The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7)

by Ichabod Temperance

  Yes, Ma’am, that bad ol’ Laurie Petier set off the bomb while we were trying to save Rhianico. We all made it safely back behind the protective wall. Everybody that is, except for a poor, unfortunate Komoder Dragon. We don’t know what happened to him.”

  “Commode-er Dragon, Mr. Temperance?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, you know, like a five hundred pound version of the common backyard lizard.”

  “Oh, yes, of course, a Komodo Dragon.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, that’s what I said, a Komoder Dragon. One of them jumbo chameleons might have got caught in the blast of that explosion, but we ain’t sure. We looked for him afterwards, but he was nowhere to be found.”

  “The poor creature.”

  “Yes, Ma’am. Hey, lookey there, y’all, here comes Gumibara and TiTaupKamaro! It looks like Gumibara is holding Doctor Lionelstein in one of his sticky paws.”

  “RRRRAWR!!!! We are victorious! TiTaupKamaro and I have thoroughly destroyed all of Doctor Lionelsteins armaments and clockwork soldiers!”

  “GRONK!!! Those pitiful machines did not stand a chance against our combined might! Your mad dreams of leading an army of super-monsters on a quest for World domination is hereby brought to an end, Doctor Lionelstein! GRONK!!!”

  “You stupid super-monsters! I’d have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you and these meddlesome kidlets.”

  “I say, that is quite enough out of you, Doctor Lionelstein. We shall soon enough turn you and the devious Laurie Petier over to the appropriate branch of the next convenient judicial body we come across, whomever that may be, eh hem?”

  “Hey, what has become of the mighty TuRuDan?”

  “I am sorry, Gumibara, but the great TuRuDan was struck by Professor Lionelstein’s ’Evil Eye’ disruptor beam. I saw him flying back to to his mountaintop Eyre, but I do not think he will be returning to celebrate with us.”

  “I reckon we performed the task that was magically ordained for us by the IndiGoGo Girls to fulfill, Miss Plumtartt. I sure am glad we were able to assist these nice folks, Ma’am.”

  “Hear, hear, Mr. Temperance, a job well done, sir, I say, jolly good!”

  “I’m glad we were able to help out that cute couple, Jubei and Rhianico, too. Don’t look now Miss Plumtartt, for it appears that they are engaging in a public display of affection!”

  “Eh hem, yes, well, I must say, Mr. Temperance, the timing for such a tender and intimate celebration is appropriate in my estimation. Furthermore, I fervently wish for a similar action on our part to occur post haste, eh hem?”

  “Huhnh? Oh. I mean, oh! Yes, Ma’am!”

  “Mmmmmm.”

  “Did you feel that, Mr. Temperance?”

  “Yes, Ma’am!”

  “I meant, did you feel the island tremble?”

  “Oh, yes Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! I feel the Earth move anytime we are in contact.”

  “Yes, that is sweet, Mr. Temperance, however, I was speaking with a more literal sense, in that I sensed an Earth tremor.”

  “Hai, Persephone, I too felt an unusual concussive wave pass beneath our feet.”

  “I am so jiggley, that I am a veritable seismograph. I know every volcano on this island by the tremble that is transmitted through the ground. The rumbling sensation that shook this island was distinctly non-volcanic. I can vouch for the fact that we just experienced an un-natural tectonic shift manifestation.”

  “Like, I’ve got a bad feeling about this you guys. Hey, there it is again, but stronger this time!”

  “It’s coming from over yonder in the cove we just left, y’all. I estimate that it is about two miles from where we are now, on the backside of the castle. Something big is going on out there in that isolated bay.”

  “I say, ‘big’ is a relative term, eh hem? Our friend Gumibara is big, and his footfalls resound through the ground, nevertheless, he is nowhere in the same category as that what is manifesting itself on the other side of that hill.”

  “Oh, if you please, Jubei, I’m scared! I am inexplicably frightened to my very core! Something bad is happening!”

  “Hai, Rhianico, however, I must urge you to stay calm and trust your protagonist. Ichsa-bod, is this some residue explosion, left over from the earlier detonation?”

  “Shucks, I really don’t know, Mr. Trevorgawa-San sir. Dang! Did y’all see that? A huge flume of water just sprayed up into the the air, thousands of feet above the water’s surface, over there behind that intervening hillside. The Earth rumblings are becoming more pronounced, as well.”

