by Laura Gibson
At first, her eyes didn’t focus in on the words; she just stared at the handwriting. It was clean, well thought out words written in black ink.
She felt her core begin to tremble and Kelly put his hand on her shoulder, “Are you alright?”
Rachel didn’t look at him, but she nodded, never taking her eyes off the page. “It’s from Jefferson.”
Kelly was quiet, but she knew he was still looking at her, waiting for her to say something more.
But now Rachel was reading. What could he possibly want to say to her now?
My dearest Rachel,
I know it must sound out of place, but I miss your friendship. Your morals were an unwavering anchor of purity in what was a sea of ambiguous grey areas. You had a calming center that always pointed me north, and now I can’t help but feel that center is a void in my life. A blackness I can’t fight out of. I think we both know now Melody was our lasting connection and in her absence we have grown apart. I know your falling out wasn’t planned, but it still remains that it was unavoidable, especially after everything that happened.
How’s your stomach? After that nasty fall, I always wondered if it healed properly or if there was a scar. You know, if there was a scar, at least you’d have something to show for it. Battle wounds are always more fun to talk about when other people can see them. Don’t you think?
After our last conversation I decided I needed to make a few changes in my life, I do hope you approve of them. Above all others, it is your approval I seek. After all, you were always so willing to point out my failures. My honest Rachel.
Don’t respond if you don’t feel compelled to, I know what you’ll say. But I look forward to seeing you. We all do.
Just don’t let the tears ruin your makeup; I know how hard you work at appearances.
With all my love,
Jefferson
Chapter Sixteen
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
October 16th, 2008
Rachel
“You don’t wanna fuckin’ cross me, Rachel.” Jefferson was standing there in her dorm room, his face a red and purple mess of anger and frustration, his chest heaving up and down, nervous sweat beginning to run down his face and dampen his dark hair.
His normally black eyes, calm and slightly devilish were now wide with his rage and Rachel could make out the different colors of his irises, pretty things in the light of the afternoon sun, even if their hate was trained on her.
Jefferson was pointing at her and her alone, but the rest of the room felt his wrath, even if they didn’t want to.
They had all been discussing the winter formal that was just a few short months away and Melody was taking notes before Jefferson burst in. Rachel could see out of the corner of her eye Melody hadn’t even put her pen down yet. Her hand was still raised above the pad of paper, as if she still waiting for directions on when to take dictation.
The silence that followed Jefferson’s threat was only filled by the soft whir of the ceiling fan and Jefferson’s own heavy breathing.
Rachel could feel the uneasy eyes of the girls around her and she wondered what they would say after he left. Some of them, Janice Marcus to be certain, were more than a little affected by Jefferson’s outburst. She would probably be applauding him if she wasn’t so frightened now.
“What did I do, Jefferson?” Rachel asked, calmly, coolly, trying to feel like she was still in control of the situation. She knew very well what she had done, and she knew Jefferson knew as well, she just wanted to hear him say it.
Jefferson’s lip curled into a sneer while he thought of all the different words he could use, he could answer her simple question, or he could bring out his anger once more and use it like a club on all the young women in the room.
On the opposite end of the scale, Rachel took a deep breath in and then exhaled, trying to keep the fear at bay, trying to tell herself everything was going to turn out alright in the end. Jefferson was just letting off some steam.
She sized up the creature in front of her and tried to remember him as Jefferson Williams, her friend, Melody’s boyfriend, perfectly collected, charming boy that had all of Phillips in a swoon whenever he was around but it was extremely difficult when all she saw was a crazy person.
“You know what, fuck you, Rachel.” Jefferson had finally decided on the words he wanted to use and he spit them out like hot oil. “You know what you did and you had no right. No right!” He finished the last bit with another shout and Rachel was forced to swallow her anxiety.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Jefferson.” She started, already seeing it on his face he was going to interrupt her. This was his show after all, he didn’t want her steal it.
“Don’t even give me that fuckin’ bullshit.” Jefferson half slurred and Rachel wondered if it was possible for someone to be drunk on rage.
But now Jefferson was so worked up as he pronounced his last sentence, a certain amount of spittle dribbled out of his mouth and down his chin. He either didn’t know or didn’t care, Rachel bet on the latter, and therefore didn’t wipe it away.
A droplet of it caught the light and Rachel looked at the way it shone, almost sparkling. Rachel blinked and tried to think of something more to say to Jefferson but she came up short, her words had failed her.
“Jeff, let’s talk about this.” Melody had finally put down her pen and was standing, trying to talk to her boyfriend, trying to find him in the angry creature standing in front of them.
Rachel wasn’t sure if she felt respect for Melody or revile she would dare consider this egocentric maniac to be susceptible to logic. Melody always did have a tender spot for the unlovable and Rachel was afraid how far that would take her. Or if it would just take her completely.
Rachel stifled a shiver that had collected between her shoulder blades and threatened to run the length of her spine. She didn’t want to think about these things, not here and now. She wanted to wait till she was alone and could write it all down.
