Causing Heartbreak

by Regina Bartley

  “You’re not a teenager anymore Wren. You’re an adult, and about to be a mother. If your daughter were in this situation what would you tell her?” He asked.

  Stupid Doctor.

  I hated the way he always made me think.

  “That she has her whole life ahead of her. That she can’t let a boy stand in the way of her future.”

  “Uh huh.” He smiled.

  “Seriously,” I blew out a loud, exasperated breath. “Look I get it Doc, but it hurts so badly.”

  “I know it does, and it will continue to hurt. Moving on doesn’t completely heal you. It will always hurt, and there is always a place for him in your heart, but you can’t let it consume you. You have to be the best mother you can be, and if you let this depressive state eat you up then you’ll miss out on all of the wonderful moments. Eventually, you will have to let go.”

  “I know.” I wiped my face clean. “But I’m not ready yet. I need a little more time.”

  “Since we’ve slid by the Bentley subject then I want to go back to that really quick.”

  I looked up at him and saw him place the notebook on his desk behind him.

  “This is me talking to you as his father and not your doctor. Understand?”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “He has no idea what you have been through, but to be honest he wouldn’t care either way. He has his sights on you, and although I have grown to be very close to you,” he paused.

  “You don’t think it’d be a good idea for him to be with me. I understand.” I wasn’t mad. I felt that way too. He was way too good for me.

  “Not entirely. It’s not that you aren’t good for him. It’s that you are about to be a mother, and I don’t think he is ready for that kind of responsibility. My wife, on the other hand, feels differently. She adores you. Not that I don’t.” He smiled.

  “It’s okay. I wouldn’t dare try and pin this responsibility on someone else. You have nothing to worry about. It could take years for me to be ready to have any kind of relationship.”

  “That’s the thing. I was worried. I’m okay now. That boy has his heart set. Nothing I can do will change it. I know what he’s feeling. If you’re just going to break his heart then, you need to get it over with, because it’s no fun to love someone who won’t love you back.”

  His eyes narrowed at me, and the hidden meaning behind his words were clear.

  The right words to say were nowhere to be found. I needed to say something. It’s just that I never really looked at it that way. I thought our relationship was unusual, but it worked. We were friends. He was company to my lonely heart. I didn’t want to hurt him. He had to know that things could never be the way he envisioned them to be.

  No way in the world would I want to lose his friendship, but I can’t love. I’m incapable. Until my heart healed, I would never be able to move on.

  “Time’s up.” He said. “Think about what I said.”

  I shook my head.

  “And Wren.”

  “Yeah.”

  “If you ever opened your heart back up, you may find that someone could love you as much as you love them.”

  Right.

  I waved goodbye and left. That visit had been one of the tougher ones. One that made me think. I didn’t do well with having to think about my feelings.

  All I wanted to do was go home and snuggle up on my couch and drown my sorrows in a Julia Roberts movie. That red-head gets me.

  Best friends or hookers? Hmmm. I thought.

  Hookers!!!

  I HOPED THAT SHE WOULDN’T BE mad about me just showing up, but I wanted to surprise her with food and a little something I bought for the baby.

  I walked down the long sidewalk that led up to her apartment. This place seemed fitting for her. It was classy and well maintained. She was a super clean freak.

  I knocked on door #112 and waited. I looked around. I knew that I had seen her car in the lot, but she wasn’t answering.

  Dammit. I should have called first.

  I knocked once more before turning to leave.

  “Bentley.”

  I turned around to her familiar voice. Her red hair was tangled on the top of her head, and her sleepy eyes stared into mine.

  “What are you doing here?”

  I held up the bag of food, and she smiled. “I thought you might be hungry. I know it’s a bit late, but I just got off work. I had to get myself food.” I shrugged.

  “That was sweet of you. You didn’t have to.” She held the door open for me to come in.

  “I’m sorry I woke you up.” I walked in carrying the bags.

  “It’s okay. I shouldn’t have been sleeping. I had just started my movie and I guess I dozed off.”

  I sat the bags on the table and took out the food. “What were you watching?”

  “Pretty woman.”

  I cocked an eyebrow at her.

  “It’s the red hair.” She said with a smile.

  “Where are your forks?”

  “I’ll get them.” She scooted around me and into the kitchen. She came back with two forks in hand.

  “I can’t believe you did all this. I didn’t think I was hungry, but seeing all this food makes me think otherwise.”

  We stuffed our faces and talked about our day. Well, I did. She didn’t say too much. Only that she had a visit with my dad, but there were no details. Never any details.

  “Oh before I forget.” I reached for and handed her the bag and gift. “Here.”

  “What’s this?”

  “Just look in the bag.”

  She opened it and looked inside. She looked at the gift then back at me.

  “Open it all the way.”

  She laughed. “You are awfully sure aren’t you?”

  The tiny pink blanket had the letter B stitched into the edge. I couldn’t resist, when I saw it in the store. I knew that she’d think I was crazy and most likely she’d laugh. So I had to get it.

  “I knew that you would get a good laugh. She needs a good strong name for her since we’ll most likely be sharing birthdays.”

