Perfecting Patience

by Tabatha Vargo

  The best thing I could do, was take Aunt Sarah up on her medical help offer, get better, and then run away with Zeke. That’s if he was willing to wait for me. I couldn’t ask him to wait for me, of course, but I had to hope he loved me enough to give me time. I had to hope that what we had would hold as I got through one more thing, and then I’d be perfect for him.

  “Zeke, you have to go with the boys,” I whispered.

  He looked down at me with question in his eyes and I knew he was wondering what I was thinking. I was too embarrassed to tell him my plan. After everything he’d seen me go through, this last thing I wanted to keep to myself. I didn’t want him to run after realizing that even after my dad was taken out of the equation, I was still sick.

  “I’m not leaving you, snowflake. You’re where I want to be. I’ll find a job or something. It’s not a big deal.” He softly rubbed my shoulders as he tried to coerce me into ruining his life.

  “No. I can’t let you do that.”

  “Why? If it’s what I want, that’s all that should matter. Unless… Do you not want to be with me?”

  It was his turn to panic. I could see it bubbling just beneath his surface.

  I had to think on my toes. I refused to tell him I needed help. Instead, I went for the thing that was most believable.

  “I want to be with you more than anything. It’s just… I got a full soccer scholarship to Florida State,” I blurted out.

  It wasn’t technically a lie. I’d gotten a scholarship, but I just never thought twice about it.

  His face went from somber to radiant as a big smile stretched his sexy lips.

  “That’s great, babe. Why didn’t you say something before? I’ll work and you go to school. It’s a perfect plan.”

  “No,” I said again as I laid my hand on his bare chest. “I can’t let you leave the guys. I don’t want to be away from you, but if you’re willing to do it for me, would you consider a long distance thing until you’re done touring or until I’m done with school?”

  His face dropped again.

  “But… I just got you back.”

  “I know, but it would only be for a little while. We’ve been away from each other before. At least this time we can visit each other all the time. You just said anytime I wanted to see Syd, all we had to do was jump on a plane. Couldn’t it be the same for us?”

  He didn’t look convinced.

  “Please, Zeke, please do this for me. I want to be with you, but when we’re ready. Blow Hole is just getting started and you have to be there for the guys. I can’t say no to school.”

  He sat down on the edge of the bed and ran his hands through his wet hair, then roughly down his face. I got down on my knees in front of him and rested my hands on his thighs.

  Sad brown eyes looked down at me. I could see the conflict in his eyes and I understood it. Running his fingers along my jaw, he took a deep breath.

  “If this is what you want, we’ll make it work,” he said with a sigh.

  I lunged from my knees and into his lap. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pressed a heavy kiss against his lips. He kissed me back and laughed in the back of his throat.

  When I broke the kiss, he captured my cheeks in his hands. With a forced smile and sad eyes, he took me in. “You’re going to be the death of me, woman.”

  “Then I better torture you first,” I said as I pushed him back on the bed.

  He gripped my hips and pulled me on top of him so I straddled his thighs. “I’m all about torture. Do your worst, pretty girl.”

  A loud knocking on the door put a stop to everything and brought us both back to the situation at hand.

  I slid off of him and snatched my shorts from the floor. He waited until I was decent before he opened the door and let in Chet and Finn.

  “Dude, get your ass dressed. We have a flight to catch,” Finn said as he fell into an armchair beside the TV.

  Zeke’s eyes met mine from across the room before he went over to his suitcase and pulled out some clothes. Needing to be away from the thickness in the room, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and freshen up before it was time to check out.

  When I came out of the bathroom, the boys were gone and Zeke was standing there fully dressed with his bags packed. His dark skin looked paler and his eyes were those of a lost little boy. I’d never seen him so helpless and part of me wanted to look away and leave, but I couldn’t. This time we needed to say a proper good-bye. I had confidence we could do this and I needed him to see that confidence. I wanted him to feel the same.

