The Princess & the Penis
Page 4
A second thump hit the door, followed by the sound of more men’s voices.
The two aunts clasped each other’s hands.
A terrible wallop smashed against the door, sending it crashing inward, four guards stumbling in after it.
* * *
Meanwhile, Amalia had rushed into her Aunt Ingrid’s bedroom, locked the door, and jumped into bed. No sooner did she hit the mattress than the penis appeared. More surprising still, it was already erect, already squirming and nudging her, and she hadn’t even touched it yet.
She heard some of the commotion in the other room and knew she had to hurry. She slid down the mattress and took the penis in her hand. It pulsed and jumped around more than it ever had. She closed her eyes and puckered her lips.
The apartment’s outer door crashed in.
“I believe,” she whispered. “I believe.” Her lips made contact.
A bright light enveloped the bed. The penis instantly began to grow, unfolding and transforming before her very eyes. Within seconds, it became a tall, broad-shouldered, blonde-haired man dressed in clothes she’d seen only in ancient paintings. He was the most handsome man she’d ever seen.
“Prince Longwood at your service,” he said in a deep, resonant voice.
She realized she still had his enormous penis in her hand, albeit tucked behind his tights. “Oh!” she said, unhanding it.
He, too, jumped back, trying to cover himself with his hands. “I’m so sorry, my lady,” he said. “You see, this witch—“
“Where is she?” the king’s voice boomed from the other side of the door.
No one answered.
“In there!” he yelled.
Something heavy hit the bedroom door. Prince Longwood leapt to his feet, pulling Amalia behind him.
The door came crashing in, the four guards following it. The moment they saw the prince, they drew their swords.
The king strode in after them, Queen Isabella, Prince Rupert, and the two aunts close behind. “Who are you?” the king said to the stranger. A quick glance at the man’s bulging tights supplied the answer. “You! Unhand her! Guards, seize him!”
“Father, no!” yelled Amalia.
The guards advanced.
“Wait!” said Prince Longwood. “If there’s to be a fight, I don’t want to risk Amalia getting hurt. At least let her pass safely behind you.”
The king saw the wisdom of this and agreed.
“No!” Amalia said. “I don’t want to go! Father, don’t hurt him.”
Prince Longwood turned to Amalia and took her hands in his. “Please,” he said, “just go behind your father, where you’ll be safe. Trust his goodness and his judgment.”
Amalia glanced at her father. She slowly let go of the prince’s hands and made her way to her father’s side.
The moment she was safe, the guards began to advance on Prince Longwood again, but the king, having heard the prince’s words, said, “Wait. Tell me who you are and what you’re doing with my daughter.”
“Yes,” said Prince Rupert, now beside the king. “I’d like to hear that explanation myself.”
“My name is Prince Longwood,” said the stranger. “Of the ancient kingdom of Shlongdia.”
Murmurs rippled through the room.
“Shlongdia?” said the king. “We thought that was only a myth.”
“Ah, Shlongdia,” Aunt Ingrid whispered to her sister. “What woman hasn’t dreamed of that magical place at least once in her life?”
“Far from a myth, sire,” Prince Longwood replied, glancing around. “My family built this castle. One thousand years ago, these were the chambers of my dear aunt and uncle, where I often played as a child. As I grew up, however, I realized there was more to nobility than play, so I set out to help the poor throughout our kingdom. This made me enormously popular with the people, but also spurred great jealousy among the other nobles. One of them paid a wicked witch to cast an evil spell on me – a spell intended not only to banish me to a bodiless existence, but also to mock my family’s most famous trait.”
Everyone glanced at his tights.
“In short,” the prince continued, “she turned me into a speechless penis. By the rule of such spells, however, they cannot be permanent. There must be an out. In this case, the witch was particularly cunning. The only way for me to become a man again was to get a beautiful, kind, and pure girl to kiss my private parts.”
It took a few seconds for this to register with the king. His head snapped toward his daughter. “You kissed his private parts?”
Amalia blushed. “It was only a quick peck, Father. I didn’t know what else to do. I had a feeling the real him was trapped inside his…you know. And in all the other fairytales, when the prince is trapped inside something, like a frog, you have to kiss—“
“Enough!” said the king. “I’d rather not hear about it.”