  “Thank you so much. I love it.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  She shook her head and released another pent up laugh. That adorable laugh that I could listen to for hours. This girl had her hooks into me so hard, and she didn’t even know it. Or maybe she did and she just pretended not to.

  She covered her belly with the pink blanket and I couldn’t help the crazy thoughts that ran through my head. About how it would be if I could be a part of this. A part of it all. No matter how much that I wanted it, I had to be realistic. She would never let that happen.

  “You want to stay and watch the movie with me, or do you have to go home?”

  I brushed my sweaty palms along my jeans. I wasn’t expecting her to ask me and I immediately clammed up like a sixteen-year-old boy.

  “That sounds good.” I knew we were about to watch the all-time chick flick, but I didn’t give a shit. I’m sure I wouldn’t be paying attention anyway. They could be playing the damned World Series and she would still distract me.

  “Okay, let me clean this mess up. You go get comfortable on the couch. It won’t take me but a second.” She gathered the trash on the table.

  “I’ll help.”

  She didn’t argue. We danced around the table and past one another in sync. I made sure to brush against her when I passed. If she noticed she never said.

  She was quite a bit shorter than my six foot frame. She had to look at me, and I thought that was the hottest thing ever. It felt powerful. Not in a scary kind of way, more like a manly, bruting sort of way.

  Even sitting down next to one another I could see directly over her head. She was so cute.

  She got comfortable on one side of the couch, and I sat on the other end. Far enough away that she wouldn’t try to run or jump away. She leaned over onto the arm of the couch and curled her legs under her butt, trying to get comfortable.

  I
patted my legs for her to kick up her feet.

  Maybe that was a bad idea.

  She eyeballed me as if I had two heads.

  I patted my legs again.

  She finally relented and placed her feet on top of my legs. I gently placed my arms across them and went right back to watching the movie. I didn’t want her getting the wrong idea. I could feel her staring at me. I tried to act like her touching me was just another thing. That it didn’t bother me at all.

  When I thought really hard about it, it’d piss me off. Knowing how I felt and that she somewhere deep down, inside felt the same way but she would hold back. Like no one was allowed to have feelings.

  I glared at the television like I was in a trance. After a few long minutes, I felt her relax. When I finally turned to look at her she had drifted off to sleep.

  God she was gorgeous. Just the way she took light breaths made my stomach knot up. I lightly brushed my thumb along her ankle and watched her sleep. How was I going to get this girl to come around? To see me as something other than a friend.

  She was so peaceful in her sleep. I wanted to hold her so close to me, and protect her from everyone. I never knew that I could have such strong feelings for someone that I knew so little about. It was just something inside me had attached to her.

  My heart.

  Every single day I thought about her. The way she would flip her hair out of her face when it aggravated her. The way she would run her fingers along her stomach when she was deep in thought, the way her brown eyes almost looked gold in some lights. The way she pushed her food apart on her plate so that nothing touched. Just the little things. Those little things that make you wonder how someone so small and fragile could always seem so broken. She was hiding. I was only getting a fraction of her real self. Even though she had opened up more recently, she still was not her full self. I just knew she wasn’t.

  Something about waiting for her made sense. It was like I couldn’t help myself.

  All of these years of chasing girls I never once would picture myself falling so completely head over heels for someone. Not like this. It filled up my chest like a ton of bricks. It made me want to do crazy things, to snap myself back into reality. I needed to talk to someone about this because I felt like I was going crazy.

  I slid her legs off of my lap and placed them on the couch. I stood up and went to her side. I reached my arm under neck and the other just under her butt lifting her up off the couch. Even pregnant she was light as a feather.

  Her tiny little arms hugged me close, and I had to suck in a breath. This fucking girl was killing me. Literally, my heart couldn’t take it. I wanted her so bad.

  I leaned my head down and rested my cheek against her warm forehead. I closed my eyes and tried to keep my breathing normal. I carried her back to her bedroom and put her to bed. I didn’t bother with changing her clothes. No need to freak her out.

  I pulled the cover up around her and glanced at her one more time. Bending down, I kissed her cheek lightly brushing the hair back away from her face.

  “I think I love you Wren.” I kissed her once more and walked out the door. Walked out both doors. I made sure to lock it behind me, but I had to get the hell out of there.

  THE DAYLIGHT HAD BROKEN THROUGH MY WINDOW, but I had no intentions of getting up. My phone, on the other hand, was screaming at me to wake up. It would not stop ringing. The ringtone was set to some stupid ass annoying song that played over and over. As soon as I could get my fingers around it, it was going to get tossed across the room at warp speed.

  “Where are you?” I was talking to my phone and strip searching my night stand. Everything that sat there was now on the floor. My eyes would not open. I tried.

  Ugh!

  Didn’t these people know that I liked my sleep?

  I didn’t call their houses and wake them up.

  Bitches.

  It finally stopped ringing, but I was already too much awake to go back to sleep. The bed creaked as I sat up. I hadn’t realized that I was still in my clothes. Finally, it clicked. The last thing that I remembered was a movie on the couch with Bentley. I hadn’t walked myself to this bed. He must have carried me. He had to.

