The Fear of Surrender

by Morticia Knight

  Thomas nodded. “I know. I’m going to assume that’s the case unless you tell me different. Agreed?”

  The sigh Linus released indicated to Thomas how much of a concern the club still was for him. Thomas wished more than ever to have the chance to take a swing at Preston.

  “Agreed.”

  “You must be starving.” Thomas pulled out his pocket watch. “It’s almost seven thirty. Are you feeling okay about me driving you now?”

  Linus groaned. “Yes. Sorry. I’ve been acting so strange lately.”

  “You’re not acting strange at all. I would say you have excellent reasons for being careful. However, you might need some guidance on the best ways to go about being careful. As it turns out, the rail car ended up being much more dangerous than the convertible.”

  Linus gave him a guilty smile. “Okay. I’m not afraid to be alone with you anymore. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you.”

  “Let’s forget about all of that, shall we? Even if you’re not starving, I am. Ready for some Italian food?”

  “Sure, Thomas. That sounds great.”

  He smiled a beautiful wide smile and Thomas felt as if he’d crossed a huge chasm with him. Even though the shyness was still there, he could detect the first stirrings of Linus opening up to him. It sent a thrill to his heart at what it would be like once Linus let go completely, once he surrendered himself to Thomas’ will.

  * * * *

  Linus held the bag of leftover food on his lap. Again he found himself sitting next to Thomas as he drove him back up the hill to the guesthouse. The dinner had been fantastic. He’d never had lasagna before, but he hoped to have it another time. Thomas promised to take him back to Del Rio’s and it made Linus happy for more than one reason. Yes, he wanted to try more Italian dishes, but more importantly, it meant that Thomas was serious about them going around together.

  He hadn’t even ruined everything with his outburst.

  It wasn’t how he’d envisioned coming clean to Thomas, but he was relieved it was all finally out in the open. As Thomas had said, they were starting fresh. He glanced over at him, Thomas keeping his eyes on the road before them. Now that he was ready to give him a chance, he was also back to fantasizing about him. He remembered that even though Thomas was tall and lean, he was strong, with a lightly muscled frame and limbs. His body had felt so comforting when he’d been draped over Linus, pushing into him, covering him completely.

  He shuddered.

  “Chilly?”

  Linus chuckled. “No. You asked me that last time.”

  “I’ll always ask about your well-being.”

  Linus shuddered again. Just thinking about Thomas taking care of him, protecting him, commanding him—it made him shiver with want. He gasped as his cock lengthened.

  “Are you sure you’re not cold?”

  “No. Not cold at all.”

  He tried not to groan the words out, adjusting the bag of food to make sure it covered his lap completely. A part of him wanted to ask Thomas in, to give himself over to however Thomas wanted, but the rest of him was still not sure he was ready. Would Thomas pressure him? He frowned to himself. After all they’d talked about before and during dinner, how could he still be so distrusting of Thomas’ motives?

  He’d asked Thomas so many questions at Del Rio’s, he was sure Thomas must have been tired of it. But he hadn’t acted that way. He’d shared with Linus all about his new accounting business he’d opened up since moving to Los Angeles, and how Theodore—an attorney—had already helped him to get many clients from the studios. He talked about how he’d moved to California four years before from Dallas, Texas and that he much preferred the west coast. He’d explained that there were a lot of opportunities for men to make a great life for themselves in California and that he liked being by the ocean.

  When Linus had inquired about other men in Thomas’ life, he’d seemed melancholy at first. He’d confided that there had been one man he’d been deeply in love with, but that things hadn’t worked out. Thomas must have noticed the questioning look on Linus’ face, because he’d elaborated by saying he’d tell him the whole story one day, but didn’t want it to cast a pall over their nice evening out.

