The Fear of Surrender

by Morticia Knight

  After one last look, Linus grabbed his one hat, scrambled out of the door then jumped onto the graveled driveway. He frowned at the dust he’d stirred that had in turn coated the bottom of his pants leg. Brushing it off quickly before running toward Lake Avenue, his heart hammered away. His anxiousness to make it to the Pacific Electric’s Red Car on time was part of it—his excitement to see Thomas the other.

  He made it in plenty of time and soon the electric train carried him closer to the center of Pasadena, closer to Thomas. Staring down at his hands, he made sure not to make eye contact with anyone. He didn’t want to do anything that might encourage a stranger to speak to him. Every time the car slowed to drop off or pick up more passengers, Linus would take a peek to make sure it wasn’t his stop yet. It had been necessary for him to go over the locations several times in his mind. A slip of paper in his pocket had the directions to remind him should he forget in his nervousness. Even though he’d been new to Hollywood and hadn’t known it all that well, his knowledge of Pasadena was almost non-existent.

  At last, the train arrived at his stop. He hurried to exit the car then stood where the next one would come to pick him up. It wasn’t too much farther to his destination, then he would be with Thomas again. A light sweat broke out on his brow. The day was warm, even as the sun dropped lower in the sky, but his nerves were soaring.

  He glanced up the street to see if the next Red Car was on its way and when he turned back to face forward, he sensed someone staring at him. Before he could stop himself, he checked to see who it was. His eyes went wide. Standing next to him was the only date he’d ever been concerned about. The much older man had tried to fuck Linus, pawing at him and tempting him with a twenty-dollar bill. He’d promised to be gentle, but Linus had refused. He’d never let a man penetrate, touch or suck him for money. They’d been in the dark hallway near the restrooms of the speakeasy. Someone had interrupted them and Linus had scurried away. After that one date, Linus had stayed far away from the man.

  “Nice day we’re having, isn’t it?” The man—Fred?—leered at him.

  Linus glanced around anxiously. There were other passengers waiting nearby, so Linus was fairly certain he was safe. Fred advanced toward him and Linus stepped back. He checked behind him and was dismayed that Fred seemed to be guiding him in the direction of an alley. He could take off running, but he’d miss the train and he didn’t want to lose out on seeing Thomas.

  While he pondered what to do, the much larger Fred moved closer to him again. Linus could smell the acrid sweat rising off the intimidating man and he was reminded of other reasons why he’d found the date he’d had with him so unpleasant.

  “No reason not to be polite, now is there, Linus?” He leaned close to his ear, Linus jerking his head back in case they touched. “I haven’t been able to get that sweet little ass off my mind. Where’ve you been?”

  “Get away from him. Now.”

  Thomas loomed over his harasser and Linus was almost dizzy with relief.

  “Buzz off, mac. I’m just having a friendly chat with a good pal.”

  “I said, get away from him. He’s not interested.”

  The man whirled around and Linus froze, terrified that he might hurt Thomas.

  “Oh, I get it.” He snickered. “You want a shot at the kid too. Well forget it. He’s mine.”

  Thomas clamped a hand on the man’s upper arm. “That’s where you’re mistaken.” Thomas’ voice held a stern warning. “If I were to call out ‘thief’, I’m sure Linus would back me up to the cops.” Thomas glanced his way. “Am I correct?”

  Linus nodded frantically. “Yes, Sir. Yes I would.”

  Fred shook Thomas’ hand off him, grunting. “Go on and take the little ragamuffin, then. I wager you’ll have no better luck prying apart those cheeks than I did.”

  His would be attacker stomped away, no doubt deciding he didn’t need to wait for the rail car after all. Linus looked at Thomas, noting the concern shining from his eyes.

  “Are you all right?”

  “I…yes, Sir.” He let out a long breath, some of his tension easing away. “I was so scared. He’s not a nice man at all. Thank you so much.”

  “You know him?”

  Oh God.