  Reaching for and rubbing the length of my arms that were cascaded with goose bumps, caused me to shiver.

  It frightened me to think that he was becoming so attentive. His dad was right, and if I didn’t get a handle on this quickly then too many hearts would get broken.

  I roused from my bed, and finally spotted my phone. No wonder I couldn’t get to it. It was in the chair.

  I checked my missed calls and they were all from Layla, Bentley’s mom. I wondered if she needed to go and work. I didn’t want her to think that I was avoiding her. Hastily, I dialed her back.

  “Hello,” she answered.

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t quite out of bed yet when you called.”

  “Oh, that’s okay dear. I was thinking that today would be a great day for shopping and I wanted you to come along. Then later you can have dinner at our house.”

  Um…

  It didn’t feel right. She was such a sweet and thoughtful lady, but I couldn’t let her carry on like this.

  “I don’t know. Uh,” I hesitated. “I have a lot to do today.”

  “Nonsense. It’s not every day that I get to treat someone to shopping. We will have a girl’s day. Just the two of us.” She proceeded, springing a downfall of guilt over my head. She had to go and say girl’s day.

  “Okay.” I agreed.

  “Wonderful, I’ll pick you up in an hour?”

  “Sure.” I packed as much enthusiasm into my voice as I could.

  Placing the phone on my charger, I went to take a shower. I had a feeling this was going to be a tiring, exhausting day, and I needed to be as prepared as possible.

  Four hours later we finally pulled into her driveway. As bad as I hated to admit it, we really had a good day. She’d taken me to several stores and insisted on buying tons of things for the baby. No matter how hard I had refused she wouldn’t take no for an answer. We ended up with a trunk load of stuff.

  I felt guilty because of all the money she had spent. Whether she wanted to or not, it still felt wrong for me to accept the gifts.

  “I want you to know that I have had so much fun today. Sometimes it gets tiring trying to keep up with the ladies around here. It felt nice just to relax and have a little retail therapy with someone who cared nothing about the size of my bank account.” She said stepping out of the car.

  “To be honest, I was a little nervous because I haven’t had a whole lot of interaction with the outside world lately. But I really had a good time, and I can’t thank you enough for all the wonderful gifts. This baby will be spoiled rotten.” I closed the car door behind me and followed her to the house.

  “Of course she will. She’s supposed to be.” She smiled a tender smile.

  I hadn’t spoken to Bentley since the carry-me-to-bed incident the other night. Probably pathetic, but I was lurking around the corners of the house following Layla and hoping he wouldn’t be there.

  Silently I kicked myself wondering when things got to this point. Why couldn’t I just tell him that there was no way the two of us would end up together? All these feelings that seemed to stir up my insides were not helping my situation. I wanted the line that separated love and friendship to be thick as thieves. Like one of those fat sharpies. He needed to know that crossing my imaginary sharpie line was more than I could handle.

  I helped Layla prepare dinner in the kitchen. She turned on some music and we were singing along and cooking away. I never heard anyone else enter. So when I turned to see those green eyes locked on me, I wondered how long he’d been standing there.

  There was a look in his eyes that I didn’t recognize. One that I’d seen before, but had never been able to read. It was deep and longing. So much so, that my cheeks flushed, and it sent a tingling sensation all the way to my toes. His lean body was leaned against
the door frame, and his arms were folded across his chest. My eyes left his but traveled lower to his lips, then the scruffiness on his chin, all the way down his chest.

  He was a beautiful guy.

  Not the typical beauty that a person sees instantly, but a mysterious, not so average beauty that no matter how hard you tried to deny was always there.

  “Hey there. Did you come to help?” His mother asked him and he stepped farther into the kitchen.

  “I think I’d just be in the way. Seems like you two are having enough fun without me.”

  I felt his eyes on me, but I was looking anywhere but in his direction.

  Layla laughed and waved absentmindedly in his direction. When I finally raised my eyes to his face, there was a small smile there. I quickly fumbled, and went back to what I was doing. He reached for a veggie from my salad and turned to leave.

  I carried on, but when I looked over at Layla she was suspiciously eyeing me, but I pretended not to notice. That was a look I was all too familiar with. I’d seen that same expression on my mother’s face that day Bentley came to my house to help me move. That knowing smirk that couldn’t be washed off with an S.O.S pad and bleach.

  At that moment all I could think about was how quickly we could get through this dinner, and whether or not there would be any more embarrassing moments on my behalf. I sure hoped not.

  DINNER WAS SO DAMN GOOD, BUT AS I SAT next to Wren I knew that she was uncomfortable. Both my Mom and Dad tried hard to keep the conversation light and she answered everything that they asked, but she seemed so lost. Obviously she had a lot on her mind, and she looked so tired. I’ve been shopping with my mother so I knew how brutal it could be.

  I tried several times to get her to look at me, but she wouldn’t. Even when I made attempts, like nudging her in the arm with my elbow or pretending that I was going to jab her leg with my fork. She would smile but look in every direction except mine.

  This fucking game she was playing was messing with my head. I wasn’t crazy. I saw the way that she looked at me earlier, and I felt it too. Anytime she let herself get to that point she would over think it, and we’d be right back where we started.