Shawna

by Maggie Wells

  “Yes,” Shawna said.

  “You’re pregnant?” Nurse Bailey asked.

  “Yes,” Shawna said.

  “How far along are you?” Nurse Bailey asked.

  Shawna did the math in her head. “Three months,” she replied.

  “What’s your plan?” Nurse Bailey asked.

  “I’m not getting an abortion, if that’s what you mean,” Shawna said.

  “Okay. We’ll need to enroll you in the teen mom program. They will help you make up work that you miss due to sickness or other complications. Have you told your parents?”

  “I need to wait,” Shawna said. “They’ll want me to get an abortion. I need to wait until it’s too late.”

  “Some abortions are done much later than twelve weeks,” Nurse Bailey said. “How long can you possibly wait? Why are you afraid to tell them?”

  “It’s not that I’m afraid,” Shawna said. “It’s just that they’re going to be so shocked—and disappointed. I have been their good girl my whole life.”

  “Clearly, you’ve thought a lot about this,” Nurse Bailey said. “Well, we can’t enroll you in the teen mom program without parental consent. You are putting me in an awkward position. Surely you don’t want them to find out via a letter from the school?”

  “No,” Shawna said, slowly. “My mom would never forgive me.”

  “Would you like me to be with you when you tell your parents?” Nurse Bailey asked.

  Shawna hesitated, considering the offer. Nurse Bailey’s presence would ensure that the conversation would be calm and rational, clinical actually. But awkward—really awkward. She shook her head. “Thanks. That’s okay,” she said. “I can do it.”

  “So then what?” Nurse Bailey asked. “They will want to know what you’re going to do with the baby.”

  “I know,” Shawna said.

  “Have you considered adoption?” Nurse Bailey asked.

  “I don’t know,” Shawna said. “I figured I had a few months to think about it.”

  Nurse Bailey retrieved her purse from her desk drawer. “This is a bit out of my purview,” she said. “But I moonlight as a social worker with an adoption agency.” She dug a brochure out of her purse. “I could connect you with them. They help you choose a couple that shares your values, someone who would raise your child the way you would want. You can interview as many couples as you like, until you find the right one.”

  Shawna stared at her hands and nodded.

  “There are many childless couples who would do anything to adopt a baby,” Nurse Bailey continued.

  Who’s to say I don’t want this baby? Shawna thought. Then she took the brochure and thumbed through it anyway.

  “Babies need two parents, Shawna,” Nurse Bailey said. “And not just for conception. Babies are a lot of work.”

  “Lots of kids are raised by single parents,” Shawna argued.

  “That’s true,” Nurse Bailey said. “And a lot of single parents raise well-adjusted kids. But it is extra hard.”

  Shawna was no longer listening.

  When Shawna got home, she was surprised to see her mom’s car in the driveway. Her mother was a professor at Berkeley and usually didn’t get home until after six o’clock. Shawna snuck in through the back door and went straight to her room. No putting it off, she thought. Tonight is the night.

  Dinner was unusually quiet that night. Normally her dad would go on and on about his day. He was a criminal defense attorney and regaled them at dinner with the dramatic exploits of his clients. Shawna worried that they already knew or suspected something but were afraid to broach the topic.

  Finally her mother broke the tension. “How are you feeling, honey?” her mom asked in a deliberately casual voice. But Shawna noticed she was tapping her foot agitatedly on floor. “Is everything okay?”

  Shawna knew then that Nurse Bailey had called her mom. Her father put down his fork and looked expectantly at her.

  Shawna took a deep breath. This is it. She felt her face burning. “I’m pregnant.”

  Her father’s face took on an unnatural crimson hue and her mom set her silverware gently down on her plate.

  “You’re sure?” her father asked.

  “Yes, I’ve been tested.” Shawna kept her eyes fixed to her plate and pushed the broccoli and potatoes around her plate with her fork.

  “I didn’t know you were sexually active,” her mom said.

  Shawna rolled her eyes. Sexually active makes me sound like I am some kind of slut, doing it all the time with every boy in school. “I’m not, Mom. Philippe and I did it one time, I swear. We used birth control and everything. One time, that’s it.”