  The heat in him rose up until his face felt as if it were on fire. How could he explain such a thing to Thomas? Then he really would be disgusted by him. He lowered his head, the shame too much for him to bear.

  “Linus. I asked you a question and I’d like a response.”

  “I should go. I’m not a good person.” He turned to leave even as tears spilled onto his suit jacket.

  Thomas grabbed his upper arm, gently yet firmly. “Stop that. Is this because he was someone who hired you from before?”

  Linus gasped, jerking his head up. “How did…?” Anger filled him. “Who told you? Saul? Aaron?”

  More tears came, but this time it was from fury. He’d only ever told them because he’d been scared, confused. They had offered to help. How could they betray him that way? It was another reason why he never told anyone personal things. His cousin Arnold had gotten him into trouble because Linus had opened his big mouth.

  Arnold was the one who’d told his father that Linus had confessed he had a crush on one of the farmhands. He’d only been twelve at the time and he’d been terrified over what his father might do. He hadn’t understood a lot, but he knew well enough to know that his parents wouldn’t want him pining for another boy. His father hadn’t beaten or yelled at him, but the look of disappointment on his face had hurt more than a thrashing ever could have. He knew it was part of the reason his family had never discouraged him when he’d said he wanted to move to California. They’d even offered to help as much as they could so that he’d be able to go.

  “Linus, please keep your voice down. Now we’re attracting attention again. May I take you to my vehicle so we can talk this out? I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

  “Why bother?” His voice was still tinged with hurt, anger. “It’s not as if you’ll want to have anything to do with me anymore.”

  Thomas let out an exasperated sigh. “Linus, think this through. I’ve obviously known about your circumstances before now and it certainly hasn’t prevented me from wanting to take you to dinner or seek out a relationship with you, now has it?”

  He frowned as the truth of what Thomas said hit him. “But…”

  “Come on. Let’s discuss this.” Thomas softened his tone. “Please? I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day.”

  Linus had to admit he’d felt the same and didn’t want to miss out on a potential future with Thomas. “Okay.”

  Thomas let go of his arm. “I’m parked around the corner.”

  He gestured with his hand and Linus headed in the direction he’d indicated. Another thought occurred to him. “How did you find me here?”

  “Car. I’ll tell you everything, remember?”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  Thomas groaned. “God, how I love to hear you say that. But please, just Thomas for now.”

  Linus nodded. “Okay. Thomas.”

  Once they reached the white convertible, Thomas opened the door for him then he climbed inside. Thomas joined him and they sat in silence for a moment.

  “Linus, I’m going to tell you all I know about you and perhaps you’ll feel comfortable enough to share even more with me.” Thomas angled his body so he faced him. “And I want you to feel free to ask me anything you want to know about me as well. My only intention is that there be truth between us.”

  Linus nodded, but couldn’t meet Thomas’ eyes yet. “I want that too.”

  “Good. I’m glad.” He squeezed Linus’ arm briefly then let go. “After Preston hurt you, I wanted to go after him. Hurt him too. Saul and Aaron stopped me.”

  Linus lifted his gaze to meet Thomas’. There really were things about Thomas he knew nothing about.

  Thomas continued. “They promised that they would find you
and make sure you were okay. After they picked you up from the flophouse then brought you to Aaron’s, I guess you told them what you’d been doing in order to survive?”

  Linus swallowed, the effects of his shame threatening to close up his throat again. “I, um, I only told them because they wanted to know if I had a job somewhere that I would need transportation to.” He dropped his head again. “I didn’t think they’d tell anyone else, um, especially you.”

  Thomas placed a finger under his chin and gently encouraged him to lift it. He locked eyes with him. “It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. But after what just happened, you can see why it’s not a good idea, right?”

  “Right.” He scrunched his eyebrows. “But why did they tell you what I did?”

