Causing Heartbreak

by Regina Bartley

  “Because he said he wanted all or nothing. I can’t give him all. I can barely give him anything. Dane hasn’t been gone that long. I’m not ready to replace him. It hurts so much.”

  “Come here.” She pulled me to her and wrapped her arms around me. “Listen to me. I know why you came here. Deep down inside you feel like you’re betraying Dane and me too.” She gently patted my back. “You have to know that you’re not betraying me or anyone. You’re only human, and you have loved two people in your lifetime. That’s wonderful Wren. If Dane could see you right now, he’d be glad that you’re happy and taken care of. He knew that he’d never be able to give that to you.”

  “Even if he could have, he never wanted me.” I sobbed into her chest.

  “I don’t believe that for a second. We won’t ever know for sure, but I believe that he loved you enough to push you away. To keep you out of his lifestyle. He never did that to the fast girls that came in and out of his life. Only you. He knew you were better. You were good and pure. You didn’t deserve to get messed up in that shit that he was involved in.”

  “You really believe that?” I asked.

  She pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “Yes I do. With all of my heart, I believe it. And I believe that he’d want you to be happy and take care of this baby. He would want you to find love again, with a person as good as you.”

  “Bentley is a good person. Too good for me. He really loves me, and I can’t even be honest with him. He knows nothing about the father of my baby. I can’t talk about it. I can’t. It would break me all over again telling him, and he would think I was the biggest fool. I’m not ready.”

  “If he loves you like you say he does then he will understand. I know it.” She replied with a sensitive look in her eyes.”

  “What if he doesn’t?”

  “Stop, he will.”

  “I can’t. I just can’t.” I leaned over to the arm of the couch and rested my head.

  “You can’t help who you fall in love with Wren, and it is okay to love. You and the baby deserve it. The crazy thing about love is that it blindsides you when you least expect it. There is no stopping it and it happens so fast that it frightens the shit out of you. But it’s an amazing feeling, and it’s about time you got to experience that for yourself.” She shook her head. “I got something for you.”

  She stood up from the couch and walked to the kitchen. Just a moment later she was back with a box in hand.

  “I thought that Dane would be buried with this because he never took it off, but it was found broken next to the place he was found that evening in the graveyard. I had it fixed and I think that you should have it.”

  I already knew what it was. My breath hitched. I wanted it so bad.

  She pulled the silver chain from the box and handed it to me. I love that plain silver chain. It hung from his neck since his thirteenth birthday. He never took it off.

  “Maybe when the baby gets older you can pass it to her.” The tears were falling from Sawyer’s cheeks and mine. We were a mess, but this was the sweetest thing I could ever have.

  “Are you sure Sawyer?” I wiped my face.

  “Yes. I’m positive. He’d want you to have it, and so do I.”

  I hugged her tightly. “Thank you so much. I love you.”

  “I love you too. You want something to drink?”

  “Yeah, do you have hot chocolate?” My shoulders lifted like I was a child. “It’s a pregnancy craving. Just started two days ago, and I can’t seem to get enough.”

  She laughed. “Give me a few minutes.”

  I slid the necklace over my head and clasped it tight between my hands. There was no way I was taking it off. This was the best gift ever. Now I’d always carry a little piece of him with me.

  Talking with Sawyer was the best thing I could have ever done. Nothing was solved, but I felt a million times better.

  I laid my head back on the arm of the chair. I yawned. I was a lot more tired than I realized. I’d just close my eyes for a moment.

  AS I LAID THERE IN MY BED, I couldn’t get my mind off of her. She was all I ever thought about. It had only been a few days, but it felt like a lot longer. The days lingered when I didn’t get to see her or talk to her.

  I couldn’t understand why she had to be so damn stubborn. It wasn’t that hard to tell someone how you were feeling. She was so scared, like a deer in the headlights.

  I groaned and stared up at the ceiling. It wasn’t even bedtime and already I just wanted to cover up my pounding head and sleep. For days.

