Mail Order Madness

by Kirsten Osbourne

  “Albert and Lewis, I’d like you to go up to your room and sit on your beds. I don’t want you to speak or even look at each other. I’ll be up in a few minutes after I’ve had a chance to talk to your father.” Her mind raced about what to do about the boys, but then she shut it down. She’d figure that out after she decided what to do with the man who’d paid his sons to help him deceive her.

  Both boys turned and ran toward the house, obviously thankful for what they saw as a reprieve for the punishment they knew was coming.

  Susan turned to David. “You bribed your sons to be good so I’d agree to marry you?” She walked toward him utterly furious. She poked him in the middle of the chest and he backed up a step.

  “I’m sorry. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do, but I saw you and knew you had to be my wife. You’re so pretty…”

  “That’s a bunch of hogwash and you know it! You already told me you were planning to ask me to marry you before you ever saw me. You deliberately deceived me to get me to take on those monsters you call sons.” Her voice was low, but filled with fury. She was so angry, she didn’t think she’d be able to yell at him until she calmed down.

  David continued to back away from her. He’d seen angry women before, but he’d never known one to be as angry as Susan was at that moment. She looked ready to chew him up and spit him out. “I’m sorry.”

  She closed her eyes fighting her anger. If he’d been one of her brothers, she’d have punched him in the eye without thinking twice about it. She was determined to resolve this without violence, though. “I agree with you. You are sorry.”

  He backed up once more until he felt his horse against his back. “I can’t back up anymore, Susan.”

  “I’ve never wanted to hit anyone in my life as much as I want to hit you right now.” She mentally counted to ten and opened her eyes. “Your boys need a switch taken to them for lying and for going into town without permission. I’m not even going to start on The Acre.”

  He shook his head. “I just can’t agree with beating them. There’s got to be another solution.”

  “Your mother never beat you and look what happened!” She shook her head. “I’m getting off track here. We need to concentrate on the boys. If I can’t spank them, you have to stand aside and let me do whatever I want to punish them without hitting.” She glared up at him leaving him in no doubt of how angry she still was. “Agreed?”

  He nodded. At that point he would have agreed to anything as long as she turned her anger away from him. “What are you thinking?”

  “I’m thinking we delay starting the tree house for a day, they get no dessert tonight, and they spend tomorrow cleaning out the stalls.”

  “No dessert? Make sure Sadie fixes something they don’t like.”

  Her eyes widened. “You’re kidding me right? I’m going to go tell Sadie to fix all of their favorite desserts in one night! They will not feel like this punishment is easy!” How could his automatic thought be for making the punishment easier? What was wrong with him?

  He nodded, afraid to do anything else at that moment. “Are you sure they should muck out the stalls? That’s what the ranch hands are for….”

  It was all she could do not to kick the man. What was he thinking? The boys needed a real punishment to keep them from doing the same thing again next week! She took a deep breath and folded her arms across her chest, just then realizing he was cowering against the horse. Good! He needs to realize I’m angry and I mean business!

  “I will punish them how I see fit, or I will switch them. Take your pick.” She knew her voice sounded gravelly and harsh, but at that moment she didn’t care. It was all she could do to speak to him without resorting to violence.

  “Do what you want as long as you don’t spank them.”

  “Fine. I will.”

  She marched off toward the house and went straight to the kitchen, feeling his presence behind her but refusing to acknowledge him.

  “Sadie, what are the older boys’ favorite desserts?” Her eyes were flashing fire as she asked the housekeeper the question.

  Sadie turned with a gleam in her eye knowing very well where this was going after the uproar when the boys disappeared earlier that day. “Albert likes chocolate cake and Lewis prefers blueberry pie.”

  “Do you have the ingredients to make both for dinner tonight?” The more they loved the dessert the worse the punishment would feel.

  Sadie nodded. “I do.”

  “Please make them.”

  Sadie grinned. “Are the boys going to bed with no dessert?”

  “They are. Among other punishments.”

  Sadie’s eyes met David’s over Susan’s shoulder. “Not going to argue with her?” The laughter in Sadie’s eyes was tangible.

  Susan turned and glared at him.

  He shook his head quickly. “No, ma’am. I’ve got more sense than that.”

  Sadie chuckled. “Looks like you and your boys have met your match, David.” She turned back to the stove where she was fixing a thick stew for dinner. “Do either of you need something to eat? You missed lunch…”

  David shook his head. “No, the boys and I stopped at a restaurant on our way back from town.”

  Susan turned and stared at him. “You what?”

  He shrugged, realizing he’d said the wrong thing. “Well, we were all hungry, and we missed lunch and all….”

  Susan couldn’t help herself. At that point she pulled her leg back and kicked him in the shin as hard as she possibly could. She could not take another second of his ridiculous parenting methods. “They wander around Hell’s Half Acre and you reward them by taking them to a restaurant? What on Earth is wrong with you?” She made a shooing motion with her hand. “Get out. Go and play with the horses or do whatever nonsense you do all day. I don’t need you here mollycoddling the boys while I’m punishing them. You make me crazy!” She lifted her foot to kick him again as he turned and limped out of the kitchen as fast as he could.