“As you know, sire,” continued the prince, “it’s a mighty deed to get any beautiful girl to kiss your private parts.”
All the men in the room muttered their agreement.
“And to be honest, I haven’t felt strongly enough about anyone to try, so I’ve roamed disembodied through my ancient kingdom all this time. Then Amalia came along, and she was so beautiful and kind to the villagers, I fell in love with her right away. Unfortunately, deprived of any form other than my privates, I couldn’t bear to approach her in such a crass manner. Then I learned she was betrothed to him.” He pointed to Prince Rupert. For the first time, his voice became unfriendly.
“Unable to be with her myself, I at least wanted to make certain she was marrying a good man, so I travelled to Arginy to check. What I saw convinced me of the opposite. The reason this man’s kingdom is so wealthy is that he and his father tax their people to the point of starvation. Even when the harvest is bad, they make no allowances. And when the poor and starving make their way to his immense castle to plead for relief, he has his Silver Guard beat them.”
Another round of murmurs circulated the room.
“Is this true?” said the king, turning toward Prince Rupert.
“No,” said Prince Rupert. “I mean, it’s not the way he’s making it sound. Arginy’s a big kingdom. It has a lot of expenses.” His expression clouded with anger. He glanced at Prince Longwood’s bare belt. “Besides,” he added, “that’s not the issue. By this man’s own admission, he’s accosted my betrothed. Now he dares to smear my name. I demand satisfaction!” He drew his sword, a jeweled rapier with a gleaming blade.
“No!” screamed Amalia. “Father, don’t let him. Please, I beg—“
“It’s okay,” Prince Longwood said calmly. He rotated his belt, revealing an enormous scabbard, and withdrew the biggest sword anyone had ever seen – at least twice as long and wide as Prince Rupert’s. “It would give me great pleasure to deliver a few blows on behalf of the poor.”
“My word,” whispered Aunt Ingrid to her sister. “He doesn’t do anything small, does he?”
Prince Rupert glanced from his sword to Prince Longwood’s and back again. “On second thought,” he said quickly, “princesses are a penny a pound. There’s no point shedding blood, especially over one who’s proved to be such a harlot.”
These words had no sooner left Prince Rupert’s mouth than the back of the king’s hand sent him sprawling on the floor. He jumped up and raised his sword to strike, but one stroke of Prince Longwood’s massive blade cleaved the jeweled rapier at its hilt, leaving only a small stub.
“The next,” said Prince Longwood, “will remove your head.”
Prince Rupert’s face filled first with fear, then rage. “Needless to say,” he sneered at the king, “our alliance is over. Don’t be surprised if all your neighboring kingdoms refuse to trade with you!”
He stormed out of the room.
The king turned his attention first to Prince Longwood, then to his daughter’s expectant face. With a warm smile, he nodded at her. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. “
Thank you!” she said. Then she ran and threw her arms around Prince Longwood, causing everyone to cheer.
“With your blessing, sire,” the prince said, “I hereby ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage. In return, I pledge to be both her devoted husband and your devoted son-in-law.”
The king nodded. “You have my blessing. Unfortunately, I’m not sure what kind of life I can offer the two of you. Our little kingdom is already impoverished. I don’t think it will survive if Prince Rupert prevents the other kingdoms from trading with us.”
Prince Longwood smiled, his blue eyes steady. “Oh, worry not, sire. When my father died and it was apparent Shlongdia would collapse without a rightful heir, my mother buried our treasury in a secret chamber beneath this castle. It survives to this day and contains far greater wealth than that of Arginy.”
“Really?” said the king.
“Yes, sire. I offer it to you on one condition: that it be used to help all the people of Westwich, especially the poor.”
The king laughed. “I don’t think my daughter would have it any other way!”
A second round of cheers filled the room. Soon after, the entire castle heard the joyous news. In the years that followed, the kingdom’s poor and sick found great happiness, too. But the happiest of them all was Princess Amalia, who was known to take a minimum of three naps a day with her husband well into her fifties.
The End.
Message From The Author
If you liked this story, refer it to a friend. For other funny stories, cartoons, etc. – all free – visit me anytime at:
www.rjsilver.com
Thanks for reading,
RJ Silver
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