  My phone rang, and I blinked twice thinking my eyes were deceiving me. It was Wren.

  “Hello,” I answered.

  “Bentley,” the voice said but it wasn’t Wren.

  “Yeah, who’s this?”

  “This is Sawyer. I’m Wren’s best friend.” She said.

  “Oh yeah, she’s talked about you before. Wait, is everything okay? The baby?” I asked worried. It wasn’t Wren’s voice something had to have been wrong.

  “No, no, she’s fine. The baby is fine. She’s asleep on my couch. She doesn’t even know that I’m calling, and she’d probably be mad if she knew.”

  “Okay, so there must be some reason why you’re calling me.”

  “There is. Do you love Wren?” She asked me.

  I didn’t know why she was asking. It wasn’t really any of this girl’s business, but I had no reason not to answer truthfully.

  “Yes I do.”

  “Good. I know that you probably think I’m crazy for calling, but I wanted you to know the truth. If you wait around for her to tell you then, you’ll never know. She told me that you guys weren’t really talking right now, and she is truly broken because of it.”

  “I knew she would be and I’m sorry. I just couldn’t give her everything and get nothing in return. It kills me.” I admitted, to a girl that I knew nothing about. “She’s keeping something from me, because she is constantly running and avoiding every serious conversation that I try to have.”

  “I’ll tell you why.”

  There was a little pause before she spoke again. “Wren and I have been friends since we were kids. And from the moment she was old enough to like boys she has been in love with my brother.”

  I swallowed the golf ball size lump in my throat.

  “We’re talking from the age of like ten. She was head over heels for him. She dreamed that one day she’d marry him.”

  I couldn’t listen to this. “I can’t.”

  “Wait, just let me finish, please. You don’t owe me anything, but I promise this is important. “

  “Okay.”

  “My brother Dane was a troubled guy. We lost both our parents in a car accident, and after that he just sort of spiraled out of control. He was in a constant state of high. There were lots of drugs and alcohol. She continued to love him. With everything, she had. He never gave her the time of day. Often times he was so mean to her that she’d cry herself to sleep at night. Many nights actually. I don’t know if he ever loved her back, but he kept her so far out of reach that no one could tell. She was a good girl and was the total opposite of him. She gave up dating and boys in general at one point because she was waiting for him to come around, and tell her that he loved her back. It never happened.”

  “Several months ago when I moved here to my parent’s lake house, my brother threw a party and the two of them ended up sleeping together.”

  I took a deep breath. I wasn’t prepared for this.

  She continued. “It was a drunken in the moment thing for him. I think. Or maybe he wanted to. I don’t know. But they fought afterward and didn’t speak for the longest time. Then she found out she was pregnant.”

  There it was. She was pregnant with this Dane guy’s baby. I supposed she still loved him too.

  “A few months ago she came back here to tell him that she was pregnant with his baby. And she did tell him. But it was also not long after he’d found out that our dead parents were his ado
ptive parents and that he wasn’t even really their son or my brother. That night while he was visiting their grave he overdosed. The alcohol and the pills were a lethal combination and he wound up dying that night.”

  Oh shit!

  “I’m sorry,” I said. There were no words. Wren was carrying the child of a dead man that she still loved. “She still loves him doesn’t she? I mean I wouldn’t blame her. I have pushed her into this. That makes me the biggest piece of shit ever.”

  “No, that’s not it at all. You’re not a piece of shit. Or at least I hope you’re not. Wren has been having this freaking internal struggle since he passed and you showed up in her life. I talked to her today, and I know that she is in love with you. She still loves Dane and she’s worried that she is betraying him in every way possible. He will always occupy a piece of her heart, but you are the one who owns it. Don’t give up on her yet. Don’t be dumb and throw it all away. She will come around, but she needs more time. Give her more time.”

