The Princess & the Penis

by RJ Silver

  The princess cringed at this thought, but felt she had no choice other than to agree.

  * * *

  Once again, great anticipation accompanied the opening of the tower door the next morning. This time, however, Amalia emerged neither happy nor well-rested.

  “It didn’t leave, did it?” said the king.

  “To the contrary,” replied Amalia. “It did exactly as I asked.”

  Gasps of surprise and relief filled the room.

  “Gone? Departed for good?” said the king.

  “Yes,” said the princess.

  “Then why so sad?”

  “Because I feel as if I let it down. As if it needed something from me, I was its only hope, and now that hope is gone.”

  “What penis doesn’t try to make you feel that way?” whispered Aunt Ingrid to her sister.

  “Until you give it what it wants,” Aunt Leila whispered back. “Then it gallops off like a highwayman after a heist.”

  “But don’t you see, daughter?” said the king. “This is glorious – glorious! Now Prince Rupert won’t have to hear a single word about it.”

  Amalia sighed. “Yes, Father. I’m glad you’re happy. I just hope we haven’t hurt some innocent soul in the process.”

  “Nonsense, child,” said the king. “You’ve done the right thing. Now we can finally ready ourselves for the prince’s arrival tomorrow.”

  Chapter 7

  Prince Rupert

  The trumpets sounded as the castle gates opened. Aunt Ingrid, Aunt Leila, and Amalia watched from the royal box to the left of the receiving platform. Arginy’s famous Silver Guard appeared first: twelve tall knights on majestic steeds, riders and horses alike gleaming in silver armor.

  Behind the Silver Guard came four knights and horses clad entirely in gold.

  Behind these came eight black horses pulling such a large golden carriage, it looked like a temple on wheels. Sitting atop the carriage and clad entirely in white, Prince Rupert cut a majestic figure even from a distance.

  Another four golden knights and twelve more of the Silver Guard followed in the rear.

  “Oh my!” said Aunt Leila. “Have you ever seen such magnificent procession?”

  “Never,” Aunt Ingrid responded. “It’s dazzling!”

  The crowd, which had gathered along both sides of the road, applauded and threw flowers.

  The procession drew nearer, bringing Prince Rupert more fully into view, revealing that his white doublet and matching white tights were both adorned with gold trim.

  “He’s so regal looking,” observed Aunt Leila.

  “And his face is so handsome,” added Aunt Ingrid.

  “You lucky, lucky girl!” the two aunts said in unison.

  Amalia nodded and said, “It certainly is impressive.”

  The procession finally came to a halt at the receiving platform. The prince descended from the carriage as two attendants emerged from within it, both bearing red velvet boxes. They assembled at the foot of the platform, the prince taking the lead, and began a slow, formal ascent up the platform’s steps. At the top, the prince bowed first before Queen Isabella, who was seated in her throne chair, and kissed her outstretched hand. Taking the velvet box from the attendant on his right, he opened its lid and presented it to his future mother-in-law with another sweeping bow.

  Despite the side view, Amalia and her two aunts could see that the box contained a pair of golden chalices.

  The prince greeted the king in similar fashion, presenting him with a golden sword.

  Finally, the prince turned and bowed toward Amalia and her aunts. As he did so, the front of his tights became visible for the first time, having previously been veiled by his doublet’s side skirts. Aunt Ingrid and Aunt Leila immediately glanced at each other. There was no lump in his loins, no bulk in his basket, as it were. Instead, his crotch was full of creases, his private parts mere pucker.

  “Oh my,” Aunt Ingrid whispered. “That can’t be good.”

  * * *

  After the receiving ceremony, Amalia said she felt tired and retired to her room for a nap.

  Her two aunts, meanwhile, conferred in private.

  “Do you think she noticed?” asked Aunt Ingrid.

  “I doubt it,” said Aunt Leila. “She’s not that kind of girl. Still, I hope he switches to pantaloons for their formal introduction tomorrow. At least that would put a little puff in his prow.”