  I walked up to him and put my arms around his waist. Leaning down, he placed a soft kiss on the top of my head.

  “We can do this,” I whispered softly.

  His arms got tighter and he pulled me closer.

  “I hope you’re right.”

  Four

  Zeke

  How could I say no to her? Especially after seeing her freak out and almost pass out.

  I wasn’t sure what made her suddenly so pale, but I hoped it wasn’t the thought of being with me. I loved her. I never thought I’d say that and mean it, but I did. The only reason I stepped away from her was because I could tell it was something she really wanted, and I didn’t want to cause her anymore stress.

  So I rode with her instead of the boys to the airport, and she walked me inside and held my hand as I checked my bags and took care of final flight arrangements.

  An hour. That’s how long I got to say good-bye to Snowflake. I wasn’t sure what kind of wicked web she weaved around me to get me to agree to a long-distance relationship, but I was doing it. The fact of the matter was I’d do just about anything she asked of me. I’d never let her know that, but it was the truth.

  Her argument made sense. Couples did it all the time. She’d go to school and play soccer, which I knew she loved, and I’d go on tour and play with the band, which is what I loved. We could visit each other as much as possible, and when I wasn’t on tour I’d be with her. Once she was done with school, we could go from there.

  It sounded pretty simple, but I knew differently. It was going to be a living hell for both of us, but if she thought it was for the best, then I’d give it a shot. For her. It’s amazing the things love will make you do. Love will make you kill, cheat, and steal. It will also make you walk away from the person who inspires your feelings if it keeps a smile on their face and gives them happiness.

  Meanwhile, I’d be miserable. I’d been so since the moment she walked out of my life, and I’d continue to be so after walking out of hers.

  Our final kiss before I got on the plane was bittersweet. Pleasure and pain all wrapped up in one warm connection of our mouths. It was heaven and hell colliding for one big ambush of emotions that I both hated and loved at the same time.

  That was our relationship from day one. Perfectly imperfect, one big fucked-up beautiful disaster, that’s what we were. If it meant living on a rollercoaster of ups and downs for the rest of my life, then I’d do it to be with her. I had no other choice. She was the one I wanted.

  “You look like you could use a drink,” Finn said as he dropped into the seat next to me.

  He lifted a mini bottle with a big smile and then dumped it in the cup he was holding.

  We’d been on the plane for over an hour and I was still feeling sick to my stomach.

  “Thanks, man,” I said as I lifted the cup and downed whatever it was.

  “Break-ups suck, bro. At least that’s what I hear. I’ve never been one for relationships.” He downed another mini bottle

  “We didn’t break up. We’re going to try the long-distance thing.” I peered out the tiny window of first class and sank down farther into my seat.

  “Yeah, well, good luck with that. I hope it all works out. I just need you to be there when we’re on stage. Blow Hole wouldn’t be Blow Hole without you. All girl stuff aside, we need you to actually show up, not just show up. Ya know what I mean?”

  “Yeah, man, I get you.
It’s just hard. One day you’ll meet a girl that’ll fuck your world up. When that day happens, you’ll understand.” I closed the window and laid my head back on the headrest.

  “I understand, trust me. My day already came and went.”

  I didn’t get a chance to respond. He got up from his seat and sulked to the back of the plane. I couldn’t remember Finn ever talking about a particular girl, but I knew better than to push it. Our friendship was just like that. I knew what buttons I was allowed to press and he knew the same.

  I closed my eyes and fell asleep. When I opened them again, Chet was standing above me.

  “Good morning, beautiful. We’re home.”

  I pushed him back and he started to laugh. “Your breath smells like hot garbage. Go gargle something minty fast before the air marshal arrests you for terrorism.”

  “Fuck you, assface. Get up. We’re unloading.”

  I pulled myself from my seat, grabbed my carry-on, and an hour later, we were in the car on the way back to our California home.