  But their night was drawing to a close, and Linus didn’t want it to end. They reached the long dirt driveway that led back to the guesthouse and it made him sad. Spending the previous few hours with Thomas had been the best thing that had happened to him since…well, since the last time he’d spent time with Thomas. There was something about him that put Linus at ease. It was more than how attracted he was to him. Somehow, it was easier for him to talk to Thomas than it was with other people—even easier than it was with Sam or Francesco. And much, much easier than it had ever been with anyone in his family.

  After the bumpy ride to his current home, they came to a stop. Linus took a deep breath, pleased to note that he hadn’t been overcome with the urge to run from the motorcar to get away from Thomas. Instead, he wanted to drag him into the house. He chuckled.

  Thomas angled his body toward him, one arm draped over the steering wheel. “Well, that’s nice to hear.”

  A rush of shyness washed over him. “Oh, um…”

  “I’m not going to stay. But I’d like a kiss if that’s all right with you?”

  His cheeks burned. “It’s all right.”

  Thomas leaned in and Linus looked into Thomas’ eyes. He kept them open as Thomas descended on his mouth, capturing his lips in a gentle kiss. Linus closed his lids and let go, allowing Thomas to wrap his arms around him. He sank into the sensation of being held, cradled. Thomas used his hands to massage his flesh, then knocked the fedora from his head as he tangled his fingers in his hair. Using his tongue, Thomas sought entrance to Linus’ mouth. Linus opened to him and he plunged in, licking and tasting him as if he was staking his claim.

  Yes. I want to be his.

  When Thomas ended the kiss, they were both breathless and Linus was as hard as steel. Thomas pressed his lips to Linus’ forehead, brushing them back and forth as he continued to thread his fingers through Linus’ hair.

  “I’m afraid I’ve ruined your slick back.” Thomas kept one hand tangled in his locks and reached into his pocket with the other. He retrieved a handkerchief but merely laid it on his lap. “I don’t want to let you go.” There was a contented smile on his face.

  “Um, sorry, I don’t have any Brilliantine. It costs too much, so I always use Vaseline.”

  “No complaints. I wager oil is just as messy as jelly.” He winked at Linus. “One of the hazards of passion.”

  Linus laughed. It felt so good to be with Thomas. He really didn’t want him to leave. After taking a final too-quick kiss with only one swipe of his tongue, Thomas removed both his hands from Linus’ hair then wiped them off.

  “I’m going to wait right here until you’re safely inside. I’d walk you to the door, but I’m not that strong of a man when it comes to resisting you.”

  Linus wished he could think of something to keep Thomas there a bit longer without resorting to shameless begging. “Will I see you again soon?”

  Thomas brought Linus’ hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles before lowering it. “I’ll be in Hollywood all day tomorrow, but I have some clients in this part of town I need to visit the day after. How about I stop by with some lunch? We can eat at that picnic bench in the back.”

  “Oh, sure. That would be swell.”

  He tried not to make his voice sound too disappointed. He’d been thinking more along the lines of a nighttime visit where they could be alone together. It was easy to understand why Thomas wouldn’t be inclined to invite him over where they could be like that after all the fussing he’d made about it. But hadn’t he also asked him if he wanted to do the same things he’d done before with Thomas?

  “Soon, Linus. After all you’ve been through, there’s no reason to hurry. I’m not going anywhere.” He leaned in to give him a chaste kiss. “I promise.”

  “Oka
y. Lunch the day after tomorrow then?”

  Thomas gave him another wink. “Lunch it is.”

  * * * *

  After two lunches, another dinner and a day at the beach followed by the picture show, Thomas wasn’t sure how much longer he could wait to get Linus in his bed. It had been difficult in more ways than one. While his cock had taken to being hard on an almost constant, excruciatingly uncomfortable basis, his accounting business had been absorbing much of his life as well. He had some new high-paying clients who needed immediate help to untangle the mess they’d made of their books. It was time for him to move the business out of the study in his home and to an office building, but with how busy he’d been courting Linus, he hadn’t had the opportunity to search for an appropriate location. It was also imperative that he hire some help.