  She turned to Sadie. “You’ve known him his whole life. Was he always this stupid?” She wanted to scream. She wanted to take a portrait of the man and hang it on a tree so she could throw axes at it. He should be the one she punished, not the boys!

  Sadie was laughing so hard she couldn’t respond. She fixed a ham sandwich with leftovers from lunch for Susan and handed it to her.

  Susan sat down at the table in the kitchen and ate the sandwich, grumbling under her breath the whole time. “I married a crazy man. He belongs in an asylum. He should not be free to roam around the world.”

  Sadie watched her while she took out the ingredients she needed to make the desserts the boys wouldn’t be allowed to eat.

  Finally, Susan finished eating and put her plate in the sink. “Now I have to go deal with his demented offspring. I never thought I’d say this, but I want to go back to Massachusetts and deal with ‘the demon horde’. At least there I was allowed to get the switch when the situation warranted it.” She grumbled all the way out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

  She opened the door to the boys’ bedroom and found them facing in opposite directions and not speaking just as she’d told them. Good. Maybe they learned something from this situation even if their idiot father didn’t.

  “First off, I want you to know that you had me frightened half to death this morning. You have been my sons for less than a week, and I thought I’d lost you forever. What on Earth were you thinking going off on your own into Fort Worth that way? You could have been shot or killed!”

  Both boys hung their heads. “I’m sorry, Ma,” Lewis whispered, obviously contrite.

  “We were just trying to help everything get started faster. I’m sorry.” Albert looked up at her as he said the last words. “What’s our punishment?”

  She looked between the two of them utterly fed up with the entire situation. “I wanted to go pick a switch and beat you both with it.” She needed them to know that her first inclination was to spank them.


  Albert’s eyes grew wide. “Teacher does that at school sometimes.”

  “Good for Teacher!” Susan said emphatically. “Your father doesn’t want you spanked, though. I have no idea why, because I can’t think of two boys in this world who deserve a spanking more than the two of you do right now.” She walked over to look out the window glaring down at David who was back to working with the horses. “You’re going to go to bed with no desserts tonight.”

  Albert let out a huge sigh of relief. He’d obviously expected more.

  “And you’ll spend the rest of the day today, and all day tomorrow cleaning the stable.” She turned back to the boys so she could watch their reaction to her pronouncement.

  “But that’s what the ranch hands do,” Albert said reasonably.

  “Yes, it is, and that’s too bad. I’d have told them to stop their work for a week if I’d known I’d have to use it as a punishment for you.” She thought the boys needed to have real chores anyway. How would they ever learn to be responsible if they were able to play all the time and never work?

  Lewis looked up at her, his bottom lip quivering. “Does that mean we don’t get to start building the tree house tomorrow?”

  “It absolutely means no tree house tomorrow. We’ll start Thursday if I get a report that you work hard today and tomorrow.”

  Lewis wiped away a tear that was coursing down his cheek at the idea of putting the tree house off for an extra day. “Yes, Ma.”

  Albert stood up and grabbed his brother by the arm. “Come on. We need to take our punishments like men.” He pulled his brother along behind him.

  Susan followed them both down the stairs and out the front door. Instead of going straight to the stable, they first went to their father and said something to him, and then went to the stable. She was certain they’d gone to complain over their punishment, but she was happy to see David backed her up. She had no idea what she was going to do with David. Is he too old to take a switch to?

  *****

  David stood staring at the boys after they left him to go clean out the stalls. When they’d come toward him, he was sure they were coming to complain about their punishment, and he was going to find a way to sneak around Susan and go easier on them. Instead, their purpose in coming to see him was apologizing for causing him worry. He couldn’t believe it. Why hadn’t they asked him to not have to muck out the stalls?

  When he went into the house for dinner, he found Susan in the formal parlor finishing up some sewing for the twins. “Those look nice,” he commented.

  She grunted but didn’t say anything, so he assumed she was still angry with him for several different reasons. He sighed and went upstairs to change for dinner. He didn’t want to stay in a room with a wife who was obviously furious with him, for good reason, he had to admit. He’d really messed things up, and wondered what he’d have to do to get her to forgive him.

  When he went down the stairs after changing, he saw Albert and Lewis with Susan. She’d finished her sewing and had laid it aside, and the boys were apologizing to her. He couldn’t believe his ears. Had she told them they had to apologize?

  Susan hugged both boys to her. “Thank you for saying you’re sorry to me. I want you to know that I understand you just want to have fun. I want you to have fun. But you have to do it in a way that’s safe for you and for other people. Running around town without anyone knowing where you are is not safe. Anything could have happened to you.”

  Albert pulled away. “We know you’re just trying to keep us safe, Ma. Thanks for caring about us.”

  David was shocked. Surely now she’d tell the boys they could have their desserts back and they didn’t have to spend the next day mucking the stalls. He waited for a minute for her to say so, but she didn’t.

  He stepped into the parlor. “You boys have obviously learned your lesson. I think you can have your desserts tonight, and you don’t have to finish up the horse stalls tomorrow.”

  Albert looked surprised and turned to Susan. “Is that true, Ma?”