  “I will. I promise I will. I really love her so much. And the baby. I want to be in her life. If I had known any of this, I wouldn’t have pushed so hard. I swear it.”

  “I know. You seem like a great guy, and all I want is for her to find some happiness. She’s spent a lot of years trying to please everyone else. I want that for her now.” She said.

  No wonder Wren loved this girl so much. She was sweet, and she cared so much for her.

  “I’ll take care of her if she’ll let me. I won’t push anymore. I’ll give her whatever time she needs. Thank you so much for calling to tell me. I feel hope, and it sure feels nice to be able to take a deep breath. I’ve been missing the hell out of her and have been worried sick.”

  “Glad to hear it.” She snickered. “I’m going to go now before she wakes up and catches me. Don’t tell her anything I said. Just keep loving her and don’t give up.”

  “I won’t. Thank you again. I hope we get to meet one day.” I said.

  “Me too, bye.”

  “Bye.” I tapped the end button on my phone.

  I sat up against the railing at the head of my bed. This was her big secret. This was the reason that she was pushing me away.

  No wonder.

  And I’ve been nothing but a jerk. I made her cry more. I pushed her too far. I’ve added extra stress to her and the baby.

  No more.

  I loved her, and now that I knew that she loved me too that was all I needed. I would give her some time to come around. Next week when she came back to work, I’d apologize and beg her to take my friendship back.

  I’d crawl on my knees if I had to.

  She was mine.

  Forever.

  THANKSGIVING CAME AND WENT. It was a much-needed distraction. I loved having all of my loved ones around me. We stuffed ourselves full of Mom’s delicious cooking. The guys watched football and the girl’s shared some laughs over Mom’s famous pumpkin pie.

  I didn’t want the night to end.

  Even Uncle Jake showed up for some good food and family time. He looked so bad, and Sawyer and I shared a couple of sad glances because of it. He needed some help and I was glad that everyone could see it. With a loving family on his side, they would make sure that he got the attention that he needed. I could tell he wasn’t well the last time I’d seen him. But yesterday was much worse. His eyes were sunk in his head and the black rings were prominent on his face. And the man looked like he hadn’t slept or ate in a month. He’d obviously taken the death of Dane hard. Just as hard as anyone else. I wanted to hug him several times. To let him cry, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to break too. I couldn’t.

  On one bright note, Bentley messaged me to say Happy Thanksgiving last night. I was shocked, but I texted him back telling him the same. It was nice. It wasn’t huge, but it was a step, and it made me feel a little less like shit. He wasn’t completely gone. There was a sliver of hope. Somewhere.

  Mom and I were going to do some online shopping today. It was our thing. On Black Friday every year we would get our laptops and power shop at the kitchen table. It was retail therapy without the crowd. Sometimes online we would find better deals than in the store.

  I had my laptop set up and ready to go while Mom finished making breakfast. I set hers up too.

  It was like a race between us to find the best deals. A family tradition that I looked forward to every year.

  “What is the biggest item you are searching for this year Mom?” I asked.

  She turned around from the stove to smile at me.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I’d like to get a sixty inch television.” She explained.

  “You have more than enough big screens in this house. Don’t you think?”

  “Yes, I do. But I thought maybe you’d like a bigger one for your living room. You could move the one in your living room to one of the bedrooms.”

  I rubbed my hands together and smiled. “I love that idea. I really really would like to have a bigger T.V. Thank you.”

  “I thought so. You’re welcome.” She dried her hands on a dish towel and walked over to the table with plates in hand.

  I had barely taken a bite, when I got an awful cramp in my stomach. It was so sharp. It would have doubled me over if I could have bent down that far.

  “Are you okay?” She asked standing from her chair.

  “I think so.” I straightened up in my chair. “Just a sharp pain in my lower stomach and it felt like it shot through to my back.”

  “That don’t sound good. Is it gone?”

  “Yeah.” I took a deep breath.

  I started to shovel in the eggs. I was starving.