  I unpacked and went through all my clothes. I didn’t realize I was missing my guitar T-shirt until I did my laundry. She looked amazing in it. It’s only right that she kept it. I smiled to myself and pulled out my phone.

  Me: I hope you enjoy wearing my shirt.

  Patience: I will. Is it lame that I miss you already?

  Me: If it is, then I’m lame too.

  Patience: You’re THE Zeke Mitchell. You could never be lame.

  Me: I’m lame over you.

  Patience: I love you.

  Me: I love you more

  Patience: Impossible. Goodnight.

  Me: Sweet dreams, snowflake.

  * * *

  The next week flew by as we did interviews and played smaller shows. My guitar was my best friend as usual, and when I wasn’t strumming it up on stage, I was playing it alone with Finn as we came up with fresh material.

  When I wasn’t doing that, I was on the phone with Patience or texting her. I wasn’t afraid to admit that I was completely whipped. The boys laughed, but as far as I was concerned, they could suck it. She made me happy and that wasn’t something I was willing to let go of.

  A week after that, we were on the road. Four shows in five nights in three different states. I couldn’t sleep for shit on the bus. Even though I grew up with the constant sounds of the shitty world around me, the soft hum of the bus and a few bumps here and there kept me awake all night. It was the life I’d chosen and it was a sweet one, but a man needed his sleep.

  At our final show in our five-day push, a girl jumped on stage half-naked and threw herself at me. Her tits rubbed against my chest as she crashed her mouth to mine. She tasted like beer and cigarettes. It made me miss the sweet taste of Snowflake.

  “I love you, Zeke!” the half-naked woman screamed above the music.

  Joel, one of the stage crew, pulled her away. She jumped up and down, careless of the fact that she didn’t have on a top, and the crowd went wild.

  Finn laughed into the mic right in the middle of the song, skipping a few lyrics, and shook his head, amused. I laughed and continued to play. The rest of the show followed suit. Crowd surfers and the smell of drugs in the air contributed to the high the show gave us.

  Later on the bus, we finished up the night passing around a joint. I’d had too much to drink on stage and the bus beneath me seemed to be shifting and moving side to side. That wasn’t possible considering we’d be in a ditch somewhere, so I knew it was all me. I laughed it off and picked up my phone to call Snowflake.

  It rang and rang and I could feel myself getting aggravated. Why wasn’t she answering? I hung up and called again and again until finally she picked up.

  “Hello?” Her voice was broken and full of sleep.

  “Hey, baby. What are you doing?” I slurred into the phone.

  “I’m sleeping, Zeke. Is everything okay?”

  “It would be if you were here. Why aren’t you here?” I whined drunkenly.

  “You sound like a little bitch!” Chet laughed loudly.

  Without thinking, I threw my phone at him. He ducked and it smashed into the wall of the bus. I jumped up and snatched it from the floor. The front of it was cracked, but it was still lit up.

  “Hello? Snowflake?” I said into the phone.

  There was no sound.

  “Shit!” I threw it again.

  The aggravation was getting to be too much. I missed her and it would be a few more weeks before I could even think about going to Florida again. Patience was stuck there dealing with school registration and soccer practices.

  This whole situation was too fucking much.

  I passed out on my bunk with my broken phone clutched to my chest.

  The next day, it took me forever to find a store to replace my phone. I tried calling her from everyone else’s, but she didn’t answer. It was later in the afternoon by the time I had a new phone. I called over and over again, but still she didn’t answer.

  I was starting to stress and I had no way of reaching her to know if she was okay or if she was just pissed at me for calling late at night and waking her. I knew better than to call too late. We were in Seattle, and Florida was three hours ahead of us, but when I was drunk and missing her, time zones and all that bullshit was the last thing on my mind.

  Finally, toward the end of the day, she texted me.

  Patience: Sorry, was in class. Going to practice. Call you later. Miss you. Love you.

