by Lucia Franco
I shook my head and stepped out of the bathroom. I climbed into bed and scooted under the covers. The nurse had advised me to take the sling off when I slept. I did a few slow stretches to extend my arm, but I hadn't tried to touch it or move it much before that. The tips of my fingers were numb as I reached, and the ache at the center of my elbow was relentless. It made me nauseous, but I pushed myself to do a few more and deal with it. I didn't want to rely on pain medication if I didn't have to.
Exhaling a heavy breath, I picked up my cell phone and turned it on. All my notifications popped up one after the other. I ignored them.
I pulled up my favorites in contacts and hovered over Avery's number. My thumb trembled as I pressed down.
"Adrianna!"
Jesus. It didn't even ring.
Tears burst out of me and I cried at the sound of her voice. "Ave?"
"I've been waiting for your call!" Avery was frantic. "Are you okay? How are you? What the fuck happened!"
"I'm sorry I couldn't call before," I said in between sobs. "I didn't—"
"It's okay, I don't care about that. I spoke to Xavier and he filled me in. I've been a nervous wreck waiting to hear from you. If I didn't have school tomorrow I'd already be over there."
I rolled my lips between my teeth. "He's in jail."
"No." She gasped.
"Yes. My dad pressed charges."
"What happened? Did he really find you?"
I closed my eyes and pictured his face when he walked into my condo and saw us. I can still feel the shift in the air and his rage.
"Yes. They fought, Ave." I couldn't hide the guilt in my tone. "Well, Kova didn't hit back but I think—"
"Kova would've knocked Frank out cold."
"Yeah, and I think Kova knew that, which is why he didn't fight back. He just blocked everything for the most part."
I told her how Dad was keeping an eye on my phone calls and had a tracker put on my car.
"What's your address again? You need a burner phone. I’m going to have one sent to your condo because this is serious, and when he gets out you need to be able to talk to him so you can get your stories straight."
I hadn't even thought of that. I gave her the info she needed, and she said the phone would be here in two days.
Then I gave Avery a play-by-play of everything, from the news about Katja and the lies she’d told Kova, to how he’d said he was divorcing her, and when we’d spotted Dad and Sophia in that little town. She was shocked that Dad was with Sophia just as much as I was. She asked if they were dating and I told her I didn't know, which was true. I told her how nice and empathetic Sophia had been toward me. I also said how awkward it was too since I wasn't used to it. The worst part was reliving the moment when Dad told me I lost the baby.
"Christ on a stick." Avery was quiet for a few beats. "This is like a soap opera. It's almost too much to believe. Did you really tell your dad everything?"
"I did, including that I love Kova."
"Oh. My. God."
"Yeah," I said, mortified.
"I don't know if I would've gone that far, but at least you cleared the air."
"I went a little further than clearing the air."
"Shit. What did you do?"
"I was dramatic and screamed. Obviously, I wasn't thinking clearly. I do love him, you know that, but I should've left that out. Dad called it puppy love. He insisted I don't love him. Honestly, though, I felt like he was saying that more to himself than to me."
"We'll, ah, just blame your raging pregnancy emotions for going the extra mile. I still can't believe you did that."
"I know, I wish I hadn't." I clenched my eyes shut trying to block out how let down Dad had looked.
She was quiet before she eased her way into the next question. "Did your dad really say they used a vacuum?"
I winced. "Yes."
"That was heartless."
"I don't think he knew what it was called. He just said a procedure was done and the baby was vacuumed out. He was so angry with me, I wouldn't be surprised if he said it on purpose just to be cruel."
"Yeah, but where's his sympathy? Especially since he basically broke your arm. And it’s called a D and C. It’s not as gruesome as he made it sound. I mean, it is, but it's not. How do you feel otherwise? Have you been bleeding?"
"Nonstop. My shower was all pink and red water. I feel like my insides are falling out."
"That's how I was too. I had severe cramping and had to use a heating blanket. Make sure you don’t use tampons or have sex either until you heal properly, not that you’ll be in the mood for sex for a really long time."
"The cramping is horrific. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Sophia got me some pads. She picked up all different sizes. Some even look like diapers. I'm not using those. Who wants to sit in blood like that?"
"That's what you say now but they're about to become your best friend at night."
I grimaced. "Really?"
"Oh, yeah. Make sure you put a few towels down on your bed too just in case you bleed through. It's only really heavy the first couple of days, then the cramping will go down and so will the bleeding. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to copy me. I know I'm amazing and all, but this is just borderline creepy."
"You're terrible." I laughed.
"You know you love me," she said, her voice airy. "Seriously, though, I wish I could be there with you right now."
I glanced down at my white comforter and realized I felt the same way.
I also realized I shouldn't use this blanket until I’d completely recovered.
"I wish you were here too. Who needs high school anyway?" I joked. "My arm is all fucked up and I'm stuck inside for the next few days."
"I can't believe your dad." She blew out a whistle.
