Why did You even make me a bride if I am to live my life in loneliness? she cried out to God.
And that woman! How smug she’d been when Dell had walked past Cassidy’s bedroom and retired to the lean-to the night after their arrival.
Cassidy led Abby out of the barn and climbed onto her back. She had to be alone, ached to get away from this place of despair. She wheeled the horse around toward the vastness of the range before her and nudged her to a canter.
“Cassidy, wait.” Dell’s voice rang in the air, clear and firm.
Fighting the impulse to pretend she hadn’t heard, Cassidy tugged on the reins until Abby slowed to a walk, then stopped.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Dell’s voice was clipped.
“I’m going for a ride, obviously,” she said, sarcasm dripping from her lips. “I need to be alone.”
Dell grabbed the horse’s bridle. “You’ll have to find your privacy around here.”
“Well, what was the point of giving me a horse I can’t ride?” Cassidy glared down at him. “Maybe just a way to make you feel better for reducing me to hired help?”
The pain that crossed Dell’s face brought instant remorse to Cassidy. If he had grown defensive or been mean back, she could have stayed angry. But he didn’t. She had hurt him.
He recovered quickly and stared up at her with glittering eyes. “You can’t go off alone on the prairie. Don’t you understand anything you’ve been hearing about the Indians?”
“I don’t know….” Feeling like an idiot, she twisted the reins in her hands and refused to meet Dell’s eyes.
“They’re stirred up right now. The Sioux and Cheyenne are burning and raiding all over the territory and kidnapping women and children.”
The blood drained from Cassidy’s face, and Dell softened. “I haven’t heard of any raids close by, but please be careful.” He placed a gentle hand on her leg. “I don’t want to lose you.”
Warmth from his fingers spread through Cassidy’s leg and down her calf. How could he even say something like that when he’d moved out of her bedroom the morning after carrying her over the threshold? And how could he seem so sincere saying it?
She covered his hand with one of her own. “You won’t lose me, Dell.” A sadness welled up inside of her, and suddenly she felt very tired. “At least not to Indians.”
“Cass…”
A sob caught in her throat, nearly choking her as she grabbed the reins with both hands and turned Abby toward the barn.
Once inside, she dismounted and unhooked the saddle. As she started to lift it off the horse’s back, she felt strong arms behind her, caging her in. Dell?
“Hey, now, you shouldn’t be unsaddling your own horse.” The voice was smooth as honey and definitely not her husband’s.
Cassidy wheeled around, coming face-to-face with Johnny Cooper, the ranch foreman. Ducking under his arms, she glared at him.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Anger boiled inside of her. “Don’t you ever put your hands on me again.”
“Whoa, now,” he drawled. A lazy smile played at his sensuously full lips, but his eyes glittered dangerously. “No disrespect intended.” Leaving the saddle, he sauntered toward her.
Defenses alerted, Cassidy retreated a step for each step he advanced until her back came up against the barn wall. He was so close, she could see the flecks of gold in his hazel eyes. “Don’t come any closer or I’ll scream,” she whispered hoarsely, fearing she might do just that any second.
He shrugged. “Go ahead; no one will hear you. All the hands are rounding up cattle. Seems a few were rustled during the night.” His voice was calm, non-threatening, but fear gripped her.
“What do you want?” she asked, despising herself for being a coward.
He placed a hand on the wall on either side of her head. “Rumor has it the boss is sleeping in the lean-to.”
Horror filled Cassidy. The entire ranch knew of her humiliation?
Johnny took a strand of loose hair between a thumb and forefinger. Leaning in close enough so that Cassidy could feel his breath hot on her face, he whispered, “I just thought you might be lonely.”
Mustering up her courage, she placed her hands flat against his chest and shoved as hard as she could. Surprise and then anger registered in his eyes as he landed hard on the barn floor.
“Like I said,” Cassidy warned through clenched teeth, “don’t ever touch me again.”