  “Oh my Goodness! I think something really big is starting to thrash about over in the detonation cove.”

  “Quite so, Gumibara, and if I am not mistaken, I believe I hear strange noises in the air to accompany the disquieting water flumes. Could these be the tortured cries of a living creature? I am not sure if they are or not, for they possess a halting, nerve-jangling, high-pitched, metal-ripping, vocalization styling, if I may be so bold with my description.”

  “Oh, tender vittles, I think Persephone is right. That does sound like the voice of an impossibly huge super-monster!”

  “If you please, my handsome Jubei and your brave companions, I beseech you to turn your gaze to where I indicate and see with your own peepers! If our eyes and ears are not lying to us then I must cry out! Behold, it rises!”

  “Rhianico is right, Miss Plumtartt! A gigantic shadow is rising high into the air where there shouldn’t be one. The black clouds of an approaching storm, alive with the intermittent flashes of lightening within the roiling black morass, provides a hyper-dynamic backdrop for the incomprehensible silhouette. It looks like a huge ol’ mountain has, somehow, done just sprung up in the cove. Rivaling the steep mountainside cliffs of Monstrous Island, the inexplicable shadow dwarfs the intervening hill between us and the cove, almost two miles away. Jagged, triangular ridges make a double row up one side of the mountainside. Um, is it just me, y’all, or a trick of the frenzied lightening show, but, does that there suddenly appearing mountain seem to be moving?”

  “If you please, the lightnings flashing is unequivocally displaying an active, living, creature of immense size.”

  “My word, I spy a dim source of light, away, near to the distant top. Two softly glowing lanterns, spaced very near one another. Queen Victoria’s corset laces! I believe those glowing, golden pair of lights are the eyes of an enormous super-monster! What appears to be its relatively small head is tilting up and to the left, allowing for a brief silhouette in which rows and rows of long dagger-like teeth are brightly displayed in the eager lightning’s dramatic illumination, eh hem?”

  “The vision we are faced with is incomprehensibly big! Even I, Gumibara, am but a small bear before this greatest of all titans!”

  “The creature is reptilian! Its tubby rear end and heavy tail allow the overgrown Tyrannosaurus Rex-like beast to easily stand on its hind legs.”

  “Uncle Sam Clemens’ suspenders, y’all, I reckon that Ty-racodile must stand many hundreds of feet in the air! His dino-gator skin is as the strongest crocodile hide, but a thousand times over more thick and impenetrable! The dark, green, armour of his knobby hide has the appearance of nigh invulnerability! His angry, and shining, speckled, vertical pupil slits, in his yellow eyes, sweep back and forth beneath his gnarled brow in search of a victim to release his monstrous rage upon. He is apparently drawing an extra huge amount of air into his mega-bellow lungs to provide adequate force to his next, metal ripping, ear-drum shattering, vocalization effort.”

  EEE

  AYE

  rROARK!

  “I say, the fellow does come across as being in a heightened state of anxiety, wouldn’t you agree? Indeed, it seems the great fellow might have actually seen us and is headed in this direction, yes? Let us retire to the castle for what precious protection it may offer, eh hem?”

  “Let’s not, Miss Plumtartt. I got a feeling that super-monster has plans for this otherwise
imposing structure.”

  “Yes, quite so, Mr. Temperance, I do believe your prognostication to be the more likely scenario. I shall follow the course of you and our companions into the concealment of these tumbled boulders, eh hem?”

  “Oh, the island is bouncing around so much that I am almost being knocked over onto the back of my shell!”

  “Oh, I hope there is a boulder big enough to hide me from that horrible super-duper-monster!”

  “Ach! You fools! This is what you get for interfering in my experiments!”

  “You just hush up Dauktor, I mean, Doctor Lionelstein and behave yourself!”

  “Eek! The brute is unimaginably tall! He towers far over even my, the great Gumibaras head! Oh, don’t let him see me! He will gobble me up for a sweet snack!”

  “Shh! Like, be quiet, Gumibara, he will hear you, and find us!”

  “Hai, I think that we are all right, TiTaupKamaro, for as Ichsa-bod predicted, the super-duper-monster is venting his terrible rage on the sprawling, fortified constructions of Doctor Lionelstein’s massive castle.”