  Her parents stared at her in silence.

  “I found out a couple of weeks ago,” Shawna continued speaking in order to break the awkward silence. “I went to an abortion clinic but I changed my mind.”

  “Changed your mind?” her father asked.

  “Yeah,” Shawna said. “Changed my mind. Decided I couldn’t do it.”

  “Why?” he asked.

  “Because,” Shawna said.

  Her father glared at her.

  “Because it didn’t feel right,” she said.

  “So you’re not going to get an abortion?” her mother asked.

  “No,” Shawna said. “Are you paying attention? I’m not going to get an abortion.”

  “What about Philippe?” her mother asked. “Does he know?”

  “Yes, he knows that I’m pregnant and he knows that I’m having the baby,” Shawna said. She was becoming weary of all the questions. “Are we done now?”

  “You told the school nurse before you told me?” her mother asked. “I’m sorry, honey, the school nurse called today. She said it was her duty to inform us.”

  “Look, I’ve been in her office every morning, barfing and resting,” Shawna said. “She guessed; I didn’t tell her. I’m sorry you had to hear it from her. She said I needed your signature to enter the teen mom program at school. I figured she would tell you but I was hoping to tell you first.”

  “Why did you wait so long to tell us?” her father asked.

  “I figured if I had the abortion you would never have had to find out and I could still be your good little girl,” Shawna said.

  “Oh, sweetie.” Her mother dabbed her eyes with her napkin.

  SEVEN

  “SO WHAT’S THE PLAN NOW?” HER FATHER ASKED. “You’re seventeen years old and you’re going to have a baby?”

  “That’s kind of how it works, Dad,” Shawna said and immediately regretted her tone. “I’m sorry, Daddy, I don’t mean to sound snarky. This has been a really stressful month. Look, I’ve thought about it. I know this will be really embarrassing for you, for the whole family. If you’d like me to go away somewhere until after the baby comes . . . ?”

  “Go away?” Her father frowned and rubbed the stubble on his chin. “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know,” Shawna said. “What about Aunt Amy? Would she let me stay with her?”

  “Probably,” he said. “But we don’t want you to go away. We’re not ashamed of you.”

  Shawna looked at her mom. Her eyes were closed and her hands were clasped in her lap as if she were lost in prayer.

  “Mom?” Shawna said.

  Shawna’s mom opened her eyes and asked, “So what happens after the baby is born?”

  Shawna shook her head. “I don’t know,” she said. “Nurse Bailey works with an adoption agency. If I want, I can choose the couple.”

  “What do you mean, if you want?” Her father stood up and started pacing. “Are you thinking of keeping the baby? What about college? What about your future?”

  “It must be hard for the couples who get interviewed but aren’t chosen,” Shawna’s mom said. “They would get their hopes up, I guess.”

  “Can’t we decide this later?” Shawna asked. “We have six months to think about it.”

  “No,” her mother said decisively, surprising all of th
em. “You’re not going to give away my grandchild. I couldn’t live with that. I’ll raise the baby.” She looked at her husband, fiercely. “Shawna will go to college and we’ll take care of the baby.”

  “What?” Shawna’s dad exclaimed. “Where did that idea come from? Are you crazy?”

  “Charlie,” she said. “I really want to be a grandmother. I’m ready to be a grandmother. This is our flesh and blood, our grandchild.”

  Shawna lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She was in complete shock. Her mom wanted to raise her baby. She had heard about this happening but couldn’t imagine that it was happening to her. She had read in US Weekly that Jack Nicholson found out late in life that the woman he called Mom was actually his grandmother and the woman he thought was his sister was actually his mother. Is that what we’re doing? she wondered. Is my baby going to grow up thinking I’m his sister? And when he found out the truth, would he be damaged for life? Or worse, would he believe that his grandmother raised him because his mom was some loser tramp?