  “They were worried about you too.” Thomas cleared his throat. “It was clear that I’d taken an interest in you and as Dominant men, we tend to be rather protective. It’s in our nature, I suppose. We want to take care of all of our man’s needs in the same way a submissive wants to please his Master. It merely manifests itself in a different way.” Thomas brushed his knuckles across Linus’ cheek before letting his hand drop. “They gave me that information in case I was ever to need it. As it turns out, when I saw that man advance on you just now, I surmised he’d been a previous client.”

  “But how did you know I’d be there?”

  A guilty look crossed Thomas’ face. “I followed the Red Car to ensure you made it to the restaurant safely.”

  Linus stared at Thomas, trying to decide if he was flattered or upset. “Why?”

  Thomas scrubbed his face with one hand. “Linus.” He sighed but kept his gaze locked on his. “I have a great fondness for you. As you know, I am a Dominant man. That protective streak I just described? You brought it out in me from almost the first time we met. Now that I’m pursuing what I hope will be a steady relationship between us, I can’t help but want to see to your well-being—to provide for your safety as well as all your needs.”

  All Linus could do was blink repeatedly. Various emotions crashed through him. His anger melted away into something else—something new and frightening. It was what Ned had described to him the first night he’d taken him to Hampton Road. His date had thought that Linus needed a man who would cherish him above all else, who Linus could surrender to completely. It had sounded incredible. The idea of not only having a permanent lover, but one who gave him all his attention in such a demanding way was something he’d never known existed. Allowing that lover to do things to him the way Thomas had was even better. The spankings. The blindfold. The silk ropes. He’d wanted more, wanted to know what else there was.

  He wanted Thomas.

  Chapter Four

  Thomas realized how overwhelming their whole discussion must be for Linus. At the same time, he was glad things had come out in the open. He wanted nothing more than to have all of Linus’ trust, and the episode at the train stop had solidified his resolve. In his heart, Linus was already his boy. All that remained was discovering whether Linus would agree to submit to him and if they were compatible enough to last. He had an inkling that the question of whether Linus would surrender or not would take some time.

  “Do you have any other questions?”

  Linus shook his head, still appearing to be in a daze.

  “Words please.”

  “That’s part of it, right?”

  “Beg pardon?”

  Linus bit at his bottom lip, looking unsure of himself. “Always answering out loud. That’s one of those, um, Dominant things?”

  Thomas considered Linus. A thought struck him. “How many clubs have you been to before Hampton Road? I never saw you there before that night a month or so ago when you came in with who I now assume was one of your dates.”

  “Um, I…” Linus’ gaze flitted around, nervousness clearly upon him.

  Thomas was sure he had his answer, but in the interest of continuing to encourage Linus to express himself, he wanted to hear him say it.

  “Linus. Please tell me what other experience you’ve had as a submissive man prior to Hampton Road.”

  His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, but Linus looked directly at Thomas. “None.”

  “Had you ever even heard of such a thing before you went to the club?”

  He shook his head then quickly recovered. “No.”

  Thomas maintained his composure, careful not to let Linus see any discomfort he might have. He sensed it wouldn’t take much for Linus to shut down again.

  “Okay. Did you ever go in a private room with your date at the club?”

  “No. He told me before we got there that he, um, he didn’t want to be alone with me. He brought me because he thought the club was something I might be interested in and he, um, he stayed with me to make sure no one bothered me until I’d decided whether I wanted to go back or not. We only went to a demonstration.”

  “What was the demonstration?”

  “Oh, um, it was Sam and Aaron. He had Sam tied up with ropes all over him. They were in some sort of pattern and he had a mask over his eyes. Aaron kept teasing him with all these different colored scarves by, um, trailing them on his body. I could tell Sam really liked it. He made all sorts of noises and Aaron was so, um…I don’t know. I could see how much he loved him, the way he looked at him…”

  There was a far-off expression in Linus’ eyes and Thomas thought he’d hit on something. The most sentences he’d ever heard Linus string together happened to be when he was discussing a binding and teasing of the senses demonstration between two men. Not only was he sure that Linus would benefit from submitting to another man—hopefully him—he had an idea of what might appeal to him.