  “That’s not going to help on their wedding night, is it?” said Aunt Ingrid.

  The two women fell silent.

  “This is so awful,” exclaimed Aunt Leila. “If only that giant penis hadn’t invaded Amalia’s bed, she’d never know the difference.”

  “Oh, I think she’d know something was amiss. Hey, wait a moment. The penis in her bed has no man attached to it…and the man headed for her bed apparently has no penis.”

  “That’s a little harsh. He probably has one. It’s just a bit undernourished.”

  “Fine, but don’t you see an opportunity here? If we could take what was in her bed—”

  “And find a way to put it on Prince Rupert—”

  “He’d be the perfect man!”

  “But how are we going to do that?” asked Aunt Leila.

  “There’s only one possibility,” answered Aunt Ingrid. “We have to talk to that wacky wizard.”

  * * *

  “Let me get this straight,” said Waldorf. “The penis the king wanted to get rid of the other day, you now want to transfer to Prince Rupert instead?”

  “If possible,” said Aunt Leila.

  “And what do you want me to do with Prince Rupert’s penis?”

  “I don’t think it’s of much consequence,” said Aunt Ingrid.

  “Now, sister,” said Aunt Leila, “let’s not be unkind. Maybe you could put it on a rabbit or some other small furry creature.”

  “Where it wouldn’t look so out of place,” added Aunt Ingrid.

  Waldorf shook his head. “You women never cease to amaze me. This penis but not that one. Put it here but not there. Why do you have to be so picky?”

  “We’re not all picky,” said Aunt Leila with a bashful smile.

  Aunt Ingrid shot her a disapproving look. “So,” she said, turning back to the wizard, “can you help us or not?”

  Waldorf tugged his long white beard. “I’m not sure. My magic powder had no effect earlier. And to be honest, I haven’t had a lot of success controlling private parts over the years, including my own, so making two of them swap places is probably a stretch.”

  Chapter 8

  Sleeping Beauty

  It was agreed that Amalia and Prince Rupert would be formally introduced in the library, with Aunt Ingrid acting as chaperone. Amalia sat nervously on the library sofa, her aunt in a chair near the fireplace.

  The room’s doors swung inward. Two attendants entered first, one standing to either side of the open doorway. The prince then entered with the same formality and aplomb he had displayed at the receiving ceremony, though thankfully wearing a pair of pantaloons.

  A third attendant followed the prince into the room bearing more gifts, which the young lord presented with more sweeping bows. Aunt Ingrid received golden candle holders. Amalia received a gold-framed portrait of her future husband in his white doublet.

  “It’s a great pleasure to finally meet you, Princess,” he said as he sat beside her on the sofa. “You’re even more beautiful than your father described.”

  Amalia smiled. “So how was your journey? What do you think of Westwich?”

  “My journey was long but well worth it. As for your little kingdom, I think it charming, especially the small villages and hamlets.”

  “Yes, I so love them. Are there many small villages near your castle?”

  “I’m afraid not. The castle is in the center of Arginia, a large city. There are plenty of shops and beauty salons, however.”

  “Are there any commoners there? Any poor or sick?”

 
; The prince laughed. “You needn’t worry about that, my lady. There are commoners working in the shops and salons, of course, but you won’t have to deal with them. Your ladies-in-waiting can do that. And if any of the poor or sick try to bother you, the Silver Guard will keep them away.”

  Amalia glanced down. “I see… So what will I do there?”

  “Hopefully, you’ll spend your time in amusement and delight. There are wonderful shows in the theater every night. And we have many balls and feasts at the castle.”

  “…It sounds wonderful.”

  “It is indeed, my lady. There are many who say that Arginia is the finest city in the world, and our castle its greatest treasure.”

  This small talk continued for another half-hour, mostly with the prince describing more of Arginia, Arginy, and himself, and Amalia nodding and smiling. At the end of this exchange, he invited her to take a walk in the garden. She loved the garden and normally would have accepted. However, this time, she said, “I’m feeling a bit tired, actually. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll take a nap.”