"I know he didn't mean to hurt me. His emotions were, like, amplified…" A flashback of the harsh look in his eyes filled my mind. "What am I going to do?" I whispered. "I can't call Kova. I don't know what he's been charged with, or if he's even out. Dad said he was in jail, but he also said he’d been arrested for rape. I don’t know what to believe. And what do I tell my teammates when they see me again? Everything is ruined," I said, drawing in a tight breath. "What if I'm not ready in time to go back? What if I can't move my arm and wrist? I'm screwed."
I used the blanket to wipe my tears away. I didn't want to let my mind go there, but there was a good chance I wouldn't be ready. I could hardly flex my fingers. How the hell was I supposed to do gymnastics?
I wouldn't be able to.
I froze.
My throat was closing up, and my body was tightening everywhere. The fingers on my good hand started to tingle. My body lit up like an inferno and I kicked the blanket off.
"Ave—" I gasped, my eyes widening. My heart was beating the shit out of my ribs. "I think I'm having a panic attack."
I felt like my heart was going to explode.
"Aid. Breathe with me. Close your eyes and focus on my voice. Breathe in slowly through your nose." She instructed, and I heard her inhale. "Gently blow out. Let me hear you." I did. "No, you're not blowing out candles. Blow like you’re trying to dry your nail polish and not get spit on your nails and ruin them. Do it again with me," Avery said, then gave me the instructions for a new breathing technique she wanted me to copy.
We did a few rounds of these exercises until my body uncoiled and I was crying all over again.
Nine
"I don't know what I would do without you," I said, clutching the phone.
"Yeah, I'm pretty amazing." She was quiet for a moment. "Senior year is a joke. I hardly have to do anything. I wish I could be there with you. Going through something like this is hard, even when you have someone to talk to about it. Sometimes just having someone there makes a difference. Have you considered therapy? I was doing it a few times a week. Now I'm down to one day a week."
My forehead creased. I hadn’t known she was talking to someone.
"And
it helps?"
"At first I hated it because I had to relive every painful memory over and over. I've learned a lot, and it's helping me cope and move on. It wouldn't be a bad thing for you to consider."
I nodded. "I could probably use it after everything that's happened. Then again, it's not like I can tell a therapist about Kova, and he's a large part of this. Wouldn't the doctor need to notify someone?"
Avery mused over my question. "Well, not necessarily since you are an adult now. But then, people talk…" Her voice trailed off. "Scratch that. You can always call me and vent anytime you need to, you know that."
"Don't text me anything about this in case my dad really is checking my messages, not until I get that phone."
"Noted."
"Practice is going to suck."
"What are you going to do when you see Kova?"
"Try not to cry?" I joked sadly. "I don't know. Obviously, nothing because people will be there, but what if my dad really does have someone watching me? The last thing I want is to provoke him into pressing rape charges. Assault is enough."
"He can't press charges for rape."
I frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"We went over this when you first started training there, remember? The age of consent in Georgia is sixteen."
"But I was still a minor. I just turned eighteen. It happened before I was considered legal."
Avery let out a huff. "Doesn't matter," she said, her voice straining. "Sixteen is the age of consent. You could fuck an eighty-year-old the moment you turn sixteen and the law can't say anything. You're legal. That's it. Your dad can't do anything about it. He can press assault charges for himself, but that's about it."
I stared across the room in surprise. Her words sliced me open and woke me up. A thin ribbon of hope blew through me.
"I can't believe I didn't know this," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. It was a startling revelation.
"You did know it, you just forgot. Honestly, bestie, and this is me speaking from the heart, I think the only thing you really need to do is focus on gymnastics. You're down to the wire, so everything else can wait. Don't lose that focus you've carried with you the last ten years of your life." Avery’s voice rose in intensity. "It's inspiring. I was looking forward to watching you go all the way so I can say, 'That’s my best friend,' when you're doing flips and shit at the Olympics. Plus, I was hoping to find my future husband there too."
I tried to smile, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
"It's really hard, Ave," I said. "I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place." I paused as reality stared me in the face. "I have no leverage."
She didn't respond. Shifting onto my side, I winced at the shooting ache in my elbow. I tried to move back to my original position and clenched my eyes shut. I drew in a long breath and counted to five, praying the throbbing would dissipate soon. Even the simplest movement caused a widespread shot of pain to vibrate through my arm. I exhaled, wondering how this was all going to work out.
I glanced at the clock, it was past midnight. My eyes were heavy with fatigue and puffy from crying earlier.
"I would say allow yourself time to grieve, but I think considering what’s on your plate right now, that's going to have to wait. It's time to saddle the horse and mount that beast. You got this. Shelve your emotions and feelings, turn on autopilot, and do what you were born to do."
I moved the blanket aside and lifted my shirt. I needed to grieve the miscarriage, but I’d effectively avoided thinking about it since I got home. I eyed my stomach. It didn't look much different, not that it had before. But it was.
I wondered if I'd regret this loss for the rest of my life.
I bit my lip. Avery was right. So right. I needed to grab the reins and hold on, I just didn't know if I had the strength to guide the horse with one hand.
"I feel like I don't know how."
"Turn it all off. Don't allow yourself to think about it. You've done it before, you can do it again. You just have to find that moment of clarity and ride with it."