Shaking with anger and fear, she stormed out of the barn and toward the house, only to find Dell walking through the door and strolling her way. So he would have heard her scream after all? Not that he would have cared.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing. Just leave me alone.”
“Don’t be this way. I had hoped we could be—”
“Friends?” Cassidy spat. “Spare me, please. I’ve heard the ‘let’s be friends’ routine before. Of course, I’ve never heard it from my own husband.”
Leaving him standing with a bewildered expression on his face, she entered the house. She stomped down the hall to her bedroom, only to find Ellen inside with the wardrobe wide open. What next?
“What do you think you are doing in my room?”
The woman turned. “I’m looking for my daughter’s shawl. It isn’t among the other things I removed from here.” She didn’t even have the grace to be embarrassed about getting caught or apologetic for the intrusion.
“Well, if I find it, I’ll let you know,” Cassidy said through gritted teeth. “Now please leave. I’d like some privacy.”
“Oh? Trouble already?” A look of triumph leaped into the dull gray eyes. “Dell is a self-centered, difficult man, as my Anna discovered much too late. It looks as though you are discovering it as well.”
A tiny, satisfied smile tugged at the thin mouth, and she limped from the room with the ever-present thud of her walking stick ringing in Cassidy’s ears.
Cassidy poured a steaming kettle of water into the half-filled tub on her bedroom floor. She had waited all day for night to fall so she could have the privacy of a nice, warm bath and a good cry.
Two weeks had passed since Dell had moved into the lean-to. Rather than help the situation as he thought it would, the three older children were openly hostile. Cassidy felt more alone in this house full of people than she’d ever felt in her life.
She lifted her leg over the side of the tub and stepped down. As her foot touched the bottom, Cassidy frowned. Reaching into the water, she ran her hand over the bottom. Rocks! Those little hooligans had put rocks in her bathwater. It couldn’t have been Jack. He loved her. And it was beneath Tarah to pull such a silly prank. It had to have been Sam and Luke.
With a huff, Cassidy snatched up the basin beside her bed and scooped the rocks from the tub. When she settled back into the now lukewarm water, a few pebbles remained and gouged her bare flesh. Miserable, she hugged her knees to her chest and wept bitterly.
In one dreadful day, all of Cassidy’s dreams of marriage and family had been dashed. “Why did You betray me, Lord?” she whispered, knowing even as she prayed that God hadn’t betrayed her; she had deceived her own heart. Her desperation to marry and provide a stable home for Emily had compelled her to join herself to a man who, admittedly, had hardened his heart against God.
Oh Lord, forgive me, please, her heart cried. In marrying outside of God’s plan for His people, Cassidy knew she’d become one with a man in clear rebellion. How could she have ever believed God would bless the union? Cassidy shook her head, a strangled sob tearing at her throat. She had been so blind.
What do I do now? Should I take Emily and leave? Immediately her ravaged heart spoke the answer. Standing before God, she had promised to love, honor, and obey Dell. Now God expected her to carry out her vows—for better or worse. Dell’s rejection knifed through her heart until the pain was almost more than she could bear. But worse still, he had rejected God.
Help me not to be bitter
against my husband. I don’t want to cause him to pull further away from us both.
Chapter 8
I’m not going.” Tarah tossed her head in defiance and folded her arms. “I’m too old to sit in school with a bunch of children.”
Cassidy lifted her hands in surrender. “All right, I don’t suppose I can force you since your pa’s gone. But if you stay home, you’ll help me around the house.”
“You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do,” Tarah said with a sniff. “After all—”
“I know.” Cassidy rolled her eyes and handed out lunch pails to Luke and Sam, then set about making lunches for the girls. “I’m not your mother. So you’ve said, more than once.”
The last four months had been a tug-of-war between the two of them. If Cassidy wanted Tarah to go one way, she went another. Most upsetting was that the girl didn’t even try to hide it, especially during the last couple of weeks since Dell had taken some cattle to sell in Abilene.
“Well,” Cassidy replied with a shrug, “I assume if you don’t want to go to school anymore, you probably intend to marry and care for a home.”