  Five

  Patience

  Sex with Zeke.

  That’s the only thing that even came close to giving me the high that soccer did.

  As I ran across the field in complete control of the black-and-white ball, I lost myself. The exhilaration and the power I yielded on the field felt amazing. Control. It was all about having control over something. I’d lived without a certain measure of power for my entire life. Soccer had always remedied that. How could I have ever thought I could quit soccer cold turkey?

  My teammate, Hope, ran up beside me and I kicked the ball to her. We continued that pattern down the field until finally she passed it to me and I kicked it straight into the net. The goalie dropped to her knees in an attempt to stop the ball and then punched the grass in aggravation after it zoomed past her.

  “Hell yeah!” Hope said as she high-fived me. “We’re going to dominate this season.”

  It was just practice, but it had been so long since I played and had teammates. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it.

  Originally, the whole school thing was a tiny white lie to buy myself some time away to get better. It was something I told Zeke so he’d agree to a long-distance thing. The last thing I wanted was for him to miss out on the tour, and I knew I had a long way to go. I also knew Zeke being around would hinder my progress.

  I couldn’t go around pretending I was all better. I needed to face my demons and actually get better. When he was around, I couldn’t be sick. He would understand, no questions asked, but I was sick and tired of being the sick girl, the broken girl with issues. It was time I became the girl Zeke thought I was.

  He once told me I was the strongest girl he knew. I couldn’t tell him then, but he was so wrong. I was weak and me going into a crazy anxiety attack right in from of him was proof of that. Luckily he had no idea it was an anxiety attack, but still, it was embarrassing all the same.

  I was covered in internal scars. There’s a funny thing about scars. You can cover them up and hide them, but no matter what you do, they’re always there. They mark you and let everyone who can see them know you’re damaged goods. I was damaged goods. Even though my scars were hidden deep within me where no one could see them, I knew they were there. He knew they were there, too. Some scars never heal. Some get bigger as you grow. They reflect a past that’s branded on your soul and no matter what good comes your way, nothing can soothe the pain they inflict.

  Dr. Jensen, my therapist, said soccer was the best thing for me. For so many years
I used the sport as my release. She thought returning to the game was a nice way to start my healing process. So because of that, I ended up enrolling in Florida State. Well, that and the fact that Aunt Sarah and Sydney were quite possibly the pushiest women in the world. Sydney could be quite convincing with her sweet skillful manipulation.

  Turns out, running to Aunt Sarah and confessing everything was probably one of the best things I could’ve done. Asking for help wasn’t as easy as you’d think, and when I told her I was positive I was starting to have panic attacks, she was understanding and gentle when she suggested Dr. Jensen.

  * * *

  “So how was class and practice yesterday?” Dr. J asked as she tapped her pen on her clipboard.

  She crossed her slender legs and directed her blue eyes at me. I’d often thought about how much I admired her blue eyes and fire-red hair. She was older but beautiful, and I liked the fact that she didn’t judge me. Whether or not that was because she was paid to listen to me, she never flinched, never judged, even when I told her every disgusting detail of my life. That was the hardest two weeks of my life.

  “It was okay.”

  She looked at me over the rim of her sleek black glasses. “As in you barely made it through your week or as in nothing exciting happened?”

  She lifted her coffee cup from the mahogany table beside her and took a sip.

  Her office wasn’t like those of the quack doctors you see on TV. It was a warm and inviting room with big comfy furniture and a bowl full of chocolate. The woman knew about depression. Nothing could crack a depressed face into a smile like chocolate.

  I snatched up a foil-wrapped piece, unwrapped the milky goodness, and popped it into my mouth.

  “As in it was good,” I said around a mouthful of heaven. “I let out a lot of steam on the field, and I’ve met quite a few new friends.”

  She scribbled on her paper. “Any panic attacks since last week’s session?”

  “Nope, none.”

  “That’s good.” She scribbled some more. “Any nightmares?”