by Laura Gibson
“Of course, what time is free for you?” Rachel answered without thinking about it. Because, if she didn’t think about it she wouldn’t have to acknowledge that it wasn’t something she even felt remotely comfortable doing.
“How does two sound? I’ve got a meeting with the Prescotts for lunch and that should give me enough time to put things together for you.” Grear asked.
Rachel didn’t think her ulcer could hurt any more than it already did, but at the mention of Ryan’s family it proved her wrong. She knew that Ryan would be there, but again, it had been overshadowed by the poisonous mask of Jefferson Williams. She would have to speak to him at some point in time. Have to find something to say to him.
But what do you say to a person that knew everything and decided to do nothing? Rachel closed her eyes.
“Yeah, two should be fine.” Rachel swallowed her guilty feelings.
“Well, then, I’ll see you then.” Rachel heard the receiver click and she knew the conversation was over. But nothing was resolved. Nothing felt better.
Was anything going to feel better ever again?
Rachel sat in the dark of her hotel room for hours, knowing no one would come looking for her just yet. She had told them she wanted to take a nap. Be quiet and just exist for a little while before the memorial, before everything got underway.
But she couldn’t sleep. There was too much going through her mind to allow any sort of rest. So she did the only thing she could think of.
She went back to Phillips.
In the dark it was still easy to find that damned bench that everything seemed to center around. This was the place it all started for her and she wished for the first time that she had never met Jefferson Williams or Kelly Hill.
Chapter Seventeen
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
October 19th, 2008
Rachel
If it hadn’t been for Melody’s pleading, Rachel would have gone straight to Grear’s office. In fact, she still might be on her way there; she hadn’t really made up her mind about the whole thing.
All that she knew was that Jefferson was a different sort of a man. He had spent most of his time looking as put together as possible, when he finally let everything go it was more of an explosion of madness than real human expression. But she wasn’t scared yet. It would take more than someone losing control to frighten Rachel Gunn.
She had learned very well how to control herself, something that Jefferson seemed to still need some work on.
But what had gotten him all upset? Grear had told her that they didn’t really get in trouble, everything was going to go back to the way it was and no one was going to talk about it anymore. The solution was harmless and simple. So why the outburst?
Unless there was more to the story that Rachel didn’t know.
It seemed like that was always the case when it came to Jefferson and she wished she had never invited such complications into her life. How ridiculous was it that she couldn’t just have people around her that had the same mindset without all the drama? Rachel shook her head and sat down on the bench she had dubbed as her and Kelly’s.
Kelly was another reason for the complications, but he seemed more straightforward than the others, more open with the truth and less likely to try and spin it in a different direction. Or maybe he was just very clever and was in fact the least honest out of all of them.
Rachel cleared her throat and tried to think of a way out of her situation. Ryan hadn’t spoken to her and Melody really only ever tried to have a conversation with her when it involved other people, like the dance committee, other than that, she kept to herself.
What had she done that could have caused such ostracization? She was only doing what the right thing was and now she was the one being punished for it. Such an odd thing.
As if on cue, Kelly sat on the bench next to her, like he had been waiting for her to appear and maybe he had. Maybe he was following her. Rachel looked at him and never felt more unsafe. With everything that was happening it didn’t feel like she could get away.
But she had sat on the bench first, she reminded herself, this bench, the one that Kelly told her he would wait for her on. She had invited him to sit down with her very presence. Of course he would know. Everyone in that group always seemed to know everything before it was mentioned.
Rachel looked at Kelly and wondered what sort of man he was. Was he like Jefferson? Or was he simple and sweet like Ryan? Was he as vindictive as Melody? Or was he just Kelly? Lost in this as much as she was.
“Melody told me about what Jefferson did.” Kelly’s voice was low. A secret voice.
If Melody was still talking to him, what did that mean? Melody had made it clear they weren’t friends; she didn’t like Kelly, so why would she talk to him about anything? Especially something that could potentially harm Jefferson?
Rachel was silent, refusing to say anything. She felt in herself the fact that she didn’t trust Kelly as much as the rest of them. They all had ulterior motives and she was just a pawn to them. Moved around at their whim.
“You should be more careful.” Kelly continued, “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”
Rachel shrugged, “But I’m already in it, aren’t I?”
Kelly’s lip twitched with a smirk and his green eyes burned despite being hidden by the shade of the oak tree overhead. “There’s still time for you to back out.”
Rachel looked at Kelly and bit the inside of her cheek, thinking about her next move. It would be tricky, navigating the rough waters that were presented to her, but she had to know. If anything, Rachel had been born with an insatiable curiosity, a need for knowledge and now, here was a mystery laid out before her. A real, tangible mystery. What could be so terrible that they were all hiding it, but none of them were really talking to each other?
And why did everyone seem to dislike Kelly when he appeared as the most genuine?