  The phone jangled and he looked up from the pile of papers that had all begun to swim together into one massive swirl in order to grab the receiver.

  “Hello, Thomas Fleming here.”

  “Thomas?”

  He would recognize that shy voice anywhere.

  “Linus. It’s wonderful to hear from you. There’s nothing wrong, is there?”

  It wasn’t his intent to come off as overly concerned all the time, but it couldn’t be helped. There was a vulnerability to Linus that spoke to him. However, he knew in his heart that there was also a reserve of strength that he ached to uncover. Linus couldn’t have made it to Hollywood on his own without it. Once Linus allowed him to work on their dynamic as Master and submissive, he was certain it would be unleashed. It would be a wonderful day when Linus realized how strong he really was.

  “No, um…”

  “What is it?”

  “I miss you.”

  It felt as though a fist had clutched around Thomas’ heart. “I miss you too, Linus.” He glanced over at his calendar. Meetings with clients, appointments with leasing companies, the final vote on rules at Hampton Road… “I’m afraid this is a tough week for me though. Every day is rather full. Let me go over next week’s schedule, then I’ll call you later when I have a better idea of when we can get together. How does that sound?”

  “Sure. I understand.”

  Thomas could hear the disappointment in Linus’ voice. But what other choice did he have? He had to take care of business matters before seeking pleasure.

  “Thank you, Linus. I appreciate your understanding. I would much rather be with you than dealing with any of these other obligations. Soon, all right?”

  “Okay. Soon.”

  “I’ll call you later. I have to go now.”

  “Okay, Thomas. Have a good day.”

  Thomas had to smile. It really was nice to hear Linus’ voice. “You too, Linus. Thank you for calling.”

  After he placed the phone back in the receiver, he steepled his fingers and squinted his eyes as he stared at some random point out the window. Linus was a lonely man. He’d suspected as much. It concerned him in the sense that he’d never desired a submissive who he took responsibility for night and day. He needed someone more independent who fell into that dynamic in their shared household, and perhaps, at a club. Aaron and Saul’s lives were much different than his—they could afford to devote all of their time to the needs of their boys. It was also something they apparently desired to do.

  His stray thoughts unnerved him. It was a discussion he would need to have very soon with Linus before they went any further. He’d discussed a Dominant and submissive relationship in the vaguest of terms with Linus in order to acclimate him to the idea, but they’d done nothing other than kiss and embrace. Most of their communication had been lighter—learning each other’s histories, telling stories from their lives, discussing likes and dislikes in all areas.

  It had been wonderful and Thomas treasured every moment he’d spent with Linus and hoped for more. But if it became clear that Linus needed a Master more in line with what Aaron and Saul provided, he had to know right away. He was falling in love with Linus, and he didn’t want to discover that they couldn’t build a life together before he completely fell.

  Chapter Five

  Linus paced around the guesthouse. It was so boring. Sam had left a few hours before with Aaron to go to Hampton Road. No one bothered inviting him anymore.

  Whose fault is that?

  He didn’t care about Hampton Road right then. All he cared about was Thomas. Sam had told him earlier in the day when they’d shared their lunch—in between trimming all the roses—that it was the big night when the board members would vote on the new rules for the club. It was a good thing. Linus was glad. But he also knew that Thomas and everyone else would be there and he would be right where he was at that moment—alone and bored out of his skull.

  Thomas had promised to call, but he must’ve forgotten because Linus had never heard from him. Aaron had been in the main house where the phone was all day and hadn’t come to get him. He was too embarrassed to quiz Master Aaron about whether Thomas had called.

  He glanced at the owl’s stomach. It was only seven o’clock. The night seemed as if it would go on forever. He dug the calling card Thomas had given him out of his pocket—he kept it with him all the time. After checking the address on the card, he picked up the Pacific Electric schedule. If he hurried, he could make the last train that would take him within a few blocks of where Thomas lived.

