Causing Heartbreak

by Regina Bartley

His talks always seemed to rouse me up, but in the end they always worked.

  WREN HAD TEXTED ME AND TOLD ME to meet her at her apartment right before I left work. I told her that I would go home and shower. Then I’d be on my way. I was worried that her parents wouldn’t let her go home because she would be by herself, but somehow she convinced them.

  Just knowing that she was going home at all was a huge relief. I’d worried myself sick over her and the baby since the moment I’d found out that she was in the hospital.

  I’d been trying hard not to focus on it too much at work. My new job was important to me and my future. It wasn’t the greatest job, but it was a damn good paying job, and I wasn’t opposed to working hard. It felt good actually.

  As soon as I finished up at work, I rushed home for the fastest shower in history. My body was tired from work, but my mind was racing a million miles per hour.

  I dressed quickly in a pair of loose fitting jeans and a t-shirt, without even bothering with my hair. I ran a comb through it and shook it out of my eyes. That was enough for me. I grabbed my wallet from my dresser and rushed out the door.

  She would probably be hungry, so I stopped at a small diner in town for some soup to go. My mom used to feed me soup when I was sick, so I thought that would be perfect. And of course a piece of chocolate cake. One for her, one for me.

  Bags in hand, I kicked the door to my truck shut and walked to her door.

  I knocked twice and waited for someone to answer.

  It was her Mom.

  She held the door open as I carried in the food. “Bentley,” she smiled. “It’s good to see you again. I’m so glad that you agreed to help take care of my baby. I know she’ll be in good hands.”

  “Thank you. I’ll keep a close eye on her.” I said. I pulled the food out of the bag and watched as her mother said goodbye to her. Wren had caught my eye and smiled that heart stopping smile. She was so gorgeous. She laid on the couch with her fuzzy blanket. Her toes peeked out from the end and I could barely keep my eyes off her.

  I had to look away to keep from being sucked in. I couldn’t move too fast with her even though that was what I desperately wanted. She had to set the pace.

  Her mother waved goodbye as she left and promised that she’d be back tomorrow.

  I finished preparing her soup and carried it over to the couch.

  “Hey,” she said.

  “You look so much better today. Not that you looked bad yesterday. You just look more rested.” I recovered quickly.

  “Thanks, I think.” Then it happened again. That smile and those eyes. She was killing me slowly. I just knew it.

  I handed her a bowl of soup and crackers.

  “Thank you, Bentley. This was so great of you.”

  “You’re welcome. Eat up. I have chocolate cake for dessert.”

  “Aren’t you going to eat?” She asked.

  “Yeah, I have soup in the kitchen.”

  She scooted up to a sitting position. “There is plenty of room on the couch here with me.”

  “Okay.”

  I took the spot at the opposite end of the couch with my bowl in hand. We watched T.V. and talked a bit while we ate. Afterwards, I gathered the dishes and brought out the cake. She rubbed her belly and said she was full, but I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist it once she saw it.

  I was right.

  She lifted the fork to her mouth and moaned as she ate it.

  I turned to her, suddenly not caring at all about my own.

  When she looked at me, I was sure that my mouth was wide open and my eyes were bugged out of my head. I couldn’t help it. She couldn’t make noises like that and expect me to function. Or fucking breath for that matter.

  I looked away at the T.V., at the table, at the wall, anywhere but in her direction.

  “This is wonderful. It was so thoughtful of you.”

  “Yep, that’s me. Mister thoughtful,” I glanced at her for a second.

  She laughed and we finished our cake. Actually, she finished her cake. I listened.

  I cleared the dishes and straightened up the kitchen, before joining her again in the living room.

  “Do you need anything?” I asked.

  “I’d really like to put on some pajamas.”

  “Okay, you need help getting to your room?”

  “That would be great.”

  I tucked both my hands under her arms and helped lift her slowly to her feet. Her belly touched mine and she rubbed it bashfully. I couldn’t help myself when I reached my hands out to touch it too, grazing my fingers on hers. I felt her eyes look at me, so I locked in on them.