Tarah blushed but eyed her suspiciously.
Ah, so I’m right. She does have a beau.
“How do you plan to do that without learning how? Taking care of a home requires some training. It certainly doesn’t come naturally.”
Placing her hands on slender hips, Tarah huffed indignantly. “I took care of this family while Pa was away marrying you.”
“I don’t know,” said Cassidy dubiously. “It took me a week to get this place to shine when I first came. My muscles ached for days.” Well, maybe not that long.
A look of indecision crossed Tarah’s features. “Maybe I don’t know all there is to keeping house,” she said with more humility than Cassidy had ever observed in the girl. “But I’ll learn.”
Cassidy softened. “I could teach you, if you’d let me.”
The moment was broken by a stomp of a small boot on the wood floor. “If Tarah isn’t going,” announced Emily, “then I’m not either.”
Now she was outgunned by both willful girls. Cassidy shook her head and looked pointedly at Tarah. For all of Tarah’s hatefulness toward Cassidy, she was Emily’s hero. Surprisingly the sixteen-year-old hadn’t balked about sharing her room. Cassidy suspected it was because she identified with the little girl’s loss of her mother.
Tarah scowled. “Em, you have to go to school. Do you want to grow up to be an idiot?”
“No, but I don’t want to go without you,” she said, eyes filled with pleading. “I won’t know anyone.”
“Oh, honestly.”
“Maybe you could go just this first week until Emily adjusts to a new school,” Cassidy suggested casually. “It would be a big help.”
Tarah grabbed their lunches from the table and shoved Emily’s into her hands.
“All right. But just this week.”
With a sigh of relief, Cassidy watched the four older children set off for town two miles away.
The township of Harper boasted a little sod schoolhouse that would serve as a church as well as a school once they found a preacher willing to stay. So far, services were held only when the circuit rider came through every few months.
The teacher had arrived just the week before and would take turns boarding with the families in the community. Thankfully there were enough families to house her for the three-month term so that she wouldn’t need to stay at the ranch. Cassidy couldn’t have stood the humiliation of yet another woman knowing about her living arrangements.
As she headed toward the kitchen, a small sigh from Jack brought her up short.
“What’s wrong, honey?”
The little boy still sat at the table, his chin jammed onto one chubby palm. “I don’t see why I can’t go to school, too. Pa says I’m smart.”
A smile lifted the corners of Cassidy’s mouth. “Your pa’s right of course. But who’s going to watch out for Warrior if you go to school all day?”
A frown creased his brow as he considered her words.
“By the time you’re old enough for school,” Cassidy pressed on, “Warrior won’t need quite as much attention as he does right now.”
“I guess you’re right.” He stood and gave her a bright grin. “Think I’ll go find him so he doesn’t get into trouble.”
“I think that’s a smart idea.”
He beamed up at her and took off out the door, calling for the pup.
Cassidy grinned and shook her head, then turned her mind back to the task at hand. Stepping into the kitchen, she glanced around at the mess. She had postponed the cleaning up until after the children were off to school and was now faced with a pile of dishes to wash. With a heavy sigh, she took the dishpan from its peg on the wall and set it on the counter. Grabbing the fresh bucket of water from the corner, she filled the basin and picked up a dirty plate.
Her stomach turned at the sight and smell of the dried egg yolk crusted on the dish, and she fought to keep from vomiting in the fresh water. She quickly realized it was a losing battle and, dropping the dish, bolted. Rushing through the kitchen door, practically knocking Ellen over as she did, Cassidy ran outside. Bending over the porch rail, she retched violently until she lost every last bit of her breakfast.
She felt a cloth being pressed into her hand and looked up in surprise to find Ellen standing beside her.
“Thank you,” she said, wiping her mouth.
“So he’s done it to you, too.”
Wearily Cassidy sank onto the porch and leaned her head against the rail, fighting a wave of dizziness. “What do you mean?”