Finally, Rachel made up her mind, sealed her fate and opened her mouth to speak. “I don’t want to back out.”
Kelly’s eyes narrowed and he sighed, “Rachel Gunn, you have some serious brass ones.”
Rachel felt herself smile, that was the first time anyone had referred to her as something more than a scholar. That was the first time anyone had ever taken note that she was anything more.
“You might as well tell me what’s coming, Kelly.” Rachel dared him to tell her truth and maybe he would have if something hadn’t tugged at the corner of his mouth and make him bite his tongue.
Kelly shook his head, “Its better if you don’t know, Rachel. It’s safe this way. I promise. Just stay away from Jefferson.”
Rachel frowned and began to formulate her argument but Kelly only chuckled at her, “Stop trying to figure it out, Rach. You gotta trust me on this.”
And Rachel wished that she had.
Life would have turned out so much more different if she just would have trusted Kelly and left well enough alone.
Later Kelly would tell her that he had it handled, that it was over, settled even, but by then it was too late to stop Rachel from unburying everything again, from making the mess the center of attention again.
That night he would be shouting at her, angry, worried tones that mixed together as Rachel’s eyes focused on the gun that he was holding in his hand.
But that would happen in December and right now, it was only October and Rachel didn’t know any better.
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
June 15th, 2010
Rachel
Rachel couldn’t remember walking back to the hotel, but it didn’t matter. She knew she had gotten there under her own power and at an ungodly hour. Her head pounded from the lack of sleep and her eyes felt swollen, if she didn’t know any better she’d think she was hung over.
She had left Phillips trying to protect Kelly and now Kelly was here, trying to protect her.
T
hey weren’t friends. They had never been friends. Life did not create them to be friends. They were something else. Comrades.
The word came so easily to her tongue Rachel tried it out in the three other languages she spoke fluently.
Compagno.
Compagnon d'armes.
Tovarishch.
Rachel could almost laugh at that. It was so silly now. She had spent so much time learning Italian and French together because the languages were similar to one another that when it came time to learn proper Spanish like she wanted, she changed her mind and moved over to learn Russian. Because she wanted a challenge.
Now, Rachel knew, she had found one.
Naive.
Naivnyy.
Traitor.
Predatel’.
She started the water for her shower and picked out her outfit for the day. If she was going to meet Grear for the first time in two years, she wanted to look like she was put together at least.
Rachel went over a mental list of all the things that Grear would want to get caught back up on and wasn’t surprised to see the pattern of how her education went outside of Phillips.
She would want to know if Rachel had picked out a college. Rachel wasn’t sure whether to lie or to tell her the truth. Did she want to placate Grear or did she want to hurt her?
Rachel’s bitterness had shadowed their previous conversation, the last meaningful conversation they had ever had and now she didn’t know if she wanted to let it continue on in its destructive path or if she wanted Grear to know that everything was going to be just fine.
The truth was–the short truth, not the full truth- nothing was ever going to be fine again.
Rachel knew that her leaving Phillips was just biding time. She knew it would never be as simple as just moving a few states away but she had hoped things would turn out different in the end.
Hope.
Nadezhda.
An hour later Rachel was exiting her hotel room, waiting for the other three, wishing she never had to do this at all.
Logan and Ethan were the first to join her in the hall. Logan made a joke about Kelly trying to make himself look pretty and Ethan laughed awkwardly. Forced. A hollow laugh that made Rachel feel even more guilty. He didn’t have to do this. He didn’t have to let her drag him down with her. But she had never been able to talk any sense into him, so why should now be any different?
“I think he’s trying to impress a girl.” Logan winked at Rachel and she stared at him. Did Logan really not understand by now? Or was he just trying to ease the tension of the group?
“I told him that he didn’t have to wear makeup for me.” Ethan joked back, “I don’t know why he insists.”
“Well, maybe if you took me somewhere nice for once things would be different.” Kelly emerged from his hotel room, closing the door behind him. He was smiling more this morning than he had been last night and Rachel wondered why. There was no reason to smile. For all she was concerned, they were marching to their deaths.
Fate.
Sud'ba.
“Baby, I’ll take you wherever you want to go.” Ethan laughed. “All you gotta do is say the word.”
“I bet you say that to all the pretty girls.” Kelly was laughing, not even bothering to look at Rachel. But that was alright. Let him have his day without the heavy guilt of knowledge weighing on his shoulders. She wouldn’t force his attention back on the problem at hand. She would never do that to Kelly. Not again.
“Just the ones I like.” Ethan winked at him and they started walking towards the elevator.
Their goal was an unspoken one. Everyone knew they were headed to Phillips, but no one wanted to bring it up. No one wanted to let the others know how they felt about it. Everyone thought it was a bad idea. So why were they all here?
Kelly, she could understand Kelly being here, but not Ethan, and definitely not Logan. Maybe this was what friends were supposed to be like. There till the very end. No matter how close that seemed.