  “Oh!” The pain came again. “It hurts again,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “Maybe we better go to the hospital. You’re worrying me.”

  I sat there a moment and let the pain subside. Once it was gone I felt fine.

  Mom stood there next to my side and waited for a few more minutes, and just as she was about to sit down it came again.

  “Let’s go.” She said.

  I wasn’t arguing. I slipped on my flats that sat next to the door, and pulled on my coat. I followed her outside. She was already on the phone with Dad telling him that we were on the way to the emergency room.

  Her calm voice should have kept me relaxed, but it didn’t. I knew that something was wrong. I shouldn’t have been having pain like that. Not this early. I still had just over eight more weeks before this baby was supposed make her appearance.

  I hadn’t felt labor pains before, but my gut said that these were it.

  The pain was becoming more intense and lasting longer.

  Luckily the hospital wasn’t too far. Just towards the edge of town.

  The nurse came out with a wheelchair when she saw me barely making it down the sidewalk in front of the building.

  Mom explained the situation to her and the lady took me on up to the maternity floor. Mom stood at the nurse’s desk and filled out the paperwork will the lady got me admitted. I suppose with me being so early they didn’t want to waste any time. They hooked me to monitors and checked my heart rate as well as the baby’s.

  I was undressed completely and put in a gown. I was getting super nervous when Mom came in.

  “It’s going to be okay. Don’t you worry, okay?” she said running her hand down my arm for reassurance.

  I looked into her eyes, and then back towards the window. Though I was trying hard to be brave, I was cringing inside.

  The Doctor came in.

  “Hey there, looks like that baby is trying to come into this world too early.” He slipped on a pair of vinyl gloves. “That monitor there,” he pointed to the screen, “is showing that you are having some contractions. So, I’m going to check you cervix to see if you are dilated. If you will put your legs up here.”

  I did what he asked. My body was shaking and if my knees weren’t apart, they’d be knocking. He patted my knee gently. “It’s okay.” He said.r />
  I felt a little pressure down below as he checked me.

  “It looks like you are dilated 1cm almost two, and your cervix has already started thinning.”

  My eyes were probably bugged out of my head. What did that mean?

  “It’s okay. I’m going to have the nurse start an I.V. and get some steroids in you. I’m going to also give you a dose of Magnesium Sulfate. It’s a drug that will help to stop the labor. It’s very safe. The steroids will help with the development of the baby’s lungs. If and in case the medicine doesn’t help and the baby decides to come anyway.”

  “Okay. How long before you know if it works?” I asked concerned. Mom squeezed my hand.

  “After about thirty minutes, you will get a second dose. You can be given the medicine every couple of hours if we need to. Let’s just see how your body handles it. We will keep a close eye on you and the baby. You may be here a couple of days. We need to make sure that the baby’s heart rate slows and the stress on her is gone.”

  I nodded.

  “Let me get the nurse now.”

  “Okay,” he left the room.

  It was only a few minutes before the nurse came in with needles and medicine. I kept thinking over and over that she needed to hurry the hell up. I wanted the baby to be safe. Plus I was scared to death. The pain, mixed with my nervous shaking, and racing heart couldn’t be helping the baby. I’m sure I was only making it worse.

  “Mom,” I said.

  She ran her hand across my head and down my hair.

  “It’s okay. It will be okay. They probably see this all the time.”

  “I need you to do me a favor.”

  “What?” She asked.

  “I’m supposed to babysit for Layla and Doctor Miller tomorrow night. Can you call her and tell her that I can’t? I don’t want to just not show up. They’ll be worried.”

  “Yeah, I’ll do that now while they are starting your I.V.” She said.

  “My cell phone is in my jacket pocket. It is saved under Layla. Thank you.”

  “Of course.”

  Mom stepped out into the hall and made the phone call while the nurse worked her magic. Normally needles would hurt, but I barley felt this one. Probably because my adrenaline had skyrocketed. She could poke me three times and I would have never felt it.