  Susan shook her head. “I can tell you’ve learned your lesson, but you need to understand there are consequences for everything you do. You’ll finish up your punishment, and then everything will be back to normal again.” She ruffled both boys’ hair. “Go wash up and change your clothes for dinner.”

  As soon as they boys were out of the room, she stood up glaring at David.

  “They’ve learned their lesson. Why can’t you just end the punishment now?” David was surprised she was clinging to a punishment for a lesson they’d obviously already learned.

  “Because if I stop their punishment every time they come to me and apologize and hug me, they’ll do that as soon as they’ve done something wrong and realize they can get away with anything. They need structure in their lives and cutting off their punishment is not structure.” She took a deep breath, obviously searching for self-control. “I would appreciate it if you would consult me before rescinding any punishment I give in the future. They need to see us as unified when it comes to discipline. If I decide to stay here, I need you to back me up every step of the way.”

  His eyes widened in shock. “What do you mean if you decide to stay?” She wasn’t seriously thinking about leaving him was she? They hadn’t even been married for a week!

  “Just that. I found out today my husband deliberately deceived me and it’s obvious he’s trying to undermine me with our boys. I won’t stay in a marriage where that continues.” She walked past him into the dining room where Sadie was serving the stew she’d made with some homemade biscuits. She took her seat at the foot of the table while Mrs. Hackenshleimer brought the twins to their high chairs.

  “Thanks for all your help today, Mrs. Hackenshleimer.”

  The nanny nodded, and started toward the kitchen. “Is that all for the night?”

  “Yes, I’ll put them to bed after dinner.”

  David watched the whole exchange still feeling shocked to his core. Was his wife going to leave him? Christian wives didn’t just leave their husbands over something little. What was she thinking?

  He watched as Albert and Lewis took their seats before taking his own. He calmly prayed over the meal and they all ate. Albert and Lewis seemed happier than they’d been in a long time. How was that possible? They were being forced to carry out a severe punishment. How could they be happy?

  David didn’t understand anything that was going on around him. Whatever was happening with his boys was beyond his understanding. Did they want to be disciplined? Caroline had told him more than once that children liked structure, but did that mean they were happier when they were punished? It didn’t make sense at all.

  When Sadie brought out their favorite desserts, both boys looked sad, but they never reached for a piece knowing they wouldn’t get them. Neither boy complained. David wanted to give them each a piece because of their sad looks, but he didn’t want to lose his wife, and he was afraid he’d already done that. He sighed. Why did the boys seem to think her decisions were good while they ignored his?

  Susan put Thomas and Walter to bed immediately after dinner. When she came down the stairs afterward, she told the older boys to take baths and wash their hair. “Do you need me to help you with your hair Lewis?”

  “I’ll help him, Ma. I don’t mind.” Albert smiled at Susan as if she’d granted him a favor that day instead of depriving him of one of his favorite things.

  Susan nodded at Albert. “That would be good. Thanks for helping your brother.” She calmly walked into the family parlor as if Albert offered to help do things for his younger brothers every day and plucked a book off the shelf. She was sitting quietly reading when David walked into the room, still flabbergasted about what he’d seen.

  He sat next to her on the couch, and she stood and moved to the overstuffed chair in the corner of the room. “May I ask you something?” David asked cautiously. Susan gave a quick nod, but didn’t look up from her book. “Why are the boys acting as if you’ve g
iven them some sort of gift when all you did was punish them today?”

  She put her open book against her belly, and her eyes met his for the first time since their confrontation before dinner. He could see the anger still seething in her green eyes, and hoped she got over her mad before bed that night. He was half afraid he’d wake up with a knife at his throat.

  “Children like structure. They like knowing what the rules are and what the consequences will be when they break the rules. It makes them feel safe to know there are rules in place, especially when they understand why the rules are there. After they’ve broken a rule, they feel lost until someone punishes them, and then they feel better about it again.”

  “You really believe that, don’t you?”

  “With everything inside me. I’m not just trying to be mean to the boys. I want them to be well-behaved, yes, but I also know they’ll be happier if they have the structure I’m creating. Sure, they enjoy running around like crazed heathen children, but they prefer to follow a structure.”

  David sat back and thought about what she’d said. The boys seemed, by their behavior, to be telling him she was right. Even Albert was becoming helpful and obedient. “Are you really thinking about leaving me?” He regretted the question as soon as he’d asked it. He didn’t want her to realize just how her threat had made him feel. He couldn’t go back to the way things had been before they’d married. He was relying on her too much already, and they’d only been married a few days.

  She sighed. “I promised both my mother and the woman who runs the mail order bride agency that sent me here that I wouldn’t put up with being married to a man who mistreated me. I think they meant not to put up with a man who beat me, but I think bribing your boys to deceive me and contradicting my punishments is just as bad. I can’t stay somewhere where that kind of treatment is a way of life. I won’t. I respect myself too much for that.” Her eyes met his again, the anger gone but the serious look told him she wasn’t joking about leaving. “I don’t want to leave. Now that the boys are mostly under control, it’s pleasant here. I enjoy being married to you. I just can’t allow any man to lie to me and get away with it.”