They exited the elevator into the lobby and all three looked at Rachel.
“Where to, Rachel?” Ethan asked innocently enough. But Rachel felt the words echo in her soul. Where to, indeed?
She swallowed and looked at Kelly, wishing that he could just save her already. That he could just take it all away and everything could go back to the way it was two years ago. But no one could save Rachel. She had done this to herself.
Consequences.
“Posledstviya.” Rachel whispered and she saw Kelly frown. Everything sounded better in a foreign language. It tasted different, felt different, and was more final. But using Russian in front of Kelly was never a good idea, but then again, neither was any of this. Might as well just let it all out now.
Rachel cleared her throat and tried again, “I guess I could show you around Phillips before the meeting with Grear at two.”
Ethan shrugged, “If that’s what you want to do.”
That was the last thing Rachel wanted to do. But maybe it would make her feel more centered, like she wasn’t completely alone in this.
She had tried to protect Kelly and now she was thinking in Russian. What did that say about her brain?
It said she was one misfortune waiting to happen. That’s what it said.
Misfortune.
Neschast'ye.
Rachel smiled at her brother, “Yeah, and then we can get lunch on campus and everything.”
Ethan smiled back and they were all on the same page again, the page of not talking.
Silence.
Molchaniye.
The hotel was close to Phillips; it was built with the sole purpose of allowing families to visit their children attending the prestigious school and so walking over was simple.
In the light of day Phillips looked so much more different than it did the night before.
The sun filtered in through the trees and the well groomed lawn looked welcoming.
Rachel spotted the admissions and the library right away. Her old building was just off a ways, out of sight and Rachel knew that if she kept walking in that direction she would reach its doors in less than seventeen minutes.
They made their way to the center of the quad, towards the marble benches that Rachel knew all too well and she was interested to see if anyone was using her bench, the bench she had sat on the night before for hours, just thinking. Going over all the information that she had and all the secrets that she was trying to keep.
There were more people roaming about than was normal for a June morning but Rachel knew most of them just wanted to get a look at the roped off lacrosse field. No one was there for her.
As Rachel scanned the quad for anyone she might know her eyes caught sight of an envelope sitting on her bench.
Slowly she walked over, forgetting the others behind her and swallowed as shaking hands picked it up.
There was no name on the outside, nothing to mark it to its owner, but Rachel knew why it was there. She peeled open the envelope and removed the small piece of paper from inside. In script she knew all too well she read.
“Welcome back, Rachel, tell Kelly I said hi.”
Rachel fought the urge to look around and see his hawk face staring back at her. She stilled her frantic heart beats and tried to concentrate on her shaking hands. The less fear she showed, the better. To Jefferson this was a chess game.
“What is it, Rachel?” Ethan asked as the group finally caught up to her.
Rachel shook her head and smiled, putting the note in her purse next to the other one. “Just some trash, I’ll find a recycle bin for it.”
She purposefully avoided Kelly’s eyes as she addressed the three boys, “Well, what do you want to see first?”
“Well, I’ll be damned, Rachel Gunn and Kelly Hill. Who would have thought we’d you see you two together.” Ryan announced his presence, striding down the sidewalk as if out of dream.
He hadn’t changed in the two years that Rachel had seen him. He was still the same. Same shag
gy blond hair and sweet dimples that could make a girl melt.
“Ryan Prescott.” She smiled, putting her hands in the pockets of her green coat, she didn’t hold too much ill will towards Ryan, but that didn’t mean that she wanted to touch him.
Rachel felt the boys flanking her on either side, forming a defensive line. She wanted to laugh, what a ridiculous action. She didn’t need protecting from Ryan Prescott.
“I thought you were back in Hartford?” Ryan cleared his throat, looking at Kelly.
Kelly shrugged, “I was, and then I was in Agoura. Now I’m here.”
“How does your P.O. feel about that?” Ryan asked, his tone was civil, but his words hung in the air like poison.
Rachel felt Kelly tense next to her but he managed a tight lipped smile, “We have an understanding.”
Ryan chuckled, “Alright, whatever you say, man.” He looked at Rachel, “Later on do you want to grab a bite to eat or something? We could catch up.”
“Maybe.” Rachel glossed over the fact that Ryan had just dropped a bomb of information on them, planning on addressing it later.
“Cool.” Ryan flashed her one of his special smiles that used to make her weak in the knees and started walking towards the admissions office. “I’ll get a hold of you later.”
“See ya around.” Logan called after him, trying to sound intimidating.
When Ryan was out of earshot the boys collected around her like a gaggle of geese.
“Who was that?” Logan asked, sounding more curious than alarmed.
“Ryan Prescott.” Rachel answered, giving no more information.
“Kelly’s cousin.” Ethan clarified.
“Yes.” Rachel nodded.
“Your ex-boyfriend.” Kelly added.