  Don’t you feel it woman? Just say the damn words, and I’m yours. Right here, right now. I was trying hard to will it out of her.

  “You go get dressed and I’ll fix you something to drink and put in a movie,” I suggested.

  “Okay,” she said. “Make it a chick flick.”

  I laughed. “I’m sure that’s all you own.”

  She laughed too as she passed by me.

  I put in a movie and waited for her to change. She came out of the room wearing nothing but a huge t-shirt. It was short since her belly stuck out, but she didn’t seem to mind. She walked by and eased herself onto the couch as if it was no big deal.

  Something was different about her today. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but she was really not acting like she usually did. She was comfortable. Usually, she would keep her guard up, but the only thing I could think of was that we had had such a good day yesterday that she was letting her wall down a little. It was the only logical explanation that I could think of.

  I tucked the cover up over her and sat down on the floor near her feet.

  She laid down facing the T.V., and held the cover close to her chest. Her hair fell softly around her face.

  “Can I ask you something Bentley?”

  “Sure.” I rolled my head back onto the couch and faced her. “Ask away.”

  “What is it that you like about me? Be honest. None of that pretty stuff. You knew from the first minute that I was pregnant. I just want to know.”

  I looked deep into her eyes. Her beautiful brown eyes. “Truthfully, I was first drawn to you because of this sadness on your face. I felt like I just wanted to make you smile. I wanted to see what it would look like so bad, and once I finally did see it. I was hooked. It’s freaking euphoric. I can’t look away. It draws me in like a magnet. And the fact that you were pregnant has never once bothered me. In fact, I have loved it from day one. But that moment when I first felt her move, was it for me. I knew that I wanted to be a part of it all. I wanted to feel her, and see her, and talk to her, because if she was half the girl that you were than I already loved her too.”

  Her eyes were filled with so much emotion. I could see them fill with tears and that was the last thing I wanted. I scooted myself along the floor until I was close to her face. I reached my arm across her back and rubbed it gently. “Go to sleep Wren. I’ll be right here.”

  “Thank you, Bentley. Thank you for being so amazing.”

  I smiled and continued to rub small circles along her back until she fell fast asleep. Even then, I didn’t stop. I watched her for a long while as she slept peacefully.

  THREE WEEKS HAD PASSED QUICKLY and Christmas was only two days away. The whole bed rest thing was annoying the hell out of me, but luckily Bentley had been here with me nearly every day at one point or another. Keeping me company. He stayed all night at least five nights a week, no matter how tired he was from working or whether or not I was getting on his nerves. He’d never admit it if I was. He always acted like I was his favorite person in the world. He’d sleep on my hard ass living room floor while I slept on the couch. That had to say something.

  Never once had he pressured me to open up, and never once had he quit showing me how he felt. He was so patient with me. I was ready to tell him the truth. Everything. And I was planning on doing it later that night. I had been a chicken up until th
is point, but I can’t wait anymore. He has to find out the truth and decide if he wants to stay or go. I’d put it off long enough, and with the baby coming soon, decisions needed to be made.

  Sawyer was on her way over and we were going to have Christmas together, and then later Bentley was coming to stay the night. There was no time like the present.

  After I changed, I turned on the tiny Charlie Brown Christmas tree that Bentley had brought over last week. He said it didn’t feel like Christmas to him without a tree, and since I hadn’t felt good enough to pick one out he just brought one over. Of course, it was a measly little thing. He said they were few and far between since it was so close to Christmas. He got one of the last ones they had. It was tiny and filled with holes. Secretly I loved it. Of course, I didn’t tell him that.

  The fat lights lit up the room. He was right, the tree did make it feel more like Christmas.

  There was a soft knock on the door, and I opened it to find Sawyer. Her arms filled with bags.

  “Out of my way,” she huffed, swinging a bag over her shoulder as she made her way inside. “It’s so freaking cold out there.”