Isn’t that why she had hit ‘record’ on the tape player in her bag? Deep down, Rachel knew Jefferson was dangerous and even if her conscience mind didn’t want to deal with it, she was willing to follow whatever path her survival instincts took her on.
Jefferson looked at Melody like he finally realized there were other people in the room, the entire dance committee, in fact. His black eyes going from a blaze to finally alert, as if he was just now assessing what he was saying.
He took a step back, trying to regain his composure and Rachel could see the vein on his temple lessen in its bulge, the pulsating slowing dramatically, and she no longer feared he was going to have an aneurism.
Melody was walking towards Jefferson and Rachel wondered if that really was the best idea. He didn’t look half as dangerous as he had before, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t. He still resembled a caged animal and Rachel knew it was only a matter of time before he would lash out again.
Still she watched the small woman put her hands on Jefferson’s shoulders in an attempt to sooth him and it looked like it was working.
“Maybe you should take a walk, Jeff.” Melody murmured and Rachel could see Jefferson nodding, agreeing with her, his shoulders trembling as his anger subsided.
“I think you and Rach can talk about this later.” Melody whispered, as if consistently lowering her voice was what was getting Jefferson to rethink his plan of attack.
Jefferson swallowed and nodded, “You’re right.” He managed a smile for Melody and Rachel could see the old Jefferson was back, but was he less dangerous?
She stifled a shiver and kept her eyes trained on the couple, knowing the only thing stopping Jefferson right now was Melody, but someday soon that wouldn’t be enough.
Melody’s soft words and kind face wouldn’t be able to stop Jefferson when he had his mind finally made up about everything. That would be two months from this point. Two months was all Rachel had left at Phillips even if she didn’
t know it at the time.
Jefferson’s eyes connected back with Rachel’s and he swallowed again, “We’ll talk about this later.”
Rachel nodded, planning on avoiding Jefferson till she had a plan of her own to deal with him, hoping the whole thing would just blow over.
The Williams were rich enough, they would make sure it would stay out of the papers and Jefferson would be getting nothing more than a slap on the wrist. What was the big deal? It wasn’t like there was going to be any real consequences, she just didn’t want to see Phillips get hurt but a bunch of lazy teenagers trying to get an easy grade.
When everything all came down, it was always about Phillips. Phillips her home, the place where her truest loyalty laid, she would protect it with all she had because it had given her so much.
Deep down Jefferson must have known that. He must have, it was the only reasonable explanation for what he did next. He wanted to feel invincible, and he knew he had to get Rachel out of the picture.
Two birds with one stone, wasn’t that how the saying goes?
Rachel looked at his hawk-like features and felt the will to survive welling up in her core, making her know she would never let him win. Not for anything.
He left and Melody closed the door after him, locking it and leaning against it, her small frame shaking from her own frayed nerves.
“You have to tell someone.” Elizabeth Brever said after sometime of silence.
Both Rachel and Melody looked at Elizabeth, with her too red hair and her perfect pouty lips, knowing she was only being logical, even if she was posing the impossible.
Rachel had always liked Elizabeth, she had the same drive for perfection Rachel possessed, but now, Rachel could see their differences.
“This really needs to be reported.” Heather Kroll spoke up, her face holding the same shock all of them felt.
Already Melody was shaking her head back and forth, trying to communicate the words she just couldn’t form, even if they were all over her face for anyone to read. No one had to report this. No one should say anything. Rachel had already stood up for what she believed in and look at the mess she was in.
“Heather’s right.” Elizabeth was more adamant this time around, “I’ve heard stories about him from upper classmen; he’s dangerous.”
It was Janice that was the first to speak out in defense of Jefferson, “He was just mad guys, that doesn’t make him a bad person.”
Rachel could practically taste the eye rolls that followed suit and she knew Janice’s opinion wasn’t a popular one.
“You heard about what he did last year, didn’t you? He got suspended for a month.” Elizabeth’s eyes were narrow and her bottom lip was trembling, mad that Janice would even pose the idea Jefferson was only acting like a regular person would.
“That was last year.” Janice stood her ground, “And really, does anyone believe Kelsey Horowitz?”
The shiver between Rachel’s shoulder blades finally got the best of her and it shook her torso almost violently. She had heard about Kelsey alright, everyone had, but it was just a rumor. A silly rumor told by a silly girl who was just looking for attention. Isn’t that what the teachers had told everyone while trying to quell the mindless chatter that was preparatory gossip?
Heather turned away from Janice and looked straight on at Rachel now, “You need to report this.”
And Rachel would have reported it. She really would have, but that would only put more pressure on her, and more pressure on Phillips. She wanted to report it, but in the end she couldn’t.
And Melody knew that, and Jefferson knew that, and everyone sitting in that room looking at her knew it.
She couldn’t say anything about what happened, because it would just cause more violence. It would just cause another outburst in her direction and she didn’t feel like dealing with it. Besides, she had so much more to get done. There was the winter formal everyone was so worked up about. And she could always use more time to get farther ahead in her classes, not to mention Ryan’s birthday in a month.
Rachel swallowed her fear, anxiety, and guilt all in one gulp and pressed ‘stop’ on the tape recorder. She had her proof, her evidence of her own negligence and she would consider all of her options later, but not right now. Now was not a time for action, but a time for retreat and sequester.
