Causing Heartbreak

by Regina Bartley

He stepped off the porch and walked over by me. “It’s good to see you. Look at you.” His deep voice was familiar and sweet. He pointed to my tummy. “Wow. Can I?” The palm of his hand reached out in an attempt to touch my belly.

  “Uh,” I hesitated, but I could see the soft look on his face. “Sure.”

  He reached out and gently touched the bump. “I can’t believe it. My great nephew.” I eyed him with a growl. “Or niece.” He countered.

  When he lifted his hand away, he was still smiling. It was nice to see. I wasn’t expecting him to be so cool and collected. Of course, I figured it was all for show. That man was hurting like the rest of us.

  There was a bit of silence and I prayed he wouldn’t ask me the dreaded question. Because I knew, he wouldn’t like my answer. “You know, you’re the first person to ask me to touch my belly,” I said, trying to make light conversation. He was hurting too. The dark circles that lined his eyes was proof. Despite the smiles, there was still lots of sadness on his face.

  “What, they usually just touch it without asking?”

  “No, no one has touched it at all. Well, besides me.” I could see the sad look on his face. Sometimes I’m so stupid. I don’t know why I had to go and say something so dumb. Way to go Wren. “You’re lucky number one.” I smiled though it was forced.

  “Yes I am.” He smiled back. “You know that I still want to see that baby once it’s born, right? I hope you’ll let me.”

  “Of course you can.” I choked back the tears that threatened to spring free. “I have to go. I have a lot of stuff to do today.” I lied. I had to just get away. Seeing Jake’s dark shaggy hair and un-shaven face was too much of a reminder. Though Jake wasn’t Dane’s real uncle, the similarities were crazy.

  “Right, well it was good seeing you Wren. Don’t be a stranger okay?” He lightly patted my shoulder. Something my Dad would do.

  “I won’t. Bye Jake.” I waved and walked away quickly. I wanted to get home and prop my feet up on the bed. Close myself off a bit from today’s journey. A fifteen minute walk had turned out to be far too tiring and heartbreaking. More than I could handle for that day.

  I ASKED MOM NOT TO GO WITH ME to my shrink appointment today. She had been neglecting her work far too much lately. She worked from home, but I knew that she was spending every waking moment trying to tend to me. And I was spending every waking moment, trying to avoid mother-daughter bonding sessions. Her intentions were good, but I had been far too angry and upset to talk with her. For some reason, everything she would say would piss me off. It was much easier to appease her and cut the conversations short, rather than upset her.

  She really wanted to come with me today, but all she would have done was sit in the waiting area. I told her maybe next time, but after today I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to come back.

  There were several Doctors in this same building. All shrinks I supposed. Several people were in the waiting area to be seen. I signed myself in and took a seat in the back of the room. People were staring. I knew it was the bump. A pregnant teenager screams attention. I was nineteen though. I shot glares back in their direction, hoping that would give it a rest. No use. I mean seriously being a pregnant teen was nothing new. Hell, there was an entire show based around it, and those dang girls were like fifteen.

  I brought my journal just in case I had to wait for a while. From the looks of this place, it was going to be longer than a while.

  I reached into my bag to get it out. While I was bent over digging into my bag, a voice startled me.

  “What you in for?” The smooth voice spoke, and I turned around in my chair swiftly.

  A pair of emerald green eyes were attached to a beautiful face. A mysterious face.

  “Are you talking to me?” I asked, but I knew that he was. He was staring right at me. For some reason, I couldn’t find the words, and that was the first thing to come out.

  He grinned at me revealing the cutest little dimple on his cheek.

  “Yeah, I was.” He reached his arm around the back of my chair.

  I eyed him. Who did he think he was? “Comfortable?”

  “Sorry,” he pulled his arm back. “I just saw you sitting over here by yourself and I wanted to talk to you. You seemed kind of aggravated or something.”