  “Ach! Stop that, you naughty super-monster! How dare you swing your relatively tiny forepaws with impunity, knocking down the soaring curly cornered towers of my command castle! Stop smashing it to little bits, you big jerk! Kicking the fortress is no better, you terrible super-monster! You have kicked and scuffed my enormous fortress until there is nothing left! My imposing, impenetrable, parapets of paramount importance have been pulverized by the pounding of your three-toed, claw-heeled feet!”

  “Eee-Aye-rRoark!!!”

  “Oh, if you please, Jubei, hold me! The vibrations from that titanic roar fill my quivering heart with the proverbial nameless sense of dread, my handsome hero.”

  “Hai, I have you, my lovely and delicate, Rhianico. You are but a fragile flower for me to protect in my strong arms, hai.”

  “Oh, Jubei!”

  “Mmmm.”

  “Watch out, Miss Plumtartt, don’t look now but there go Jubei and Rhianico getting all romantic in front of everybody again!”

  “Yes, I see, however at this time I propose that instead of once again following our lovestruck companions into a heady moment of sweet embrace, rather we would do well to maintain a pursuit and observance of what is sure to be a catastrophic menace to all Mankind, eh hem?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

  Chapter Twelve:

  Icky vs. the Green Angel of Destruction

  “Stop wrecking my lovely orchards, you big jerk! Oh no, just look at how my careful arrays of neat and orderly groves of delicious fruits are being maliciously and contemptuously wrecked! All the trees are kicked into messy piles of upturned rootballs. My tangy tangerines are trampled! My pineapples are pummeled with pugilistic impunity! The big bully has butchered my cherished cherries! Oh woe are my watermelons! I am laid low, languished with lemons lament. What you have done to my limes are crimes!”

  “Steady on, Gumibara, I say, for all your super-monster greatness, it is suicidal for you to confront this behemoth. Yes, quite, my word!”

  “I know Persephone, but what am I going to do?”

  “You must be the bear that bears the unbearable, my stalwart friend.”

  “Now he is headed for my lovely lagoon! Like, woah, uncool dude! He is kicking my swinging grotto and beautiful rock gardens to smithereens! This is totally bogus!”

  “It’ll be all right, Mr. TiTaupKamaro, sir. We’ll help you rebuild your rock gardens and tropical paradise lagoon back the way you like, just as soon as we get a handle on handling this crisis.”

  “I say, Mr. Temperance, this colossus is too swift for us to keep up our pursuit. I suggest we rest a moment and gather our thoughts, eh hem?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt. This boy ain’t gonna be hard to track. I reckon that even a city-bred, blind-folded, librarian with a head-cold would have the requisite tracking skills needed to follow this prey. Let’s stop and catch our breath.”

  “Hai, Ichsa-bod, it is my observation that this monster will soon tire of the limited manner in which he can express his general anger and rage on this island. I predict that he will soon depart these shores to spread his terror to the rest of the world.”

  “Ehnn-there is nothing that you can do to stop this super-monster! He is the greatest super-monster of all time!”

  “Ach, Laurie Petier is correct! The greatest super-monster in history is unleashed upon an unsuspecting and unprepared world, but thanks to your blundering interferences, instead of being under my dominance, this creature operates in the arena of anarchy!”

  “Oh, Jubei, I feel such shame and sorrow for having been a part of this tragedy. Perhaps I can express my broken heart in this humble haiku:”

  “Super-Monster plague”

  “Sorrow as cold winter wind.”

  “Sad, Rhianico.”

  “Oh my precious Rhianico! You are breaking my samurai heart! I must compose a tender haiku in sympathy with your lovely offering, hai!”

  “Duty, honour, pledge.”

  “Determination ignite.”

  “Chivalry lives on.”

  “No mortal shall show more chivalrous honour than I, Gumibara! I shall write the quintessential haiku for the occasion! Let my genteel and delicate nuances convey the bottomless depths of my perfect empathy!”

  “Sugar river vow.”

  “Tower terror do cower!”

  “Bear without mercy.”

  “Bah, Gumibara, your pathetic attempts at poetics are more clumsy than your dated, and ridiculous, dance maneuvers! Let TiTaupKamaro show you how to swiftly compose the appropriate poem!”