  “Tell me about it. Glad it was you that had to be out in it, and not me.” I smirked.

  She rolled her eyes. “I love you too.” She said. The bags dropped loosely to the floor.

  I swept her up in the biggest hug I could manage with the beach ball sticking out in front of me. “I’ve missed you Saw.”

  “Missed you too.”

  “I have presents.” She said pointing to the bag.

  “Me too,” I pointed to my tree. There were presents scattered halfway across my living room floor. I hadn’t been able to get out, so I did all my shopping online. It was way better than fighting people in the stores. Not to mention all the traveling. The best stores were in Pittsburg.

  “Get comfy on the couch and I’ll make us some hot chocolate.” She reached in her bag and pulled out the box of hot chocolate mixes, and a bag of mini marshmallows. It was just like old times.

  “I’m supposed to be hosting you.”

  “Whatever,” she smiled.

  “You’re the best friend ever. You know that?”

  “Well duh,” she flipped her hair. She was doing her best impression of me and I couldn’t help but laugh. Was I always that superficial?

  Yep. I was.

  She tossed her jacket over the barstool and went to work in the kitchen.

  I reached under the tree and pulled out the three gifts I had gotten her hoping that she hadn’t went too overboard with my gifts. She was a tyrant sometimes. Never listening and thinking she was supposed to take care of me all the time.

  She brought out the hot chocolate and switched her phone to my favorite playlist. Bruno Mars and Taylor Swift. They were our jams.

  Tugging the bags across the floor, she made herself comfortable next to me on the couch.

  “I have a few presents for you, but something special that I want you to open first.” She fidgeted which didn’t scare me too much, but it did make me a little nervous. “It’s more of a special gift for you and the baby. Which by the way you need to give a name soon. I can’t wait any longer.”

  I shook my head at her and tore open the light blue wrapping that covered the gift. It was a brown leather-bound photo album. The words “Daddy” was engraved on the front. I choked up. I looked at her then back to the book. I already knew what was inside.

  The tears began to fall before I opened the pages.

  “They are all duplicates, so if something ever happens then you know where to find the originals.” Her voice was choked up and when I looked at her face, I saw her tears too. We were a mess.

  “Thank you,” I whispered because the words would have failed me.

  “I love you.” She mouthed back.

  My fingers grazed the slick cover and I opened the first page.

  My heart stopped.

  The first picture was of me and Dane. It wasn’t a posed picture. I had never seen it. We were both sitting on the couch. We were much younger. Both of us were in our pajamas, and I was looking at my cell phone, but Dane was looking at me. Really looking at me.

  “Oh my God.” I took a deep breath. I cried even harder. This was it. This was what I needed. That look was one that I thought I’d never see ever. It was the way I always looked at him, but the way he never looked at me. This whole time I thought he hated me, and maybe he did. But that look told me that at one point in my life he cared. Even just a little.

  It all made so much sense. He felt like he wasn’t good enough for me. The same way I feel about myself with Bentley. I was such a fool. Such a damn fool.

  Not anymore. I won’t make him wonder anymore. I will be honest and tell him that I love him.

  Today.

  I’m not waiting.

  No one should have to feel like they are not loved.

  No one.

  “Where did you find this picture?” I looked at Sawyer for the answer.

  “It was in some boxes at the old house.”

  “This was just what I needed Sawyer. It is the best gift ever.” I sat the book on the opposite side of me and hugged her again.

  She sniffled. “I thought you would love it, and you can share it with the baby when she gets older.”

  “Of course I will.”

  We sat there together going through the rest of the photos in the album. There were so many. Some of Dane when he was young, and some of the three of us. We laughed at several of them and talked about the past. It was honestly the best medicine. The two of us needed it desperately. There were a few sad ones that included her parents, but most were happy memories. We spent hours just talking and reminiscing.

  I held the book close to my heart and would cherish it.