  “What was more exciting to you—what they were doing or that you were watching them do it? Or that they were doing it while others watched them?”

  As Thomas expected, Linus’ cheeks flushed.

  “Oh, um, I liked what they were doing. I mean, Sam obviously liked it so I thought it must be very good.” He lowered his head and mumbled something Thomas couldn’t understand.

  “Linus, could you look at me please? I couldn’t understand a blasted thing you just said.”

  “Oh, um, sorry. I liked watching.” He swallowed hard. “But I wouldn’t want anyone to see me.” He flushed again.

  Thomas smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way. “This is good. Very good.” He rubbed his thumb across Linus’ chin. “Did you like what we did together? You can tell me if you didn’t. It won’t upset me.”

  “Oh no, I liked everything we did.” He bit his bottom lip as if considering whether he should keep going or not. At last he fixed Thomas with a stare. “All of it.”

  Thomas held Linus’ gaze and tried to ascertain what it was Linus was trying to tell him. The boy had expressed himself very well so far and he didn’t want to push him too hard. He ran the different activities they’d engaged in through his mind, eventually bringing up his memories of their last night together. It was the night Thomas had been on the verge of asking Linus to submit to him exclusively, at least for a period of time. His lust for him had been so strong, that while Linus had been masked and tied to a large ottoman, Thomas had asked if he could penetrate him, fuck him. Linus had heartily agreed, begged him to.

  He was so damn tight. Like a vise around my cock.

  “Oh, Jesus.” He glanced around to make sure there was no one nearby to observe them. He took Linus’ hand. “Was I your first?”

  Linus squeezed his fingers in what seemed like fear or worry, he couldn’t tell. “Yes. My first. My only.”

  Thomas straightened but kept a hold of Linus’ hand. “Only? What about Preston?”

  Linus shook his head vehemently, tightening his grip even more. “No. Never. He wanted to but I kept saying no. That last time, um, he…” Tears filled his eyes. “I’d thought that you didn’t want me anymore, so I um, I decided I would let him do it to me. When Kenneth went to get the oil, I changed my mind. I couldn’t. I didn’
t want him, I wanted you.” He dipped his chin, the tears spilling out. “He got angry, tried to make me, but Kenneth…”

  Linus yanked his hand away and covered his face, the tears turning into sobs. Thomas’ heart ached for the young man. Had he known Linus had been a virgin, he wouldn’t have taken him that way for his first time. He glanced around again, making sure not to make eye contact with a couple walking past on the sidewalk and somewhat interested as to why there was a man seated next to him in his car weeping. Once they’d moved on, Thomas rubbed Linus’ back in slow circles, trying to soothe him the best that he could out in the open.

  He leaned close to him, careful to keep his voice calm and gentle. “Linus. Like I said before, I wish I could go back and change what happened to you. I wish I hadn’t taken another boy when you were there, hadn’t left you feeling I didn’t want you.” He sucked in a sharp breath. “And, God, what I wouldn’t do to have made your first time better than it was. I wish you had told me.”

  Linus lifted his head, his eyes red and swollen. He rubbed his nose with the back of his shirt sleeve. “My first time couldn’t have been any better. I mean it.”

  Thomas plucked a handkerchief from his suit jacket then handed it to Linus.

  He blew his nose, then after a few stuttered breaths, continued. “It was wonderful. I only wanted it to be you again.”

  Thomas nodded. “So we really are starting over, even more than I’d realized.”

  Linus cocked his head. “What do you mean?”

  “If you still want to explore those things with me that you liked, we can start fresh. I can explain Dominance and submission to you as if you’ve never heard of it before. And you won’t pretend you know things already when you really don’t.”

  “I’m sorry, Thomas.” Linus appeared very ashamed of himself.

  Thomas kept up the motion of his hand on Linus’ back. “Apology accepted. A new beginning, then.”

  Linus peered up at him, a tinge of worry in his eyes. “I, um, don’t be mad, but I still don’t want to go to the club.”