  “Oh, super-monster.”

  “Stompy feet. Long tail unbound.”

  “Island in peril.”

  “Now, don’t you fret, TiTaupKamaro, I am with Gumibara. I’m a reckoning that there must be some way of stopping this super-duper-monster before he goes on a world-wide swath of unstoppable destruction. Maybe I can express my sentiments in strangely strict, rigidly inflexible, numbered, awkward phrasing like y’all did.”

  “Danger Ocean deep”

  “Icky’s shallow pond, floody.”

  “Swim, Bama boy, swim.”

  “Bah! You fools! You have no concept of the ramifications of today’s catastrophe! I laugh at your dilemma brought on by your goody/goody, nosy interference. This disaster for Mankind is all your fault, you collected buffoons! Here is the view of Doctor Cyclops, oops, I mean, Doctor Atwell Lionelstein!”

  “Plan thwarted. Sad Doc.”

  “Last laugh, sweet, final cackle.”

  “Monster stomp on kids.”

  “Ehnn-yes, Herr Dauktor! Ha, ha! This disaster rests firmly upon the shoulders of these meddling kids and monsters! Ha, ha! It is up to you foolish young people, to clean up this mess, ha, ha! Here is what I think of your inconsiderate interference:”

  “Global threat, gory.”

  “Hunchback assistant Petier,”

  “Credit, Miss Laurie.”

  “Dear me, I was so hoping to avoid this little poetic throw-down but if I must, I must, so it would seem, eh hem?”

  “Heavy burden bourne.”

  “Reptile chow, human menu.”

  “Victory avowed.”

  “Bah! Sentimental drivel is all I am hearing. Face it, you are beaten and there is nothing you can do to stop this beast!”

  “My word, Doctor, you can at least grant us a moment to contemplate the dilemma, eh hem? Mr. Temperance, do you, sir, have any ideas for staying this monster?”

  “Hmm, let’s see. Maybe if we could trip him up, we could run up real quick and get a gigantic kelp muzzle on him long enough to hog-tie his feet. This would be predicated on being able to quickly weave about a mile or so of seaweed into unbreakable rope.”

  “Your rope from kelp scheme is admirable, Mr. Temperance; however, it may fail in having the textile strength we are in need of, yes? Forgive my lack of confidence in your grappling s
kills, sir, but I suspect that even you might require a spot of leverage if you are to maintain one of your ‘Tennessee Toe-holds’, yes?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. How about we use flashing lights to disorient and mesmerize the animal.”

  “Though you, sir, are all too susceptible to the outside control of hypnotic suggestion, and are often captivated into drooling stupor by twinkling Christmas lights, I can’t help but think the monster’s constant rage keeps him secure from our influence and interference, in that ingenious arena, eh hem?”

  “What about rubbing his belly to put him to sleep?”

  “Doubtful, and impracticable.”

  “Maybe we could try music to soothe the savage beast?”

  “That is not a bad idea. Music will in all probability have a calming effect on the beast. Perhaps it will be enough to encourage the gastronomic nightmare to slow his mad rate of intake, thus taking the time to savour the cities he devours, rather than gulping them down without relishing the subtle differences of each locale.”

  “That’s it for me, Miss Plumtartt, I am slap out of sage advice.”

  “Did someone mention music and needing advice? Why, that’s it! We must summon the IndiGoGo Girls to give us wise council! Gumibara, I was just kidding about your inability to dance. Actually, you are quite skilled in the arts of graceful motion. Get up and do that VooDoo, that you do, oh, so well!”

  “TiTaupKamaro, you’re right! I’ll do it! Everybody stand way back! This is going to take some heavy duty dancing. It’s a good thing that I am a heavy duty dancing bear!”

  skippity-hippity-hop!

  stompity-hoppity-skip!

  skippity skip!

  hoppity hop!

  stompity-stompity-plop!

  “That sure is some good dancing, Gumibara, but it ain’t working yet, bud. Do you know anymore dance steps?”

  “RRRRAWR!!! Do I know anymore dance steps!?! Uppity human, I should crush you for your insolence! Of course I know more dance steps! Stand back! Here I go! RRRRAWR!!!”

  stompity-boppity, stompity-boppity

  Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.