  “Certainly,” said the prince with a bow. A few moments and a few more bows later, he and his attendants departed, exiting the room in the exact reverse order in which they had entered.

  * * *

  “Where have you been?” Aunt Ingrid asked her sister, who’d just walked through the door.

  “Whatever do you mean?” said Aunt Leila, blushing.

  “I mean it’s after eleven p.m., your hair is disheveled, and I haven’t seen you smile like that since we played spin the goblet in our teens.”

  Aunt Leila straightened her hair. “I went to see Wally – er, the wizard – to check on his progress.”

  “Uh-huh. And?”

  “He’s still having problems with his self-control – I mean, obtaining control – of the…objects in question.”

  “I see. Well, to be honest, I don’t think it matters.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because over the past few days, the prince hasn’t been very princely. Not only does he talk endlessly about himself and his possessions, but yesterday he took Amalia for a disastrous ride in his golden carriage. As they passed through the village, the villagers came out to greet her, as usual, and his Silver Guard drew their swords on them. Amalia was horrified and leapt down from the carriage to intervene. Yet even when the prince saw how warmly the people embraced her, he still refused to greet them, which caused quite a rift afterward.

  “There’s something else, too. She’s been exceedingly tired. Every time she and the prince are together, she runs off for a nap. I became worried and asked her companions about it, and they told she’d been napping three times a day minimum.”

  “Oh my,” said Aunt Leila. “You don’t suppose…”

  “Well, let’s put it this way,” said Aunt Ingrid. “If you’re sneaking out every chance you get to spend time with that wacky old wizard, isn’t it possible she might want to spend a little time with her…extraordinary mattress?”

  “Oh dear. So what do you think will happen?”

  “I don’t know, but I have a feeling matters will soon come to a head.”

  * * *

  Aunt Ingrid was not the only one to notice the princess’s unusual sleeping pattern.

  “So,” said King Norwood to his future son-in-law as they shared lunch with Queen Isabella in the Great Hall, “how are you and Amalia getting along?”

  “She’s every bit as lovely as you described,” answered Prince Rupert. “But I must ask, sire, is she ill?”

  “Ill? Amalia? Not a day in her life. Why do you ask?”

  “Because she seems to be in bed almost constantly. First, we cannot meet until midmorning because she sleeps in. Then it’s back to bed again right after lunch. The same occurs in late afternoon. And we can’t schedule anything in the evening because she retires for good at seven.”

  The king glanced at his wife, both of them turning instantly pale.

  “What is it?” asked the prince. “Is there something—”

  A woman’s high-pitched voice drew their attention to the hall’s entrance. “It’s the princess!” the voice screamed. “Something’s wrong with the princess!”

  One of Amalia’s companions and two guards rushed into the room.

  The king, queen, and Prince Rupert all jumped to their feet.

  The companion – a maiden in her early twenties – was nearly hysterical. “Oh, sire. Something’s happened to the princess. She’s been sleeping so much lately, I went to check on her and found her moaning and writhing under her covers. I tried to shake her out of it, but she couldn’t seem to hear me. When she finally opened her eyes, she seemed angry with me, which is quite unlike her, and her face was all flushed and covered with sweat, as if with fever.”

  The king and queen both bolted for their daughter’s quarters, Prince Rupert, the maiden, and the guards close on their heels.

  Chapter 9

  Awakenings

  The urgent knock at the door caused Aunt Ingrid to answer it in a rush. She was surprised to see her niece standing on the other side, wearing only her nightgown and looking rather frazzled. “Are you okay, my dear?”

  “No,” Amalia answered. “I need your help.”

  Aunt Ingrid immediately brought her inside and called for Leila.

  “I have a problem,” Amalia said as Aunt Leila arrived. “I don’t want to marry Prince Rupert.”

  “I thought that might be the case,” said Aunt Ingrid. “Is it because he’s a tiresome bore?”