  Not that there isn’t an upside here, she thought. Her baby would be raised in comfort and security while she went to college, and he/she wouldn’t be raised by strangers. As Nurse Bailey had said, he/she would be raised by a couple who shared her values, someone who would raise her child the way she had been raised. She could see her/him whenever she wanted. Once I am on my feet and financially secure, my baby could come live with me. Perfect! But what about that bonding thing, she wondered. Would her baby bond with her mother? Would he/she treat me like some creepy aunt? That would be unbearable. She thought about Jack Nicholson again and how traumatized he had been by the whole thing. What if she told her mother no? No, you’re not raising my baby!

  Shawna walked into the kitchen where her mom was slicing carrots. On weekends, her mom always cooked elaborate meals to make up for the take-out Shawna and her dad ordered during the week.

  “Mom?” Shawna ventured.

  “Yes, dear,” her mom said.

  “So, how exactly will this work?” Shawna asked.

  “I’ve already come up with names,” her mother said, excitedly. “If it’s a girl, we’ll name her Genevieve. If it’s a boy, I like Sawyer.”

  “Seriously?” Shawna said. “I hate those names! Philippe is Haitian and we’re Shoshone. What’s with the WASP-y names?”

  “Genevieve isn’t WASP-y,” her mom protested. “It’s French. When you were two, we had an au pair from France named Genevieve.” She pronounced it Gen-Vi-Ev.

  “Okay.” Shawna said. “Let’s just pretend that the intention was to make the baby’s name sound Haitian. Shouldn’t we consult Philippe’s family?”

  Shawna’s mother stood still and stared out of the kitchen window.

  “Mom?” Shawna said. “What about Philippe? Shouldn’t he be involved in these decisions?”

  “You know,” her mom’s voice sounded as if she were speaking from a million miles away. “We always wanted a second child. Don’t get me wrong, Shawna, we loved you, I mean we love you, to death. You are so precious to us. But we tried hard to have a second child, maybe a boy. You could have had a little brother. But I miscarried. Twice. And the third one—we named him Richard. Richard was born premature and lived for almost twenty-four hours. I held him in my arms as he gasped his last breath.”

  “Oh, Mom!” Shawna cried as she ran to her mother and embraced her in a bear hug. “I never knew that. I’m so sorry.”

  “I think when you broke your news to us, your dad and I, well, it took us back to a painful time. We tried so hard to save him, little Richard—Richard the lion-hearted. We named him that because he fought so hard to survive. I’ve wanted so badly, for so long, to hold a little baby in my arms. And now you’ve brought us this most amazing gift, Shawna.”

  “But Mom,” Shawna said. “What about Philippe? What about his mom? What do we do?’

  “As always,” her mom said. “You are right. You are my precious, beautiful child who knows the right thing to say at all the right times. Shawna, I am so proud of you, I want you to know that.”

  Proud. Shawna blanched at the word. The one thing she never expected her parents to feel about this situation was pride. This was absolutely unexpected—and totally bizarre. She felt things slipping away—out of her control. This whole thing had become more about them than about her.

  “So, what do you think?” Shawna asked. “Should we invite Philippe and his mom over to talk?”

  “That would be best, wouldn’t it?” her mom said. “What about brunch tomorrow? Daddy could grill something—maybe some salmon. Do they like salmon?”

  “Mom, I have no idea!” Shawna said. “Why not something simpler? Like burgers or chicken salad?”

  “Is she going to fight me on this?” Shawna’s mom asked.

  Shawna was floored. What was happening here? “Um, Mom? Fight you? What are we fighting about?”

  “Our baby,” her mom said.

  Shawna felt bile rise in her throat and a strange tightness in her chest. What was this feeling? Jealousy? Panic? She felt herself losing control of her body, her choices, her life. Her mom couldn’t just take her baby away, could she?

  EIGHT

  HER MOM TURNED TO LOOK AT SHAWNA. SHE HAD A weird, faraway look in her eyes. “I’m glad you chose not to have an abortion,” she said at last.

  Shawna looked at her mom, surprised. “Really?”

  Her mom nodded, looking down at the floor. “I didn’t want to say anything in front of your dad. There’s something he doesn’t know.”