  “And you thought what? That I needed a friend or something?” Aggravated didn’t even begin to cover my mood. I pulled my journal into my lap trying to ignore him. I wasn’t some basket case that needed a friend or something.

  He didn’t move. He stayed right there in the chair next to me. I could feel his eyes burning into me.

  “You want go get some coffee later or something?” He asked.

  “Are you for real? What are you, a Schizophrenic?”

  A laugh escaped his lips, a hearty, manly laugh. “No, I’m a serial killer.” His eyes narrowed on mine.

  My jaw dropped and I instinctively leaned back.

  He leaned in a little closer and whispered. “I’m kidding. Stop looking at me like that.” He half smiled and I finally released the breath I was holding.

  I was still a bit leery of him.

  “Honestly, I don’t normally come talk to random strangers, at least not here, but I really wanted to talk to you. Turns out, I’m not doing that great of a job.”

  “Listen, I don’t even know you. The smart thing to do would be to introduce yourself first before you go asking someone out on a date. And if you think I would even consider it, you’re wrong. I’m sorry. I’m not interested.” I said with conviction. “And don’t ever tell her you’re a serial killer. Big mistake.”

  “To be honest, I wouldn’t normally act like this. I’m usually so cool. I could do this in my sleep, but you make me nervous.” I knew he wasn’t kidding. From the look of him, he screamed ladies’ man. “It was worth a shot. My name is Bentley by the way.”

  “Wren,” I said back.

  “That’s a beautiful name.”

  “Oh, stop it already.” I rolled my eyes.

  “Sorry,” he laughed. His dark hair shook loose onto his face.

  “You do realize that I am pregnant right? I’m not just fat.”

  “I know.” He answered like it was no big deal.

  “That’s just weird. Who asks a pregnant girl out?”

  “Me I suppose. I mean I don’t make it a habit. I just wanted to talk to you and maybe ask you for coffee, but I failed miserably.”

  “I’m not going to argue with you there.” I huffed. “So, why don’t you go find someone else to bug.”

  How much more obvious did I have to be? This boy had no chance in hell with me.

  “I like the view over here better.”

  I glared at him from the corner of my eye.

  He put both hands up in the air as if he were surrendering. “I’m sorry.” He laughed again.

  “No you’re not.”

  “You’re right, I’m not.”

  It was hopeless.

  He was hopeless.

  Very good looking, but still hopeless.

  “Bentley,” the woman behind the counter called out, she didn’t even say his last name, “Your dad is free now, you can go on back.”

  Well, that explains it.

  He’s not even a patient. I refrained from rolling my eyes once again. In the back of my mind, I wondered why the hell he’d even consider talking to me in the first place. I was a patient, with God knows what kind of problems. He didn’t know me from Adam.

  “I’m not done trying with you.” He promised.

  “All I’m hearing is blah, blah, blah.” My jaw was clenched.

  A smile played on his lips. “Fiery. I like that in a woman.”

  “I’m also hormonal. My ankles are swelling, and I have a bad case of hemorrhoids.” My face never cracked. I didn’t really have those symptoms yet, but he didn’t need to know that.

  He stood up from his chair. “You don’t scare me.”

  “You don’t attract me.”

  “Yo
u’ve wounded me.” He held his hand over his heart and winked at me. “It’s a good thing you attract me then.” He walked away.

  He seriously just winked at me.

  I had never met anyone so persistently annoying in my life.

  Even if I hadn’t been completely heart broken, I still wouldn’t date anyone in my condition. The thought was crazy.

  As I sat there replaying our conversation in my mind, I kept wondering what the hell had just happened. My mood had shifted though. For the five minutes we had sat there, he managed to keep my mind off of my problems. It was weird feeling. He tried hard to use his good looks and charms, but it would take more than a pretty face for me. I had a feeling it was going to take several years, and possibly several miles before I would be fully recovered.

  “Wren Porter,” the lady, called out.

