think I shall always carry an image of that dreadful Toadstool Cloud in my mind. All in all, I should be happy that we have suffered no serious casualties, though, eh hem?”