She was right. I'd shut down the outside noise to become successful, but it took an enormous amount of energy from me in return. The thought of doing that again concerned me.
Shutting down had chipped away pieces of who I was as a person that I'd never get back. It had also taught me strength and shaped me into who I was. But doing that was as emotionally draining as it was physical. How much of myself would I lose this time? Would I turn away people I love forever?
Kova had been there to pull me back right before I pushed myself over the edge for good. He had selflessly let me use him to come back from the dark world I'd locked myself in and had lit the way so I could see again.
This time, though, I was on my own.
"It's getting late and you have to be up in a couple of hours for school," I said. "I'll let you go."
"I'm good. I can still hang."
I smiled to myself, grateful for a friend like her "It's okay. I'm going to lie down and hope this pain in my arm doesn't keep me awake."
"Don't forget to wear the diaper."
I groaned under my breath and she laughed. "Talk to you tomorrow. Hey, Avery? Thank you."
"What are besties for? Later, chica."
After we hung up, I did as Avery suggested. I put a few towels down before I climbed into bed. I made sure my alarm wasn't set and added a note in my phone to contact my private tutor to go over my schedule. I was close to finishing high school a couple of months early and only had very minimal left to complete to graduate.
I switched the light off and then pulled the comforter up to my chin and nestled under the covers. I closed my eyes hoping sleep would consume me soon. That way I wouldn't have to think about anything more, or feel the cold tears coat my cheeks.
I woke from the fiery heat of cramps in my belly at 3:00 a.m. This happened the last two nights since I got home.
I'd followed the doctor’s orders. I thought doing absolutely nothing for at least forty-eight hours would help me heal faster, but each night it seemed to get worse and worse. Avery had mentioned it was probably because my body had been through a traumatic experience, and while I was physically fine, for the most part anyway, the emotional duress I was under would tighten my body and make everything stiff.
I let out a whimper and turned over onto my side, curling up into a ball. I wrapped my good arm around myself like I had done the last couple nights and clenched my eyes shut while I held myself. There was an ache in my bad arm that never seemed to quell, but it was nothing compared to the cluster of knots in my stomach tightening by the millisecond. The little balls of hell exploded like fireworks gone wrong. They were intense and I couldn't help but focus on them. I held my breath until my lungs throbbed for air.
God, I wished this would all go away already.
After a few minutes of lying still, the cramps weren't as intense. I sat up and reached for my cell phone to pass the time, knowing it'd be a good hour or so until I fell back asleep. I had a bunch of missed texts from Avery.
BFF: You are amazing. Remember that!
BFF: Be confident in your abilities and remember that's what got you where you are now.
BFF: Keep your head up, gorgeous. WE got this <3
BFF: Okay, you need to wake up already.
BFF: I'm gonna send out an Amber Alert if you don't text me back.
BFF: …It’s been 84 years.
BFF: Fuck the Amber Alert. I'm just gonna find a new bestie.
I sent Avery a slew of texts. She was dead to the world when she slept, but she'd see them when she woke.
I fell into a routine as the last couple of days at home dragged on. I'd rise to messages from Avery that would either make me cry or laugh, sometimes both at the same time. She would send me texts throughout the day to check on me. I knew what she was doing, and it made me feel so guilty for finding any hint of reprieve because I hadn’t done that for her. I got the feeling she was trying to engage with
me more than usual because she felt like I was going to break soon. She wanted to be there for me, and the thought alone made me tear up.
I attempted to stretch my arm, my wrist, and elbow, but the ligaments were so tight that I grunted under my breath. I wondered how it would feel if I did a handstand, and if I could handle it. I got on my knees and flattened my palms to the floor. Straightening my elbows, I leaned forward and applied a little weight, and winced as pain shot up my arm.
Screw it.
I retrieved a bottle of Motrin and Tylenol from the bathroom cabinet. I’d alternate between them both. I had given myself two days to get back to my original form. It was time to numb the pain. It was the only way I was going to get through practice today.
I knew to stay away from these types of medications because of my kidney issues. It wasn't that I had a death wish, but desperate times called for desperate measures, and all that jazz.
Other than Avery, Dad checked in regularly. He called in the mornings and at night. We FaceTimed a few times just so he could see me. I felt like I was twelve years old again, but I wasn't going to argue.
The last conversation I'd had with him lasted no more than a handful of minutes, but it had carried enough tension that I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I’d asked him if he’d spoken to my coaches, if anyone knew anything. I hadn’t dared mentioned Kova specifically, I didn’t want to push it. He’d said he’d spoken to Madeline and told her I had a set back with my Achilles and needed to rest it. He’d informed her I’d dislocated my elbow as well. Before we’d hung up, he warned me again about not engaging with Kova. He had even went as far as threatening to press other fraudulent charges to keep him behind bars.
I was an adult. Dad legally had no say in what I did. I didn’t understand why he was doing this.
Ten
My duffle bag sounded like I had a Costco-size container of Tic Tacs in it with the Tylenol, Motrin, and all my other medications.