  I gathered my things and walked towards the desk. The lady held my folder and walked me into the room.

  The doctor was already in there waiting. That was unusual to me, but then again, I had never seen a shrink before. He seemed kind of young for a doctor. Maybe late twenties, early thirties. He was very laid back. He wore a pair of khakis and a plaid button down shirt with a collar.

  “You must be Wren,” he stated as he read my paperwork that the lady had handed him. I didn’t answer. I’m sure he wasn’t interested in hearing my smart ass remark.

  “I’m Doctor Miller.” His smile was polite. “How far along are you?”

  “Sixteen weeks.”

  “Are you excited about the baby?” He asked.

  Was I?

  I had to think about it. No one had asked me that before.

  “Honestly, I haven’t had time to be.” I shifted in my seat. The soft cushions of the couch didn’t seem too soft at that moment.

  “What do you mean?”

  No matter how much I didn’t want to talk about it, I knew that that was the reason I was here and there was no way he was letting me out of there until I talked.

  “It was a shock when I first found out. I was sad and scared, because it was a result of a one night stand.” I paused a moment. When I looked at Doctor Miller, he was waiting patiently for me to continue. “Dane, the father, didn’t care for me the way I did him.”

  “You’re in love with him?” He questioned. The pencil moving swiftly against the paper.

  He looked up at me and I nodded my head.

  “Have you told him about the pregnancy?”

  “Yes,” I took a deep breath.

  “What did he say?”

  “A lot of bad things. Nothing I hadn’t heard before.” I admitted rubbing my hands together gently.

  “How does that make you feel?” He stopped writing and studied my face. Secretly I thought maybe he was a mind reader. The way he looked at me, it was as if he could sense what I was about to say. Part of his job requirements I suppose.

  “Never once has he had the same feelings for me that I have him. I guess maybe I got my hopes up after he spent that night with me, but that’s what I get for thinking.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  Oh, I see your games Doctor. How, What, Why, Where, and When. This was clearly a one-sided conversation.

  “I’ve loved him since I was like eight or something. I still do, but his intentions have always been clear. He doesn’t reciprocate.”

  “Do you think maybe he’ll come around, once you’re farther along in the pregnancy?”

  “No,” I looked down. Anywhere but into the eyes of the doctor.

  He tapped the edge of the pencil against the paper. “Why do you say that?”

  I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t want to say the words.

  Please don’t make me say it.

  “Why?” He asked again.

  Clearly he wasn’t going to let this one go.

  My leg shook with nervousness. One minute turned into two and then into five. It made me so angry. I was angry at myself for getting so worked up, and angry at the Doctor for asking me more than once. Why couldn’t he just say times up?

  Just say it already.

  “Clearly we have touched on a sore subject, but I promise it helps to talk about it.”

  “What do you want me to say?” I yelled. “That he’s dead. That he died last week. That he’ll never see his son or daughter. That even if he were still alive, he probably wouldn’t see the baby then either.” The tears welled in my eyes, as my anger took over.

  “I want you to say what you need to say to feel better. If screaming at me helps, then do it.” He rolled his chair a little closer to me. “I’m not going to tell you what everyone else has already said. What I am going to tell you is that being angry is okay, even if the person you’re angry with is dead. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you wrong or right. It’s a feeling, and we can’t help how we feel.”

  I knew what he was saying was right, but it didn’t make it any easier. I wished that he would say something to take away the pain. The hurt was too much.

  “Let’s switch it up a bit.” He suggested.

  A little late for that.

  “What are your plans? Are you living at home with your parents right now?”

  “Right now I am, but it’s not the best scenario for me and the baby. I mean they’ll let me stay as long as I want to, but I think I need to get my own place.” I explained. “Honestly though, the thought scares me. I feel like I need to be close to my mom once the baby gets here because I won’t know what to do.”

  “Are you in school?”