  “Not entirely. It’s because…because there’s another.”

  “Another?” said Aunt Leila. “Who?”

  Amalia blushed. “I’m not sure. See, the reason I’ve been sleeping so much lately is I’ve been spending a lot of time with the…the penis in my bed.”

  “I thought so,” said Aunt Ingrid. “You never really sent it away, did you?”

  “No, I did,” said Amalia. “But I asked him to come back.”

  “It’s not really a him, dear,” said Aunt Leila. “It’s more of an it.”

  “No, see, that’s where you’re wrong. I think there’s more to this penis than meets the eye.”

  “More?” said Aunt Ingrid. “From the sounds of it, there’s quite enough already.”

  “I’m sure of it,” Amalia insisted. “He can’t say anything. All he can do is make noises. But I think there’s a man attached to it – a wonderfully warm and kind man.”

  “What makes you say that?” asked Aunt Leila.

  “Well, mostly it’s just a feeling. But there are other things, too. Last night, for example, I felt cold, so he wrapped himself around my waist.”

  “Hmmm,” said Aunt Ingrid, “I can’t say I’ve ever had one do that before.”

  “And when I talk to him, he nudges and cuddles me and makes the cutest noises.”

  “Actually, you have to watch when they make a lot of noises,” said Aunt Leila. “Usually that’s a sign of bad things to come.”

  “So I’ve been thinking,” Amalia continued. “What if it’s actually a man trapped inside my mattress, but someone turned him into a penis, you know, with some kind of spell?”

  “Well,” said Aunt Ingrid, “I supposed if one can say a man is his penis, it’s not a stretch to say a penis can be a man.”

  “So I started reading old fairy tales about curses and spells,” said Amalia, “and I think I know what I have to do to turn him back into a man.”

  “What’s that?” said Aunt Leila.

  “I have to kiss him.”

  Aunt Ingrid drew back. “Oh, dear, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  “She’s right,” said Aunt Leila. “You do that once and it’ll want it all the time.”

  Someone banged on the door.

  “Yes?” Aunt Ingrid called out.

  “It’s your brother,” the king’s voice responded. “Is Amalia in there?”

  Aunt Ingrid hesitated. “Yes, but she’s busy at
the moment. Can you come back later?”

  “No,” said the king. “It’s urgent I speak to her now.” From all the scuffling, it sounded as if there were others with him.

  Aunt Leila went to open the door, but Amalia stopped her. “No, you mustn’t,” she said. “I think Father knows what I’ve been up to. I think one of my companions told him and he’s here to stop it. If I’m going to kiss the penis, I need to do it now.”

  Her two aunts glanced at each other.

  “Dear,” said Aunt Ingrid, “if your father’s already upset with you, I don’t think it’s wise to stall him so you can kiss a penis.”

  “Please,” said Amalia. “If this is the man I love, it may be my only chance to save him.”

  The king banged on the door even more forcefully.

  “Oh dear,” said Aunt Leila. “I’m not sure we should do this. He sounds as if he’s in one of his head-lopping moods.”

  Aunt Ingrid looked at her niece’s sweet yet desperate face. “You can borrow my chamber, dear. But hurry. The longer we delay, the angrier he’ll get.”

  Amalia rushed toward the bedroom.

  “What’s going on?” the king’s voice boomed. “Are you going to open the door or not?”

  The queen added her voice to the fray. “Ingrid, Leila, please let us in. It’s urgent!”

  “One moment, my lady,” said Aunt Ingrid. “We’re just getting dressed.”

  “Dressed?” said the king. “Nonsense! It’s midday!”

  “Now, brother, you wouldn’t want us to be immodest, would you? Just give us a few minutes and we’ll be with you.”

  “You’re lying! I can always tell when you’re lying.” He barked an order. Within seconds, something heavy slammed into the door.

  “Brother, don’t be so impatient,” Aunt Ingrid called out. “All we’re asking for is a few more minutes.”