But Rachel was only staving off the inevitable. Deep down she knew that. That’s why she had been recording their conversations for a few weeks now. Kelly had told her to protect herself and she was. Or at least, she had talked herself into believing she was.
Charleston, West Virginia
June 16th 2010
Rachel
Rachel followed Kelly’s back as they walked towards the hotel Ethan had made reservations at.
The drive had taken close to forty hours and Rachel’s brain was frozen with fear and exhaustion, she hoped she wouldn’t have to see anyone she knew just yet. Jefferson’s letter chilled her more so than she thought it would and she felt the threat in every line he had carefully crafted.
He knew they would find Melody’s body and he knew she would be asked to return, it was only a matter of time. Jefferson was just trying to let her know he was still waiting for her.
Rachel heard Ethan and Logan joke about something behind her and she felt like she wanted to run back to the van, sit down and demand they take her home immediately. She shouldn’t be here, in this place. She shouldn’t be going to Phillips.
Rachel had lied about everything that happened and she still couldn’t protect Phillips. She still couldn’t make everything go away. Every decision she had ever made regarding Jefferson Williams was wrong and that terrified her more than anything else.
He knew they would find Melody’s body and he knew that she would be asked to return, it was only a matter of time. Jefferson was just trying to let her know that he was still waiting for her. His intended target.
He still held a tight grip on her throat, just like he had never let go, and now she was returning. Why in God’s name would she be going back there? This was wrong. This was all wrong.
As if Kelly sensed her apprehension he slowed down his pace and waited for her to be walking alongside him. His hand found hers and gave it light squeeze but didn’t let go. There were no words between the two of them but Rachel felt a little better.
She wasn’t completely alone. Was she?
At the hotel Ethan lead the way to check in and handed Rachel her key card. Their father had paid for all the rooms and Rachel was glad to be alone, but also apprehensive at the same time. When she was alone she couldn’t stop herself from thinking, which was something she most certainly did not want to do. With thinking came Jefferson Williams and Ryan Prescott and everything she thought she had left behind.
Although the letter didn’t contain any new information for her to obsess over, Rachel still couldn’t get it out of her mind. It had done the trick that Jefferson had wanted and she knew it. Part of Jefferson was winning. But hadn’t he already?
Now, with Melody’s body being found it was only a matter of time before everything all came to light.
The ulcer in her stomach twisted around painfully and Rachel wished for the second time that she hadn’t decided to come to this place. She had run away after all, left it all behind her in hopes that she could start life anew. This wasn’t supposed to be a part of the plan.
They walked up to their rooms and Logan and Ethan made plans together about finding something to eat after they put their things away. Rachel decided against venturing out anymore that day, she had to stay behind and call Grear after all. Had to let people know that she had arrived.
Rachel let the door to her hotel room close behind her without so much as caring that it was going to slam. She neatly put her suitcase on the bed and then sat next to it, holding her phone, trying to figure out the words she wanted to use with the headmistress. A part of Rachel knew they weren’t connected anymore, her and Grear, but another part, a larger
part, felt the Phillips girl pull in her to make sure she would be as respectful as possible. She had always liked Grear after all.
Finally, she let her thumb find the appropriate contact and she hit the call button.
It only took two rings. Two rings and half a breath.
“Phillips Administration office. How can I help you today?” An office worker formally answered and Rachel sighed, she forgot that she no longer could just ring through to Grear’s personal line.
She sucked in cold air and responded, “Yes, can I speak to Headmistress Grear, please?”
“May I ask what this is pertaining to?” The office worker was just doing her job but Rachel felt annoyed. She had every right to speak to Grear without the permission of a person she had probably never met. She was Rachel Gunn after all.
But instead, Rachel forced a pleasant voice for the lady and tried to sound as welcoming as possible, “Yes, this is Rachel Gunn; I’m calling in regards to speaking at Melody Jeffords’s memorial on Friday.”
“Of course.” The woman sounded unfazed, as if she was expecting this call. As if this was all completely normal. “I’ll transfer you right through, Miss Gunn.”
The transfer took all of thirty seconds and then Rachel was on the phone with Grear, talking to her old headmistress.
“This is Headmistress Grear.” The old familiar tones sounded through the earpiece and Rachel felt the knot in her gut get a little heavier. A little tighter.
“Hello.” Rachel swallowed, “Its Rachel Gunn.”
“Rachel!” Grear sounded warmer to hear her voice, to know that it was really her on the other end of the line, “I hope your flight was comfortable?”
Rachel thought back to the letter sitting in her purse and she bit her bottom lip, fighting the uncomfortable feelings this short conversation was causing. “Actually, we drove, but it was quite pleasant.”
“Well, that’s good to hear. And I’m glad you’re in town! Why don’t you stop by the campus tomorrow afternoon and catch up? The memorial isn’t until Friday, but I would so like to see you and hear what your future plans are.” Grear was faking her enthusiasm and both of them knew it. But it was just another obligation for them to hold up. Just another responsibility in a long list of things they had to get done.