  We exchanged the rest of our gifts and she loved everything I had gotten her. The last one was extra special to me. I gave her a journal. One just like the Doctor had given me. I told her what I used mine for, and she was shocked. I told her that it was my way to talk to him, and she asked if she could steal my idea. Of course, she could. That was why I had given it to her. Even though she had Travis, she still missed her brother and this would be her way to talk to him, and him only. She loved it, and we cried again.

  Despite all the tears and the absence of all the people we loved, it still turned out to be an amazing Christmas and I missed her the moment she said goodbye. I wished she lived closer, but the distance is just a number. I knew that she wasn’t that far and only a phone call away if I needed her. It looked as though I would need her forever, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

  After the photo revelation, I couldn’t wait to write Dane. To tell him that I knew the truth and to tell him how it made my heart feel.

  Dear Dane,

  It’s almost Christmas. Sawyer and I celebrated today. She came by for the most wonderful visit. You can’t begin to imagine the wonderful gift that she gave me.

  Why didn’t you tell me Dane? Couldn’t you have at least told me that you cared a little? I saw it, so you won’t ever be able to deny it. Not that you could. That look was love Dane, even if it wasn’t the same kind of love that I had for you. It was there. Plain as the nose on my face. And it stopped my heart to see it.

  Even when we were making love that night, you never looked at me like that. There was a longing, sure, but not that look of love. Now that I have seen it, I will cherish it for the rest of my life.

  I’m sorry that you struggled, and suffered. I’m sorry that you hurt and that you’ll never be able to see your daughter. But I promise that she will always know about you. She will always love you. Always.

  In my heart, you are tucked away.

  Forever.

  I love you!

  Love,

  Wren

  I was nervous when Bentley arrived. It was time for me to tell him and pray that he didn’t run when he found out I was a crazy loon.

  I opened the door and he smiled at me.

&nb
sp; If I could have frozen that moment forever, I would have. That little scruff on his chin was the sexiest thing ever, outside of those crazy green eyes. He stood there in the door wearing those loose fitted jeans I loved so much and that black leather jacket. Bless the one who brought him into my life.

  I stepped back out of the way and watched as he walked smoothly into the room. Once again carrying bags. He never showed up empty handed.

  Once he was inside I closed the door behind him. I stood there facing it trying to get myself in control. My hands were trembling.

  “Are you okay?” He said, and I felt his cool hand touch the small of my back.

  “I need to talk to you,” I said first before I turned around to face him.

  “Should I be afraid?” His eyebrows furrowed and he looked concerned.

  “I don’t know. Maybe.” I answered honestly.

  He followed me to the couch and held out his hand to help me sit. Always the gentleman.

  “What’s this about Wren? Not gonna lie, you’re making me nervous.”

  “Sit,” I said.

  I pulled out the picture album from the drawer of the table next to the couch.

  “I have some things to tell you, and it starts with the baby’s father.” I looked up at him and he bit his lip. “But before I tell you the story, I need to say…”

  I took a deep breath and steadied my breathing before finally saying the words.

  “I love you.”

  IF IT WERE POSSIBLE TO FREEZE TIME, then I would have done it right then.

  “I love you too.”

  She looked at me, and there was so much sadness. I had to stop her.

  “Don’t okay. I know everything. I know about the baby’s father and your past.” I blurted out.

  “What? How?” There was a scared look on her face. “Your father?”

  “No,” I scooted closer to her on the couch. “Sawyer.”

  Her eyes grew wide. “When did you talk to Sawyer?”

  “Not long after I gave you that crazy ultimatum. She called me, when I was about to give up on you. Well, not really give up, but I was going to stop coming around because I needed to know how you felt, and you wouldn’t give me an inch. She called to tell me not to give up. She told me the story about Dane. I’m positive that she told me everything.” There was an angry look on her face. “Please don’t be mad at her, or me. I didn’t say anything because I wanted you to be ready to tell me. I didn’t want you to think that you had to. And any crazy notion that you have about it making me scared or making me want you any less is ridiculous. I know how that girly brain of yours works, and you can stop. I love you so much. This doesn’t change anything. I promise you.”