  Shawna sat down on a kitchen stool and studied her mom’s face.

  “My parents never went to college,” her mom said. “And my dream was to get a PhD and become a professor.”

  “And you did,” Shawna said.

  “But I almost didn’t,” her mom said.

  “Why not?” Shawna asked.

  “Because I got pregnant when I was seventeen,” her mom said. “Just like you.”

  Shawna’s eyes grew wide. “Dad doesn’t know about this?”

  Shawna’s mom twisted her wedding band around on her finger as she spoke. “When I told my boyfriend, he thought we should get married right away. He was working as a security guard and studying criminal justice. I knew that if I married him and had the baby I would never be able to leave Fresno. But not marrying him wasn’t an option either. I never told him this—but my girlfriend drove me to San Francisco and I got an abortion. I told my boyfriend that I had miscarried. I didn’t tell my parents or anyone else. It was awful and I had nightmares for years about it. I think about that baby every day of my life. I never told your dad about it but I have always wondered if that abortion was the reason I had so many miscarriages. If that was the reason that baby Richard died.”

  Shawna spoke softly. “But you made it out of Fresno and you met Dad and you had me. So aren’t you glad you did what you did?”

  Shawna’s mom nodded but she looked as if she were about to cry. “Yes, I have the life I had always dreamed of. But I find it so strange that you’ve followed in my footsteps this way. I can’t help but think it’s not a coincidence. God brought this baby to us. Maybe he’s giving me a second chance to get it right this time.”

  “You know that it’s my baby, right?” Shawna asked. Is my mom delusional? she wondered. “Mine and Philippe’s? I appreciate your offer to help me raise the baby, to let me go to college and all. But the baby will know that you’re his grandmother, right? It will know that I’m his mom.”

  “Of course, sweetheart,” Shawna’s mom said, dabbing at her eyes. “Where I grew up, mothers lived with their daughters and helped with the babies. It’s only natural. It takes a village, right?”

  Shawna felt terrible for doubting her mother’s intentions. She stood and walked toward her mom to give her a hug.

  “Call Philippe,” her mom said. The coldness in her tone stopped Shawna in her tracks. “Do his parents know?” she asked.

  “I don’t know,” Shawna sai
d. “I don’t think so.”

  “Well, let’s get this over with,” her mom said. “Invite them over for lunch. Chicken salad—good idea.”

  Shawna answered the doorbell to find Philippe and his parents standing there, looking uncomfortable.

  “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Henri,” Shawna said. “Please come in. My mom is setting up the picnic table out back.”

  Shawna escorted Philippe’s parents to the backyard and then grabbed him by the arm. “Come inside,” she whispered.

  Philippe followed her back inside the house and into the bathroom where she locked the door.

  “What do your parents know?” Shawna asked.

  “Nothing,” he said. “I was hoping you would change your mind and I wouldn’t have to tell them anything.”

  “Why do they think we invited them over?” Shawna asked.

  “They don’t have a clue,” he said. “But let’s just say they are suspicious that it isn’t going to be good news.”

  “Well, here’s a news flash for you,” Shawna said. “My mom doesn’t want me to have an abortion. She has decided that she’s going to raise the baby so that I can go to college. Do you think that’s weird? What will your mom think?”

  “Jesus!” Philippe said. “What the hell is happening? What about what I think? Don’t I have some say in all of this? I’m not ready to be a father. And I’m pretty sure my mom feels the same way.”

  Shawna recoiled. It may take a village, she thought, but the villagers are about to revolt. “We’d better get out there,” she said.

  “Here they are,” her mom said in a singsong voice as Shawna and Philippe stepped out the back door and onto the patio. “Kids, grab a sandwich and come sit.”

  Jesus, Shawna thought. Her mom was acting like it was some kind of garden party when in reality World War III was about to break out.

  When everyone was seated, Shawna’s mom spoke. “Gaby, David, we have some news.” Shawna didn’t even know that her mom knew Philippe’s parents’ names. This was all becoming surreal. “Shawna, why don’t you start?”