“Are you that foolish?” Ellen laughed without humor. “I’ve watched your bouts of sickness for three months, waiting for you to figure out your condition.”
“Do you mean…?” She grabbed the woman’s gnarled hand. “Ellen, do you think I’m with child?”
She shrugged, pulling her hand away. “What else?”
“Oh Lord, thank You,” Cassidy prayed, unmindful of the woman standing over her.
“I hope you’re still thanking Him when the time comes,” Ellen replied with a snort, then turned and limped back into the house.
With a sense of wonder, Cassidy placed a tender hand on her stomach. “Hello, little one,” she spoke softly, her heart filling with love for the unborn child. “So you’re the reason I’ve been sick and haven’t had my—”
In spite of herself, Cassidy felt her face grow warm. Curiously it had never occurred to her that pregnancy might be the reason she’d failed to have her woman time the past couple of months. She’d been afraid she was passing the time for childbearing. The thought had filled her with dread and despair.
Now she felt indescribable joy and relief. With a gasp, she stopped basking in the joy of her discovery. Anxiety wrapped around Cassidy’s heart as she wondered how to tell her husband the news. Given the circumstances, he wouldn’t be happy. Well, she just wouldn’t tell him for now. She didn’t want anything to spoil her happiness.
Cassidy remained on the porch for a while, reveling in the knowledge of the little secret growing inside of her. Finally, with a sigh, she remembered the pile of breakfast dishes awaiting her. Standing on still-trembling legs, she made her way through the door and to the kitchen. She stopped short in surprise at the sight that greeted her. Ellen stood over the counter, drying the freshly washed dishes.
Too stunned to speak, Cassidy stood dumbly in the doorway.
Glancing over her shoulder, Ellen grunted when she spied Cassidy. “I won’t have you overworking yourself and leaving those children motherless again.” Her voice broke slightly. “I’ll take over some of the household duties.”
“Thank you for your kindness, but I think I’m fine now. You mustn’t overdo it,” Cassidy said gently, stepping into the kitchen. “I couldn’t let you—”
Ellen lifted a hand in silence. “I wasn’t here for my daughter, and she died. If I had been, I could
have spared her some of this backbreaking work, maybe even saved her life.” Her eyes were tortured. “It’s no secret that I am not happy to have another woman in the house, but I can’t deny you’ve been good to me. Please, I need to do this,” she finished, barely above a whisper, her tone almost pleading.
“Then at least let me make us some coffee and we can sit together and talk. Maybe it’s time we got to know each other.”
With only a moment’s hesitation, Ellen nodded.
Cassidy went about making the coffee while the older woman limped to the table and sat.
As the water boiled, Cassidy sliced some bread and took down a jar of strawberry preserves. Now that her stomach had settled, she found herself ravenous. She placed the bread, preserves, and two steaming cups of coffee on a tray and walked to the dining area to join Ellen.
Lord, please let us become friends. It’ll make things so much easier on the children—and myself.
“Here we go.” With a smile, she set the tray on the table.
“Thank you,” Ellen said stiffly, accepting the cup of coffee.
They sat in uncomfortable silence for a moment until Cassidy found a common topic of conversation. “I met Olive and George on the way here.”
From the hungry look on Ellen’s face, Cassidy could see she’d chosen the right subject.
“How is my daughter?”
“She seems well. As a matter of fact, I found her delightful. She and George have a cozy little home.”
Ellen’s face darkened. “She should never have married that man only five years after Peter’s death.”
“Peter?”
“Her husband. He was killed in the war.”
“I—I had no idea.”
A faraway look came into Ellen’s eyes. “I thought we were doing the right thing by moving here to help Dell care for the children. Peter was gone the first year of the war, and my husband soon after.” There was bitterness in her voice as she continued. “The Yankees burned our plantation to the ground when they came through. We lived in the overseer’s house until I received word of Anna’s death. With my husband gone and the house burned and most of our friends worse off than we were, there was no reason to stay in Georgia. So here we are.”
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