  “I was, but I only finished one semester.” I sighed, shaking my head. My whole life Dane had weaseled his way in and messed up everything. I skipped my senior prom, because he didn’t want to go with me. And the night of graduation I made a last minute decision to stay close to home and go to school because stupid me didn’t want to be too far away from him. I was always afraid that someone would swoop in and take him, and I couldn’t let that happen. Talk about stupid and childish. “There’s no way I can go back now, at least not until after the baby is born.”

  “People do it every day. It is possible you know.” He replied. His gravelly voice wasn’t quite as annoying as it was at first.

  “Not this person.” I glared.

  He smiled.

  He’d probably didn’t have too many red-headed patients, at least not one who was as big of a smart ass, as me. We were only just scratching the surface, and I was holding back. Wonder what he’d think of me if I didn’t hold back at all?

  I laughed at the thought.

  “I think it would be good for you to talk to your parents about moving out.” He suggested. “If that’s what you really want.”

  I nodded.

  He put the pencil back to the paper. “It would be something that you could look forward to, and it’d probably help keep your mind off of things. A nice distraction wouldn’t hurt.”

  I didn’t answer, but it was a great idea. I knew that they would help me if it’s what I really wanted.

  “We are about out of time.”

  I looked at him then towards the clock on the wall. The time had passed much quicker than I expected it to.

  “Anything else you’d like to say before we part today?”

  “I could use a job.” I folded my arms in my lap.

  He gave me a questionable look before I continued. “My parents will probably suggest that I at least have a part time job if they are going to help me move out.”

  His chin raised into the air, and his dark eyes narrowed in my direction. He was thinking heavily about something, but I couldn’t decipher what it was.

  “You good with kids?” He asked.

  I laughed. “I sure hope so.” I pointed towards my tummy.

  “Right,” he laughed too. “I have two young boys and an older boy around your age. My oldest son works a lot so he can’t help out much.”

  “What are you getting at?”

  He shook his head and smirked at me.

&n
bsp; “I was thinking that your attitude would be perfect for watching my two little troublemakers. We need a nanny about three or four days a week.” He leaned forward in his chair. “You interested?”

  Was I? I could totally do that. I wouldn’t have to worry about seeing a bunch of people at a crazy job in town. This would be way better.

  “I am.”

  “Well then,” he nodded his head. “You go home and discuss things with your parents, and I will tell my wife. Then when you can come back next week for your next appointment, I’ll let you know when you can start.”

  “Ugh,” I groaned. “My next appointment. I have to come back. Can’t you just give me some kind of blue or green happy pill and call it a day.”

  “No,” he stood up from his chair with a big smile across his face. “I wasn’t that bad, now was I?”

  I looked up at him through my hooded lashes.

  “Don’t answer that.” He pointed. “I’ll see you next week. Stop at the desk out front to set up your next appointment.”

  “Fine.” I stood up from the couch and walked over to the door. “Thank you,” I whispered. It was just loud enough for him to hear.

  I hurried out the door but not before I heard him yell, “I heard that, and you’re welcome.”

  I smiled.

  I smiled big, and it felt so good. It wasn’t an act, it was a genuine, open mouth, full on teeth smile.

  As bad as I hated to admit it, the whole shrink thing wasn’t such a bad idea after all. I felt like it was exactly what I needed. Well, maybe not exactly, but I did feel a little better. At least for today anyway. I’d have to wait and see what visit two would bring, but I was a lot more hopeful about it than before.

  I’D SAT IN MY ROOM FOR A LITTLE while after I got back from my visit with Doctor Miller. Our entire thirty-minute conversation replayed over and over in my head. He made some great points about my future, and him offering me a job was more than I could have hoped for. This time last year things were so different. Life was fun and exciting. I looked forward to getting up and seeing my friends. I was an outgoing, outspoken, exciting girl.

  You wouldn’t have known that now. I’m a zombie. But for one split second today, I felt like my luck could be looking up.