  His gut churned with worry over what he was about to do. It was very presumptuous of him. Still, Thomas had said that he wished they could spend more time together. Maybe he was concerned that Linus was still afraid of him and was trying to be gentlemanly by never getting him alone. Linus wanted to be alone with him more than anything.

  Before he could ponder it too much more and maybe change his mind, he grabbed his suit coat and hat then raced out of the door. All he could think of as he ran to catch the Red Car was that he would be seeing Thomas soon. Seeing, kissing, touching—he would tell Thomas that he wasn’t afraid anymore. He would tell him he was ready to start over at the club.

  * * * *

  “That was grueling.”

  Thomas chuckled at Aaron, stretching his arms and legs after sitting for so long. It had been rather exhausting. But they had a solid list of about a dozen rules that they would be drafting up. All existing and new Masters had to sign an agreement that they would abide by them at all times within the walls of the club. If they were discovered breaking any of the rules, they were given a warning. If they were caught again, they would be banned for life. After some dissention over the strictness of the new policy, they’d finally agreed that the safety of the submissives overruled all other considerations.

  The other board members were chatting and Thomas noted Saul seemed about ready to leave. He barely let Kenneth out of his sight.

  Thomas checked his pocket watch.

  A little after nine. Not too terribly late.

  He wondered how Linus was.

  “Oh shit.”

  Aaron arched an eyebrow at him. “Was there something else you’d wanted to bring up before we adjourned?”

  “No, it’s not that. Dammit. I told Linus I would call him earlier, but a client rang with an emergency and I…” He sighed. “I haven’t been much of a friend or…anything to him. I’m afraid I’ve been so busy I’ve neglected his needs.”

  “It’s still early now. Why don’t you go pay him a visit at the guesthouse?” Aaron winked.

  “Well, that’s just it. I’ve been avoiding being alone with him.”

  Aaron straightened, an expression of wide-eyed shock on his face. “Whatever for? Is he still frightened of you?”

  “Oh no, not at all. As a matter of fact, he’s been quite affectionate and open with me. For instance, he’s the one that rung me earlier to say he missed me.”

  Aaron folded his arms across his chest, pursing his lips. “What exactly is going on then? Why are you keeping him at arm’s length? Are you no longer enamored of him? Because if that’s the case, you should really—”

/>   “Wait, no! I’m more than enamored. I’m more than fond. I’m…” Thomas bowed his head. “I’m very confused.”

  “Well, I know I certainly am.” Aaron leaned back in the wing chair he occupied and crossed his legs. “Out with it. Since you’re obviously head over heels for the young man and he apparently feels the same, then what, pray tell, is holding you back?”

  “I’m concerned that he might be expecting a round-the-clock Master, such as what you share with Sam. That’s not what I’m searching for in a partner.”

  Aaron regarded him with what looked like amusement. “A few weeks ago, you were lamenting whether he would ever want any type of dominance at all and now you’re worried that he might want to be dominated all the time? I’d say you’ve confused yourself. How did you ever arrive at the brilliant conclusion that he was seeking daily discipline and such?”

  “He just seems very lonely to me, like he really needs someone.”

  Aaron snorted. “Of course he needs someone. Isn’t that part of what drew you to him as a Master? And anyway, are you also trying to tell me you don’t need him either?”

  Frowning, Thomas resisted the urge to snap at his friend. “I didn’t say that.”

  “Oh? Then what were you saying?”

  Thomas wanted to beat his fists into the wall out of frustration. All he desired was Linus. Night and day, he thought only of him. But he’d always been taught that work comes first and everything else happens when time permits.

  If it ever permits.

  He recalled all the lonely nights his mother spent while his father had chased his business dreams outside the home. Yes, he’d worked very hard for his family and had provided them with an exceptionally comfortable living. However, it had been at the cost of his health. Instead of mourning the absence of a missing husband, his mother had mourned a husband who’d dropped dead of a heart attack at forty-two years of age.